Sarita12385 Posted September 10, 2009 Posted September 10, 2009 Hi all. I really need some help with this one. Today the mother-in-law pushed me to my limit and I just couldn't help but finally cry about it. My husband and I have a son, he is 2 1/2 months old. Our household consists of just the 3 of us (and the cat). My sister-in-law just had her 2nd child about 2 weeks after my son was born, so they're very close in age. My MIL is the primary care taker of both my son and my nephew. Before I returned to work, I was able to spend the first 2 months of my son's life with him at home. During this time, it was just the 2 of us every day, meaning not much noise. At my sister-in-law's house on the other hand, there is: her, the MIL, FIL, brother-in-law, and great grandma, and my 4 year old neice, all under 1 roof. Noise CONSTANTLY. My SIL works 3 days a week. The days she is at work, we take our son to the MIL's house since she needs to watch both babies plus my neice. The days the SIL doens't work, my MIL comes to OUR house to just watch our son. Now, the issue I'm having is that every day, I call to check on my son. Usually around 10am, then again around 2pm. We will just refer to the babies as Baby A (my son) and Baby B (SIL's son). Every time I call it's the same thing: "Baby A does not want to sleep, he is so fussy, but Baby B...Baby B is just fine, he doesn't really cry much. Maybe you should ask the doctor why he's so fussy. Baby A didn't poop today, maybe something is wrong. Oh and also, Baby A won't seem to sleep unless he's being rocked. You shouldn't teach him that. He needs to be able to entertain himself. As soon as I put him down he cries. Baby A threw up (not projectile vomiting, just spitting up), but Baby B never spits up like that...maybe something is wrong with Baby A. Why don't you ask the doctor. Oh an Baby A needs to get used to the noise, he doesn't like sleeping here cause of noise..." etc... Basically I feel like I've got this baby who is so far from the norm...it just drives me into a hole. So what if he doesn't poop every day? I was told by his doctor that as long as he has a dirty diaper within 3 days he's fine. He has no temperature. Yes, he can be fussy, but he sleeps at night time like an angel. I only have to get up once, maybe twice, to feed him. And no, he doesn't sleep well with noise because at our house, we don't have half of the family there, it's just the 3 of us. Now my husband is hooked to think something is very wrong with our son since he is fussy and this and that.... Does it really sound like my son has so many problems? I feel we are blessed to have a child who was born with all toes and fingers, etc. I feel that things could be much worse. And our son is also a "grunter", he sounds like he has a stuffy nose, but we were assured by his doctor that a lot of babies are like that, and that salin drops can help. It doesn't mean he's suffering from some traumatic illness...it's just so stressful! I feel obligated to keep my mouth shut because she's taking care of my son every day, saving us a lot of money and stress with sending him to daycare...but c'mon! Is it me? Honestly? I can take the pressure if it is me, but I just don't know how to deal with this inner family conflict...
2sure Posted September 10, 2009 Posted September 10, 2009 Do you know for sure that your MIL is taking great care of your baby? Do you know for sure that she loves him, that he is receiving care and love regardless of what she thinks of either him or you? If the answers to those questions are YES. Then dont worry about the comparisons , the criticisms, the comments. They hurt, they aggravate..but your son is receiving good familial care and thats what counts. Babies change - next month it might be baby B that is giving her more difficulty and maybe you will hear about that. Or, maybe your MIL has an issue with you...so what? As to is your son unusual? No. Babies cry, puke, and poop. Some do it more than others. An "easy" baby is a blessing when you are tired but it doesnt mean ANYTHING. Easy baby, crying baby. Luck. Ask anyone with several children all raised the same. But hey - your MIL is an experienced parent. If she raises questions regarding your son's health - ask your pediatrician. Parenting is nothing if not humbling.
GorillaTheater Posted September 10, 2009 Posted September 10, 2009 2sure's right, your baby is fine. We've had easy babies, and we've had babies that were beyond stressful. All within normal ranges. It may well be due to my relationship with my MiL, which is pretty strained, but when I read your post I wondered if the observations offered by your MiL weren't some kind of cloaked criticisms/attacks on you. How is your relationship with her otherwise?
