Do I tell my BF before or after?

[RedDevil66]

My BF and I decided to go to couples therapy and we have an appointment next week.

The thing is, I was able to gain access to his accounts and discovered many things like his non stop talking to other women (flirting but not sexual). He is signed up to 4 on line dating sites, but never had any activity in them. No profile set up, no in or/out msg'es etc.

The thing I noticed is, all this activity was on days when him and I were in a huge fight.

We've been together 4 yrs and after the first yr, the frequent fighting started. I snooped through his cell once and saw that EVERY time we had a fight, he would leave my house and call his ex 10 mins after leaving. Then he would talk to her the whole time we were not talking. They never met, so he says. I believed him then, but not so sure now.

 

My ex of 11 yrs cheated on me for the last yr we were together and I wished I had the smarts then to snoop. Then I was with someone after him for 2 yrs and again, never snooped, until a yr into it, I saw something that made me suspicious. I snooped and YEP, he was full blown cheating.

With this BF, we've been together 4 yrs and I only started to snoop two yrs into it. Never found anything serious!

Though when I left him a yr ago for 6 weeks, in the first few days he was chatting with his female "friend" he's known for yrs and in 4 weeks, he was going to see her and spent a whole weekend having sex with her. He admitted he thought I left him for someone else (Which was SO far from the truth) so he needed to numb himself with sex.

 

He's a alcoholic in recovery and I get that his brain is not working properly, but I am so ticked off!

And I get that people do not come clean when they fear losing someone over it. People hide/lie for many reasons.

He's always been a very honest person. His ex wife of 20 yrs cheated on him and left him. It left him devastated, so I just assumed he would never do that to anyone else.

 

I didn't see any proof of physical cheating, but he's definitely confiding and talking to this one woman on line. And they do flirt. He swore to me he's never chatted on MSN in his life and I see he's been chatting for MONTHS!

 

Because of this new discovering, I am now questioning everything, like does he still sleep with the girl he works with whom he slept with before meeting me? Does he really go to AA meeting every night or is he somewhere else? My mind has been going to some really bad places here.

 

Ok, so we know he's not well and a liar, now this is what I need to know, I have this couples therapy appointment with him next week. He genuinely wants to make "us" better, but do I confront him with what I found out before or do it in our first session with a therapist?

No matter where I bring it up, he's going to go nuts/wild. He cannot be called out. I want to do this as gentle as possible because I know he's not a dirt bag, but a man in pain.

[Art_Critic]

Honestly IMO.. it sounds like you really need to stop living for him and start living for yourself.

 

I know you said you went to Alanon.. but I'm thinking you should start going on a regular basis so you can learn to put yourself first and the Alcoholic last.

 

Codependency...

 

As far as telling him that you have been snooping without cause..IMO keep that one to yourself.. that just shows you are out of control and haven't put yourself first.

 

It sounds like he is still dealing with his demons.. whatever they may be

 

Good on you for trying couples therapy.. Hope it all works out for you.

[RedDevil66]

Honestly IMO.. it sounds like you really need to stop living for him and start living for yourself.

 

I know you said you went to Alanon.. but I'm thinking you should start going on a regular basis so you can learn to put yourself first and the Alcoholic last.

 

Codependency...

 

As far as telling him that you have been snooping without cause..IMO keep that one to yourself.. that just shows you are out of control and haven't put yourself first.

 

It sounds like he is still dealing with his demons.. whatever they may be

 

Good on you for trying couples therapy.. Hope it all works out for you.

 

thanks for the reply

I am very much a codependent and was in therapy for it 5 yrs ago.

As far as living for him, not the case here. My issues have been not "being there enough for him"

I live alone, do my own thing, have my own friends and only see him ever second weekend now.

I am focused too much on his mess, but do not live for him.

As for going to more al-anon meetings, it's not possible. I work full time and am also in med school.

The meetings in my area are all at 8:15pm, I go to bed at 9pm to get up for 4 am.

