jj33 Posted September 10, 2009 Share Posted September 10, 2009 Apparently xMM has my home number confused with twitter. calling to give me updates on his day, his evening, where he is, where he is going, what he is doing... Im ignoring most of hte calls but ?? i dont even think twitter has a telephone service, I think you need to log in to alert the world to your every move... I know the drill ignore ignore ignore (and ask him to cut it out which I have) Its exhausting and it goes to show they just try another tact. I was a miserable SOB and that didnt work so now I am fresh back from Labor Day lets try something new. Lets pretend we are a couple and maybe she wont notice that we've been apart for donkey's years. What I wanted to say was, I think you dialed the wrong number, did you mean to call your WIFE and tell her (because I really dont want to know). But of course when I said why are you contacting me he made justifications. And so the circle begins again... What fun. Link to post Share on other sites
Owl Posted September 10, 2009 Share Posted September 10, 2009 Don't ASK him to stop...TELL him to stop. Make darn sure he knows your serious. If he does it again, have a 'consequence' in mind...one that you're willing and able to enforce. Make it clear to him that he's violating a boundary that you're willing to enforce. I feel for you, JJ. I completely understand why NC is impossible in your situation, but you can clearly see why it's an absolute requirement. There can be no friendship, no interaction with an affair partner like this after the affair ends...because he'll continue to 'push the boundary' trying to get you to slip. Link to post Share on other sites
2sure Posted September 10, 2009 Share Posted September 10, 2009 Have sex with someone else, the loud sloppy kind, possibly doing something with your lover that you never did with MM...and dial MM's phone number and let his voice mail record the session. Next time he feels the need to give you an update on his day, both it and he will pale in comparison. If you have no new lover just play a porn video and add your own commentary. Link to post Share on other sites
MistyK Posted September 10, 2009 Share Posted September 10, 2009 i dont even think twitter has a telephone service, I think you need to log in to alert the world to your every move... Calling? I know you can do text message updates from your cellphone, but I don't believe there's any call in service. Link to post Share on other sites
Author jj33 Posted September 10, 2009 Author Share Posted September 10, 2009 Dont worry Owl I told him on no uncertain terms. And as you know I tried to assert total NC and it did not good. I dont answer his calls outside of business hours and do not answer his calls other than to my office but ?? I have tried everything. Being nice, not being nice, demanding NC. I have vowed not to get angry with him anymore. So now I am polite and politely remind him that i do not wish to communicate with him. Its been quiet today so I think he knows I mean business. But its like running after a little child - you cant wait until they get to the curb, you have to pick them up when they start to run towards the pavement so that they dont go into the street. Now when he starts unecessary contact I have to bat him back immediately so he gets the message. Its exhausting. I SO wish he would find a new OW. Then he could give her the twitter update. 2sure I am done with men. Unless someone comes along and really convinces me to give a relationship a chance, Im out. This was just too awful. Link to post Share on other sites
Owl Posted September 10, 2009 Share Posted September 10, 2009 What "consequences" can you enforce if he continues to violate your boundary? Link to post Share on other sites
Author jj33 Posted September 10, 2009 Author Share Posted September 10, 2009 none. I have no control other than to not pick up the phone and to be cool to him when I speak to him. His calls are about HIM not me. I dont talk about me. I listen and get off the phone as quickly as I can and if I want business intelligence I mention. Not that he is that helpful mind you. He has withdrawn a lot of his support as well. And now that i told him to go away im sure he will be even less helpful. Link to post Share on other sites
In_Repair Posted September 10, 2009 Share Posted September 10, 2009 Do you really want to stop all contact with him? Really? Threatening to tell his wife should do it... or better yet, just tell her. Link to post Share on other sites
Author jj33 Posted September 10, 2009 Author Share Posted September 10, 2009 In Repair the affair has been over for several years. He just wont let go. She knows and doesnt care. She'd just think I was an idiot that I bothered her. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted September 10, 2009 Share Posted September 10, 2009 Then tell him you're going to file a harrassment suit against him if he doesn't stop bothering you. Link to post Share on other sites
2sure Posted September 10, 2009 Share Posted September 10, 2009 2sure I am done with men. Unless someone comes along and really convinces me to give a relationship a chance, Im out. This was just too awful. Crap. Yes. I feel it too. I'm hoping it goes away. I have real potential to become one of those "ball buster" women and I just really really dont want to. Link to post Share on other sites
Author jj33 Posted September 10, 2009 Author Share Posted September 10, 2009 I hope so too but at this point I feel like I have had a colorful past, lots of memories, it hasnt worked out for me, maybe that is just not meant to be. Its so lonely and I hate the idea of being alone for the rest of my life (no children no partner etc) but... its just been so brutal. I mean come on its YEARS after the fact - do you think you could let me be? EVER? The crime of it is he doesnt want ME. He wants the feeling of when we were together. He remembers how happy we were together and he wants that back without ever admitting anything. Basically he expects me to give and give and for him to say what are you talking about we are colleagues and give back nothing in return except the "twitter" of hearing him tell me about his fabulous life. How lucky am I? I mean tell your effing wife where what you are doing at every moment. You cant because she doesn give a flying ****. It would be nice in theory to think we could be "friends" even in a business sense but we arent. He has proven that by not reciprocating in terms of various things - its ok for me to give and give but its not ok to expect him to do anything except flit in and out when he needs a dose of my attention. I am SO over this. And its cruel to say to someone, look I dont enjoy speaking to you dont you understand that? But it may come to that. Link to post Share on other sites
