Question to WS's Why do you want to save your marriages?

[Dexter Morgan]

I am just curious as to what some of the answers are. Is it because the AP ended things? You really do love your H or W and think the marriage is worth salvaging...For the kids. What are some of the reasons out there?

 

And also how it has worked out or not worked out.

 

I am just trying to gain some insight.

 

 

my guess...money....not wanting to go through the hard times of a divorce, wanting to keep the family status quo.....and I believe alot of times it has NOTHING to do with wanting their BS.

[Devil Inside]

I can answer from where I am today. The key word is why I'm willing to WORK on staying together...whether it will be the right choice or not is yet to be seen.

 

I do love my wife. As Dexter pointed out we have children, divorce would be hard, there are financial considerations.

 

In the end it is mostly because I think there is something there that may be able to become what it once was...a good marriage. However I think in order to know that you need to put the work in. Go to IC, MC and really be fearless in exploring who you are and what you want. You must know if you are capable of really committing and making the others life any better...if not...it's time to walk.

 

IMO, if you don't out in this work...no point in staying...because denial of emotions will just lead to the same plac again.

[Dexter Morgan]

I can answer from where I am today. The key word is why I'm willing to WORK on staying together...whether it will be the right choice or not is yet to be seen.

 

I do love my wife. As Dexter pointed out we have children, divorce would be hard, there are financial considerations.

 

In the end it is mostly because I think there is something there that may be able to become what it once was...a good marriage.

 

I'm sorry, I just don't see how it is a good marriage when the knowledge is there that one of the spouses got some on the side.

 

I think its safe to say that if a BS did move on with their cheater, that they may get to a point where they don't think about their spouse banging the hell out of another person. But once in a while, even if the marriage seems on the surface that it has recovered, the BS will think about what happened once in a blue moon. I don't see how that is "good" at all. I see it as sentencing your spouse to a life of occasionally envisioning the two of you boning each other.

 

Can a marriage become somewhat normal again? perhaps...but like it was? I don't believe it for a second.

[foreal]

I'm sorry, I just don't see how it is a good marriage when the knowledge is there that one of the spouses got some on the side.

 

I think its safe to say that if a BS did move on with their cheater, that they may get to a point where they don't think about their spouse banging the hell out of another person. But once in a while, even if the marriage seems on the surface that it has recovered, the BS will think about what happened once in a blue moon. I don't see how that is "good" at all. I see it as sentencing your spouse to a life of occasionally envisioning the two of you boning each other.

 

Can a marriage become somewhat normal again? perhaps...but like it was? I don't believe it for a second.

 

Yep. And this is why I am struggling...I want a H who is and always was faithful- I had that for 20 years...I will never have that again.

 

Not with this H anyway.

[ladydesigner]

Yep. And this is why I am struggling...I want a H who is and always was faithful- I had that for 20 years...I will never have that again.

 

Not with this H anyway.

 

I think this is what led to the demise of my marriage. Just knowing I was with a person who was not faithful. Now I feel sort of numb with no feelings one way or another about him or us or his affairs. It is very strange. I also believe these feelings of indifference led to my own affair, no excuse I know.

 

I really want to care about my husband again I just don't know if it is at all possible. I know I don't trust him. Now I don't even trust myself. I thought I was never capable of having an affair until I did. My husband and I have a wonderful partnership in sharing in responsibilities and a great friendship, but trust no we don't have that anymore... and those feelings of REALLY being in love with him...GONE.

[silktricks]

Yep. And this is why I am struggling...I want a H who is and always was faithful- I had that for 20 years...I will never have that again.

 

Not with this H anyway.

 

That part was hard for me --- harder than hard, actually. But I knew that I still loved him, and I slowly grew to realize that he loved me - and was willing to go through anything to prove it to me.

 

I know that there are no guarantees in life. I could leave him and build a new life. Possibly find someone else, but I'm a pretty self-sufficient lady so I also knew I'd be fine alone if necessary. But I knew I loved him. If I left him and met someone else, there would still be no guarantees. No guarantee of fidelity. No guarantee of happiness. No guarantees....

