Devil Inside Posted September 14, 2009 Posted September 14, 2009 Question for WS. I sometimes, when I'm weak , feel that my husband via his infidelities has broken me. Changed me as a person of course, but also broke me as in I'm not sure I can ever be capable of having a loving & trusting relationship again. I feel like he broke me and that sure its up to me to fix myself in whatever fashion I can to be healthy but.... He broke it, he bought it. As in, and I know this sounds bad but...I feel like he should bare some of the responsibility for this change for as long as we both shall live. Gross huh? Not in a " I want to punish him for the rest of his life way"...but in a " I have nothing to offer anyone else anymore way". I have explained myself? I can understand why you feel that way...he took something from you that you will never regain. At least, you'll never regain that ability to trust like it was before all of this. However, I wonder, if in time, wanting him to own this will only hold you back. Is there really anyway that he can make it up to you? I don't think he should not try...but I really don't think there is anything he could do...and it will only hold you back. Of course, all in due time. I think you have it right by focusing on you for now.
silktricks Posted September 14, 2009 Posted September 14, 2009 my husband really felt and still feels that I did not truly love him before. And the scary thing is...he is exactly right, I didn't love him...not in that way. It was a failure of our relationship at that point. My husband wasn't just saying that he thought I didn't love him-he really and truly believed it and maintains that belief to this day. {snip} I hate the fact that infidelity touched my marriage but I can't regret what the outcome is. I wouldn't trade the marriage I have now with my husband for anything in the world. My pre-affair marriage left a lot to be desired. I completely understand and agree. I thought I loved my husband pre-affair, but there is a huge gulf between how I felt, how I loved him, what I was (and wasn't) willing to do to show my love and how I am now. My husband also thought he loved me, but the difference in his actions toward me now and toward me before is like night and day. Like you, I don't regret the outcome. If it took the depth of pain we went through to bring us to this point, it was worth it. I wish we could have arrived at this point without the pain, but I believe that we were both so injured both from our birth families and first marriages that neither of us could truly give ourselves to the other. We both held something in reserve. We don't do that anymore. It truly did take almost losing what we held most dear to really understand its value.
2sure Posted September 14, 2009 Posted September 14, 2009 In the face of all that has happened, my H now admits and is as sincere as someone like him can be.....that he didnt realize how much he loved me. That he didnt realize how much I loved him. But you know, this pisses me off more than I can say because its just too late. He could have a document signed by all the saints in heaven that he would never cheat again...but whats that get me? The same things that made him realize how much he loves me are the exact same things that have woken me to the realization that...the feelings gone.
foreal Posted September 14, 2009 Posted September 14, 2009 ...Sure, there would have been fidelity between us, but not much else... I hate the fact that infidelity touched my marriage but I can't regret what the outcome is. I wouldn't trade the marriage I have now with my husband for anything in the world. My pre-affair marriage left a lot to be desired. This thread is very therapeutic. First, it is so reassuring to know I am not the only W who heard the "I thought you no longer loved me" line from H when explaining how/why he wandered off. I thought this was surely something my H pulled out of his a** as a way to blame ME. He keeps saying "NO!! It wasn't YOU Foreal, it was ME! I am the Fd up one!" I am finally believing that- Also, it speaks to what Silk, Snow and Spark have said as far as how the M was before the A...or at least in the year or 2 before it. It is striking how much I can relate to all this. I have been so angry, so hurt. So damn peeved that now I have a M that is no longer 'pure'... but Snow, your line up there, "there would have been fidelity between us, but not much else..." really hit me. I felt we had a lot between us, however, I knew things were not as they should or could be. I knew it, but did not know how to address it properly...and neither did he, obviously. So I guess instead of having a M as 'pure' as the driven snow, it will be one more along the lines of a soiled dove?!! cheep cheep. By the way, I am starting a new girl band and want to call it 3S (for Spark, Silk and Snow)
Snowflower Posted September 14, 2009 Posted September 14, 2009 Like you, I don't regret the outcome. If it took the depth of pain we went through to bring us to this point, it was worth it. I wish we could have arrived at this point without the pain, but I believe that we were both so injured both from our birth families and first marriages that neither of us could truly give ourselves to the other. We both held something in reserve. We don't do that anymore. It truly did take almost losing what we held most dear to really understand its value. Sometimes I don't think it possible to arrive at this point without the pain. And I know how painful, yet rewarding it is to nearly lose something so precious to recognize it's value. I get what you're saying though, SK. My husband and I both held back emotionally in our pre-affair marriage for a lot of reasons. Some of it was just ignorance on each of our parts...I don't think either of us knew we were holding back at that time. Some of it like you say, was injuries we each had inflicted on us from long before we knew each other. My husband and I learned how to truly give ourselves to the other. I know exactly what you are saying here. In the face of all that has happened, my H now admits and is as sincere as someone like him can be.....that he didnt realize how much he loved me. That he didnt realize how much I loved him. But you know, this pisses me off more than I can say because its just too late. He could have a document signed by all the saints in heaven that he would never cheat again...but whats that get me? The same things that made him realize how much he loves me are the exact same things that have woken me to the realization that...the feelings gone. 2sure, I am so sorry for your pain and I am sure it cuts deeply to hear your husband say that he realizes now how much he loves you...when it is too late. Sometimes realizations like this come too little, too late. I'm sure he does love you...I don't believe that just because someone betrays necessarily means that they can't love...that's too simplistic. As twisted as this may sound...at least you know that your husband is getting some payback for the h*ll he put you through...he has lost someone that he loves-you-through his own stupid, selfish actions.