Long days, as it is, I will need to miss work weekly for this couples therapy. Which may turn out to be singles therapy, who knows.

 

I have to tell him I snooped or else I won't be able to heal. I'm not going to go into therapy with lies. I want all the truth on the table

Living in a world of lies, does not build for a healthy/strong existence.

 

He always has the choice to leave me to work on his own life. I never force him to stay

[Calendula]

I think you need to have a look at the following thread:

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t200891/

 

The below posts are from it and I think it may apply equally to your current situation. "Snooping" is never a good thing IMO, as more often than not you will find out things that you really don't need to know and misinterpret them anyway. You've already admitted that both of you have issues you are working on, why make what you have 'uncovered' by snooping another one of them?

 

You seem to have major trust issues, and while some of them may be founded, I think you may be taking what you've recently learned and blowing out of its proper proportions with your imagination. Perhaps he is doing what he is doing (chatting online, calling old girl friends) to try and work through some of his problems WITHOUT burdening you with them. When you two have had a fight and he needs to talk through it with someone, he can't exactly talk to you again until he has cooled down and sorted his own feelings out. I would bet that talking to his old GF and chatting online is his way of doing this. What do you think he would say if he read your posts on this forum and knew it was you?

 

Perhaps you should talk to your couples therapist BEFORE your meeting with her/him as a couple and ask them what they think you should do about it.

 

Originally Posted by on_the_rocks

6 months later we decide to rent a house together. At this time I think our relationship is going really good and I loved her. One day after we move in together I got on her computer to get on the internet and the way her computer is set when you open the web browser it just goes strait to her email. Curiosity got the best of me and I started looking at her deleted e mails. I couldn't believe my eyes she was talking to some guy in a way you don't talk to guys when your with someone. They said things like " where you at tonight" and one even said " don't text me I don't want my boyfriend to be here and me have to explain everything lets just email". I was so hurt i confronted her about them and she said they where just friends but i knew that was a lie so i kept asking her and she first said they just hung out before we got exclusive and never had sex. I kept asking because it just didn't sound right then she admitted to having sex with him while we where going out but not exclusive and not after we became exclusive. I was able to get passed it although I have my suspicions. And I told her she doesn't need to talk to guys like that when she is with someone.

 

Four months later I still have my suspicions. So I tell her I know there is more to the story than she is telling me. well long story short she finally told me she was sleeping with four other guys besides me before we became exclusive. Although she didn't technically cheat Im having a hard time dealing with this. Plus the fact that she has lied to me throughout our relationship.

 

Should I give her ANOTHER chance? I love her a lot but it has been hard on me. Now I don't know what else she has lied to me about. should i cut my looses?

 

Not to sound harsh, but it sounds like you brought this onto yourself. What business did you have looking at her deleted e-mail messages? Sure the internet browser came up to her e-mail, but you had to choose to check her deleted messages and not just her inbox. That is being nosy and prying into her personal business. So what if she exchanges these e-mail messages with these guys - is she actively sleeping with them, and can you prove it?

 

It sounds like you have forced her to tell you things that she would rather have left in the past, and put her in the position where she felt she had to lie to you to try and protect your feelings. As the sexual ground rules didn't exist before you two became exclusive, she did nothing wrong, and what she did with her free time during that period was her own business, and not yours. So she happened to have four friends-with-benefits, what is the big deal? She quit having sex with them when you two became exclusive, and I'm guessing she didn't bring anything home (as far as an STD or anything) so how exactly has she hurt you (except perhaps your ego)? You are the one she ended up with and comes home to every night, so why should you feel like these guys are a threat to you and your relationship with this girl?

 

What it sounds like is that you've found out about it because you were being nosy, and you don't like what you uncovered.

 

I say give her the benefit of the doubt if you really love her and forget this whole thing. A year down the road it was all in the past anyway, so why let it ruin your future with this person you say you love?