 

So... I could leave - no guarantees. Or I could stay - no guarantees. I may be happier alone or I may be able to rebuild and restore and be happy once again together. I chose the latter. For me, it was a good choice. For him it was a good choice. We are happy. I am happy. He is happy. As a famous lady once said, there are worse things than infidelity. (As long as it only happens once, of course....)

[foreal]

That part was hard for me --- harder than hard, actually. But I knew that I still loved him, and I slowly grew to realize that he loved me - and was willing to go through anything to prove it to me.

 

I know that there are no guarantees in life. I could leave him and build a new life. Possibly find someone else, but I'm a pretty self-sufficient lady so I also knew I'd be fine alone if necessary. But I knew I loved him. If I left him and met someone else, there would still be no guarantees. No guarantee of fidelity. No guarantee of happiness. No guarantees....

 

So... I could leave - no guarantees. Or I could stay - no guarantees. I may be happier alone or I may be able to rebuild and restore and be happy once again together. I chose the latter. For me, it was a good choice. For him it was a good choice. We are happy. I am happy. He is happy. As a famous lady once said, there are worse things than infidelity. (As long as it only happens once, of course....)

 

Thanks Silk...it is always good to hear your POV.

 

I love my H. But I am no longer in love with him. His A killed my 'in love'. I cannot say what I would do IF, but cant help feeling that IF I did not have my son, I would be outta here already..maybe not permanently, but certainly I would have separated from him and taken some time to be on my own. I feel trapped. I've never been in this position before. And I hate it.

[65tr6]

Can a marriage become somewhat normal again? perhaps...but like it was? I don't believe it for a second.

 

if you are aiming for normal marriage again, then you are heading for trouble. Normal marriages are bad. Over 90% of the marriages are normal. The idea is to learn from it, grow from it and ALSO work towards to a great marriage. The key or the emphasis is on YOU first not on the marriage. Marriage follows next.

[bullhunter]

I am just curious as to what some of the answers are. Is it because the AP ended things? You really do love your H or W and think the marriage is worth salvaging...For the kids. What are some of the reasons out there?

 

And also how it has worked out or not worked out.

 

I am just trying to gain some insight.

 

I was a WS. It seems now like it was a different me in a different life. After it was over I wanted to rebuild my marriage and fortunately was able to. Not because the AP ended it as she did not end it. I did. I didn't end it for the kids as they were grown and gone. I ended it because I finally realized what I was doing and what I was going to lose if I continued. It wasn't fear of losing possessions or my standing in the community. I realized I was going to lose my wife if I hadn't already done so. I loved her. I never considered leaving her for the other woman. It was an emotional affair that lasted about 6 months though the build-up to it was about 2 years. I've been through both individual and marriage counseling since the end of it and came to an understanding of most of the causes.

 

I've read with some interest the other thread about the mind of a WS, to see if there was any hint of my experience but there wasn't. I was attracted to the woman of course but it wasn't a physical attraction. I liked her because she showed me her interest in me. She was a friend who was only mine something I didn't have to share. I was important to her and that was important to me.

[jj33]

I think it makes perfect sense that people would give 1000% to working on their marriages. If you decide that after all is said and done, you value the marriage the history and the things that go with it, why wouldnt you? Marriage is about more than love for ones spouse. Maybe some people think its shouldnt be but it is.

 

After all a marrriage is different than most other relationships. You have taken that additional step of sanctifying the relatoinship in front of God and/or friends and family or the law if you simply went to a registry. In any case it was important enough that you wanted to make enter into a binding contract and say the words til death do us part. The fact that there is a high divorce rate doesnt mean a relationship is not worth fighting for and that divorce shouldnt be taken lightly.

 

Its easy to say someone is settling when you are on the outside. But everyone settles in different ways in most aspects of their life. They dont see it as settling but everything is a choice.

 

Making the choice to to work on a marriage is commendable. If someone stays its because they are being true to their values by staying (whether they are based on love, romance reliogion, family or material values) .

 

And I dont think that choice necessarily diminishes the relationship that the WS had with the AP. Most As are never meant to replace the marriage but it doesnt mean that the feelings werent real.

[silktricks]

I think it makes perfect sense that people would give 1000% to working on their marriages. If you decide that after all is said and done, you value the marriage the history and the things that go with it, why wouldnt you? Marriage is about more than love for ones spouse. Maybe some people think its shouldnt be but it is.

