aerogurl87 Posted September 11, 2009 Posted September 11, 2009 Ok so basically here's my story. I met this guy a few months ago and we talked and became good friends but I had a boyfriend at the time so we didn't talk much. Well about a month ago my boyfriend and I broke up, so my friend and I started talking more and more. Now we're talking pretty much nonstop all day either via text or on the phone. We hung out twice this week and things were great, he even took me out to dinner and to go see a movie which was sweet. Now we haven't discussed the possibility of maybe dating in the future (although we've already kissed each other) but I have some concerns. He's 31 and I'm 19 going on 20 next month. We have alot in common and talking to him isn't weird, but I'm concerned about what my parents will think. I know that if we do end up dating my parents will want to meet him and so I guess I want to know if anyone has ever been in a sitation similar to this and what their advice is on having your family and friends accept your relationship with someone you have a big age difference with.
Art_Critic Posted September 11, 2009 Posted September 11, 2009 In his case age is just a number.. in yours it isn't.. IMO He is 31.. lived some of life to know what he wants out of life and has his direction pretty much set.. You.. 19 have just started living life and you will change direction as you get older.. By the way.. anytime that a 31 year old man wants to date a 19 year TEENAGER it is only for the sex.. he just wants to bang you.. I'm sure he isn't thinking of relationship when he thinks of you...
Citizen Erased Posted September 11, 2009 Posted September 11, 2009 By the way.. anytime that a 31 year old man wants to date a 19 year TEENAGER it is only for the sex.. he just wants to bang you.. I'm sure he isn't thinking of relationship when he thinks of you... I agree. And from the other side, that's pretty much all I'd want from someone 10 years older than me too. :bunny: I understand the appeal aerogurl but it's not worth risking getting hurt when he finds someone his own age that wants the same things as he does now instead of years later...And he is most probably not what you would want even a couple of years from now.
Author aerogurl87 Posted September 11, 2009 Author Posted September 11, 2009 By the way.. anytime that a 31 year old man wants to date a 19 year TEENAGER it is only for the sex.. he just wants to bang you.. I'm sure he isn't thinking of relationship when he thinks of you... Hmm, may be true but I don't know if he just wants sex he's doing a good job of hiding it lol. I mean when we talk it's not like the whole discussion is about sex, in fact now that I think of it, when we talk he never mentions sex. For awhile I wasn't even sure if he was interested in me, lol. So sorry I disagree, but thanks for your input.
You'reasian Posted September 11, 2009 Posted September 11, 2009 Ok so basically here's my story. I met this guy a few months ago and we talked and became good friends but I had a boyfriend at the time so we didn't talk much. Well about a month ago my boyfriend and I broke up, so my friend and I started talking more and more. Now we're talking pretty much nonstop all day either via text or on the phone. We hung out twice this week and things were great, he even took me out to dinner and to go see a movie which was sweet. Now we haven't discussed the possibility of maybe dating in the future (although we've already kissed each other) but I have some concerns. He's 31 and I'm 19 going on 20 next month. We have alot in common and talking to him isn't weird, but I'm concerned about what my parents will think. I know that if we do end up dating my parents will want to meet him and so I guess I want to know if anyone has ever been in a sitation similar to this and what their advice is on having your family and friends accept your relationship with someone you have a big age difference with. If he's just interested in banging you and that's not the sole focus on where you want to go, I'd hold out - see who this guy is.
always_searching Posted September 11, 2009 Posted September 11, 2009 I'm 24 and, personally, think age is indeed just a number. As I don't know either of you, thus have no idea as to your intentions with eachother, I can't really say whether it would be a good idea for you to get involved with this particular 31 year old. Though, as you are only 19, I would seriously question his motives. Honestly, I would say he is one of two things, or some degree of both: (1) either only interested in sex or (2) extremely immature. Just be cautious. I must say: I empathize with you! I love me some older men!
Author aerogurl87 Posted September 11, 2009 Author Posted September 11, 2009 Just be cautious. I must say: I empathize with you! I love me some older men! Haha yes that's exactly how I feel. I've always been interested in older guys since I was about 16 because for me younger guys just don't do it for me. I mean my ex boyfriend was 20 and I got bored with him quickly because intellectually we were not on the same wavelength. He wanted to talk about video games when I wanted to talk about politics and history, and well it just got kind of boring. This older man though offers me intellectual stimulation and has been a complete gentleman. I never feel pressured to do anything when I'm with him and I know I can be myself around him, which is a nice change. I guess that's part of why I like him. Also I don't plan on having sex with him anytime soon, so if that's all he's in it for he'll go away sooner or later. I'm holding out, I may be young but I'm not naive. I've been through enough in my life to know how the world and men work.
dreamergrl Posted September 11, 2009 Posted September 11, 2009 There are times when age is just a number. This is not one of them. You are 19, still finding your way through life. He is 31, should be well grounded, knows what he wants, and is most likely at a different place in life. IME, many older men who feel the need to go for late teens/very early 20's like to have more control. At 19 you're less likely to have experience. More naive (not saying you are, but there's a greater chance of a 19 year old being more clueless as far as relationships and what not goes then a 30 year old). You haven't heard all the lines, went through as much R drama, ect ect.