Snowflower Posted September 14, 2009 Posted September 14, 2009 This thread is very therapeutic. First, it is so reassuring to know I am not the only W who heard the "I thought you no longer loved me" line from H when explaining how/why he wandered off. I thought this was surely something my H pulled out of his a** as a way to blame ME. He keeps saying "NO!! It wasn't YOU Foreal, it was ME! I am the Fd up one!" I am finally believing that- Also, it speaks to what Silk, Snow and Spark have said as far as how the M was before the A...or at least in the year or 2 before it. It is striking how much I can relate to all this. I have been so angry, so hurt. So damn peeved that now I have a M that is no longer 'pure'... but Snow, your line up there, "there would have been fidelity between us, but not much else..." really hit me. I felt we had a lot between us, however, I knew things were not as they should or could be. I knew it, but did not know how to address it properly...and neither did he, obviously. So I guess instead of having a M as 'pure' as the driven snow, it will be one more along the lines of a soiled dove?!! cheep cheep. By the way, I am starting a new girl band and want to call it 3S (for Spark, Silk and Snow) 3S girl band...LOL, too funny! Foreal, it took a long time...a lot of discernment, processing, talking it out, MC/IC for me to come this far. Don't beat yourself for what you didn't know before d-day or even pre-affair. Don't beat your husband up for what he didn't realize at that time either. I thought that the 'well, I thought you didn't really love me' line from my husband was an excuse initially but I came to realize that he really meant it. I had to go back and examine my own actions from my pre-affair marriage and I realized some stuff. As for realizing stuff about your marriage--it takes a long time to wade through all this stuff. I thought we had a pretty good marriage pre-affair. Now I realize this wasn't so true, even from my standpoint. My husband just realized it a little faster. Not that he handled his disillusionment in the right way-but he was exactly correct in thinking that things were not all good between us. Foreal, it bothered me a lot for a long time to have that taint-infidelity-on my marriage. But, it is lessening for me now mostly because the new marriage that we have built is so much richer than the old one that we had. So, the soiled dove idea doesn't even really apply, either-and I hope you won't always feel that way about your marriage...that maybe you will find something beautiful from the pain. I'm glad what I said helped you...that yes, we might have had fidelity between us but little else in future years without this crisis. Yes, it hurts me that my marriage was touched by something so horrific and I think it hurts my husband just as badly-but I wouldn't trade the marriage I have now for anything. I wouldn't even want to go back to my pre-affair marriage, the one untainted by infidelity, unless of course I could know what I know now and apply it back then.
Dexter Morgan Posted September 14, 2009 Posted September 14, 2009 "Love is like a cigar. If it goes out, you can relight it, but it never tastes quite the same." escpecially if the reason the cigar went out is because someone rubbed it out in dog sh#t.
foreal Posted September 14, 2009 Posted September 14, 2009 escpecially if the reason the cigar went out is because someone rubbed it out in dog sh#t. more like cat piss...it is smellier and the odor never seems to go away... you are too much Dexter!