[RedDevil66]

Cal, thanks for sharing that post with me. But my situation is not similiar to this.

What my BF did before we met would not freak me out. Well unless he was a weirdo about it. I've been with him 4 yrs.

 

If you asked me yrs ago if snooping was wrong, I would have agreed, but now 43 and many yrs wiser from my ex off 11 yrs and my ex of 2 yrs both cheating, I am all for snooping.

If I had not snooped, I could have still been with the guy I was with for those 2 yrs. He hid his SICK world VERY well!

 

Sharing your life with someone is serious biz and it's IMPERATIVE to know if they are scum or not. I mean, when someone applies for a job, their background is checked out.

 

I do not regret snooping. And keep in mind, even after what my two ex's did to me, I still trusted this BF for the first 2 yrs.

I used to be alone in his house and NOT once snooped.

 

I get that people have their little things like talking to an ex, but once I find out his penis is entering someone then entering me, there are no rules!

 

I never had one trust issue in my life until these men cheated. If you knew me, you would see that I was the MOST secure person alive. Then I had my blind faith destroyed.

 

We are meeting the therapist beginning of next week, so no time to meet her before, which they won't do because that's a conflict of interest.

[AlektraClementine]

I don't know what the "right" answer is.

 

As to your question, my opinion is that you tell him ahead of time. The only reason I think that is that if you reveal it during therapy, he could feel set up and that may "color" his feelings on therapy right out the gate.

[westrock]

As to your question, my opinion is that you tell him ahead of time. The only reason I think that is that if you reveal it during therapy, he could feel set up and that may "color" his feelings on therapy right out the gate.

 

I agree - telling ahead of time would be best, but you have to guage whether upon finding out ahead of time, he would then decide that you're the one with the problem and not him, or that it's over between the two of you, and going to therapy would be a waste for him. If you think he would bail out on the therapy, then wait and tell him during the therapy session. That way the therapist can be there to guide the two of you through the issue.

[RedDevil66]

I agree - telling ahead of time would be best, but you have to guage whether upon finding out ahead of time, he would then decide that you're the one with the problem and not him, or that it's over between the two of you, and going to therapy would be a waste for him. If you think he would bail out on the therapy, then wait and tell him during the therapy session. That way the therapist can be there to guide the two of you through the issue.

 

That is my worry as well. He may freak knowing I snooped.

I thought either to tell him in front of her but making it not look like I am ambushing him or tell him after the session.

 

I want to talk about my mistrust for him and he's going to keep saying "But I've done nothing to make u mistrust me" and then I would gently say I know about "so and so"

 

I want to be gentle and not mean or angry about it.

Just want to go into therapy being honest

[RedDevil66]

I don't know what the "right" answer is.

 

As to your question, my opinion is that you tell him ahead of time. The only reason I think that is that if you reveal it during therapy, he could feel set up and that may "color" his feelings on therapy right out the gate.

 

He would feel he was being set up too. I guess I need to get a feel when I get there

[westrock]

That is my worry as well. He may freak knowing I snooped.

I thought either to tell him in front of her but making it not look like I am ambushing him or tell him after the session.

 

I want to talk about my mistrust for him and he's going to keep saying "But I've done nothing to make u mistrust me" and then I would gently say I know about "so and so"

 

I want to be gentle and not mean or angry about it.

Just want to go into therapy being honest

 

When the therapy session starts, tell the therapist upfront that you're afraid that what you want to say will make your guy feel ambushed and you're afraid he will get all defensive. Then ask the therapist for guidance on how to proceed. The therapist will guide you.

 

Remember, the therapist is there to help provide a safe environment for both of you to express your thoughts and feelings and guide the two you through the process. The two of you are there to get help, not hide things from the therapist. You want to go in there with an attitude that you will be open and honest. That means what you're going to say and hear may not be comfortable and may result in some tensions. If as a result he gets all defensive then look to the therapist to guide the two of you to keep things moving in the right direction.