Author aerogurl87 Posted September 11, 2009 Author Posted September 11, 2009 At 19 you're less likely to have experience. More naive (not saying you are, but there's a greater chance of a 19 year old being more clueless as far as relationships and what not goes then a 30 year old). You haven't heard all the lines, went through as much R drama, ect ect. I understand why people like you think I don't have much life experience, but I've been through alot for a 19 year old. I've dealt with stopping my ex from killing himself, dealt with verbal and emotional abuse from another ex, and more stuff that I don't feel like bringing up here. I've seen alot in my 19 years, more than most 19 year olds have dealt with I'm sure. But all those things made me who I am today, a stronger woman who knows what she wants. I know what I want in life and believe me it's not the same things the average college boy wants. Most of the guys I'm interested in are at least 25 because intellectually and emotionally that's where I'm at. Most people don't even figure out I'm 19 when they start talking to me until I tell them that I am (well aside from the fact that I look young, lol). So like I said, I guess that's why I like him. Also he didn't really go after me, it was more like the other way around, lol. I kinda went after him subtly at first.
LakesideDream Posted September 11, 2009 Posted September 11, 2009 There is a big difference between 19 and 26... or 31. I know exactly of what I write. If the two of you get together now, there is VERY likely possibility that down the road 15 or 25 years you are going to become resentful that you didn't get to "sow your wild oats" or have "single girl times". That can be a huge problem. Spend some time sowing those oats, if you can force yourself. Save trouble down the trail. And yes, I want to believe that age is just a number. Good luck to you.
Author aerogurl87 Posted September 11, 2009 Author Posted September 11, 2009 Well I just talked to him again today and we discussed the whole sex issue. Basically I was upfront with him and told him that I wasn't going to have sex unless I was in a committed relationship with someone. So he said he respected that and then asked me if maybe there was a possibility that in the future he may be able to have such a relationship with me. Like I said, I think he's a great guy and I do think there is a possibility we could have a good relationship together. But some advice on how to explain this to my parents would still be nice
dreamergrl Posted September 11, 2009 Posted September 11, 2009 I understand why people like you think I don't have much life experience, but I've been through alot for a 19 year old. I've dealt with stopping my ex from killing himself, dealt with verbal and emotional abuse from another ex, and more stuff that I don't feel like bringing up here. I've seen alot in my 19 years, more than most 19 year olds have dealt with I'm sure. But all those things made me who I am today, a stronger woman who knows what she wants. I know what I want in life and believe me it's not the same things the average college boy wants. Most of the guys I'm interested in are at least 25 because intellectually and emotionally that's where I'm at. Most people don't even figure out I'm 19 when they start talking to me until I tell them that I am (well aside from the fact that I look young, lol). So like I said, I guess that's why I like him. Honey, you don't know the half of what I've been through in my early adult years, so don't go with the "people like you" crap. And it didn't matter, because even after going through a lot, I thought I knew what I wanted. I thought I had it all figured out. The truth is, when you deal with more hardships at a younger age, it can make for harder relationships down the road. Well I just talked to him again today and we discussed the whole sex issue. Basically I was upfront with him and told him that I wasn't going to have sex unless I was in a committed relationship with someone. So he said he respected that and then asked me if maybe there was a possibility that in the future he may be able to have such a relationship with me. Like I said, I think he's a great guy and I do think there is a possibility we could have a good relationship together. But some advice on how to explain this to my parents would still be nice So he said that he doesn't want a committed relationship right now, maybe in the future. That was his way of saying he wants fun now. He added in maybe more in the future to make it sound more promising. So what do you want to explain to your parents about that? This is exactly what I was talking about.
Jersey Shortie Posted September 11, 2009 Posted September 11, 2009 Aerogurl, I guess I don't know why you are asking for advice. I think you have your mind well made up already. But I am going to chime in because you did ask. Fact is you are 19. We all thought we knew what the world was about at 19. Seriously. Dealing with verbal and emotional abuse, stopping an ex from killing himself..does not make you wordly or all grown up. Yes, you have been through things but that doesn't mean you are fully the person you are going to be or that you know everything or that there aren't some life experiences that you won't need to go through that a man at 31 has. Take it from the people that have been there and done that. I changed SOOO much from 19 to my mid 20s. Those short few years really make a difference. I am not attracted to the same men now that I was then. I am not going to say the only thing he is interested in is sex but you have to wonder about a 31 year old man chasing teenagers. Do I think it makes him a bad guy? No. But I don't think it makes him the mature wordly man you think he is. Truth is, age matters. It is another componant in a relationship to consider. You inherently understand this or you wouldn't even have the question in your mind to begin with. You are going to get older, so is he. Do you really want to be with a man ten years from now when he is 41 and your 29 that is looking at other teenage girls? Even when I was 19, I would have been turned off by such a man. But that's just me. If you are dead set on dating him, then take your time. Just be honest with your parents. That's all you can do. There is no way to gloss over the fact that he is a 31 year old man dating someone barely out of high school. It's not the thing that is going to be attractive to any sane parent. Heck , you can't even legally drink yet. Oy! How did you meet this guy anyway?
