writergal Posted September 11, 2009 Posted September 11, 2009 I was on campus last night for one of my night classes when I ran into a gal in my program who lives in the same apt. bldg. down the hall of my ex-bf. Everytime I see her, I immediately associate her with my ex-bf. I know that's wrong (and not her fault) but I can't help it. And when she saw me, she smiled and then came up to me and gave me a huge hug. I immediately felt a pit in my stomach as we walked to the bldg. where we also (I learned at that moment) have class together. Obviously this Ex-by-Association is my issue and I've put her in the middle of my psychological battle with...myself, I guess. I had to fight every urge to ask her about him; had she run into him, are they dating, do they hang out, does he ever talk about me...So I kept these irrational questions to myself, swallowing back my anxiety. She invited me to get together next week. Well, I know myself enough to know that if I went over to her apt. I would be a total paranoid wreck, because I'd have to walk by his apt. door on the way to hers, and I'd have to fight the urge to knock on his door to say hi (very inappropriate thing to do too, considering how horrible our final break up convo went). So without going into the obvious details, I suggested she come over to my place to which she agreed. But, I still can't help feeling paranoid about her because of her association with my ex, AND when he and I were dating, I introduced them, AND when she was abroad this summer, and he I were playing that dysfunctional dating game of "on and off again" he told me he hung out with her a few times when we were broken up. (Before she'd left for the summer we'd had dinner and I asked her if she ever ran into him, to which she lied and said no, she hadn't. He and I were broken up at the time she and I had dinner, so why would she feel the need to lie to me?) Oh, he and I are both 38, and she's much younger, in her 20s. So, why am I so paranoid and jealous when he clearly did not really love me, told me so, so I moved on with my life, even though it is still recent. So why my babblative post? I like this young woman and don't want to continue obsessing about my ex everytime I see her. But its inevitable because the reality is yes, she lives down the hall from him. What kind of relationship or non-relationship they have is their business, not mine. I can create paranoid scenarios in my mind about them both being together but it won't help me move on emotionally. Plus, add to that that I'm still active on match and have been going on on first dates with different men - no luck so far of finding one interested in a second date. I do have a date with a guy next week who contacted me first, who I have been talking on the phone with and seem to have good conversational chemistry. I'm an emotional wreck. But I've only myself to blame. Ugh.
wizardof7 Posted September 13, 2009 Posted September 13, 2009 I would say be nice to her . But don't get too close . We all have the memories of the past . But life is too short to worry about things you can't change . All you really have is yourself , and the future . Maybe try to remember the good times you had and associate them with the site of her . And realiize that she is not your BF . And if she brings it up ask her not to talk about it . You can't punish her for being alive .
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