[RedDevil66]

When the therapy session starts, tell the therapist upfront that you're afraid that what you want to say will make your guy feel ambushed and you're afraid he will get all defensive. Then ask the therapist for guidance on how to proceed. The therapist will guide you.

 

Remember, the therapist is there to help provide a safe environment for both of you to express your thoughts and feelings and guide the two you through the process. The two of you are there to get help, not hide things from the therapist. You want to go in there with an attitude that you will be open and honest. That means what you're going to say and hear may not be comfortable and may result in some tensions. If as a result he gets all defensive then look to the therapist to guide the two of you to keep things moving in the right direction.

 

Great advice, I'm going to do just that. Thanks

 

have to admit, I am pretty nervous

[RedDevil66]

So today is therapy day. Could either go well or turn out to be the end.

I still cannot get past what I've read in his emails and FB.

 

Found something new last night, where him and his buddy, who he seems to have to come across like he's a stud, were talking about AA meetings and my BF says "yeah there is some hot girl in my group with huge t&ts. I'm not going to be agressive with her though"

This was back a yr ago when he first went to AA. AGAIN, it was a time him and I were on the outs from a fight.

 

The ONLY activity he has with talking about or to other women was when we were not talking from a fight.

 

His good old line is "You always have one foot out the door and always said you never were in love with me"

I'm starting to think, I pushed him in these seedy directions.

 

I have NO CLUE how I am going to bring all I know up in therapy. I am very nervous!

[RedDevil66]

in therapy but it was only in the last 5 mins. The therapist had a lot of questions and I didn't realize the time

I told the therapist and him that I read his email and found him flirting with girls and thought he could be cheating.

Told her why I suspected and why I snooped.

She told him that introducing threats like flirting to a unstable relationship is like a terrorist attack.

She asked if we were coming back, I told her I was regardless, he said he wanted to come back also and work on this.

Then we had to leave.

 

 

Of course him and I talked about it once we left. He wanted me to go back to his house so he can go into his email and explain it all to me.

He said he never ever cheated or flirted

We went back to his place, logged on to his PC, the flirting was right in front of our eyes and he denied it.

Then he turned it around on me. Said I was "scary" and crazy for snooping, then called me names and basically went nuts. Said now that I "checked up on him" He can never trust ME and he was not returning to therapy.

 

Dry drunks, got to love them.

 

So that's it, he told me never to contact him again and I won't.

I somehow knew he was not strong enough to face his reality.

Oh well, 4 yrs, lesson learned. Time to heal. This is going to be rough

[Art_Critic]

Said now that I "checked up on him" He can never trust ME and he was not returning to therapy.

 

Dry drunks, got to love them.

 

I'm sorry that things didn't go the way you wanted.. I was hoping they would ..

 

Honestly RD.. you did check up on him, you did snoop, all without a reason other than your past history of dating and cheating.

Unless there was something else that lead to you checking up on him and reading his email behind his back that I haven't seen thru these posts or I missed then I think you were partly wrong in this whole deal.

 

That doesn't remove his liability for flirting with other women and it certainly doesn't remove his liability for his knee jerk reactions to this which you tag to being a dry drunk all the while you have mentioned that he is in recovery and is in the AA program.

 

Does he still go to AA ?,

 

This is the reason I said you should not have told him, because I feel that your snooping was over the line, just as he did and I felt it would explode.

 

It kinda sounds like you both could use this break, give it some time.

10-1 he will not stick behind his own words of not wanting contact from you, I'm sure he will contact you again so you might want to figure out how you will deal with that.

[RedDevil66]

I'm sorry that things didn't go the way you wanted.. I was hoping they would ..

 

Honestly RD.. you did check up on him, you did snoop, all without a reason other than your past history of dating and cheating.

Unless there was something else that lead to you checking up on him and reading his email behind his back that I haven't seen thru these posts or I missed then I think you were partly wrong in this whole deal.