Green Posted September 11, 2009 Posted September 11, 2009 My mom married a much older man. So if it wasn't for that I wouldn't exist. they never divorced and always seemed happy to me. With that said I still think alot of what people have been saying is true. So sure it can work out but it also has alot of problems in it. To add in another story one of my friends dates a girl 10 years younger then him. and theyv'e been dating for years and probably will get engaged soon... again not the rule
northstar1 Posted September 11, 2009 Posted September 11, 2009 I am curious, what do a 19 year old and a 31 year old have in common? Be honest here.
espec10001 Posted September 11, 2009 Posted September 11, 2009 He just wants to bang you and since he is that age he knows all the right things to say to do it. I'm sure you think he's so cool and smart and has his own place and all that jazz, but the reality is he just wants to have sex with you. Of course he won't openly admit it, but that's all he wants. But it's your life and you make the choices so do what you want.
silic0ntoad Posted September 11, 2009 Posted September 11, 2009 I am curious, what do a 19 year old and a 31 year old have in common? Be honest here. They breathe, eat, drink, and sleep. But that's about it. Aero, to be completely honest, this is a VERY bad idea. You're going to get hurt. Most guys who go for younger chix tend to come off as sweet and caring because it appeals to the naievity of them. This leads to their ultimate goal- sex with a younger attractive person. But that's all it amounts to.
northstar1 Posted September 11, 2009 Posted September 11, 2009 He just wants to bang you and since he is that age he knows all the right things to say to do it. I'm sure you think he's so cool and smart and has his own place and all that jazz, but the reality is he just wants to have sex with you. Of course he won't openly admit it, but that's all he wants. But it's your life and you make the choices so do what you want. +1 here. This.
ReturnToSender Posted September 11, 2009 Posted September 11, 2009 When I met my ex-husband, I was 19 and he was 32. I do believe that age is nothing but a number....I also believe, as a friend of mine put it, age is not an indicator of maturity either. Our relationship was hiliarious (in hindsight) you would think he was the teenager and I was the mid 30's one. He had no concept of money..I had to handle the finances and eventually had to give him an allowance cause he kept blowing all our money on video games and guys nights out. I wanted a husband and father I could depend on, he wanted a drinking buddy he could have sex with. We were at completely different stages of life and had our priorities in different places...not because of our age, but because of our mindset and personalities. Our major problems were his spending habits and nights out. Other than that...he was loving, and we did have quite a bit in common. But I needed a complete man 100%, not a little boy in a mans body. Hes in his late 40's now, and still a party guy. Now that Im the age he was when we met...my home and family are still whats important to me. Along with that...it never occurred to me how Im going to bring it to my family, or how anyone is going to accept anything. Id venture to guess...if what other people think matters that much, and you are afraid of acceptance and such...then thats your inner red flag going off that you know theres something wrong here,and you know others are going to see what you are trying to ignore. What I would look at is what you want out of the relationship, and what he wants out of the relationship. You are already analyzing things and its clear you want this to be something serious. He has already let you know he doesnt want anythign serious...from a guy of any age, thats a pretty clear sign he just wants to have his fun. With that alone, you are setting yoruself up for failure.
