conehead Posted September 10, 2009 Posted September 10, 2009 Please bear with me as I need urgent advice. Ok if you've all been following my threads, then well you know that my bf and I broke up 2.5 weeks ago and we were strict NC the whole time. At the time of the breakup, not much was said between us, as I was so angry that I just said 'thats it' and left. The breakup occurred just 2 weeks after I told my bf at the time that I want to cut back on all physical intimacy until marriage, which he did not understand and was very unhappy about. Naturally, when we broke up, I thought it was because of that. But over the next 2.5 weeks subsequent to the breakup, I felt uneasy, and felt like I needed closure. So finally, last night I called him up to tell him that I feel we should discuss why we broke up. He said the physical intimacy issue had very little to do with the breakup, and he said that his feelings for me were very strong for the first few months of the relationship (we were official for 9 months) but that it kind of hit a lull. His feelings for me didn't really diminish, but that it didnt grow either and things just stalled for him. We were long distance, and he said that he didn't see himself close to even wanting to move to my city to be closer to me. He attributed it to such incompatibilities, such as me being a bit paranoid about safety, diseases and such and that it reminded him of his mom and he didnt like to be around that kind of paranoia. What a blow to my ego . It's quite sad that he seemed so in love with me in the beginning, and then it all just went kaput. But the talk did seem to get me closure so I can move on. However, he also told me that he thought I blocked him on AIM (he said he typed my sn using a different login and it showed up, but that my sn did not show up on the login he normally uses with me) which I did not and I told him I have no idea why he saw that. So this morning I sent him an IM telling him that basically I didn't mess with the AIM settings and doesnt' look like he's blocked because I was able to IM him (now I regret doing this). He IMed me back telling me he didnt see me online until now and that he's glad to hear I'm doing well and hope we can still maintain a friendship. Ok, so how should I respond to that? I feel like if I say yes then that will just prevent me from moving on. If I say no, I appear petty. I wonder if I should ignore it. If you were me, how would you respond???? Please its urgent cuz its IM. thx!!!
nature Posted September 10, 2009 Posted September 10, 2009 I am sorry to hear about your conversation last night. Very painful. I suspect there was a reason you had "had it" and threw in the towel on him. You didn't do that because everything was going wonderfully. I would respond by saying: "Thank you for your offer of friendship, and as much as I appreciate it, I think we both know that we each have enough friends in our lives and neither of us is looking for another friend to add to the list. The biggest part of a relationship is friendship, which comes with appreciating that person as someone important in our lives. For you to say that it wasn't the "intimacy" that was an issue with our relationship, tells me it was your lack of "like" for who I am as a person. In otherwords, for who I am as your friend. You mentioned last night that you don't like a lot of things about my personality. Thus, I do not see how a friendship is even probable. Because the things you dislike about me are the things that matter in upholding a friendship with someone or not. Take care." 1
northstar1 Posted September 10, 2009 Posted September 10, 2009 Please bear with me as I need urgent advice. Ok if you've all been following my threads, then well you know that my bf and I broke up 2.5 weeks ago and we were strict NC the whole time. At the time of the breakup, not much was said between us, as I was so angry that I just said 'thats it' and left. The breakup occurred just 2 weeks after I told my bf at the time that I want to cut back on all physical intimacy until marriage, which he did not understand and was very unhappy about. Naturally, when we broke up, I thought it was because of that. But over the next 2.5 weeks subsequent to the breakup, I felt uneasy, and felt like I needed closure. So finally, last night I called him up to tell him that I feel we should discuss why we broke up. He said the physical intimacy issue had very little to do with the breakup, and he said that his feelings for me were very strong for the first few months of the relationship (we were official for 9 months) but that it kind of hit a lull. His feelings for me didn't really diminish, but that it didnt grow either and things just stalled for him. We were long distance, and he said that he didn't see himself close to even wanting to move to my city to be closer to me. He attributed it to such incompatibilities, such as me being a bit paranoid about safety, diseases and such and that it reminded him of his mom and he didnt like to be around that kind of paranoia. What a blow to my ego . It's quite sad that he seemed so in love with me in the beginning, and then it all just went kaput. But the talk did seem to get me closure so I can move on. However, he also told me that he thought I blocked him on AIM (he said he typed my sn using a different login and it showed up, but that my sn did not show up on the login he normally uses with me) which I did not and I told him I have no idea why he saw that. So this morning I sent him an IM telling him that basically I didn't mess with the AIM settings and doesnt' look like he's blocked because I was able to IM him (now I regret doing this). He IMed me back telling me he didnt see me online until now and that he's glad to hear I'm doing well and hope we can still maintain a friendship. Ok, so how should I respond to that? I feel like if I say yes then that will just prevent me from moving on. If I say no, I appear petty. I wonder if I should ignore it. If you were me, how would you respond???? Please its urgent cuz its IM. thx!!! "Thanks, I'm doing well. I don't think a friendship is possible between us. Take care of yourself" And delete him off AIM.
