linn2342 Posted September 11, 2009 Posted September 11, 2009 So I came about to find this forum by searching for other people who have asked the same question as I am asking now. But did not find exactly what I was looking for so I decided to register and ask if someone could give me some sound mature advice. I am 25 years old. I have been with my boyfriend for 2 1/2 years total with a 3 year gap in between. We orginaly broke up because he told me that he didn't feel the same way about me that I felt for him. He actually said the words. "I care about you alot but I am not in love with you". We broke up and did not talk for 3 years. Now this is the important part. During those 3 years I thought about him daily. I had another relationship but I still wanted to be with my ex. Also during this 3 years, HE did not date anyone. To this day I am still the only woman he has ever been with. We got back together 5 months ago and today he tells me that he doesn't believe that he will ever love me like I love him. And that he wants to end the relationship. He promises at my questions that there is no other woman and that he will miss me and that he fears the loneliness that will follow this break up. I find this very hard to believe because he admits that the last 5 months has been perfect and that we are good together. Also there is not a day that goes by with out me FEELING his love. Just not hearing the words. I know that I have pushed him to finding out if he does love me or not and I fear that that might be the one thing stopping him from figuring it all out. Like the title says I am very close to begging to get him back. I don't know what I should do and I don't have any close family or friends that I believe would give me solid mature advice. So if you would be so kind as to help me it would hopfully calm a shattered heart. Thank you.
Trojan John Posted September 11, 2009 Posted September 11, 2009 I think that you should listen to him. He's being as honest with you as he possibly can. It's better that you hear it now (again) instead of several more years down the road when you've invested too much. You can't change him, so save your dignity and don't go begging.
Hkizzle Posted September 11, 2009 Posted September 11, 2009 What you want and the reality are two different things. You can't make someone love you. He's saying loud and clear he's not in love with you, heed that. The important thing with men is congurrence between what they say and what they do. So jerks usually say all the right things (you're so special) and do all the wrong things (treat a girl like crap). Whilst this guy isn't necessarily a jerk, there's no congurrence either. He's doing all the right things (you're having a good time) but saying the wrong thing (I don't love you). If you push this and try and keep the relationship together then it will just mean more time wasted because he doesn't love you. I'm sorry if that doesn't calm your heart, but white lies and false hope isn't going to help you.
t0ri Posted September 11, 2009 Posted September 11, 2009 I'm sorry you're going through this ((hugs)) I would have to say to believe what he says, that he doesn't believe he'll ever love you like you love him. He probably cares about you deeply, and although there are no visible issues in your relationship with him, something is missing for him. It was missing the first time you two dated, and this time around as well. I don't think he's in love with you, but enjoys your company or the comfort of you... hence the reason he stated he fears the loneliness without you. Don't beg him to get back with you, though. That's the first mistake to avoid. This will do nothing but push him further away! Unfortunately, you cannot make someone love or want to be with you. Don't let him use you as a safety blanket, to ease his loneliness. Sometimes relationships can seem perfect and easy, but they're just not right, and missing a spark or whatever it takes to make it complete for both people.
RYKR Posted September 11, 2009 Posted September 11, 2009 Don't beg, your stronger and smarter than that. That will only boost his ego and toy you around. He broke up with you twice and your thinking of going down on your knees and beg? Come on your better than that, you don't deserve a man like that. He obviously doesn't love you and sounds like he has commitment issues. Don't be a fool and listen to his BS, he wants you to feel sorry for him. If you keep falling for it, he'll just jump in and out your life because it will be convenient for him. Just forget about him, go cold turkey NC with him. If he contacts you and he says he changed his mind and loves you ,tell him to buck off because he is just playing with you. If you respect yourself, you don't need him. Don't listen to his pity cries no matter what!
