Author jj33 Posted September 11, 2009 Author Share Posted September 11, 2009 Im totally torn up about this. Im not sure what to do. He seems to have gotten the message (today...) but his pattern is that in a few days or a week or so it will start up again. Everyone says just ignore it, dont answer etc dont let it get to you but its getting to me. How do you just ignore it and say ok that is what he is doing, its nothing to do with me, it doesnt matter Im not going to give it any more thought? Link to post Share on other sites
fooled once Posted September 11, 2009 Share Posted September 11, 2009 so what is your other thoughts on how to handle this? If you can't call him out on it (ie call the police) and I am guessing reporting him to HR won't work.... what else is there for you to do than to continue the same path? And that hasn't even been working well I am sorry - I have no advice for you. I wish he would either find someone new to focus on or STOP being a narcisstic ass and leave you alone. Link to post Share on other sites
jasminetea Posted September 11, 2009 Share Posted September 11, 2009 Oh he's such a bloody *****. I believe the only way you will escape this is to quit your business. I know that at the moment the pros outweigh the cons and its awful to say but I do wish it was the other way round. As traumatic as it would be short term I believe you would be far, far happier in the long run. Link to post Share on other sites
Author jj33 Posted September 11, 2009 Author Share Posted September 11, 2009 I knew if I responded as if it were personal hed run for the hills. And for the moment he has... until next week... Such an idiot. Thanks all I know you mean well but close down my livelihood? For him? Never. I might close it down for other reasons, but not for him. If I closed it down the issue wouldnt end and I would have NO scope to tell him where to go if I worked for someone else and no scope to decline to see him in person or to take his calls. I have much more leverage on my own. Working with others and telling them you dont want to deal with him is a way to kiss goodbye your position, particularly for me because my "access" to him is seen as a benefit. The fact that I no longer have the same access is not known to anyone (but for the one or two people who know) because they did not know we ever had an A. As a general matter, how do you call the police on a public figure and say "he's calling my house". Is he threatening you ma'am? no. Is he using foul language? no. Is he polite on the phone? Yes. Whats he doing? Hes calling to tell me about his day and talk about business. They dont do a great job of stopping domestic violence I dont think a call like that would be a top priority. If he doesnt stop, I could tell the phone company to block calls from his number to my home number if they would do that. But I think I am better off getting caller ID. Hes a narcissist not a psychopath. I dont want to ruin him. I just want him to leave me alone. I do think responding in a personal manner is the best way. It scares him to death. Because hes just foolin around, feeding his need for attention. Link to post Share on other sites
jasminetea Posted September 11, 2009 Share Posted September 11, 2009 Thanks all I know you mean well but close down my livelihood? For him? Never. I might close it down for other reasons, but not for him.No, not for him. For you. If I closed it down the issue wouldnt end and I would have NO scope to tell him where to go if I worked for someone else and no scope to decline to see him in person or to take his calls. I have much more leverage on my own. Working with others and telling them you dont want to deal with him is a way to kiss goodbye your position, particularly for me because my "access" to him is seen as a benefit. The fact that I no longer have the same access is not known to anyone (but for the one or two people who know) because they did not know we ever had an A. I don't know jj, it seems that you're making excuses. I believe that there are other things you could do that would earn you enough to live and mean you would have no need to be in contact with him. I guess its one of those occassions that the situation is not yet unbearable for you. If it was you'd get him out of your life no matter what. And that's fine, I'm just saying. As a general matter, how do you call the police on a public figure and say "he's calling my house". Is he threatening you ma'am? no. Is he using foul language? no. Is he polite on the phone? Yes. Whats he doing? Hes calling to tell me about his day and talk about business. They dont do a great job of stopping domestic violence I dont think a call like that would be a top priority. If he doesnt stop, I could tell the phone company to block calls from his number to my home number if they would do that. But I think I am better off getting caller ID. Why not just block his numbers and number withheld? Having caller ID just means you can tell when he calls and why do you need to know that? Besides, most landline phones give you that anyway, you don't need to ask for it. I do think responding in a personal manner is the best way. It scares him to death. Because hes just foolin around, feeding his need for attention. You talking like you've tried this before. If so, why bother doing it again when it didn't work first time? Seriously, not a rhetorical question. Link to post Share on other sites
