trixie21 Posted September 11, 2009 Posted September 11, 2009 Hi everyone, here is my back story, it is important because although I understand that everyone thinks that their relationship is different, my story is unusual circumstances http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t199733/ Now a couple of days ago, I had maybe a day where I thought you know what bugger to this, but now I am back to wanting to work on it. Now this morning he came to pick our son up and I had a chat with him, I asked him if he had been taking his medication properly now, which he has and asked him if he still felt the same and he said that at the moment he does, I asked him if he still didn't love me and he said that he does love me. So without any begging or crying I calmly explained that I would like to try and work on our relationship and would be happy to take things slowly and him stay at his mums untill he felt ready. He has told me that he is not looking for anyone else and I believe him. Because he has left his depresion go on for so long with out taking any proper action he wasn't taking his medication as he should) I think he isn't in the right place to be looking after others right now and he needs to sort out his own mind first which is why I suggested taking it slowly. What are your thoughts on this? Am I just waisting my time or should I stick it out, at the moment I am not moping around and am trying to get on with my life, I know I don't NEED him but at the same time I would very much like to work it out.
FairyTale73 Posted September 11, 2009 Posted September 11, 2009 If you yourself say " you do not NEED him " then why you want to hold him ? just to work something out ? but let him go , maybe he finds his own happiness in some other place where he is NEEDED ?? Did not think ever of this ?
Author trixie21 Posted September 11, 2009 Author Posted September 11, 2009 When I say I don't need him, nobody NEEDS someone, if you do I mean just that nobody NEEDS someone, BUT I do love him more than anything in the world (apart from our son), the night before he left I have recently found out that he told his mother that he would not be alive in 2 years time and it was bet to let me go now, there was no real reason for the break up. I know from what I have seen and heard that he is still not himself, and I did ask him last week if he was happy and he said NO, so no he isn't finding happiness anywhere else, his head is too much messed up for that at the moment.
simonsez Posted September 11, 2009 Posted September 11, 2009 A couple of things.... There is another woman in the picture.... Also.. By you saying how much you love a person and yet the person is a depressed person, you are revealing your own low self esteem. It is showing that you feel so bad about yourself that you aren't even relieved to be without someone who is a downer and isn't a happy person... By wanting a depressed person. By wanting someone like he is that needs medication to help him to be stable and happy, you are actually hurting your chances of reconcilation and a happy future or relationship. Subconsciously a person in depression with low self esteem thinks this about YOU. "Since I don't even like myself and since I am not happy then there must be something wrong with HER if she loves ME. I don't even like myself." This is your issue and problem.. The best solution is to REJECT him happily. Instead of him bringing you down, you need to make him WANT to step up. You do that by showing him that you DO NOT want to be with a depressed or unhappy person. This motivates him to change if he loves you..... Also.. Start going out and socially meeting other people. Go on some dates with other men. Let him SEE that you are moving on... The path you are taking is the wrong path. Not good.
Author trixie21 Posted September 11, 2009 Author Posted September 11, 2009 1 - I know for a fact that there is no other woman in the picture. 2 - I do NOT have low self esteem 3 - There is nothing wrong with me 4 - What is wrong with me wanting to stand by someone with this illness? would you discard a partner if they developed cancer? maybe broke their leg? 5 - Please read up on depression and pray to god that it never effects you.
simonsez Posted September 12, 2009 Posted September 12, 2009 1 - I know for a fact that there is no other woman in the picture. 2 - I do NOT have low self esteem 3 - There is nothing wrong with me 4 - What is wrong with me wanting to stand by someone with this illness? would you discard a partner if they developed cancer? maybe broke their leg? 5 - Please read up on depression and pray to god that it never effects you. 1.) I disagree. You are in denial. There is another woman. 2) I disagree. The facts point out that a depressed (depressed for a long time) person left you and you say you want him back. People with high self esteem don't think that way. That is enabling of his behavior and doesn't work to get him to want to be with you. 3) Why do you want to be with a person who doesn't want to be with you and why do you want to go back with a depressed unhappy person? For you to not see this and ask yourself this says much. 4) You didn't leave him. He left you. If a woman left me for any reason I wouldn't pursue her to get her back. Why? It DOESN'T work. 5)By wanting a depressed person you are HURTING your chances of him WANTING to come back. As I told you, subconsciously he is rejecting you because of his depression and low self esteem. His subconscious is saying.."if I don't like myself and am depressed then there must be something wrong with her (meaning you)...... for loving me and wanting me back. I don't even like myself and yet SHE does? You don't get it.... HE doesn't like himself. He thinks there is something wrong with you and can't feel the right emotions because you are showing him that you like him when he doesn't even like himself. THAT is what depression will do and his low self esteem. Your answer is to REJECT him and start dating other people... I DO know what I am talking about here. Your way of handling this doesn't look like it is working. Hanging in there very seldom does.