DustySaltus Posted September 11, 2009 Posted September 11, 2009 I'm sorry that you have to go through this. I've been in your ex's shoes before. I dated someone in high school for about 2 years and then we didn't speak for close to 10 years and we got back together. I know she was very much in love with me, but for me something was missing. She would go above and beyond for me, take care of me and look out for me more than I could've ever imagined. I stayed with her for about a year trying to really give things an opportunity to work out. A year later that "thing" was still missing. There was no one else involved. I had no choice but to end things because I needed to let her have someone that TRULY loves her. I loved her as a person, but I wasn't in love with her anymore. And to be honest looking back on it, she probably went through hell at first but I think she would probably thank me now. I know it sucks and it feels terrible but he really did the best thing he could do for you, being honest. The day is always darkest before dawn. Stay busy and take things one day at a time. You didn't do anything wrong, there's no reason to beg. Take time for yourself and try and distance yourself from this by implementing no contact right now. Good luck.
Island Girl Posted September 11, 2009 Posted September 11, 2009 What you want and the reality are two different things. You can't make someone love you. He's saying loud and clear he's not in love with you, heed that. Never, ever, beg someone to be with you. If they are confused and stupid and can't see how fantastic you are and they feel LUCKY to be with you - then you let them WALK. In fact, INSIST that they do so immediately and move on to find someone that cares about you just as much as you care about them. The important thing with men is congurrence between what they say and what they do. This is true for women as well -- this quote should be plastered on so many pages here. So very very true. Always match up words with actions - and pay WAAAY more attention to actions. Actions speak louder than words.
Author linn2342 Posted September 11, 2009 Author Posted September 11, 2009 Thank you so much to all of you. You all gave great advice and you are all saying the same thing. I guess it is hard with your first true love. Your right begging him to stay with me would only prolong the heartbreak. I just really hope he does find love some day. I really wanted that person to be me but after reading a couple responses I think 2 tries is enough on his part. He did give it a real shot and now I just have to accept reality. Thank you again. All of you.
MSUE Posted September 11, 2009 Posted September 11, 2009 hey linn I'm on the same boat as everyone else around here...once is forgivable...twice...its more than enough...I believe he is being genuine and honest and for that I give him credit...now I'm begging you not to beg him to be with you...there's nothing worse than someone being with you for all the wrong reasons...its setting yourself up for round #3 and then more. also...? for you...how do you know for sure he hasn't been with anyone else in that 3 year gap besides you? I hardly believe this is the truth...I think he said that to score brownie points and as to make you see how much he "missed you" during that time... its incredibly hard to believe that in this dpt he was honest
jaybird1043 Posted September 13, 2009 Posted September 13, 2009 What you want the person to be and what the person actually is the hardest thing to accept. The right thing and the hardest thing are often the same!
9Lives Posted September 13, 2009 Posted September 13, 2009 What you want and the reality are two different things. You can't make someone love you. He's saying loud and clear he's not in love with you, heed that. The important thing with men is congurrence between what they say and what they do. So jerks usually say all the right things (you're so special) and do all the wrong things (treat a girl like crap). Whilst this guy isn't necessarily a jerk, there's no congurrence either. He's doing all the right things (you're having a good time) but saying the wrong thing (I don't love you). If you push this and try and keep the relationship together then it will just mean more time wasted because he doesn't love you. I'm sorry if that doesn't calm your heart, but white lies and false hope isn't going to help you. Linn, you GOT to listen to this guy here. It is true. He loves you but not in love with you and for some silly reason, that means something to a man. Your not alone. I went thru the same thing with my ex and FINALLY I decided to ACCEPT it and TAKE HIM AT HIS WORD!!! It is very hard. I am dealing with it right now. It has been a month and a half. he called once and text once but I didnt respond cause I need to heal. I love him and I didnt want to break up but I have to accept it cause I CANT CHANGE IT. You cant either . You need to start accepting it and get focused on you again. You will need support cause it is very difficult but you have to do it. He meant what he said
9Lives Posted September 13, 2009 Posted September 13, 2009 So I came about to find this forum by searching for other people who have asked the same question as I am asking now. But did not find exactly what I was looking for so I decided to register and ask if someone could give me some sound mature advice. I am 25 years old. I have been with my boyfriend for 2 1/2 years total with a 3 year gap in between. We orginaly broke up because he told me that he didn't feel the same way about me that I felt for him. He actually said the words. "I care about you alot but I am not in love with you". We broke up and did not talk for 3 years. Now this is the important part. During those 3 years I thought about him daily. I had another relationship but I still wanted to be with my ex. Also during this 3 years, HE did not date anyone. To this day I am still the only woman he has ever been with. We got back together 5 months ago and today he tells me that he doesn't believe that he will ever love me like I love him. And that he wants to end the relationship. He promises at my questions that there is no other woman and that he will miss me and that he fears the loneliness that will follow this break up. I find this very hard to believe because he admits that the last 5 months has been perfect and that we are good together. Also there is not a day that goes by with out me FEELING his love. Just not hearing the words. I know that I have pushed him to finding out if he does love me or not and I fear that that might be the one thing stopping him from figuring it all out. Like the title says I am very close to begging to get him back. I don't know what I should do and I don't have any close family or friends that I believe would give me solid mature advice. So if you would be so kind as to help me it would hopfully calm a shattered heart. Thank you. Another thing...you may not ever understand why this couldnt work. I was about to get stuck in time trying to figure that out but I decided not to do that. Just try hard to be strong. Be a Big girl and realize these things happen sometime. Dont beat yourself up about it. Just try to accept it. You will be fine with time. Pull out your plan of action to help wit the very bad days. They are coming FOR SURE. Be ready and tell him to back up.