Author Sarita12385 Posted September 10, 2009 Author Posted September 10, 2009 It's not bad. She's a very good person at heart, I know that. She loves everyone in the family to death. I feel very overwhelmed though when I am with her for an extended period of time. She doesn't know how to relax, she always has to find work around the house in some way. Always. Even if I have a window open and the baby is near the window, she gets so worked up over it thinking the baby will get an ear infection or get sick if he gets brushed with wind.....I just get this "I want to bang my head off a wall" feeling, which sounds absolutely horrible, I know... I bite my lip 99% of the time and shrug it off. The sad part is that I can't talk to my husband about it really cause it's his mother, and he is very close to her.
2sure Posted September 10, 2009 Posted September 10, 2009 Mother in Laws...like so many things in life, can be something that you just have to get used to. She isnt "bad" she just bugs you. A lot. To tears. That nervous energy schtick would make me crazy too. You know how it goes...you cant change people, only your reaction to them? True, true. Good news though - you are a new parent and just now learning how to not sweat the small stuff. It wont bother you forever. You will gain confidence in your own skills and be able to smile graciously and say "We have health insurance" as you open the window over baby's head that she has just shut.
GorillaTheater Posted September 10, 2009 Posted September 10, 2009 Okay, sounds like her comments aren't meant as a reflection on you, but rather a part of her apparently intense, perhaps somewhat "alarmist" personality. I'd probably only be up for small doses of that, myself. But at least your baby's fine.
Thornton Posted September 10, 2009 Posted September 10, 2009 How is your relationship with your MiL? Does she get on better with your SiL than with you? Does she get on ok with all of her children? I know that my grandmother always preferred her first husband to her second, which meant she also preferred my father to his half-brother, so by extension she preferred me to my cousin. She would make comments about my cousin not being as good as me, not as pretty or as clever etc, and it was mostly related to her feelings about her husbands and sons rather than any feelings about my cousin and I.
Author Sarita12385 Posted September 10, 2009 Author Posted September 10, 2009 Thank you both for the replies. 2sure, thanks for the laugh. The health insurance bit did me good. I may need to borrow that one
Meaplus3 Posted September 10, 2009 Posted September 10, 2009 Well as a Mother of 3, I can tell you that each of my three were very different as babies. As long as your doctor has given the baby a clean bill of health then honestly there is no need for you to worry. If by chance the baby starts falling back on milestones, then simply bring that up with your doctor and have the baby checked out. I'm sure your little one is just fine. Mea:)
silverfish Posted September 10, 2009 Posted September 10, 2009 I'd say also, babies, like people have different personalities. Your baby likes quiet, peace, and close comforting attention. Maybe the other baby likes the noise, lots of people, stimulation etc. My first NEVER slept in his pushchair, my second would sleep next to the CD player playing music, in his pushchair, for hours and hours. Also, sometimes formula makes babies constipated - do you make it up yourself to take along if you're not still breast feeding? If not, maybe check shes doing it correctly? My ex MIL used to put a bit 'extra' in because my 1st boy seemed hungry (he cried a lot) and this made him constipated - they don't know everything !
KikiW Posted September 23, 2009 Posted September 23, 2009 Is there any way you can try an alternative environment for a few days to see what the reaction is? If you know someone who has a quieter household, and see if he reacts the same way? I dont thinks he's abnormal, but he may just be very sensitive to all the stimulation and get cranky from it.
melodymatters Posted September 23, 2009 Posted September 23, 2009 Jeepers creepers, we are talking about an under 3 month old baby ! They are insane little creatures and change constantly. I would have NO worries that there was a problem with my baby. AND, it's not going to be any quieter at a public day care, so the baby WILL adjust. Friends have had babies wth colic, and THATS a drag ( though said babies are wonderful, healthy, smart kids now) Gee, a new baby that fusses and spits up, what horrors ?!? So as for advice : You need to let your husband know that this is completely normal and there is nothing to worry about. You need to let your MIL know the same AND ask her to please not compare the babies as it makes you feel badly, and as someone pointed out, babies change so much and go through so many stages ! I had a cousin nicknamed Breeze, because he was such an easy baby : turned out he was disabled. Babies cry. Babies spit up. Babies like to be held. BFD !!!
