GypsyRayne Posted September 10, 2009 Posted September 10, 2009 I posted on the marriage forum about my husband posting an ad on a gay site. He says he has never physically cheated on me, only this one time and only online. He says he knows it was cheating, but basically I need to let it go. It hasn't even been 2 weeks since I found out. I feel horrible. I feel betrayed, lied to, cheated on and very insecure. Like if I were good enough, this wouldn't have happened. I get very depressed, cry, feel like I am going to pass out, just physically sick. He gets mad at me, calls me psycho, yells at me, he even told me last night that he can't handle this and he will leave me. My question is, would you feel the same way. Or because it was online, it was not a big deal? Am I wrong to feel the way I do? I need some advice.
redtail Posted September 10, 2009 Posted September 10, 2009 My question is, would you feel the same way. Or because it was online, it was not a big deal? Am I wrong to feel the way I do? I need some advice. When a spouse, a person you trust, typically more than anyone else, betrays that trust, the physical effects are absolutely devastating. The pain is one that is difficult to understand by those that have not experienced it. I remember the all encompassing horrible feelings that unexpectantly came over me when I found out about my wife's affair. So, yes, it IS a big deal, and no, you are NOT wrong to feel the way you do. Betrayal hurts big time. The question now is, you need to work on this. Questions to consider now are, is the marriage salvagable? Seems like a premature question, but you need to be prepared to answer it. If so, you and your husband must contribute to the solution, he needs to understand and I'm thinking the only way he could understand your pain is through counseling. Is this something you two have talked about? Best of luck to you!
foreal Posted September 10, 2009 Posted September 10, 2009 I posted on the marriage forum about my husband posting an ad on a gay site. He says he has never physically cheated on me, only this one time and only online. He says he knows it was cheating, but basically I need to let it go. It hasn't even been 2 weeks since I found out. I feel horrible. I feel betrayed, lied to, cheated on and very insecure. Like if I were good enough, this wouldn't have happened. I get very depressed, cry, feel like I am going to pass out, just physically sick. He gets mad at me, calls me psycho, yells at me, he even told me last night that he can't handle this and he will leave me. My question is, would you feel the same way. Or because it was online, it was not a big deal? Am I wrong to feel the way I do? I need some advice. Yes, I would feel the same way you do. No you are not wrong to feel this way. I would be so pissed and feel betrayed not only b/c he is posting an ad but also b/c it is for another man...b/c damn, I am thinking you prefer your H to be straight...unless you knew he was gay/bi going into the M??..or hmm, unless you are a man as well? either way, he betrayed you and you have every right to be upset.
PhoenixRise Posted September 10, 2009 Posted September 10, 2009 WOW I will say this, nobody posts their profile on a gay website just for kicks. Get yourself tested for STD's. Did you know he was at the very least bisexual when you married him or is this a total surprize to you? You have every right to be upset and to feel betrayed. You were betrayed. If he is threatening to leave you if you keep bringing it up. Then pack him a bag so he can get the hell out.
sweetjasmine Posted September 10, 2009 Posted September 10, 2009 He gets mad at me, calls me psycho, yells at me, he even told me last night that he can't handle this and he will leave me. He betrays your trust and does all of that, and then he gets mad at you for getting upset over it? I think he's trying to make you feel guilty and scared so he doesn't have to think about his own guilt. What a jerk. My question is, would you feel the same way. Or because it was online, it was not a big deal? Am I wrong to feel the way I do? I need some advice. It is a big deal, and you're definitely not wrong to feel the way you do. You're not a psycho for being upset that your H broke his wedding vows, was unfaithful, and betrayed your trust.
jennie-jennie Posted September 11, 2009 Posted September 11, 2009 Clarify, there is no saying that he is not bisexual. He doesn't have to be gay. He might very well like both men and women.
