mimiminx Posted September 11, 2009 Posted September 11, 2009 I would do this and nothing more: Confront the person face to face. Tell them that I am sorry, but I cannot be in a relationship with them anymore because.... I do care for you (or maybe not) and I cherish the time we spent together, but I feel this is the best decision. I do love you as a person, and I wish you the very best. Then I would leave them alone. If they called, I would not answer. If they showed up where I was, I would be polite and say hello and maybe small talk but nothing more. I would not lead them on, try to be friends, or even mention being friends, even if that could be a possibility in the future. I would not harass them with phone calls, texts, emails, chats to try and gain their attention or subdue my loneliness. I would probably miss the person at times, but I would NEVER break up with someone that I was still in love with and thought there could be a way that things could work between us. If the ex continued contacting me for closure, after a month or so had passed, I would most likely take the time to sit down in person and talk to them and answer their questions as best as I could. I would not be vague, I would be clear. I would never break up with someone without thinking it through as far as it would go. And I cannot for the life of me understand WHY people react and break up out of desperation or impulse. Therefore, I would be completely confident and sure in my decision and would not HAVE any doubts. NONE. I have been in love twice. The first time was with a man that treated me horribly, so it was easy to fall out of love with him. In fact it happened like a light switch. It was on, the next minute it was off. I was over him in a matter of weeks. We were together over 4 years. This last one, I'm still madly in love with. We were together for just over 2 years and he left me a little over a month ago. Let the broken hearted go... don't leave them waiting around. Make it CLEAR that it's OVER and FOLLOW THROUGH WITH THAT. It should really be that simple.
Broseph Posted September 11, 2009 Posted September 11, 2009 Whats going on Mimiminx? Is he still trying to contact you lots and feels like he stringing you on? Amazing how far you have come on here since I first saw you. I agree with everything you say, it is all about having integrity, understanding and character. What I think is some people get doubts in there mind and they cant let it go, instead of thinking they act on impulses. I am not sure if you feel the same way but I am so suprised with my ex that it went from together to not together. 4 years and she didnt want to discuss our emotions together? Seems ridiculous to me!!!!
Author mimiminx Posted September 11, 2009 Author Posted September 11, 2009 Hey Broseph- Thanks for your kind words!! I do feel a lot stronger now, because I took the power out of his hands and took it for my own. I'm feeling much more in control now. He is relentless in his contacting me, I am not responding. I will but not yet... I am posting all the updates under my thread "over or not over" It's getting interesting, tiring but interesting. Yeah, after my 4 year relationship, he dumped me for another woman, but in the end I was the one doing the leaving. As soon as I found out I just stopped loving him. I cared about him but I could not love him. We didn't even really talk about our feelings after that. A month after I left, he came begging for me back and at that point I just felt really sorry for him. Life is ironic. How are you doing?
seoa Posted September 11, 2009 Posted September 11, 2009 Then I would leave them alone. If they called, I would not answer. I can see what you're saying, but for any dumpers out there, be aware that there's not a one-size fits all answer... My bf didn't behave as the above, and it was right for us - if he'd gone strictly NC immediately, it wouldn't have suited me... He let me guide things - when I wanted contact, he provided that (coz it was what he wanted), and since I've been ready to go NC, he's left me alone... Of course, it helps that along with the commitment phobia, he also has co-dependency (people-pleaser) issues.... I would NEVER break up with someone that I was still in love with and thought there could be a way that things could work between us. I suspect that you might, because it's all a matter of perspective... There's no absolute definition of 'a way that things could work'... Person A thinks it's something that can be worked through, Person B doesn't... Who's right...?
soheartbroken Posted September 11, 2009 Posted September 11, 2009 I can see what you're saying, but for any dumpers out there, be aware that there's not a one-size fits all answer... My bf didn't behave as the above, and it was right for us - if he'd gone strictly NC immediately, it wouldn't have suited me... He let me guide things - when I wanted contact, he provided that (coz it was what he wanted), and since I've been ready to go NC, he's left me alone... If I was a dumper, I would also let the dumpee guide the contact. I would not ignore her, because I know how hurtful complete abandonment is. Or, at the very least, I would tell her that I'm purposefully going NC for HER benefit, and that after 60 days we can speak if she wants to. That way she would know I'm not talking to her out of compassion, not that I've moved on and don't care about her anymore. I think sooner or later the dumpee realizes that it is more painful to be in contact...or maybe not, who knows. I wouldn't initiate contact though, but I wouldn't ignore it.
silic0ntoad Posted September 11, 2009 Posted September 11, 2009 If I were the dumper... I give two chances to fix any problem... I am with you for a reason in the first place... What people fail to see is that that reason is still there, even after years and years... If you can't compromise, and fix it after two chances... I tell them- "I am sorry, but I can't be with you, for XXX Reason (Honest, truthful, and exactly why), and at this point it is better for us to part paths. After we are finished dealing with whatever business there is between us, I will not contact you."
tigressA Posted September 11, 2009 Posted September 11, 2009 I agree with that, except for the "I'm sorry" part. A good friend of mine told me several years ago to never say "I'm sorry" to someone when you're breaking up with them.
Beeotch Posted September 11, 2009 Posted September 11, 2009 I can see what you're saying, but for any dumpers out there, be aware that there's not a one-size fits all answer... My bf didn't behave as the above, and it was right for us - if he'd gone strictly NC immediately, it wouldn't have suited me... He let me guide things - when I wanted contact, he provided that (coz it was what he wanted), and since I've been ready to go NC, he's left me alone... If I was a dumper, I would also let the dumpee guide the contact. I would not ignore her, because I know how hurtful complete abandonment is. Or, at the very least, I would tell her that I'm purposefully going NC for HER benefit, and that after 60 days we can speak if she wants to. That way she would know I'm not talking to her out of compassion, not that I've moved on and don't care about her anymore. I think sooner or later the dumpee realizes that it is more painful to be in contact...or maybe not, who knows. I wouldn't initiate contact though, but I wouldn't ignore it. I agree with you.
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