sb129 Posted September 25, 2009 Posted September 25, 2009 Ahhh MILs. The joys. Whoever said they don't know everything is right- and things have changed since they brought up their kids. Although babies in general have probably stayed the same! I am about to have a baby, and several of my close friends have had babies this year- every one is different and ours will probably be different again. 2.5 months is still pretty small, and your baby is probably still getting used to the change in routine from when it was just you guys at home.
sb129 Posted September 25, 2009 Posted September 25, 2009 PS was going to say- my MIL has been full of little "pearls" of wisdom through my pregnancy and they already compare all the other grandchildren as to "who did what first", etc etc I have been judged and criticised for planning to go back to work after 4 months...... Am getting ALOT of practice at saying "oh really, well thats interesting and thanks for mentioning it, I will have a think about that"
Peaceful Guy Posted October 28, 2009 Posted October 28, 2009 you spoke to the doctor about all the issues. that's really good. if the doctor said its normal i would trust that, and if you're really worried you could get a second opinion. that in mind, any thought of criticizing a baby is really really funny, if that's actually whats happening. "he's just not as aware of current events as baby 1.."
Author Sarita12385 Posted October 29, 2009 Author Posted October 29, 2009 Just following up. Thanks a TON for the many replies, very much appreciated. Deen, my son, just turned 4 months this past Tuesday. He's sleeping through the entire night now. The spitting up has gotten a LITTLE better, but he still spits up if he gets super after immediately after downing 6 oz, but the doc says all is well - which is the most important! I've gotten EXTREMELY good at the "smile and nod" routine. The MIL is still a bit pushy at times, but I think she gets the hint that no matter how many times she suggests me doing something her way, I'm gonna stick to my own ways. Deen still acts completely different when he's @ home w/us. He's never fussy, takes excellent naps, etc. He's just not a fan of excessive noise. Thank you all again for the replies
Lostgurl Posted October 29, 2009 Posted October 29, 2009 Hi all. I really need some help with this one. Today the mother-in-law pushed me to my limit and I just couldn't help but finally cry about it. My husband and I have a son, he is 2 1/2 months old. Our household consists of just the 3 of us (and the cat). My sister-in-law just had her 2nd child about 2 weeks after my son was born, so they're very close in age. My MIL is the primary care taker of both my son and my nephew. Before I returned to work, I was able to spend the first 2 months of my son's life with him at home. During this time, it was just the 2 of us every day, meaning not much noise. At my sister-in-law's house on the other hand, there is: her, the MIL, FIL, brother-in-law, and great grandma, and my 4 year old neice, all under 1 roof. Noise CONSTANTLY. My SIL works 3 days a week. The days she is at work, we take our son to the MIL's house since she needs to watch both babies plus my neice. The days the SIL doens't work, my MIL comes to OUR house to just watch our son. Now, the issue I'm having is that every day, I call to check on my son. Usually around 10am, then again around 2pm. We will just refer to the babies as Baby A (my son) and Baby B (SIL's son). Every time I call it's the same thing: "Baby A does not want to sleep, he is so fussy, but Baby B...Baby B is just fine, he doesn't really cry much. Maybe you should ask the doctor why he's so fussy. Baby A didn't poop today, maybe something is wrong. Oh and also, Baby A won't seem to sleep unless he's being rocked. You shouldn't teach him that. He needs to be able to entertain himself. As soon as I put him down he cries. Baby A threw up (not projectile vomiting, just spitting up), but Baby B never spits up like that...maybe something is wrong with Baby A. Why don't you ask the doctor. Oh an Baby A needs to get used to the noise, he doesn't like sleeping here cause of noise..." etc... Basically I feel like I've got this baby who is so far from the norm...it just drives me into a hole. So what if he doesn't poop every day? I was told by his doctor that as long as he has a dirty diaper within 3 days he's fine. He has no temperature. Yes, he can be fussy, but he sleeps at night time like an angel. I only have to get up once, maybe twice, to feed him. And no, he doesn't sleep well with noise because at