 

After all a marrriage is different than most other relationships. You have taken that additional step of sanctifying the relatoinship in front of God and/or friends and family or the law if you simply went to a registry. In any case it was important enough that you wanted to make enter into a binding contract and say the words til death do us part. The fact that there is a high divorce rate doesnt mean a relationship is not worth fighting for and that divorce shouldnt be taken lightly.

 

Its easy to say someone is settling when you are on the outside. But everyone settles in different ways in most aspects of their life. They dont see it as settling but everything is a choice.

 

Making the choice to to work on a marriage is commendable. If someone stays its because they are being true to their values by staying (whether they are based on love, romance reliogion, family or material values) .

 

And I dont think that choice necessarily diminishes the relationship that the WS had with the AP. Most As are never meant to replace the marriage but it doesnt mean that the feelings werent real.

 

You have made assumptions and statements here that are also demeaning at least in my opinion, to those of us who have recovered our marriages after infidelity. Your assumption implies that either I or my husband have "settled". In other words, we have something less than what we should have. I personally find that statement offensive. I didn't "settle". Neither did my husband. We don't live in a relationship that is less than what it could be. In most respects both he and I believe it is quite a bit more than what most marriages or love affairs are.

 

You state that most affairs are not meant to replace the marriage but "it doesn't mean that the feelings weren't real". Well, that's true. But it also doesn't mean that the feelings were real either - at least not for both parties. I fully understand that in my particular case the other woman had strong feelings for my husband. She made it very clear by making our life a living hell for well over a year after he ended the relationship - including incidents even up to 4 and 5 years after the end of it. She had real feelings. But he did not. So, what does that mean? It doesn't lessen her pain, I'm certain, nor does it diminish the feelings she had for him. But her feelings did not equate to reciprocated feelings. His feelings for her were not "real" if by "real feelings" you mean "real love". In fact by the time she finally ended her harassment his "real feelings" equated pretty much to "real disgust".

 

BTW, for me personally, marriage really isn't about anything more than love for my husband. I don't personally give a rats a$$ about society's view, monetary issues, family view or anything else. If I didn't love him, I wouldn't be here. If I wasn't positive he loves me, I wouldn't be here. If you knew my husband, you'd know that his opinions are basically the same as my own. I know that my opinion isn't everyones, nor is my outlook everyones. Some people stay in a marriage for a number of reasons other than love. I do not.

[anne1707]

Can a marriage become somewhat normal again? perhaps...but like it was? I don't believe it for a second.

 

 

I actually think the key to a marriage recovering from an affair is NOT to strive for what it was like before. If you do that, then the marriage is in exactly the same position it was prior to the affair.

 

My H and I have both worked hard on our relationship over the last year following my affair and whilst there can be bad days, these are far less frequent than they were. We have both made a positive choice to be together because we love each other and want to make us work. I know our marriage is still in recovery but I also know that it is stronger and happier now than it has been in years.

[jj33]

Silk I certainly didnt mean to demean marriage or suggest that people are settling.

 

I have great respect and empathy for people who are able to forgive a WS and the hurt that has been caused look past an infidelity and the hurt that has been caused and fight for what is good in the relationship.

 

Obviously you wouldnt do that (in most cases there have been exceptions on this board and certainly in the populatoin in general) unless there was love for the spouse. But love is not the ONLY reason on either side in some cases - just look at the responses of some of the posters. What I was saying was the fact that there are considerations other than pure love for the spouse doesnt taint the decision in my view.

 

Marriage is about many things, love for your spouse, love for hte family unit, shared history etc etc the list goes on. Fighting for all that is not settling in my view.

[silktricks]

Silk I certainly didnt mean to demean marriage or suggest that people are settling.

 

I have great respect and empathy for people who are able to forgive a WS and the hurt that has been caused look past an infidelity and the hurt that has been caused and fight for what is good in the relationship.

 

Obviously you wouldnt do that (in most cases there have been exceptions on this board and certainly in the populatoin in general) unless there was love for the spouse. But love is not the ONLY reason on either side in some cases - just look at the responses of some of the posters. What I was saying was the fact that there are considerations other than pure love for the spouse doesnt taint the decision in my view.