Author jj33 Posted September 11, 2009 Author Share Posted September 11, 2009 Im sorry I went to university and grad school for 8 years to train to do what I do. And I am supposed to give it up because of him? I dont think so. I have developed a niche for which I am known and i am supposed to give it up to do ???? because of him. At my age you dont just magically find another career where you make money. I am alone and responsible for myself with no safety net. What the f am I supposed to do? My work is my life to a large extent and my identity. I wouldnt give that all up for some idiot. Caller ID is useful because I dont have to pick up the phone. I tried the last strategy since posting this thread and for the moment it seems to have worked. Link to post Share on other sites
jasminetea Posted September 11, 2009 Share Posted September 11, 2009 Im sorry I went to university and grad school for 8 years to train to do what I do. And I am supposed to give it up because of him? I dont think so. I have developed a niche for which I am known and i am supposed to give it up to do ???? because of him. Ok, I came across as attacking you, but I wasn't. Honestly. I still believe that only when the cons outweigh the pros, one changes the status quo. Its human nature to only change when there's enough motivation to do so, surely? That doesn't take away the fact you're having a hard time, maybe your current decision to not leave just demonstrates the vastness of what you'd have to give up. Edit - I'm honestly surprised that giving up what you currently do, or doing it elsewhere/with someone else/in another way is impossible given the extent of your qualifications. I guess I'd have to know what you do though to understand completely - I'm not asking for that info. Caller ID is useful because I dont have to pick up the phone. I understand that, but blocking his number would have the same effect, plus you wouldn't have to know that he'd tried to call. I tried the last strategy since posting this thread and for the moment it seems to have worked.Oh ok, I got the impression that you'd tried this before. Link to post Share on other sites
Author jj33 Posted September 11, 2009 Author Share Posted September 11, 2009 Sorry Jas you are wonderful and I dont mean to be defensive. Its complicated. If something else came along I might change things but unless and until that happens there will be no change. I never ignored his calls before. I am doing that now and that has been helping. plus the new strategy seems to have done the trick for the moment. He cant have it both ways. I dont have warm fuzzy feelings for him anymore. Its like the feeling of loving someone but not wanting to be around them if that makes sense, the way people feel about family members sometimes. I think a part of me will always love him and always care about him in some way but he is trying to get his fix of me by being in constant contant and pretending that everything is fine and happy. And that is terribly unfair to me. Not to mention the fact that I am so busy I scarcely have time to breathe and dont have time to baby sit a married man. Thanks Jas. Link to post Share on other sites
jasminetea Posted September 11, 2009 Share Posted September 11, 2009 Sorry Jas you are wonderful and I dont mean to be defensive. Its complicated. If something else came along I might change things but unless and until that happens there will be no change. Bloody hell, I think it's impossible to not be defensive! Not only have you been through an affair (never easy) but you've continued to have to go through the mill even after calling it a day. And you KNOW I'm not wonderful I never ignored his calls before. I am doing that now and that has been helping. plus the new strategy seems to have done the trick for the moment. I hope it continues to work or helps you to deal more easily with him if it doesn't. I think a part of me will always love him and always care about him in some way And this is the crucial bit that I think matters now. The fact you have feelings for him means he can hurt you and I wish I knew a way you could lose those feelings, or even believe you could lose them, without having to give up so much. Bugger, life's a bitch at times. Link to post Share on other sites
In_Repair Posted September 11, 2009 Share Posted September 11, 2009 Oh, he's one of those guys... well, that should be easy actually. Have another man answer the phone and deal with him. A few well delivered threats from a new boyfriend will probably shut him up quicker than anything else. It not only conveys that you are no longer under his thumb, it will also put some fear in him... which is something that these guys usually don't deal with very well. He knows he can walk all over you, and he thinks he can side-step any problems you might give him because of it. So... let someone else handle it, someone that he has no power over... Would he know if you had some flowers delivered to yourself at work? Link to post Share on other sites
Author jj33 Posted September 11, 2009 Author Share Posted September 11, 2009 Thanks in repair. Its funny you should say that. We dont share the same premises so he wouldnt see them. But I could "fake it til I make it" and act as if I have a new bf. For all he knows I am seeing someone new. I dont answer calls after 5, dont communicate after 5 or on weekends. Who knows maybe the fact that he doesnt know what I am doing or who I am with is fueling this. Link to post Share on other sites
jasminetea Posted September 11, 2009 Share Posted September 11, 2009 I thought you'd already tried that, damn my miserable memory! Its a great idea! Link to post Share on other sites