 

That doesn't remove his liability for flirting with other women and it certainly doesn't remove his liability for his knee jerk reactions to this which you tag to being a dry drunk all the while you have mentioned that he is in recovery and is in the AA program.

 

Does he still go to AA ?,

 

This is the reason I said you should not have told him, because I feel that your snooping was over the line, just as he did and I felt it would explode.

 

It kinda sounds like you both could use this break, give it some time.

10-1 he will not stick behind his own words of not wanting contact from you, I'm sure he will contact you again so you might want to figure out how you will deal with that.

 

Hi, thanks for the reply.

Yes, he's still attending AA.

It was probably not right for me to snoop, but yes. he did give me reason.

In the past when we would have a fight, the first thing he would do is call an ex. When I broke up with him for 7 weeks last year, he went out and slept with a girl he told me was only a "friend". He told me she contacted him and it was 4 weeks after I left him that he slept with her. I knew it was a lie but never had the proof

Well in my snooping two weeks ago, I see he contacted her an hour after I kicked him out of my house. I also saw they were sending emails back and forth for some time before me leaving.

Not flirting emails, but her bugging his a&& weekly to go visit her, so in his pain, he made sure to go visit her.

 

AC, there were MANY red flags I just chose to ignore. I knew in my gut he was a liar so yes, I had to snoop.

 

I need to add that also, my ex of 11 yrs cheated on me for an entire year with a woman who had hiv. He knew she had it and slept with both of us for a year. Thank God, I was not infected.

Then two year later, I met and started to date this great guy and one year into it, I found out he was cheating on me

What is it with men and cheating?! jeez!

 

My BF now who went to sleep with this girl when we broke up, well she gave him herpes. So needless to say, it was in my best interest to snoop to know if he was sleeping around because I have my health to worry about.

And I can tell you this, if anyone would have asked me a year ago if my BF was a cheater, I would have put my life on a bet and said NO.

He's a good man with a bad sickness.

 

The therapist called me yesterday to give me a new appointment, but I told her I needed to call her back. I emailed my BF and asked if he wanted to give it one last shot. He said "no, that he can never trust me again (which is hilarious) and needs time away from me" He was trying to take the control back that he lost. I agreed, no fighting.

 

His denail runs SO DEEP that he does not trust me because I snooped!

He used to snoop through my pc all the time. And on snooping on him, I saw he was signed up under false names to two of the health boards I am on that I never knew he knew about.

And also, he used his key once to come into my house and read my journal. He admitted this when I knew he came in.

 

He has accused me for the entire 4 yrs of cheating on him, which I never EVER did and accused me of always talking to other men. I have many male friends and never once talked in ANY inappropriate way with them.

He's is not well. I get that. The problem is, he doesn't get that!

 

I mean, he comes from a well to-do background, has a great job, is well respected by his peers and acts like he has it all together.

If you saw him, you would never think he's a mess.

And there is nothing he won't do not to look like a mess. He will save face an ANY cost!

 

And I can tell you this, he won't contact me, because his ego won't allow him to. Him and his Dad had a silly fight once and he didn't talk to his Dad for over 2 years and they live in the same building.

 

I've been to Al Anon, read the books, talked to too many women who loved these addicts and everywhere I turn, I am told to run. That there is no chance with an addict. Even when they are not drinking, they still run on their illness.

I was hoping he was not like the others. I was actually proud of him for going to AA and stop a pattern of 25 yrs of heavy drinking.

I was starting to believe he could change.

He was very open in therapy and said a few things that were a pleasant surprise.

 

I can't ever go back.............how can I?

 

I am not dealing with this very well

[RedDevil66]

Oh and just want to add, when snooping, I found emails to his friend he's known for many years who is also in recovery and he was telling this guy that there was some babe with huge t*ts in his group but he was going to take it slow with her and not be too assertive. He was in AA less than two weeks when he said this to his friend

 

Then another msg from his friend asking how the hot babe was, my BF (or should I say EX) answers "She is not there anymore, but there are more hot t*ts to be found"

 

I asked him about this and he said it was just "banter" between him and his buddy.

