Ex wants to be friendly, don't know how to behave

[Casadiego]

Hello everybody. This is my first post here, it's nice to meet you all

 

Well, you see, the situation is as follows: I was with a girl for 1.5 years. Before her I hadn't had anything meaningful... but then again, I met her when I was 18. She was pretty; she found me pretty; she was a good talk, different from everything I had known 'till then... I was blown away. She, however, wasn't too impressed... I think. I was a bit careless with my outward appearance, I come from a region of the country that's always been a bit misunderstood (I'm not American, btw. I don't what to get into specifics, but let's just say I speak Spanish with an accent and use weird words) and I didn't have the same socioeconomic standing as her (she's very wealthy).

 

In the beginning it was nice and dandy, but it went sour really quickly. Not only wasn't I a real catch (or too interesting... to her eyes), I was incredibly insecure and I depended too much on her. These were my flaws; I could explain you why, but the point would still stand. In retrospective, I must say that she SHOULD have handled things differently, maybe by dumping me when she saw I wasn't confident and that I was a bit annoying. Saying this is a bit pointless, though, because, had she done that, I wouldn't be where I am today. So, actually, there are no regrets.

 

But, anyways... she was very cruel with me. She kept pointing out my mistakes, my imperfections, and the things she didn't like; she hated my friends and took slow, subtle action to make me grow distant with them. She hated my father, and could barely stand my mother. She hated the place of the city where I lived (and continue to live). She constantly made it clear to me that she didn't really like many, many things I represented. Why did I stay with her? Oh, you know why: I loved her more than I loved me. It's sad, and yet, it's true.

 

Eventually it was a little bit too much. We stopped having sex and she'd flinch when I touched her, and would always complain about something. She became crazy jealous... she wouldn't go to my place because "she couldn't stand seeing my father" (who is almost never there, anyways...). She would refuse to go out with my friends because she found them boring. And she criticized me if I went out with them.

 

And yet she said she loved me. She bought me a cat (whom I love with a passion).

 

The break point was after my birthday. My first birthday with her had been a disaster; for this one I wanted to be with my family and closest (CLOSEST) friends. She thought it was boring, she didn't want to go to my aunt's (where I was going to be), she said she could be somewhere else doing something more fun... it wasn't pretty, I tell you. Afterwards her jealousy became too much and I quit.

 

She wasn't expecting it. That much I know.

 

Breaking up with her has helped me out a lot. A LOT. However, it wasn't nice: a week after we broke up, she got involved with some other guy whom she knew way before our break up (he studies with her). She'd talk about him all the time, but I didn't think much of it. Heck, 'twas her friend, no? Well, what do you know... I found out about their hook up because my Facebook feed began flooding with messages she'd write to her best friend:

 

"Oh, you won't believe it! I've never felt this way! It's incredible, you can't imagine! you can't imagine!"

 

Her best friend would respond:

 

"Sheeesh! Everybody's gonna find out!"

 

and she'd continue. Eventually, she put on a "personal message" that said "You make me feel like a rockstar, baby" in both MSN Messenger and Facebook. I had tried to ignore all of this, but I broke. I talked to her (virtually, I'm glad...) and asked if she was with someone else. That's when I found out; that's when I told that it hurt that she was with somebody else so quickly; but that I somehow tried to understand. But that I couldn't believe what she was doing, because it seemed to be an old-fashioned rubbing-it-in-your-face sort of thing. She said it wasn't that, because she no longer cared about me, because I was a memory, something that didn't matter anymore, and because it really didn't matter to her if I felt good, bad, both, etc.

 

I understood. I blocked her in MSN and in Facebook. I planned to disappear. When I saw her in University, I'd just walk by (chin always up, though. I became really proud).

 

Eventually, she began writing to me. First, she wanted to know how the cat was doing. Then, she began telling me in very subtle ways about her beautiful life. Then, she began to ask why I wouldn't write to her, why I didn't say hi when I saw her ("When did I see you?" I'd often think, though sometimes I did know ) and why I couldn't be happy for her. This, in particular, incensed me. "Why aren't you happy for me? If you were happy, I'd be glad" she told me once. I got pissed off, wrote her a letter telling her that I found her pretentious and that she should leave me alone.

 

She didn't. She kept at it. I became cold and distant and eventually, she calmed down.

 

Classes began. I had a class with her and I did what I thought best: I ignored her. I'd get in, sit, get out and never look her way. NEVER. It wasn't that I was avoiding eye contact; I don't how to explain this, but let's just say that I never looked the other way, or the floor, or anything. I just looked forward, and shut off anything other than my destination. That's how I managed to ignore without looking awkward (I think).

 

A month later, she wrote. "I don't understand your attitude. For how long are you going be like that?". My attitude... what the hell is wrong with her? Five day laters, I calmed down, and re-added her to MSN. I thought: "Heck, we don't have to be friends, but maybe I should tell her everything's allright. That way, I can behave however I want, and that'll be that". So that's what I did; she said that it hurt that I was so indifferent to her, that I ignored her... that she wanted to have a normal relationship with me. I said: "Ok". The following day, I bumped into her and her boyfriend and I smiled and said hi. It was something that just came from within. I didn't plan it: I saw her, and the smile just appeared on my face.

