taken for a fool

[doe111]

i have never done this before, been the ow.

i need some closure and cant seem to find it

i have been in love with a man (my first love) for over 20 years

the long and short of it is i live on the east coast and him on the west coast

he emailed me right after my marraige fell apart and it fell apart hard, i have one child

 

the other man (love of my life) contacted me 3 weeks after my seperation, (oh yes i was very very insecure and vulnrable) i new he was married, he of course told me the entire, "my marriage has flaws, we almost split 2 years ago, and on and on. Before i new it we started longing to be together, he said he wanted to leave her but had to be very gentle in that area, (they had no children)

 

he asked about my finacial records "so i know were we are at as your debt will be mine" we talked about my child and i said no meeting until you have moved out and you are on your own, and the mm agreed. We pretty much maped out our future together, he would send me realestate listings of homes, i did tell him we would move to be with him,we would see each other at least once every 2 months we were in constant contact through our black berrys and email and phone calls.

 

he left his wife in December of 2008 and flew to spend Christmas with us and this was the first time he would meet my child, he stayed 2 days and left as there was an accident back home and he was needed there.

 

all the while reassuring me everything "would be ok it will all work out for us". he ended up having to stay with her until she was well enough to be on her own. He once again left in June of 2009 flew to see us and then on to work and then home to a "friends place" until he could find a condo, all the while still professing his love for me and forming a bond with my child through emails and phone calls, my child needed a male figure and had this with him. He reassured me all the time as i was worried about the relationship with my child etc.... (i waited until he was free and clear before he met my child i was very careful in that respect as my child had been through enough)

 

we went to visit him my child and I and stayed for almost 2 weeks, although i did notice a bit of a decline (nothing to serious) in I m's and emails once we returned it was not that much so i did not worry.

 

we did talk about how it was very different for him (the child) but once again he reassued me that all was fine and we would be fine.

 

he finally moved out of his friends place (so he says) and into a condo, he continude the "i love you more that anything" and "cant wait to see you baby" and then the very next day mid august i get and email to say

"i am not totally committed to this relationship and please dont call me as i have nothing to say i have said all i am willing to and remember the good times etc....... then he shut everything off on the blackberry, I m is gone email everything.

 

so i am left without closure and I am thinking now that I was used and none of the relationship was real, this man met my friends and my family new him from when we dated at teenagers. My child omg he did not even mention my child in the email not a word.

 

i am devistated and i do not even know if he left his wife or if all of this was just some big lie, how do you promise a single mom (who by the way found out also that i am sick and will be ok but he also said "no worries baby i will be there for you and my child through all of this) all of what you did and then close the door walk away and never speak to this person again who does that. i mean lets face it if he wanted some cheap affaire then why travel across the country he could have cheated where he lives.

 

why me with all that he new i was going through, why did he talk about our life down the road and tell my child things about our future together

i just do not get this at all.

 

I feel betrayed and i feel awful for his wife, i cant believe i was so sucked in and all of this is a lie.

 

any help would be a blessing

[MistyK]

Ok, You will probably get a whole lot more repsonses and much more sympathy if you post this on the "Other Woman/Other Man" forum than here in Infidelity.

 

It sounds like he never really seperated from his wife. Classic cake-eater. The line about "I have said all I am willing to" - wtf does that mean? Obviously he's kept a lot from you and has no intention of discussing it with you. More than likely his W found out about you two and he decided to recommit to the M. He is an oppurtunistic jerk, I'm sorry to say. You must be heartbroken. I think it'd make me the maddest that he involved your child (I get all momma-bear about that kind of thing).

 

I'm so sorry this is happening to you. Sometimes MM will go to great lengths to plan a life with you but plans with the W are never off the table. My xMM moved out (and as far as I know he is still out) for 6 months, but the whole time he kept gaslighting his wife and making her think he'd come home. He even told me on a couple occasions that he wanted to go home. Although he didn't go home, I never shook the feeling of still being his mistress and even he admitted that he kept his W hanging on as "plan B", "just in case it doesn't work out between us". YUCK!!!

[doe111]

thanks so much for replying, I am not sure how to post this on the other site but i will try, yep my close friends also agree that he lied and never left the wife, i am just mortified that i let myself be sucked into this and that my child has suffered by it.

[Owl]

I'd say that his wife found out, and now he's fighting to save his marriage.

 

She insisted he send an "NC message" which is exactly what he did.

 

It sounds as though when push came to shove and he had to make a decision...he threw you under the bus.