 

Marriage is about many things, love for your spouse, love for hte family unit, shared history etc etc the list goes on. Fighting for all that is not settling in my view.

I'm pretty touchy on the use of the word "settling", as it has been often used on LS in a very demeaning manner regarding those of us who have recovered our marriages post affair. If that wasn't your intent, I'm really glad, and apologize that I took offense where none was meant.

 

Love may not be the reason for all attempts to recover a marriage, of that I am certain. However, I (personally) do not believe that a marriage is truly "recovered" if the recovery is based on anything other than love. Anything else - history, financial affairs, family, etc. do not IMO equate to a recovered marriage, they equate to a comfortable living arrangement - not the same thing at all. But again, that is my opinion.

 

Some people here on LS use the word "settled" with ease when referring to a marriage that goes on after an affair has occurred. The implication is often that the WS would prefer to be with someone other than their partner, but because of history, family, monetary affairs, conscience, religion, standing in the community - the list goes on - they (the WS) has chosen to remain with their spouse. The common thread in those posts is that the WS obviously does not truly love their spouse or they would not have had an affair (whether EA or PA). The addendum to that thread is that the marriage can never again be what it was formerly.

 

Well, I personally agree with the addendum. If the married couple work only to have what the marriage was formerly - when at least one of them and probably both were unhappy - what indeed is the use of remaining together? That's not what we aimed for. We aimed for the love we had long prior to the misery that preceded the affair, and a better, closer and more honest level of communication than either of us had ever been able to provide to each other.

 

I don't know how often an affair occurs because the WS has come to believe their spouse no longer loves them - and anger over that loss, but I do know that at least some of the time that is the underlying reason. So, an affair happens and at some point D-Day arrives. If the WS is then struck between the eyes by the obvious depth of love their partner has - then what? Do you not believe that would have a powerful impact upon the cheater? I do.

[foreal]

I don't know how often an affair occurs because the WS has come to believe their spouse no longer loves them - and anger over that loss, but I do know that at least some of the time that is the underlying reason. So, an affair happens and at some point D-Day arrives. If the WS is then struck between the eyes by the obvious depth of love their partner has - then what? Do you not believe that would have a powerful impact upon the cheater? I do.

 

Whoa- I can't believe I just read that...My H said this to me, that he thought I no longer loved him...and it really made/makes me angry...I have been thinking WTF is THAT supposed to mean? HE thinks I did not love him so he goes and has a R w/ another woman??!! Shouldn't I be`the one then going off having an A?!!

 

He also said he was angry at me b/c I no longer loved him.

 

I have been thinking this is all a bunch of bullshyt...that HE must have been the one who no longer loved me...why else would he have an A?

 

But he keeps insisting he never fell out of love with me, never wanted to end our M, never was in love with OW (although he did admit at one point he thought he may be falling for her, in the beginning, but once he thought about it he said there was just no way he was, that what he "fell'' for was her undivided attention to him, she admired him, EVERYTHING he said and did was golden to her, she 'needed' him too to save her from her H, etc)

 

I thought I was the only one who had a H say they thought their W was the one who no longer loved him...

 

The post on here by BULLHUNTER is the first WS I have seen that sounds like my H, or at least said pretty much what my H has told me.

[Spark1111]

My Ws also thought I no longer loved him as was shocked after DDAy at how much he had hurt me, at how much I loved him because I had fought for him, for us.

 

I can truly say I am the same person today as I was pre-affair. It was his delusional thinking that skewed his perception of his life and his relationships, that distanced him from me, friends and family members.

 

I would settle for nothing less than a fabulous relationship. I do not have to. Kids are grown, they love and respect both of us, and I make enough money to support myself, if need be.

 

I am a very proud person, but likable, with many friends.

 

No one can believe this happened to me, or that this happened to "us."Me, least of all.

 

I believed the hype; that we would live happily ever after without this nonsense. My pride took a big hit. I am not perfect, but I didn't deserve this. On that, everyone agrees.

 

I take one day at a time in the relationship. Maybe that is no way to live, but I don't see any other option. As long as it is wonderful, as long as he is wonderful, I stay.