 

Who talks like this? And when he started to go to AA, he basically never saw me. We went from seeing one another 3 times a week to once every two weeks and I ever asked him if he met someone at AA.

 

Of course, he denied it.

 

I did NOT find any concrete evidence he was cheating, but what I did find lead me to believe he's not too f^cking cool!

[bhweller]

I am not sure I understand this thread. Is she really going to a counselor with a guy that is just her boyfriend ? I have nothing against conseling, but if you have been with a BOYFRIEND for a while and are having trouble then you should just learn your lessons and break up. If it was a HUSBAND then thats a different story because the consequences are more severe.

[Chrome Barracuda]

BIRDS OF A FEATHER FLOCK TOGETHER!

 

I knew it from the moment he was helping his cousin cheat that maybe his actions wouldnt be so far off the mark, was I wrong red????

 

Drop the loser and get with someone cooler.

 

He's not the right guy for you. He'll betray you like his cousin is doing to his wife. and I would drop dime on everyone. He'll paint you out to be crazy but your not and everyone needs to truth.

[RedDevil66]

I am not sure I understand this thread. Is she really going to a counselor with a guy that is just her boyfriend ? I have nothing against conseling, but if you have been with a BOYFRIEND for a while and are having trouble then you should just learn your lessons and break up. If it was a HUSBAND then thats a different story because the consequences are more severe.

 

What a silly reply. I've been with him 4 yrs and a pc of paper saying we are married does NOT make it more severe.

Goodness!

[RedDevil66]

BIRDS OF A FEATHER FLOCK TOGETHER!

 

I knew it from the moment he was helping his cousin cheat that maybe his actions wouldnt be so far off the mark, was I wrong red????

 

Drop the loser and get with someone cooler.

 

He's not the right guy for you. He'll betray you like his cousin is doing to his wife. and I would drop dime on everyone. He'll paint you out to be crazy but your not and everyone needs to truth.

 

I have no proof he's cheated.

 

Yes, he will paint me to be crazy. You are right. He did it with his ex. He told me both is ex's are crazy and he's also called me crazy to my face

[Chrome Barracuda]

I have no proof he's cheated.

 

Yes, he will paint me to be crazy. You are right. He did it with his ex. He told me both is ex's are crazy and he's also called me crazy to my face

 

he will because that's his pattern in life! and you wonder why im so hard with some posters here? I kinda see through alot of crap.

[RedDevil66]

he will because that's his pattern in life! and you wonder why im so hard with some posters here? I kinda see through alot of crap.

 

We all have patterns, but I'm still working on a level on compassion. I am angry and terribly hurt, but having compassion keeps me in a highe level of decency.

Lashing out, being angry and hating gains nothing.

[RedDevil66]

Oh, I need to add, I did meet his ex wife and his ex girlfriend, and both are addicts and totally crazy. I'm his first non addict "normal" relationship.

 

When you grow up an addict, you make bad choices. I'm the best choice he made and him my worst

[EcstasyX6]

Hi, thanks for the reply.

Yes, he's still attending AA.

It was probably not right for me to snoop, but yes. he did give me reason.

In the past when we would have a fight, the first thing he would do is call an ex. When I broke up with him for 7 weeks last year, he went out and slept with a girl he told me was only a "friend". He told me she contacted him and it was 4 weeks after I left him that he slept with her. I knew it was a lie but never had the proof

Well in my snooping two weeks ago, I see he contacted her an hour after I kicked him out of my house. I also saw they were sending emails back and forth for some time before me leaving.

Not flirting emails, but her bugging his a&& weekly to go visit her, so in his pain, he made sure to go visit her.

 

AC, there were MANY red flags I just chose to ignore. I knew in my gut he was a liar so yes, I had to snoop.