Author jj33 Posted September 12, 2009 Author Share Posted September 12, 2009 I am pleased to report that it worked. 24 hours of radio silence. He got the response he wanted and now hes leaving me in peace. Thank you all for your support. Link to post Share on other sites
fooled once Posted September 12, 2009 Share Posted September 12, 2009 If he doesnt stop, I could tell the phone company to block calls from his number to my home number if they would do that. But I think I am better off getting caller ID. Definitely!! You must be one of the few people who doesn't have caller id Also I was only thinking of a police report in that you have told him NOT to call and he continues. But you are right, I guess they have more important things to do especially since he isn't threatening bodily harm to you. I don't think you should have to give up YOUR business because of him. That gives him too much power over you. He shouldn't be able to stop your livelyhood because he can't let go of you or stop bothering you. Link to post Share on other sites
2sunny Posted September 12, 2009 Share Posted September 12, 2009 he will call again... you know that. when he does and his number comes up -pick up the phone and hang up on him before he even has a chance to speak. he'll call back - do it again. if that doesn't work - get a new number - keep the old number and he can dial into never never land - you get to use the new number with complete privacy and freedom. your home now becomes a place of rest again. Link to post Share on other sites
Author jj33 Posted September 12, 2009 Author Share Posted September 12, 2009 Thanks Fooled and Sunny. I appreciate that. No he is so uber polite and so well known for his good manners (to others at least) it would be laughable for me to call the police. It would be a good way to paint myself as a psycho if that was my goal. Same for the business - to give up my livelihood for him? No. Sunny that is a great idea for the new line. I could keep it as a business line and have a different line for personal calls and not answer the business line after 5. So pleased I got him to back off for now. Too bad I had to resort to guerilla tactics. Are you divorcing? Are you busy packing? Nothing short of that is an acceptable reason to contact me so... what can I say. I scared him and he has run for cover! Link to post Share on other sites
Author jj33 Posted September 13, 2009 Author Share Posted September 13, 2009 I wish I could let this go. Am feeling very restless hoping that it will be OK. That it will be more comfortable and that there wont be any fallout. Silence would be acceptable, a cold reception in business would not be unexpected. And stupid as it is, I hate that I have probably hurt his feelings ( I added some things that are too fresh to post in public). I know my stance is reasonable and appropriate, and I was polite but I also know he means well. I do not think he is consciously being selfish. He thinks he is doing the right thing. But I am not his AP anymore and this limbo state has to end. I hate this feeling that I am constantly waiting for the other shoe to drop. When does this end? I know the answer it ends when I am 100% detached emotionally because then it wont bother me. I think I am almost there. I hate that its taken so long. I could have married and had children by now! Link to post Share on other sites
OWoman Posted September 14, 2009 Share Posted September 14, 2009 Hang in there, JJ! One day you will wake up, the phone will ring - his number - and you'll feel completely indifferent. Link to post Share on other sites
Author jj33 Posted September 14, 2009 Author Share Posted September 14, 2009 Thanks OWoman. Its always that way isnt it. Youre not over it and not over it and then one day you wake up and suddenly you are. Link to post Share on other sites
Devil Inside Posted September 14, 2009 Share Posted September 14, 2009 Thanks OWoman. Its always that way isnt it. Youre not over it and not over it and then one day you wake up and suddenly you are. Funny thing is...when you get there...you won't even know it...because you will be there. That made sense didn't it? Link to post Share on other sites
MistyK Posted September 14, 2009 Share Posted September 14, 2009 It really sucks. I wonder a lot if we ever really heal. I don't think I'll ever be the same. ((jj33)) Link to post Share on other sites
Author jj33 Posted September 14, 2009 Author Share Posted September 14, 2009 Thanks Misty. I hope we will - only better because we will never make mistakes like these again! ((Misty)) right back at ya Link to post Share on other sites
Devil Inside Posted September 14, 2009 Share Posted September 14, 2009 Misty and JJ33...I know I don't "know" you...but I can say that you are two strong women. Yes, it will never be the same...but we grow from painful experiences...I believe that you two will find that this experience will teach you something about yourself that will be vital later down the road. Link to post Share on other sites
Author jj33 Posted September 14, 2009 Author Share Posted September 14, 2009 Thanks Devil. But at this point I dont think so. I am already in my 50s... its already later down the road. But your post about the 80% really spoke to me. I was at best 35% for him. And I knew that which was why I never expected him to leave but seeing it in writing made a real impact. Thank you. Link to post Share on other sites
OWoman Posted September 14, 2009 Share Posted September 14, 2009 JJ do you know that song, "For A While"? I think the original may have been Sinatra, but the version I have is by Nina Simone. It may be apposite...? Link to post Share on other sites
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