wannie9 Posted September 13, 2009 Posted September 13, 2009 It's hard being in love with someone who doesn't love us back. I'm going trough the same. I just broke up with my ex two days ago because I realized he wasn't really that into me. I would move the earth for him, but it wasn't the same for him. Yes, he does care about me, but I know I don't come first for him, and I'm sure he doesn't include me in his plans for the future. So, as hard as it was, I moved out. And it hurts. A lot. My eyes are swollen from all the crying, and, really, it feels like my life is over. But I know you can't make someone love you, and it's really not worth being with someone who doesn't. It's better to be lonely alone than lonely in a relationship. He won't change, so you have to walk away. And yes, as other people here have mentioned, the sooner the better. If you walk away and he doesn't come after you, don't go begging him back. Move on, as hard as that can be.
9Lives Posted September 13, 2009 Posted September 13, 2009 It's hard being in love with someone who doesn't love us back. I'm going trough the same. I just broke up with my ex two days ago because I realized he wasn't really that into me. I would move the earth for him, but it wasn't the same for him. Yes, he does care about me, but I know I don't come first for him, and I'm sure he doesn't include me in his plans for the future. So, as hard as it was, I moved out. And it hurts. A lot. My eyes are swollen from all the crying, and, really, it feels like my life is over. But I know you can't make someone love you, and it's really not worth being with someone who doesn't. It's better to be lonely alone than lonely in a relationship. He won't change, so you have to walk away. And yes, as other people here have mentioned, the sooner the better. If you walk away and he doesn't come after you, don't go begging him back. Move on, as hard as that can be. (SUPER BIG HUGE). I am fresh out of the crying every five seconds moment. I am a month and 1/2 out of a relationship where he just didnt feel the same anymore and it was very painful. I held on and did all I could until I finally just let it go. Wannie, my goodness, you are going to need alot of love and support right now. I spend the first month numb. This month I am working on acceptance. The sooner you accept it, the better. My ex is gone. He tried to contact me(breadcrumbs) and I just couldnt do it. Now you have to focus on you and you alone. DO WHATEVER YOU WANT TO DO!!! WHATEVER WHATEVER, WHATEVER. Just make sure it is not illegal or self destructive. Be a kid again. Eat ice cream, or take a walk...do whatever you want to do. This might seem dumb but it helps you get back into yourself. I do whatever I want now. Im starting to have a great time too. Im not doing nothing crazy or anything. I am just enjoying ME for ME. It feels soo good. I love me the way I needed that love I wasnt getting. I love me for me. He wont make you happy Wannie. He wont try to. You are doing yourself a favor
Beeotch Posted September 13, 2009 Posted September 13, 2009 It's hard being in love with someone who doesn't love us back. I'm going trough the same. I just broke up with my ex two days ago because I realized he wasn't really that into me. I would move the earth for him, but it wasn't the same for him. Yes, he does care about me, but I know I don't come first for him, and I'm sure he doesn't include me in his plans for the future. So, as hard as it was, I moved out. And it hurts. A lot. My eyes are swollen from all the crying, and, really, it feels like my life is over. But I know you can't make someone love you, and it's really not worth being with someone who doesn't. It's better to be lonely alone than lonely in a relationship. He won't change, so you have to walk away. And yes, as other people here have mentioned, the sooner the better. If you walk away and he doesn't come after you, don't go begging him back. Move on, as hard as that can be. That is one of the truest things I have read...esp the bolded. You're very wise and strong and you have done the right thing for yourself The right person for you will have mutual feelings so it simply means he is not right for you...and that is fine. We go through different relationships to teach us different things then hopefully we find the right fit for us that lasts. Makes no sense in wearing a shoe that doesn't fit and all it does is hurt your foot, make you walk funny and give you corns and bunions. You might really like them but if you have outgrown them or they were not your size to begin with....get a different pair! You will be better off.