Author jj33 Posted September 10, 2009 Author Share Posted September 10, 2009 But 2sure you know what is SO sad, I was so over men before this. I got back into the game for him, after he chased me relentlessly.... what an effing mistake. Its the gift that keeps on giving.... Link to post Share on other sites
ladydesigner Posted September 10, 2009 Share Posted September 10, 2009 Its the gift that keeps on giving.... LOL that's how I feel with my xOM breaking NC recently and as much as I think (in my twisted mind) that it is flattering, it is not...it is very painful. Link to post Share on other sites
freestyle Posted September 10, 2009 Share Posted September 10, 2009 How about offering to fix him up with someone?Or, send him a link to a dating service................................ Link to post Share on other sites
2sure Posted September 10, 2009 Share Posted September 10, 2009 But 2sure you know what is SO sad, I was so over men before this. I got back into the game for him, after he chased me relentlessly.... what an effing mistake. Its the gift that keeps on giving.... I know!! The one thing I do keep saying to my H, out of fristration because he has no answer is: Why couldnt you have just left me where you found me? I didnt even want to get married. Link to post Share on other sites
In_Repair Posted September 10, 2009 Share Posted September 10, 2009 It doesn't really matter if you two were through before he even met his wife, on some level it will bother her to know that her husband is trying to initiate contact with an old flame of any sort, and eventually she will express this to him. I'm not saying to call his wife and make accusations, just tell the truth. Forward an email or two. If he won't respect your requests, then play dirty. Notify his boss if you also have a work relationship. How do you think you, as the OW, would be portrayed if you were the one trying to initiate unwanted contact at this point? Link to post Share on other sites
Author jj33 Posted September 10, 2009 Author Share Posted September 10, 2009 We were together while they were married. She doesnt care. It would only make me look stupid. Ive met her she would think I was an incredible twit if I raised it with her. Thats the thing. Hes got the socialite wife, the perfect children (all grown), AND he gets to do what he wants when hes not needed for a command performance as the perfect husband and father. Hes a lucky lucky boy... Link to post Share on other sites
freestyle Posted September 10, 2009 Share Posted September 10, 2009 he sounds like a narcissist to me.They absolutely CAN`T handle it if everyone doesn`t see them as wonderful,and they will step all over you trying to prove it. Link to post Share on other sites
ladydesigner Posted September 10, 2009 Share Posted September 10, 2009 Thats the thing. Hes got the socialite wife, the perfect children (all grown), AND he gets to do what he wants when hes not needed for a command performance as the perfect husband and father. I am sure his wife has her own side of fun, how else could you deal with a jerk like that. He sounds like a real piece of work. I hope he leaves you in peace. You do not deserve this. Link to post Share on other sites
Author jj33 Posted September 10, 2009 Author Share Posted September 10, 2009 Bingo he is a total narcissist. Wish Id realized that a long long time ago.. Link to post Share on other sites
Devil Inside Posted September 10, 2009 Share Posted September 10, 2009 This sounds like so much fun...yuck. Like Owl and others have mentioned...first step would be to tell him to never contact you...and if he does you will X. Now X has to be something that you will follow through with and that has some kind of aversive effect. It could really be anything...just use your imagination. This really is harassment...I mean four times a day...come on. As for swearing off men...don't assume all men are like him...that would be an insult to all men. There are some guys out there that respect boundaries, are availible, and even deserving of your attention. Link to post Share on other sites
Author jj33 Posted September 10, 2009 Author Share Posted September 10, 2009 Thanks DI. Its not against men as much as my ability to succeed in relatoinships Thats the thing I dont have any leverage. Everyone knows (wife etc) and no one cares. Ive basically been told (if you read between the lines) to "man up" and deal with it. I tried to enforce a total NC at one point (including work) and was told I could not do that at work so he has that as a facade for contacting me. And when I complain he says I am being unprofessional. It now feels like harrassment even if the calls are pleasant and polite and chatty. Ive asked him not to contact me. numerous times a day at home as well as at work in the morning before i leave for work and in the evenings (I never pick up the calls at home) I guess all I can do is ignore him. Actually the best way to get him to leave me alone would be to pick up his call and say oh MM I have missed you so much. Are you ready to leave your wife? How soon can we get married.... I bet he'd run for the hills! Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted September 10, 2009 Share Posted September 10, 2009 Thats the thing I dont have any leverage You DO! By telling him that you're going to file a harrassement suit against him, go the Cops if he doesn't leave you ALONE and stay in NC mode. Link to post Share on other sites
Author jj33 Posted September 10, 2009 Author Share Posted September 10, 2009 Oh my... I cant do that. For a million reasons. Not the least of which is his position. I would be laughed out of town, ruin my business and my reputation ... I could never do that. And I wouldnt win. He would say it was required communication. I think asking him when we are getting married is the best or something like that. Link to post Share on other sites
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