seoa Posted September 12, 2009 Posted September 12, 2009 True depression (not just 'being blue') is awful, and does colour everything... and people who haven't experienced it just don't get it and find it impossible to sympathise... If you had *started* this relationship while he was in his depression, then I might agree with these posters that it shows low self-esteem (and bad judgement). To walk away from a 13-year relationship because of more recent depression is something else entirely! I think you are doing all you can: protect yourself and your son from the worst of the ups and downs, and create a situation where he has a reason to *choose* to change (and he has to make that choice - consistantly taking the medication and getting some kind of therapy - maybe CBT as mentioned in your other thread - you can't do it for him). Stay strong, keep hoping, don't let him treat you badly, and offer him what support you can without making yourself a doormat. If he's talking about being dead in 2 years, and has some kind of misguided idea that separating now will make things easier... Ugh - no wonder the guy is confused. NB - I wonder if you'd get better advice in the 'separation & divorce' area - because advice on a 13 year relationship is somewhat different from what you'd need if it had been only a couple of years...?
georgia girl Posted September 12, 2009 Posted September 12, 2009 Trixie, I feel so badly for you. You are hurting in a way that a lot of us may not be able to understand. First, you were in a 13-year relationship - most of us have not been with our ex's that long. Also, you are dealing with mental illness in your relationship, which is a significant barrier to overcome. One thing I would like to point out is that the commercials are true: everyone suffers in depression. His illness has damaged your relationship and has probably also affected your teenager. (It's not his fault, but this is a reality.) Therefore, please take care of yourself, too. I'm not sure if there's a support group in your area or a counselor you could talk to, but try to find resources that will assist your family. Other than that, I think you are doing many of the right things. With this illness - even if it is only situational depression - he may need space free from any obligations. Your job, if that is what he needs, is to be happy without him for the time being.That may be incredibly difficult, but you can do it. Good luck!
Author trixie21 Posted September 12, 2009 Author Posted September 12, 2009 thankyou to both of you for atleast trying to understand, at the moment he knows how I feel about him and like I said I am willing to start off slow untill he feels ready to come back. I am trying to get on with my life but much rather spend it with him, I know that he needs time to feel more himself, we had 12 wonderful year untill the depression started, rarely ever argued and was very happy. Like I said he has now started to take his medication properly for the past 2 weeks so he has realised that that he needs to help himself and he is currently waiting to see a councilor, he has been on the waiting list for a while now so should be getting an apointment very soon. We may not be married and I may not be a religious person but I do belive in " In sickness and in health" He knows where I stand and I him, I am not pushing the matter, just taking it day by day. I have to say again that no matter what simonsez says I know 100% not he is NOT with anyone else or is he interested, that is not me being in denial that is FACT.
Butterflying Posted September 12, 2009 Posted September 12, 2009 I think you should definately move on. You can love a person with an illness or depression without HAVING them as a mate. The best thing you can do is let this man go. That will help him improve for himself (if he wants to). And there is absolutely no way this man could ever love you if he doesn't love himself. Love starts from within. You sound like a loving person so it is easy to see why you feel this way for him. Obviously he SHOULD love you. But it's clear to see the reason that he does not. It has nothing to do with you. If you continue the direction with him as you have been, eventually, you will be depressed like he is.
simonsez Posted September 13, 2009 Posted September 13, 2009 I have to say again that no matter what [b]simonsez[/b] says I know 100% not he is NOT with anyone else or is he interested, that is not me being in denial that is FACT If I had a dime for every person that first said that when their love left them, I would be rich. His family think that I am daft for waiting and tell me that he isn't worth it after how he has treated me the last few days and that he has told me he doesn't want to be with me so I should just take that for what it is, EVEN his family is telling you that he isn't treating you right. So if his own FAMILY is seeing how badly he is treating you and telling you they see it and what you should do, then it most certainly shows how you feel about yourself. It shows that you don't think enough of yourself to see what you are doing. If you want to use his depression as an excuse for him to treat you badly, then that is fine by me. I thought you wanted some help to get him back. I must have read wrong. Looks like you are telling the ones who are advising that you let him go that they don't know what they are talking about. i think you are just wanting help from those who will tell you what you WANT to hear and not what is the truth.
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