silktricks Posted September 14, 2009 Posted September 14, 2009 3S girl band...LOL, too funny! {snip} unless of course I could know what I know now and apply it back then. I get drums!!! My hubby and I often have played the "if I knew then what I know now" game... trying to figure out at what point we'd like to return - and what we'd do if we could... Finally we settled on about 11-12 years before we met, so that we wouldn't experience our first marriages at all!! That would all by itself wipe out a number of HUGE issues . But, like I think you said, you don't really grow without pain.. it's unfortunate, but appears, sadly enough, to be true.
silktricks Posted September 14, 2009 Posted September 14, 2009 In the face of all that has happened, my H now admits and is as sincere as someone like him can be.....that he didnt realize how much he loved me. That he didnt realize how much I loved him. But you know, this pisses me off more than I can say because its just too late. He could have a document signed by all the saints in heaven that he would never cheat again...but whats that get me? The same things that made him realize how much he loves me are the exact same things that have woken me to the realization that...the feelings gone. I feel so bad for you 2sure. You, though, are a very strong lady and will not just survive, but thrive. I'm too sure of that .
Dexter Morgan Posted September 14, 2009 Posted September 14, 2009 more like cat piss...it is smellier and the odor never seems to go away... you are too much Dexter! well thats how I equate a marriage where one person has cheated. its all covered in dog sh#t. and no matter how well you clean it off your shoes, its always still in the cracks on the bottom. only way to clean it off properly is to throw them in the washer, and then the shoes come out battered.......just like a marriage when someone has cheated.
foreal Posted September 14, 2009 Posted September 14, 2009 well thats how I equate a marriage where one person has cheated. its all covered in dog sh#t. and no matter how well you clean it off your shoes, its always still in the cracks on the bottom. only way to clean it off properly is to throw them in the washer, and then the shoes come out battered.......just like a marriage when someone has cheated. Hmm, well, I just got a new washer and I have to say, it does not batter shoes at all, in fact I love that washer-...so maybe there is hope for my M if we use the washing machine analogy as long as we use my new washer..the old one would eat beer cans...
jj33 Posted September 14, 2009 Posted September 14, 2009 I don't know how often an affair occurs because the WS has come to believe their spouse no longer loves them - and anger over that loss, but I do know that at least some of the time that is the underlying reason. So, an affair happens and at some point D-Day arrives. If the WS is then struck between the eyes by the obvious depth of love their partner has - then what? Do you not believe that would have a powerful impact upon the cheater? I do. I just saw this post. This is DEFINITELY why xMM lives as he does. He beleives she no longer loves him and to the extent she cares about his activities at all, its only as a matter of vanity (and she has proved him right). Its heartbreaking for him. 2sure big big hugs
silktricks Posted September 15, 2009 Posted September 15, 2009 I just saw this post. This is DEFINITELY why xMM lives as he does. He beleives she no longer loves him and to the extent she cares about his activities at all, its only as a matter of vanity (and she has proved him right). Its heartbreaking for him. 2sure big big hugs Though in some cases (such as mine, Snow's and Spark's) the WS is completely and utterly wrong about how their wife feels, unfortunately, of course, there are some WS's who are absolutely right. The BS really doesn't truly give a flip about them. It really is incredibly sad.
Spark1111 Posted September 15, 2009 Posted September 15, 2009 I feel so bad for you 2sure. You, though, are a very strong lady and will not just survive, but thrive. I'm too sure of that . (((((2sure))))) I will never understand the mind set of people who have absolutely no gratitude for what is good and right in their lives. Why must some almost have to lose it all before they realize how wonderful a gift is true love from another? The arrogance and self-entitlement is mind blowing. My husband, too, said he felt I was too good for him; that he had married "above" himself. I told him to STOP. While that may have been his true feelings, I also felt it was being used as an excuse, that it allowed him to seek others HE could feel superior to: the "affair-down" theory in play here. Which in his case, was very true. I have never felt that way for five minutes in my marriage, that I was better than him. But now? I am only better in one regard: My integrity. I have always "owned" my choices, and that includes the decision to marry him. Never looked back, never wished for better or different. Until the affair. Too little too late? Yes, I too have felt that way.
Spark1111 Posted September 15, 2009 Posted September 15, 2009 Though in some cases (such as mine, Snow's and Spark's) the WS is completely and utterly wrong about how their wife feels, unfortunately, of course, there are some WS's who are absolutely right. The BS really doesn't truly give a flip about them. It really is incredibly sad. I want to play the base guitar! What will we name ourselves? The BWR? (Betrayed Women Rockers?)
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