Author aerogurl87 Posted September 11, 2009 Author Posted September 11, 2009 Honey, you don't know the half of what I've been through in my early adult years, so don't go with the "people like you" crap. And it didn't matter, because even after going through a lot, I thought I knew what I wanted. I thought I had it all figured out. The truth is, when you deal with more hardships at a younger age, it can make for harder relationships down the road. So he said that he doesn't want a committed relationship right now, maybe in the future. That was his way of saying he wants fun now. He added in maybe more in the future to make it sound more promising. So what do you want to explain to your parents about that? This is exactly what I was talking about. Dreamgirl I'm sorry if you took what I said the wrong way, but that's not how I meant it, my apologies. Anyway, he didn't say it like that per say. I told him that I didn't want to have sex with anyone till I was in a committed relationship and he said he understood that and respected that and that he was wondering if there was a possibility we could have such a relationship in the future. It wasn't that he was saying that he maybe would want to date me, it was more like he was saying let's take things slow and see what develops naturally between us which I greatly appreciate. I think that could be appreciated in any man at any age for me since I don't want to rush into a new relationship anytime soon. They breathe, eat, drink, and sleep. But that's about it. Aero, to be completely honest, this is a VERY bad idea. You're going to get hurt. Most guys who go for younger chix tend to come off as sweet and caring because it appeals to the naievity of them. This leads to their ultimate goal- sex with a younger attractive person. But that's all it amounts to. Someone had asked what do we have in common. Well yeah we both breathe, eat, drink, and sleep, but there's more to it than that. We also both have the same interests, listen to the same music, and enjoy some of the same hobbies. It's not all about sex and until recently the subject was never brought up until last night. So that in itself is also probably why I like him. Also like I said, he respects my boundaries and that is another quality I'd like in any guy regardless of his age. Yes, I know he wants to have sex with me, I'm not naive, but does that make him a bad person? I don't think so. I mean at least he's honest about it and doesn't try to pressure me into doing something I don't want to do. I can't say the same thing for most of the guys my age.
Author aerogurl87 Posted September 11, 2009 Author Posted September 11, 2009 ReturntoSender I really appreciated your post. That's how I feel basically, I don't want to date around for fun I want something serious and I mean I've been upfront with him about it. It's not that I don't want to introduce him to my family, it's more like I'd like my parents to accept my decision of dating him. I mean if they don't to be honest I really don't care. But yes, I would like them to accept it, but I highly doubt they will. Also I agree with age being just a number. I've been told I have the mind of a 25 year old instead of a 19 year old before. I just see the world differently than most people my age. I've met guys in their early 30s who want to stay out all night and party (something I don't want) and guys who are in their early 20s, who want to stay in and find a girl they can settle down with. So yes I do think it's about your mental age as compared to your physical age. This guy is what I want in a man. He's not the type to go out and party all night, knows the meaning of the word "savings", and is just a good guy overall. Does he want a serious relationship? Well yeah I think he does, but as he's mentioned to me before he doesn't want to just settle for anything and that's why he wants to take things slow. Is there anything wrong with that? Well I don't think so, but hey I guess I could be wrong. Anyway, thanks for your post.
GorillaTheater Posted September 11, 2009 Posted September 11, 2009 Someone had asked what do we have in common. Well yeah we both breathe, eat, drink, and sleep, but there's more to it than that. We also both have the same interests, listen to the same music, and enjoy some of the same hobbies. It's not all about sex and until recently the subject was never brought up until last night. So that in itself is also probably why I like him. Also like I said, he respects my boundaries and that is another quality I'd like in any guy regardless of his age. Yes, I know he wants to have sex with me, I'm not naive, but does that make him a bad person? I don't think so. I mean at least he's honest about it and doesn't try to pressure me into doing something I don't want to do. I can't say the same thing for most of the guys my age. I have to say, you sound smart and realistic. I'm trying not to add "for a 19 year old", but I'd be lying if I said I wasn't thinking it. Of course he wants to have sex with you. That in and of itself doesn't make him a bad person at all, it's perfectly normal. But I would advise a certain degree of caution, I suppose to make sure that he's interested in you beyond the sex. Nobody wants to see you get hurt, least of all you. Take things reasonably slow, and good luck.
Author aerogurl87 Posted September 11, 2009 Author Posted September 11, 2009 GorillaTheater thanks for the compliment lol. Yeah I'm going to give it time to progress, if he's just in it for the sex he'll lose interest when he realizes that I'm serious about no sex till I'm in a seriously committed relationship. But, if he really likes me for me (which I think he does) then he'll stick around. Thanks for the advice
bella16 Posted September 11, 2009 Posted September 11, 2009 I'm a little older than you, 23, and my bf is 30 years old...so hes got 6 years on me since I'll be 24 this year. It was never an issue with my family, they loved him immediately. I actually would rather date someone a little older than me because he has been through more than I have, he has a daughter who is 8 years old and hes a wonderful father. When we are together hes funny, silly and we play around all the time...but when he needs to act his age, he knows what hes gotta do. I honestly don't see the problem with it in your case. I've seen and heard of a MUCH bigger age difference. I never see a problem with it no matter what.
sweetjasmine Posted September 11, 2009 Posted September 11, 2009 They breathe, eat, drink, and sleep. But that's about it. That's not exactly fair. When I was 19, I very briefly dated someone who was 30. It was a mistake because even though we were intellectually/emotionally compatible and could talk for hours on end, we weren't physically compatible. We didn't really have much chemistry. But we could relate to each other very easily, and we're good friends now. It's likely that someone who's 19 isn't going to have much of anything in common with someone who's in their early 30s, but there are cases where that isn't true. That being said, I agree she should be very careful.
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