 

But I do believe that I will forever resent, not the affair, not the developing of feelings for another when he had turned away from me --but the lies.

 

How could someone look you in the eye who professes to love you and lie to them??? It speaks volumes to a weaker, less evolved human being.

 

I can't/won't settle for less. Never again. No matter what. Now I examine WHY I love/have loved, have sacrificed for such a person? And it is natural to wonder if there is another out there more DESERVING of my love and devotion.

 

That can be a scary place to be. And it makes settling on any level, almost impossible.

[silktricks]

We've kinda jacked this thread, but I'm going to go with it anyway...

 

Whoa- I can't believe I just read that...My H said this to me, that he thought I no longer loved him...and it really made/makes me angry...I have been thinking WTF is THAT supposed to mean? HE thinks I did not love him so he goes and has a R w/ another woman??!! Shouldn't I be`the one then going off having an A?!!

 

He also said he was angry at me b/c I no longer loved him.

 

I have been thinking this is all a bunch of bullshyt...that HE must have been the one who no longer loved me...why else would he have an A?

 

When my husband first said this to me, you could have knocked me over with a frickin' feather... I told him constantly how much I loved him, and he had frankly been treating me like total sh*t. It took an awfully lot of communication and introspection on my part to begin to realize what it was that we had lost in communication. At first I thought "yeah, right... this is just a load of bs to put the "blame" on me." But as we continued, I realized that he really wasn't blaming me, he was attempting to explain himself and where he was at. He wasn't doing the "if you hadn't done this, I wouldn't have done that" thing... he was explaining (after he had finally figured it out himself) that he was in pain.

 

like Spark said:

My Ws also thought I no longer loved him as was shocked after DDAy at how much he had hurt me, at how much I loved him because I had fought for him, for us.

 

I can truly say I am the same person today as I was pre-affair. It was his delusional thinking that skewed his perception of his life and his relationships, that distanced him from me, friends and family members.

 

My husband was really messed up. It took a lot of therapy, a lot of discussion, a lot of thought on both of our parts to come to a full realization of how far we had both strayed from what was in the best interests of our relationship.

 

My husband truly expected me to walk. When he started to cry while telling me what he had done, he was amazed that I started to comfort him.. (and to be honest, so was I... )..

 

But, like Spark, I'm the same person now that I was before... as is my husband. It's just that we understand each other better now, and don't make assumptions about the other person. Instead, we talk.

 

But I do believe that I will forever resent, not the affair, not the developing of feelings for another when he had turned away from me --but the lies.

 

How could someone look you in the eye who professes to love you and lie to them??? It speaks volumes to a weaker, less evolved human being.

 

Spark, can you honestly say you have never lied to your husband?? Honestly...??? If so, that's really really great. Unfortunately, I cannot. Is it on the same scale? Well, I (of course) would like to say no... they were little lies.. lies of omission, or something I knew that would bother him that was no big thing (at least in my opinion). Yet, I love my husband. Deeply -- and I was willing to lie to him about what I considered to be unimportant, but I knew would either hurt him, or upset him. Maybe about one of the kids, maybe about something at work... but something that I considered to be insignificant. But still, when push comes to shove - I lied. Do I consider it to be on the same scale? Well - no. Does he? Also no. But nonetheless, most of us do lie, even to those we love the most - or maybe especially to those we love the most - because we want or need to do something or feel something or hide something that we know will make them unhappy.

 

My husband wanted to feel wanted and special and important. I hadn't made him feel that way for a period of time. The other woman did that for him. Did that mean I was a bad person? No, it didn't. I was depressed. He was depressed. Major depressed... where we really needed to be getting medication depressed - and neither of us were dealing with it. Unfortunately, what he did in his attempt to deal with his depression, and what I did in my attempt to deal with mine only made both of us much worse. To the point where we both individually and as a couple seriously considered suicide. Fortunately, we got past that point, dealt with the true root of our problems and are much happier people now... both individually and together.

[Dexter Morgan]

I actually think the key to a marriage recovering from an affair is NOT to strive for what it was like before. If you do that, then the marriage is in exactly the same position it was prior to the affair.