KikiW Posted September 11, 2009 Posted September 11, 2009 It absolutely is a violation of your trust, and I would have just as much of a problem as you are with it. It doesn't sound like he is truly sorry or ashamed of what he did (and by ashamed, I mean betraying your trust). It sounds like he has a lot of anger, perhaps he is struggling heavily with his sexual identity, but he is taking it out on you and that is unfair and wrong. You need to take care of yourself here. You need to get yourself tested, and you need to distance yourself from him. Unless he wants to make the marriage work (and by that I mean going to counseling to get to the root issues, as well as fully disclosing to you what all he has been up to, and then taking honest steps to regain your trust), you will want to have a talk with an attorney about your options.
Owl Posted September 11, 2009 Posted September 11, 2009 I wanted to address one thing I don't think I saw covered here. Do a google search for the definition of the term "gaslighting". This is a huge part of what your H is doing to you. He's trying to turn HIS poor behaviors and actions back around on you. Calling you psycho, etc... What he's trying to do is to bully you down into a point where you're afraid to call him out on his mistakes/stupidity/etc... Don't tolerate that. INSIST on the things you need to safeguard and protect your marriage...or, if you need to...INSIST on the end of the marriage. Don't let him try to make light of all of this, or try to bully you out of addressing the issues.
2sure Posted September 11, 2009 Posted September 11, 2009 I wanted to address one thing I don't think I saw covered here. Do a google search for the definition of the term "gaslighting". Please DO this. Right now. Read all of it. You will end with the knowledge that you are NOT crazy, not over reacting. You are frustrasted and feeling anxious because every part of your body is screaming that you are under attack but you dont really know from where. He is gaslighting you.
MSUE Posted September 11, 2009 Posted September 11, 2009 Gypsy I would feel just the same way...it is a big deal...wether he admits or not...its a serious problem...I don't particularly like the lack of sensitivity when he is at fault 110%...and calling you a psycho for being hurt because of his own actions is unacceptable...and he sail he will leave you...to me that shows how important you and your R is to him...he screwed up ...big time...it is in fact a betrayal and a line...a major line has been crossed and there is no going back on that...I can understand how you feel cheated...truthfully I would be too... JJ...it doesn't matter wether he is gay or bisexual...the betrayal is the same and it does not change his actions by any means...it does not make a difference as far as her pain goes ...it might however be a deciding factor to stay in the marriage...as it would mean he is still interested in women that being his wife...if he is gay there's no point on continuing this marriage...she deserves to be loved and respected and a loyal partner who is all about her
MSUE Posted September 11, 2009 Posted September 11, 2009 correct me if I'm wrong but I don't think this is something that can be worked on...he can't take this back and it is something you will never forget...with time you might be able to forgive it...but i highly doubt forget...gaslighting is right...he is certainly turning this around on you...let me remind you...YOU ARE THE VICTIM...you did nothing to deserve this...HE IS ATTRACTED TO MEN and nothing can change that...and it is clear that if he acted on his fantasy/desire he would never admit to you he has done so...and judging by the way you described the ad he posted I hate to say it...but my gut feeling is that he has...that is not an amateur ad. Do not allow him to treat you this way...I know you are deeply hurt but hon...you need to put your foot down on this one...get the strength...I'm sure you feel so embarassed to share this situation with fam and friends...I'm sure you have a friend that you can be open to and share...I think you need someone to look after you and support you at this time of need...but please remember you always have us at LS;)
CarrieT Posted September 11, 2009 Posted September 11, 2009 And, GR, in the two weeks since you have found out, have you gotten yourself tested for STDs? I know we keep harping on this, but it is CRITICAL for you to take care of yourself. DO NOT BELIEVE HIM if he has told you it was a first-time thing on the 'net and that he has never met with or had sex with a man. When I look back to the clues my husband left me, I was completely in the dark at ignoring the signs only to have it presented to me in all its ugly, fleshy reality. Please, please learn from my situation. Don't wait to find your husband with other men. You've got the signs that it has already started and you need to know if you have been infected!
Devil Inside Posted September 11, 2009 Posted September 11, 2009 My question is, would you feel the same way. Or because it was online, it was not a big deal? Am I wrong to feel the way I do? I need some advice. That sounds like gaslighting to me. Do not question your emotions...of course you should be upset and hurt. Another clue that is justifiable is by the defensive reaction he is giving you. Sorry.
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