GorillaTheater Posted September 10, 2009 Posted September 10, 2009 Funny you mention this, because I've seen this dynamic too and never really understood it. In a pub that I used to go to occasionally, I witnessed an altercation between a guy and his gf (at least, I think it was his gf) whereby the guy grabbed her by the shoulders and shook her really, really hard and was yelling at her. She was clearly frightened and upset, but I couldn't tell what he was saying because the music was too loud and I was too far away. Another guy came up behind the fellow shaking the woman and placed his hands firmly on the guy's shoulders to pull him away. In an instant, the girl attacked the fellow that was defending her, clawing at the guy with her nails. Bouncers intervened within a couple of seconds and all three of them were thrown out. I just thought it was very strange why the woman would attack the man who was defending her from another guy. My wife's brother is a cop, and they have to be wary of this dynamic every time they answer a domestic disturbance call. Apparently it's not terribly unusual to have to physically fend off the wife/girlfriend as they're attempting to arrest the husband/boyfriend.
hoping2heal Posted September 10, 2009 Posted September 10, 2009 Be prepared to lose your friendship with your friend, LB. It sucks, but unless she's got the ovaries to stick up for herself and leave him of her own volition, her decision to remain with him will cause serious tension between the two of you. She'll know that "you know" what she's tolerating, and you won't want to be around to see it continue. It's a very sad situation to be in. I agree with this. Back several months ago, before I knew anything about boundries, cajones, and standing up for myself or anyone else in the presence of a male; I saw my friends fiance hit her in the face days after she had surgery. I was shocked, but intimidated myself by the situation. He's also exposed himself to me. Well, needless to say I eventually got to a point where I began standing up for myself and I told her I wanted to spend time with her without him present and why; I also told her that she was being disrespected and the way she was being treated was disgusting (he would make comments in front of her to me about her being "loose" down "there") and he would just say very vulgar things to her or about her to me. Again, at the time I had no skills in that area or I probably would of popped him a good one. Anyhow, once I made it clear I wouldn't stand for him whipping out his penis at me, disrespecting her, or trying to tell me what to do and calling me "his" bitch; she quit coming around more or less. She left the state without ever even coming to see me before hand and I was her best friend for 5 years; she had been with this guy just months at the time. So, I think the right thing to do is report it, just be prepared to lose your friend for awhile or forever, who knows but that's out of her own deal, it should never be a reason you DON'T do somethng about witnessing abuse.
Author Lauriebell82 Posted September 10, 2009 Author Posted September 10, 2009 Thanks for all of your responses, there are some really interesting ways to handle it. What happened: Last weekend I slept over my friends house. She just moved into a HOUSE that her boyfriend and her are both on the lease (they bought it together). They have only been together for about 7 months. Well apparently they got in an argument over doing the dishes while I was in the upstairs bedroom changing. I heard some struggling and arguing. I then heard her start gagging (he tried to choke her) so I went downstairs to see what was happening. I saw through the mirror in the hall what was happening in the bedroom..he was trying to punch her. I saw him throw a lamp so I went to the door with my cell phone in my hand and told him I would call the cops if he did not stop this. I have a keychain that turns into a little razor blade in case someone attacks me and my cell phone in my hand. I went to dial but he said he would go upstairs to sleep and leave her alone for the night. My friend told me she wanted me to still stay the night so I slept in her bed with her while he slept upstairs. I slept with my cell phone and keychain under my pillow in case he decided to come downstairs. He didn't. She called off the next morning because she had restraint marks on her neck and her arm. She also had a bruise under her chest from the lamp her threw. He left for work but I told her if she needed anything she could call me and I'd be right over. She said that was the first time he'd ever hit her. That afternoon she called me and told me that he went to his dad's house to stay and is going to go to counseling. He apparently apologized and accepted responsibilty for what happened. She will not let him back in the house though and told him he needs to stay in therapy before she could ever be with him again. I hope she doesn't change her mind on this!
hoping2heal Posted September 10, 2009 Posted September 10, 2009 GOOD for her. I commend him for actually realising he has a problem and doing something about it, but he's going to have to put his money where his mouth is. I also hope she sticks to this! Good for her!
sweetjasmine Posted September 10, 2009 Posted September 10, 2009 That's scary. It sounds like you did the right thing. I probably would've just called the cops without saying anything. And if anyone ever hit me, it'd be game over, no second chances, even if he got therapy/counseling.
Author Lauriebell82 Posted September 10, 2009 Author Posted September 10, 2009 That's scary. It sounds like you did the right thing. I probably would've just called the cops without saying anything. And if anyone ever hit me, it'd be game over, no second chances, even if he got therapy/counseling. The reason I didn't call the cops was because I didn't have any clue what he would do because I don't know him that well. Since it was just us alone in a house I didn't want him to freak out if I called the cops and attack me. Since he just agreed to go upstairs I figured that the cops really wouldn't do much besides suggest he go upstairs anyway.
sweetjasmine Posted September 10, 2009 Posted September 10, 2009 The reason I didn't call the cops was because I didn't have any clue what he would do because I don't know him that well. Since it was just us alone in a house I didn't want him to freak out if I called the cops and attack me. Since he just agreed to go upstairs I figured that the cops really wouldn't do much besides suggest he go upstairs anyway. Oh, I know, I think you did the right thing. You're right that it might have been worse to just call the cops.
silverfish Posted September 10, 2009 Posted September 10, 2009 What would you do if you saw your friend getting hit by her boyfriend? Ok, so obviously help her as you did. But really the important question is What is SHE going to do about getting hit by her boyfriend. Because either you helping her, or him hitting her, keeps her in the position of victim
Lizzie60 Posted September 11, 2009 Posted September 11, 2009 Unless her life is in danger.. I wouldn't do anything.. SHE's the one who has to press charges..
Art_Critic Posted September 11, 2009 Posted September 11, 2009 In my first marriage I was physically abused and learned about the wheel when in therapy learning what I was dealing with.. I have always found this helpful: The Power and Control Wheel of Violence http://www.theduluthmodel.org/pdf/PhyVio.pdf The Equality Wheel of NON Violence http://www.theduluthmodel.org/pdf/NonVio.pdf
carhill Posted September 11, 2009 Posted September 11, 2009 What would you do if you saw your friend getting hit by her boyfriend? One of us would be going to the hospital and one of us would be going to jail. If I was still conscious, either way, I'd be smiling. A lifetime of despising men who abuse women would be focused on one individual until it was completely gone or I was dead. How's that for honesty?
Author Lauriebell82 Posted September 11, 2009 Author Posted September 11, 2009 In my first marriage I was physically abused and learned about the wheel when in therapy learning what I was dealing with.. I have always found this helpful: The Power and Control Wheel of Violence http://www.theduluthmodel.org/pdf/PhyVio.pdf The Equality Wheel of NON Violence http://www.theduluthmodel.org/pdf/NonVio.pdf Wow, great website, I'll have to print that out. I have something along that line, a handout about the abuse cycle. I work on it with my clients and they are shocked to find out that they are in an abusive relationship and didn't even know it. Thanks AC!
Author Lauriebell82 Posted September 11, 2009 Author Posted September 11, 2009 One of us would be going to the hospital and one of us would be going to jail. If I was still conscious, either way, I'd be smiling. A lifetime of despising men who abuse women would be focused on one individual until it was completely gone or I was dead. How's that for honesty? Wow, thats honesty all right. My fiance said something similar to that lol. Okay, back to watching men kick each other's butts! (aka the Steelers game)
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