9Lives Posted September 13, 2009 Posted September 13, 2009 That is one of the truest things I have read...esp the bolded. You're very wise and strong and you have done the right thing for yourself The right person for you will have mutual feelings so it simply means he is not right for you...and that is fine. We go through different relationships to teach us different things then hopefully we find the right fit for us that lasts. Makes no sense in wearing a shoe that doesn't fit and all it does is hurt your foot, make you walk funny and give you corns and bunions. You might really like them but if you have outgrown them or they were not your size to begin with....get a different pair! You will be better off. I love the shoe thing. Wannie is really really smart. She should be proud of herself. i was terrible. I couldnt accept it cause I didnt do anything wrong. Well I found out, you can be a angel but if that person doesn see you that way, it dont matter.
wannie9 Posted September 16, 2009 Posted September 16, 2009 That is one of the truest things I have read...esp the bolded. You're very wise and strong and you have done the right thing for yourself The right person for you will have mutual feelings so it simply means he is not right for you...and that is fine. We go through different relationships to teach us different things then hopefully we find the right fit for us that lasts. Makes no sense in wearing a shoe that doesn't fit and all it does is hurt your foot, make you walk funny and give you corns and bunions. You might really like them but if you have outgrown them or they were not your size to begin with....get a different pair! You will be better off. Thanks a lot, Beeotch. You made my day. I love the shoe analogy. But, believe me, it's not easy. It really hurts, and I'm still crying -- stupid me. But then, I still believe I made the right decision because all I got was a message saying he understood my decision and that my age is a very difficult one and he wishes me the best, while at the same time saying he hopes he'll keep contact because he fears loosing someone like me in his life (???????). I didn't exactly get it, but I guess he meant he was ready to move on. I really feel like my world is coming to an end, but, well, what's a girl to do? I'll keep the shoe image in my head, though, that will give me more strength. "We go through different relationships to teach us different things then hopefully we find the right fit for us that lasts." This is great to hear too. It will remind me that my life is not over -- especially my love life, even if that's what it feels like now.
wannie9 Posted September 16, 2009 Posted September 16, 2009 Well I found out, you can be a angel but if that person doesn see you that way, it dont matter. Soooooo true......
wannie9 Posted September 16, 2009 Posted September 16, 2009 Now you have to focus on you and you alone. DO WHATEVER YOU WANT TO DO!!! WHATEVER WHATEVER, WHATEVER. Just make sure it is not illegal or self destructive. Be a kid again. Eat ice cream, or take a walk...do whatever you want to do. This might seem dumb but it helps you get back into yourself. I do whatever I want now. Im starting to have a great time too. Im not doing nothing crazy or anything. I am just enjoying ME for ME. It feels soo good. I love me the way I needed that love I wasnt getting. I love me for me. This is a wonderful approach. Focusing on ourselves instead of him. Allowing myself to be a kid again is a great idea. I'm in!
Goatsbreath Posted September 16, 2009 Posted September 16, 2009 FOR 3 years he dated nobody? Isn't this odd? Really? Maybe he has some underlying issues....seems strange to me
gavinus Posted September 16, 2009 Posted September 16, 2009 Do not waste any more time with this man. Good on him for being honest with you, thats great,...now you must do the hard thing....which is to respect yourself and give yourself the chance to be happy with someone else. I loved my ex for over 3 years, she did not love me and only stayed because I treated her ok, then she dumped me. Move on, if you love him, give him the chance to find somebody who he loves, that is what love is, good luck, stay strong
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