our house, we don't have half of the family there, it's just the 3 of us. Now my husband is hooked to think something is very wrong with our son since he is fussy and this and that.... Does it really sound like my son has so many problems? I feel we are blessed to have a child who was born with all toes and fingers, etc. I feel that things could be much worse. And our son is also a "grunter", he sounds like he has a stuffy nose, but we were assured by his doctor that a lot of babies are like that, and that salin drops can help. It doesn't mean he's suffering from some traumatic illness...it's just so stressful! I feel obligated to keep my mouth shut because she's taking care of my son every day, saving us a lot of money and stress with sending him to daycare...but c'mon! Is it me? Honestly? I can take the pressure if it is me, but I just don't know how to deal with this inner family conflict... You baby sounds just fine . Your mother in law sounds like a typicial nittpicking MIL. Just try not to let it get you so down. Ignore her comments as best you can. Maybe you can help with the napping at her house. My bestfriends mother told me to play soft music when putting my first newborn to sleep. It helps the baby to learn to be a heavy sleeper, which is nice. I tried it, and sure enough my eldest sleeps like me, like the dead. It would ease a little of the pressure that your MIL is throwing you, which will lighten your stress level.
Miss Clavel Posted November 4, 2009 Posted November 4, 2009 maybe your MIL can put the babies down and play some soft classical music in the background. my dd could sleep thru a marching band, because we wanted it that way, we have a big family. tell your MIL that classical music has been shown to improve math skills later in life. good luck, you're doing great. and remember, soon your son will be able to talk and tell grandma what he wants. and he will repeat everything you say to everyone and at the worst possible time.
Boundary Problem Posted November 9, 2009 Posted November 9, 2009 I've gotten EXTREMELY good at the "smile and nod" routine. The MIL is still a bit pushy at times, but I think she gets the hint that no matter how many times she suggests me doing something her way, I'm gonna stick to my own ways. Good for you. Being able to take a difficult personality on next-to-no sleep is something to be proud of. Is your mother-in-law a hypochondriac? My MIL is. If she had her way my son would be going to the dr once a week (just like she does). The only advice I have is I listen for about one minute and then I nod (having pretended to care what she was saying) and then I said firmly "No I'm not taking to the dr" and TRY to shoo her out the door. Very very difficult woman. She clips articles from newspaper with 'sky is falling' health issues for kids. It comes from a place of love. But you can see how a hypochondriac could really make a healthy child sick - if they were allowed to be in charge. Good luck - sounds like you are handling it perfectly and your son sounds just fine.
fooled once Posted November 14, 2009 Posted November 14, 2009 Your MIL sounds very pushy. And if you don't put your foot down NOW, it is only going to get worse as your son gets older. I am not saying be mean or anything, but you get to raise YOUR son like YOU want; like how someone else decides. As for a baby needing quiet to sleep - worse thing you can do Babies should be exposed to noise and should learn to sleep through it because you never know where you might be one day at nap time and one of the best things you can do for your son is to help teach him to sleep anywhere. Best of luck and if your MIL gets any pushier, you might want to enroll him into a daycare center or find another sitter. YOUR sanity is worth its weight in gold.
NowhereToHide Posted November 14, 2009 Posted November 14, 2009 I didn't have my daughter in daycare, but I will say that I had a similar situation with my mother-in-law but instead of me having the fussy baby, it was my husband's sister who did. I basically had an angel baby, slept like a rock, fed on schedule, was happy, just really easy. My SIL had the fussy baby.. poor thing would lose it if a soft breeze blew on him. I know my MIL was very worried about him and couldn't help but compare him to my child. It's just the nature of raising babies... you don't KNOW what to expect, so you gravitate to whatever "norm" you can find. Every baby is different. Every one of them has a different demeanor. Your baby is fine. Try not to worry.
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