 

I agree. But anyone that thinks it can be better, when one of the spouses will be thinking of the betrayal now and then, and not trusting their spouse completely it nuts.

 

If I would have stayed with a cheating wife, and lets say she never cheated again, ok....thats the minimum that needs to happen. And lets say life goes on, sex is good, blah blah blah, and it "seems" better than before.....there would be a time here and there where she would be gone and I would wonder. There'd be time where I'd think about her and another guy. And THAT would lead me to know that the marriage isn't better....just different. And why would I want to settle for a life of wondering what its like to have someone who is faithful to me?

[foreal]

"Love is like a cigar. If it goes out, you can relight it, but it never tastes quite the same."

[Spark1111]

"Love is like a cigar. If it goes out, you can relight it, but it never tastes quite the same."

 

Love it! And you always know where you stand with Dexter, a man of strong convictions. It's refreshing.

[Spark1111]

We've kinda jacked this thread, but I'm going to go with it anyway...

 

 

 

When my husband first said this to me, you could have knocked me over with a frickin' feather... I told him constantly how much I loved him, and he had frankly been treating me like total sh*t. It took an awfully lot of communication and introspection on my part to begin to realize what it was that we had lost in communication. At first I thought "yeah, right... this is just a load of bs to put the "blame" on me." But as we continued, I realized that he really wasn't blaming me, he was attempting to explain himself and where he was at. He wasn't doing the "if you hadn't done this, I wouldn't have done that" thing... he was explaining (after he had finally figured it out himself) that he was in pain.

 

like Spark said:

 

My husband was really messed up. It took a lot of therapy, a lot of discussion, a lot of thought on both of our parts to come to a full realization of how far we had both strayed from what was in the best interests of our relationship.

 

My husband truly expected me to walk. When he started to cry while telling me what he had done, he was amazed that I started to comfort him.. (and to be honest, so was I... )..

 

But, like Spark, I'm the same person now that I was before... as is my husband. It's just that we understand each other better now, and don't make assumptions about the other person. Instead, we talk.

 

 

 

Spark, can you honestly say you have never lied to your husband?? Honestly...??? If so, that's really really great. Unfortunately, I cannot. Is it on the same scale? Well, I (of course) would like to say no... they were little lies.. lies of omission, or something I knew that would bother him that was no big thing (at least in my opinion). Yet, I love my husband. Deeply -- and I was willing to lie to him about what I considered to be unimportant, but I knew would either hurt him, or upset him. Maybe about one of the kids, maybe about something at work... but something that I considered to be insignificant. But still, when push comes to shove - I lied. Do I consider it to be on the same scale? Well - no. Does he? Also no. But nonetheless, most of us do lie, even to those we love the most - or maybe especially to those we love the most - because we want or need to do something or feel something or hide something that we know will make them unhappy.

 

My husband wanted to feel wanted and special and important. I hadn't made him feel that way for a period of time. The other woman did that for him. Did that mean I was a bad person? No, it didn't. I was depressed. He was depressed. Major depressed... where we really needed to be getting medication depressed - and neither of us were dealing with it. Unfortunately, what he did in his attempt to deal with his depression, and what I did in my attempt to deal with mine only made both of us much worse. To the point where we both individually and as a couple seriously considered suicide. Fortunately, we got past that point, dealt with the true root of our problems and are much happier people now... both individually and together.

 

So true, silk.

 

We had been through a rough patch and he grew remote and depressed. He was in pain and I began to spare him any and all little details that would/could upset him.

 

I never do that anymore.

 

But I too, needed someone to make me feel important, valued and cherished. I turned, unsuccessfully toward him. He was emotionally unavailable, as he had been for a very long time.

 

I begged to go to counseling. He refused.

 

When I found out it was because he had turned toward another, for 18 months!, my devastation was complete.

 

I have stated that I am amazed I, too, DID NOT have an affair, or develop feelings. for someone else who could have made me feel important at that time.

 

I just do not get the lying and deception.

[silktricks]

I just do not get the lying and deception.

 

Are you sure you aren't me???

 

The lying thing... in relationship to what our H's did, the lies I told seem small, but really in retrospect, they weren't. The tore at the fabric of our relationship in exactly the same manner that his did.