 

I need to add that also, my ex of 11 yrs cheated on me for an entire year with a woman who had hiv. He knew she had it and slept with both of us for a year. Thank God, I was not infected.

Then two year later, I met and started to date this great guy and one year into it, I found out he was cheating on me

What is it with men and cheating?! jeez!

 

My BF now who went to sleep with this girl when we broke up, well she gave him herpes. So needless to say, it was in my best interest to snoop to know if he was sleeping around because I have my health to worry about.

And I can tell you this, if anyone would have asked me a year ago if my BF was a cheater, I would have put my life on a bet and said NO.

He's a good man with a bad sickness.

 

The therapist called me yesterday to give me a new appointment, but I told her I needed to call her back. I emailed my BF and asked if he wanted to give it one last shot. He said "no, that he can never trust me again (which is hilarious) and needs time away from me" He was trying to take the control back that he lost. I agreed, no fighting.

 

His denail runs SO DEEP that he does not trust me because I snooped!

He used to snoop through my pc all the time. And on snooping on him, I saw he was signed up under false names to two of the health boards I am on that I never knew he knew about.

And also, he used his key once to come into my house and read my journal. He admitted this when I knew he came in.

 

 

I mean, he comes from a well to-do background, has a great job, is well respected by his peers and acts like he has it all together.

If you saw him, you would never think he's a mess.

And there is nothing he won't do not to look like a mess. He will save face an ANY cost!

 

 

I find this interesting that you'd spent so much time checking on him. Your last statement above is very telling. "He will save face at ANY cost! It sounds like this is a character trait of his that has been apparent to you. I think that something in his behaviour made you suspect him to begin with.

 

Red...my x is an MD, so I've been through the trenches with him, and I don't know how in the hell you work full time, go to medical school, go to bed by 9 and wake up by 4(and not to mention research your bf's e-mail). You are either super energetic, nuts, or just or a super genius.

 

Maybe deep down you know that you're not giving him the attention that he needs, and there's something going on that you're not addressing. i.e. not giving him enough attention. He definitely sounds needy.

 

Also, now that he's gone, I would hope that you pick your next partner much more carefully from the start. I'm not perfect, but since I'm not an alcoholic, I personally wouldn't date one. I'd be asking for potential trouble from the start. Please...no offense to ex AA members. I had a wonderful Uncle who was one, yet I know the hell his wife went through.

 

My current bf and I talk or text several times a day. I can reach him at any time, I know his schedule, and he knows mine. Any free time he has is devoted to his children, brothers or me. If he is cheating, I don't know when he'd find time to do it, but he communicates about every thing he's doing because he wants to, and I enjoy hearing about it. I love that and so does he. This has really bonded us, and I hope that as our relationship progresses, I hope this level of contact continues. He could cheat, I know that, but we are so involved that if his patterns with me changes, at that point, I'll address it. I refuse to check his wallet, e-mail, and all that subversive sh.. that I wouldn't want anyone to do to me.

 

Maybe there was a lack of communication between you two since he was seeking it out from other women online and elsewhere. You sound like an extremely busy woman; perhaps he felt lonely.

[RedDevil66]

I find this interesting that you'd spent so much time checking on him. Your last statement above is very telling. "He will save face at ANY cost! It sounds like this is a character trait of his that has been apparent to you. I think that something in his behaviour made you suspect him to begin with.

 

Red...my x is an MD, so I've been through the trenches with him, and I don't know how in the hell you work full time, go to medical school, go to bed by 9 and wake up by 4(and not to mention research your bf's e-mail). You are either super energetic, nuts, or just or a super genius.

 

Maybe deep down you know that you're not giving him the attention that he needs, and there's something going on that you're not addressing. i.e. not giving him enough attention. He definitely sounds needy.

