IFFWS, if NC is broken, what do you fear????

[NoIDidn't]

I need some clarification.

 

Two years out and you asked him the question and he said he was scared of both situations?

 

Or did you ask him at d-day or within the two years, as in not recently, and he said that?

 

I have to ask because my opinion would differ depending on how long ago you received his answer and made your ultimatum.

 

Initially I demanded NC except for when it couldn't be helped for work (they worked together), but she kept cornering him whenever he was in her building to talk. I received phone calls from his co-workers that knew about things before he would say anything. I would ask him about contact, and he would tell me what happened. I couldn't blame him for her behavior.

 

So I relaxed my demand for NC. I realized, much like what Pheonix said, that I can't control his actions and if he cheated again with her or someone else, I would survive. I'd hurt like hell, but I would rise above it eventually.

 

I hate to see you feeling this way Spark. Is there anyone IRL that you can really talk to about this? It seems to be eating you alive. I'm so sorry. (((Spark)))

[65tr6]

Do I really want my H if I have to threaten him to make him stay faithful? .

 

Don't live your life or you marriage afraid of what he will do. .

 

Spark, I agree with the above statements. Living in fear or giving ultimatims will never work. They could only back fire.

 

That does not mean you don't define your boundaries. See the difference ?

[65tr6]

just wanted to add that your husband must understand how much he has hurt you. I am sure he does, otherwise you would not be recovering with him right ? And ofcourse clearly knows what the boundaries are.

 

Back to your question, what if NC is broken, I believe every BS should be prepared with Plan B. If the NC is broken, then implement Plan B. Remember how devastating d-day was ? You don't want to be in that situation ever again. Take strength from the fact that you survived that devastation. You learnt from it, you know what you are capable of. Prepare yourself for the worst but continue to work for the best. If the worst never happens, that's great but if it does then you know you are prepared.

[jj33]

Spark this is another control trigger for you. And it is out of your hands.

 

Its normal that you would not want them to work together. And his concerns could be manifold. It sounds like he does still harbor feelings for her. That is the real problem. That cant be cured by keeping them apart. It hasnt cured things in the 2 years since the A ended. I feel for you. To know that he still has some ambiguity in his mind after all this time must be very painful.

 

But at the same time it could be very awkward for them to work together and that could be a concern. Most people who have been in NC would not want to work with an ex AP. And the fact that it concerns him is a good sign. He may have residual feelings but he doesnt want to be in close contact with her (assuming he is not telling you what you want to hear).

 

If he goes to HR he should NOT come clean about the affair. Everyone here seems to be h*ll bent on involving police and HR in all sorts of things when its not in the OPs best interest.

 

He should simply say that he wants to know who he would be working with on the project. If he goes to HR he should say she is great at her job but he would prefer to work with someone else. They can read between the lines. WHY admit to something like that - are you sure its not a violation of company policy that could cause him to lose his job or negatively influence his performance appraisal?

 

Ive said it a million times but HR is not YOUR friend. HR is there for the company and people who come to HR with things like this do it at their peril.

 

You need to get to a point where you trust him and he trusts himself no matter WHO is in front of him naked. You arent there yet.

[Spark1111]

Thanks all.

 

I certainly felt as if I enforced boundaries should there be an accidental or intentional contact in the future on the job.

 

I think he fears not only my reaction, but her's too. She was/is a volatile drama queen and he strung her along with IMPLIED promises of a future.

 

He has admitted he did care for her and that he hurt her too with his lies.

 

I would never go to HR as I too am a supervisor in a very conservative work environment, as is he.

 

I KNOW they will protect the company's a##, first and foremost. I've seen it first hand, over and over again at the workplace. EVERYONE gets thrown under the bus.

 

He swears he's in love with the better woman....ME.

 

Is that enough? I long for the day this is all in the distant past and I can live without insecurity.

 

Jeez, I love this man, but is he worth it??? Is anyone worth this insecurity?

 

I admire all of you who seem so sure about your future reactions, should your WS bump into their OW/OM.

 

I am not there yet, I guess.