hoping2heal Posted September 10, 2009 Posted September 10, 2009 To be honest, a recent belief I have is that anyone who "falls in love in the begining" isn't really falling in love. You haven't had a chance to see someone at their most raw yet. You know their personality, but not their charachter. You know their best sides, you don't know their ugly sides and their weakness'. When you're in love, you can appreciate all of that and you get a chance to see if you're compatible or not, etc. So I do believe that "so in love in the begining" is just an illusion. What really says something is when they've seen it all hang out, for better or worse and they still can't get enough of you. They are crazy about you and just want more. They know you at your best and they've seen you at your worst and they understand it all makes you who you are, and they love you for it. Don't cry crocodile tears over a guy who think you are incompatible; be glad you have some closure now. You now know you broke up because he doesn't feel a compatibilty with you at the essence of who you are, which means you two are not and never were right for another. You don't have to worry about feeling like "it's the one who got away" Now you know for certain it's not. I wouldn't worry about feeling petty, you need to do what's best for YOU. Who else is going to look out for that?
Author conehead Posted September 10, 2009 Author Posted September 10, 2009 Ugh, I couldn't make myself say no. I just said 'Yes I think so. Hope things go well for you and your granmda.' That is it. I think he gets the message probably, though I think he said the friendship thing just to be nice or something. Back to NC now.
Author conehead Posted September 10, 2009 Author Posted September 10, 2009 To be honest, a recent belief I have is that anyone who "falls in love in the begining" isn't really falling in love. You haven't had a chance to see someone at their most raw yet. You know their personality, but not their charachter. You know their best sides, you don't know their ugly sides and their weakness'. When you're in love, you can appreciate all of that and you get a chance to see if you're compatible or not, etc. So I do believe that "so in love in the begining" is just an illusion. What really says something is when they've seen it all hang out, for better or worse and they still can't get enough of you. They are crazy about you and just want more. They know you at your best and they've seen you at your worst and they understand it all makes you who you are, and they love you for it. Don't cry crocodile tears over a guy who think you are incompatible; be glad you have some closure now. You now know you broke up because he doesn't feel a compatibilty with you at the essence of who you are, which means you two are not and never were right for another. You don't have to worry about feeling like "it's the one who got away" Now you know for certain it's not. I wouldn't worry about feeling petty, you need to do what's best for YOU. Who else is going to look out for that? Thx for your words. And you are right, I don't think it's true love. True love learns to compromise and accept. While its a bruise to my ego, I know I will be fine .
northstar1 Posted September 10, 2009 Posted September 10, 2009 Ugh, I couldn't make myself say no. I just said 'Yes I think so. Hope things go well for you and your granmda.' That is it. I think he gets the message probably, though I think he said the friendship thing just to be nice or something. Back to NC now. Did you delete him off AIM? Will this quash your desire to be in touch still?
Author conehead Posted September 10, 2009 Author Posted September 10, 2009 Did you delete him off AIM? Will this quash your desire to be in touch still? Yes I deleted him, but did not block him....though I have no idea why he insisted I had blocked him in the first place when I'm 100% sure I did not. As of now, I have no desire to talk to him. I'm just a bit sad. No gurantees that these desires might not creep up to me later on, but as of now, it's just .
Author conehead Posted September 10, 2009 Author Posted September 10, 2009 Emptiness/depression is kicking in guys
NopeNah Posted September 10, 2009 Posted September 10, 2009 That's why I said "If you can handle the possible rejection"..anyways..sometimes it takes us a couple of gut punch's to get to moving forward..God knows it was a severe beat down I took! haha! Chin up,girl! It'll be alright!
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