 

I'm over her. Maybe you're thinking I'm not, but I am. The point is that she was an ******* with me (no other way to put it) and I just don't want to have anything to do with her. Now, she's talking to me all the time through MSN, and one day she said she wanted to know if my cat had a "new mother". I laughed at that, and said yes. She then told me she hoped it wasn't X, who's my best friend. She's always found X ugly, stupid, bla bla bla... and she referred to her in such terms. I told her that I didn't appreciate her being like that... and for some reason we ended up talking about our break-up. She said she didn't regret anything, even though she knew she had done things wrong... and that she wanted to know about me, to help me out maybe, to know I'm happy, to watch me go around the world...

 

I felt bad that day. I felt stupid, really. What am I doing talking to this woman? Screw her, I thought. Why am I such an idiot? I should just ignore her and that's it. So that's more or less what I'm doing; I've ignored her requests to be my Facebook "friend" and I still have the "get-in-get-out, don't look the other way" policy for the class we're taking together. But sometimes I feel like jerk-off, and wonder if there's anything else I could do.

 

So that's my question: is there anything else I can or should do about this? Should I stay no-contact or should I go out of my way to say hi to her? I feel she doesn't deserve it. I've tried to paint you the picture, and I've probably failed, but maybe you get an idea: she was mean, and now it's over, and I don't see any reasong why I should be nice to her. But one should always be a gentleman, and that's what's bothering me.

 

Thanks for your time... and sorry for the long post.

[freestyle]

I get the feeling she`s trying to keep you on the back burner.Prying into your current romantic status tells me she`s fishing.

 

To answer your question, "What should I do about this?"

 

Be civil and polite when you do run into her, but if I were in your shoes, I wouldn`t go out of my way to say "hi".A nod of the head in passing will suffice.

 

You don`t owe her anything, so I wouldn`t feel bad.

 

If she persists in contacting you, I`d lay it on the line.I`d use the same line she used on you:

 

You`re a memory, something that doesn`t matter anymore,and that it doesn`t matter to you if she feels good, or bad,or both, etc.

[Casadiego]

I've also entertained that idea, but it seems to me she's better off now. The guy she's with is a lot closer to her style (he studies the same thing as her) and as I've said it always seemed that she wasn't too happy with me.

So why would she want to keep me in the backburner? I make that question and I feel a little bit naive. Maybe because she wants to feel important and wanted every once in a while?

[freestyle]

Back burner as in:

 

Plan B

 

the fallback guy

 

Keeping you on a string in case it doesn`t work out with the present boyfriend. Women do this all the time.

 

Or, it may be an ego feed for her.

[boogieboy]

She does want to feel important and wanted every once in a while. Women with low self esteem do this. If you dont want to talk to her, you dont owe her any niceness. You two arent getting back together, so you dont have to feel bad about it. Ignore her on MSN and continue to decline her facebook requests.

[Casadiego]

Well, I had thought about all that.

I guess you guys are right; it bothers me a bit 'cuz I don't want to come across as a jerk.

Thanks for your help!

[NopeNah]

Well, I had thought about all that.

I guess you guys are right; it bothers me a bit 'cuz I don't want to come across as a jerk.

Thanks for your help!

She's the jerk not you

[RYKR]

The best thing is to go cold turkey NC. Don't even go out your way to say hi, even better just tell her to fuzz off. What do you have to lose anyway?

 

She's your ex there is no point in being polite, it won't get you no where. She left you fair and square, and you still want to be the nice guy.

[Casadiego]

Well, it was me who left her hehe.

And it's not that I want to be the nice guy... but I don't feel like being a jerk, either. It was 1.5 years together and she gave me a cat, etc. All the hurt aside, there are (material?) things to be grateful for.

 

However, I've decided to keep the "cold turkey NC" approach. She's tried to add my on facebook two times already and I've ignored her, and I don't say much when she speaks to me on MSN. Like somebody else said, if I our eyes cross, I acknowledge it, but I don't go out of the way to say hi.

 

I'm at ease with this; like I said, the only thing that bothers me is that I may be being unpolite, but I guess that shouldn't bother me.

[Ray of Sunshine]

She has been very unpolite and mean as you say. You ignoring her is nothing that should bother you. She doesn't have a right to play head games with someone even if you dated as long as you did. You keep on doing what you are doing and good for you doing it!

 

Sunshine always

[0hpenelope]

You've handled yourself well. She doesn't have to be your enemy, but she doesn't have to be your friend either.

 

There's nothing ungentlemanly about what you've done so far. You've been civil.

[Casadiego]

Well, I feel much better now

I'll keep doing what I've been doing, and see how it goes from here.

Thanks for all of your answers