 

Also, now that he's gone, I would hope that you pick your next partner much more carefully from the start. I'm not perfect, but since I'm not an alcoholic, I personally wouldn't date one. I'd be asking for potential trouble from the start. Please...no offense to ex AA members. I had a wonderful Uncle who was one, yet I know the hell his wife went through.

 

My current bf and I talk or text several times a day. I can reach him at any time, I know his schedule, and he knows mine. Any free time he has is devoted to his children, brothers or me. If he is cheating, I don't know when he'd find time to do it, but he communicates about every thing he's doing because he wants to, and I enjoy hearing about it. I love that and so does he. This has really bonded us, and I hope that as our relationship progresses, I hope this level of contact continues. He could cheat, I know that, but we are so involved that if his patterns with me changes, at that point, I'll address it. I refuse to check his wallet, e-mail, and all that subversive sh.. that I wouldn't want anyone to do to me.

 

Maybe there was a lack of communication between you two since he was seeking it out from other women online and elsewhere. You sound like an extremely busy woman; perhaps he felt lonely.

 

 

I would not say I spent "so much time", I installed spy ware on my pc two weeks ago and found stuff and confronted him a week later. I've been with him 4 yrs and the only other thing I did was check his cell phone 3 times. I never went to his home and checked on his pc, never went through any papers. I was left alone at his home many times.

He is very sneaky and actually it wasn't apparent to me at first since he was SO opened about him and his past and life when we met.

But in the beginning, I never knew he was a serious alcoholic. Then I started to learn that addicts are all very sneaky liars. Even in Al Anon they told me not to believe a word he says.

He's been sober for a year and in AA for a year.

I, of course, want to believe he's not this douche bag lair, but I do not he "omits" the truth as a survival mechanism to keep his addictions alive and well.

 

I don't know how the heck I do it either. I am only taking courses part time though. I have little energy since I also have a serious chronic illness. I was home on sick leave for a year so this gave me time to jump start my courses. Again, I spent less than 3 days snooping on my boyfriend.

 

Actually, he's the one who has little time for me. He works, had his kids. He goes to the gym, and AA every night and coaches his son's hockey 3 nights a week. I've complained MANY times how little time he makes for me. I went from seeing him 3-4 times a week, to seeing him only 4 days a month now.

He told me he feels I smother him.................go figure! This is why I started to develop other interests like my courses.

In the emails he had to this other girl he was talking to (who is married by the way with her own kids and lives 1000 miles away), he was telling her he knows he makes little time for me.,

It killed me to see him open up to a stranger when he never even opens up to me.

 

I've had this talk on this msg board in the past about not dating an addict. It was a pretty heated thread. I agree, there is nothing EVER good that comes good from dating an addict or an addict in recovery unless they are SO deep into recovery and have changed totally.

I did not go into this knowing he was a drunk. He rarely drank around me. He was a closet drunk. His own family, who lives in his apartment building, don't know he's an addict nor do they even know he's in AA. Denial is the "soup of the day" for an addict.

They cannot be found out................ever!

 

My bf is devoted to his kids, I can reach him any time, anywhere. We would talk 3-4 times a day. I was always welcomed to his home. He never not answered his cell and if he could not, would call me back right away.

I don't think he was cheating, but I think he felt unloved by me and was possibly looking for someone else.

By the way, a reality check, when someone cheats, their patterns do not change. It's rare when the other person can figure it out. My ex of 11 yrs and I were so tight. We were best friends. We knew what each was doing at all times. We lived together and everything was just great.

He came home one day and said he was leaving. Came to found out he was cheating for an entire year. I had NO CLUE!

Trust me, when someone is cheating, they become MASTERS at hiding!

 

For sure, my BF and I had horrible communication between us. We have both been burned in our pasts and both suffer deep hurts. I think he was looking for women to talk to to fill whatever void he had

In any case, I can't worry what he's doing now. He will contact me once his anger subsides, but I need to focus on my healing.

He's worked very hard at recovery but yes, if I were strong enough, he would not be my partner of choice