 

He told me later - after the fact, obviously, that at the beginning it seemed like such a little thing. He was just kinda being friendly/flirty with a woman at xxxx and she was friendly/flirty back. Then they started chatting and developed a bit of a friendship. He'd see her once or twice a week, but only at the place where she worked. She had a boyfriend, my husband was married - he (my husband) wasn't concerned, but she obviously liked him, he liked feeling liked, and he felt somewhat protective of her as she seemed to be not terribly smart. Then she moved away and she asked if he'd be willing to keep in touch... Anyway, one thing led to another. When he finally realized he'd been scammed by a master he broke it off, but by then he'd been lying to me, lying to himself and lying to her for quite some time.... by that time she had "broken up" with the boyfriend who never existed, come back to town to visit a number of times and was proceeding with telling him her plans for them to be together....

 

So even for him (and probably for your husband as well) it started as a little lie of omission about something that seemed innocuous. By the time it wasn't innocuous, it had also grown in importance to the point that he didn't want it to end. If he told me, it would. And so the little lies grew into big ones.

 

It actually took me a long time to realize that there wasn't a whole lot of difference between what he did and what I did to damage our relationship... it was only a matter of degree. Coming to that realization was pretty much what allowed me to let everything go.

[Snowflower]

 

I don't know how often an affair occurs because the WS has come to believe their spouse no longer loves them - and anger over that loss, but I do know that at least some of the time that is the underlying reason. So, an affair happens and at some point D-Day arrives. If the WS is then struck between the eyes by the obvious depth of love their partner has - then what? Do you not believe that would have a powerful impact upon the cheater? I do.

 

I'm coming in a little late to this thread but I have been reading it this morning with interest.

 

SK, what you mention above sounds so like my situation. My husband said that the fact he thought that I didn't love him was the most compelling reason he found himself somewhat attracted to the OW. When he first told me that he thought I didn't love him (long before I found out about his A), I couldn't figure out why he would even think such a thing. Later, after d-day, I thought he was using the 'you didn't love me' as an excuse or justification for having an affair.

 

Later though, as we have worked through things, my husband really felt and still feels that I did not truly love him before. And the scary thing is...he is exactly right, I didn't love him...not in that way. It was a failure of our relationship at that point. My husband wasn't just saying that he thought I didn't love him-he really and truly believed it and maintains that belief to this day.

 

Long story short and I have posted a lot of it here in other threads, my husband's affair made him and me realize each in our own way and on our timeframes, what we meant to each other and what our marriage meant. It is so backward and weird sounding, but the crisis of his affair made us find our marriage.

 

I agree with you SK, that without love, my marital recovery would have been pointless. My husband and I stayed together because we loved each other and wanted to be together. There was no settling for either of us.

 

In fact, if his affair had not happened and we hadn't discovered what we really had in our marriage, we would have been 'settling' at that point. We would have had one of those so-called 'companionate' marriages--steady, comfortable and uneventful but I wonder in 40 years what exactly we would have had. Sure, there would have been fidelity between us, but not much else. Sometimes, I wonder how much longer my marriage, if the affair hadn't happened. would have lasted...the distance and conflict was becoming so significant between my husband and me.

 

I hate the fact that infidelity touched my marriage but I can't regret what the outcome is. I wouldn't trade the marriage I have now with my husband for anything in the world. My pre-affair marriage left a lot to be desired.

[Devil Inside]

 

I hate the fact that infidelity touched my marriage but I can't regret what the outcome is. I wouldn't trade the marriage I have now with my husband for anything in the world. My pre-affair marriage left a lot to be desired.

 

I hope that I can say this at the end of my journey...I really do.

[2sure]

Question for WS.

 

I sometimes, when I'm weak , feel that my husband via his infidelities has broken me. Changed me as a person of course, but also broke me as in I'm not sure I can ever be capable of having a loving & trusting relationship again. I feel like he broke me and that sure its up to me to fix myself in whatever fashion I can to be healthy but....

 

He broke it, he bought it. As in, and I know this sounds bad but...I feel like he should bare some of the responsibility for this change for as long as we both shall live. Gross huh? Not in a " I want to punish him for the rest of his life way"...but in a " I have nothing to offer anyone else anymore way". I have explained myself?