 

I've no doubt it hurts, but at this point all you can do is to pick up the pieces and move on.

[foreal]

Doe

 

I feel so bad for you...this MM is a first class Ahole... he sucked you and your kid in. It is one thing to cheat on your W, to lead the OW on, it is a whole other category when MM includes a kid in his fantasy bullshyt.

 

You tried to do the right thing... you did not want to introduce your child to just anyone. You thought MM was THE ONE.

 

You are not a fool. You are woman with a child who was taken advantage of.

 

Now you need to be kind to yourself. Yes, you made a big mistake. But it doesn't have to define you, or your child.

 

You may want to consider some IC to have someone to talk to...do you have any close friends you can confide in? If so, let them help you see your strong, resilient side....it's there, you just have to dig deep sometimes to see and feel it.

[MistyK]

thanks so much for replying, I am not sure how to post this on the other site but i will try, yep my close friends also agree that he lied and never left the wife, i am just mortified that i let myself be sucked into this and that my child has suffered by it.

 

Yeah. Since he apparently lives far away from you, it'd be easy enough for him to get away with. It was obviously bound to blow up sooner or later, so it really is better sooner rather than later. Please don't take his actions as a reflection on you. It's not about you, it's about how it is ALL ABOUT HIM. He is selfish and opporunistic to boot. Harness the anger, it'll make it easier for a little while.

[2sure]

You were duped. I am currently the BS in my own life and I have also been duped.

 

To be fooled this way is incomprehensible to most people. To fool someone who is vulnerable and her child is beyond cruelty and understanding. Before marrying my farce of H - I was also a vulnerable single mother. Why me I ask myself.

 

I have no real answer for you but can tell you what gives me some strength to at least cope while I move forward.

 

He manipulated you. You were vulnerable and easily manipulated. He was thorough and offered you exactly what you needed him to. He offered to you anything that would make this fantasy, this virtual life of his...seem tangible and real. He got way too caught up in it.

 

The thing here that you have to hold onto is that being vulnerable is ok. We all are at various points in our life. It need not be a permanent state. It doesnt define who you are. Being vulnerable , being duped, believing crap..doesnt equate to being stupid or naive or incapable. You are facing the right direction NOW, so just remember that.

 

For me, after discovering I have been betrayed and fooled in this way...that I was , via him, living a lie and including my daughter in it...

Sharing it, selectively, helped bring some truth to my life. Bringing the lie to the light...brings you out of the darkness.

 

Also. Tell his wife. Right now, YOU and your child are the victims of his actions. Even you are blaming yourself to a degree. Telling her will make him the victim and relieve you of this status. Telling her will also give you back a piece of the human dignity he has taken. Its hard, I know. And she may not be receptive and you may never learn the outcome. But its the right and healthy thing to do when one has been deceived to this degree. Its human kindness and integrity brought forth out of the dark. Doing that will give you back a little of your control and give her the chance to stop the lie her life is.

[PhoenixRise]

OP

 

I think you made a good effort to do the right thing by your child in being selective about when to introduce this man into the mix.

 

He is a POS to have brought your child into this mess by playing at being a stable male influence when clearly, he was not free.

 

But Your child has you. You can be strong and capable.

 

The important thing is that you are doing what is right for yourself and your child now.

[doe111]

you are all so wonderful and you have know idea how much this is helping me, I thank all of you from the bottom of my heart. I have written about 6 emails to him, his wife, his friends his boss pretty much anyone I can think of. I have not sent one.(kind of helped a bit to get it down in an email) I can not bring myself to send them as I can not afford to have him go nuts (I am affraid after this happening, I DO NOT EVEN KNOW THIS PERSON wow almost 2 years and i really do not know this person) i have a child that has been emotionaly let down by there dad and now this man, so I am hesitant to send anything to him. Signing up on this today was the best thing i have done in a long time, I thank you again

[foreal]

Doe, how old is your son/daughter?

 

I would not send any emails/contacts to his W or him etc.....you never know what kind of wacky W she is, how wacky he is etc..and with a child, I would not risk anything more.

[doe111]

my child is 10 years old and is my world

[2sure]

Just to address what you said regarding your hesitancy to send the emails. I understand. You question yourself: If this man is capable of this breathtaking crime , what else is he capable of?? And: Clearly, he is insane and unstable.

 

Valid points for sure. BUT: Believe me - this man is a coward. He doesnt have the b*lls to live a real life. He is afraid of his wife. He went after a vulnerable woman because thats all he can take on.

 

The image he gave of himself to you? The one where is a provider and protector? Its bull****. He is a crybaby Bit*h.

[foreal]

So probably just starting 4th or 5th grade-

 

Has he/she asked you what's up with MM?

 

If yes, I hope you are providing limited answers..he/she doesn't have to know any gory details- ....something along the lines of:

 

"It just did not work out... it had nothing to do with you... sometimes grown ups have relationships that don't work out but no matter what happens, my love for you will never ever go away and you are the most important person in my life"

 

(((Doe)))

[foreal]

Just to address what you said regarding your hesitancy to send the emails. I understand. You question yourself: If this man is capable of this breathtaking crime , what else is he capable of?? And: Clearly, he is insane and unstable.

 

Valid points for sure. BUT: Believe me - this man is a coward. He doesnt have the b*lls to live a real life. He is afraid of his wife. He went after a vulnerable woman because thats all he can take on.

 

The image he gave of himself to you? The one where is a provider and protector? Its bull****. He is a crybaby Bit*h.

 

He is a crybaby Bit*h FOR REAL!!

 

But who knows what his W is like??...normally I am all for obliterating MM, but Doe has a kid and who knows what W will do..there are some crazy ass women out there. I say don't risk it.

[doe111]

funny that you used the word "coward"

 

when I had to tell my child that our future and this man was not going to happen my child asked "is he going to call me and tell me too mom" (because of course i did not want to tell my child all the details) I had to tell him that "well he really just does not want to talk to us and it is for the better", my child is very perseptive and said, "mom he is a coward for not talking to me".

 

so yes i do have to agree with you he is very much a coward

 

and maybe in time down the road i just might send that email to his wife, I have a feeling she blames herself for the issues in that marriage, but for now i am going to focus on myself and my child and my illness. I have ordered the book "how to love yourself" as i have never done anything like this (mm) and i am not proud of it and need to relook at myself and make sure that this NEVER happens again.

 

and yes he has NO BALLS

[doe111]

oh yes my child has limited info, i did say it did not work out however my child wanted to talk to him and i did the best i could and just said he really does not want to talk to us so lets let it be and of course i said it had nothing to do with them it was the distance etc.... so my child is ok with that but not ok that he did not call and say good bye or anything

[doe111]

sorry to ask but as i said i am very new to this can you tell me what NC - BS - POS mean thanks

[freestyle]

NC= no contact

 

BS=betrayed spouse

 

POS= piece of ....(rhymes with wit)

 

Welcome to Acronym Land. It confused me at first too, but you`ll start

gleaning from context the more you read here.....................

 

(wouldn`t it be nice if someone posted an acronym dictionary for the newbies?)

 

Sending you a cyberhug for the pain you and your child are in.His actions were completely deplorable.

[doe111]

thanks so much and thanks for the hug

[freestyle]

What the heck, here`s a few more:

 

CS=cheating spouse

WS=wayward spouse

OP=other person OR original poster (check context)

AP=affair partner

 

 

hope that helps.............and you`re welcome:)

[MistyK]

NC= no contact

 

BS=betrayed spouse

 

POS= piece of ....(rhymes with wit)

 

Welcome to Acronym Land. It confused me at first too, but you`ll start

gleaning from context the more you read here.....................

 

(wouldn`t it be nice if someone posted an acronym dictionary for the newbies?)

 

Sending you a cyberhug for the pain you and your child are in.His actions were completely deplorable.

 

You know, that's an excellent idea for a thread. Why don't you start one?

[freestyle]

thanks, maybe I will.but which forum?hmmmmmmmm.......................?suggestions, anyone?

[JumpinJimmy]

Doe, I am sorry to hear of the heartache that you child has gone through. He/she did not deserve it, nor posess the skill set to handle it. You on the other hand, knowingly got involved with a married man. I am not going jump on board and cry a river, you should have know better. Some lessons are learned the hard way, this one's yours.

[doe111]

oh yes I am not wanting you to "jump on the band wagon and cry a river" I know what i did was wrong and I do think that the heartache is part of the punishment and trust me it wont be happening again, i am still in shock looking back that I would even do anything like this but I will tell you my position at that time of my life was terrible and this is no excuse at all but looking back now he totally took advantage of my heart already being demolished.

 

so with that said YES BIG LESSON LEARNED

 

thanks for your reply i do appriciate it

[JumpinJimmy]

By the way you last post sounds, it appears that you wrote that with a little anger...good. Pity for oneself is such a useless emotion that makes you weak. Now you should feel anger at him too..he deserves it much more than you.