Out of sight, out of mind?

[SunnySad]

My ex and I talked he told me that all arguing really took a toll on his feelings for me, he lost so much. He says with the way he feels right now he cannot be with me ever. He says when he sees me he wants to be with me and has some feelings for me but when he goes home he does not want to be. Clearly this is a case of our of sight out of mind.

 

We were together for 9 months he broke it off with me over a month ago. He says I always tend to put a time frame on things and I sense that he does feel pressured to try and mark it work but he says that right now its not in his heart to work things out with me and he does not want to work it out yet, then when we go out he says you make it so hard for me not to want to be with you and just give me time..... he is so hot/cold it is insane.

 

I do not know if I should proceed with n/c or l/c , i know he needs time alone to heal and decide on his own without my intervention but this whole out of sight out of mind feelings he is having right now scare me.

 

Please any advice is greatly appreciated...

[ladymistique]

Hon, I am so sorry you're in this situation. I would suggest backing off completely, full no contact. If you have to tell him anything before implementing No Contact, it is that you are respecting his wishes and that you will give him time. Then you go about your business, do not wait for him, do not check up on him, do not be available to him and do not pressure him. Because while this No Contact thing may seem like you are doing it for him, you are doing it for YOU. You get to figure out what you want from this relationship, if anything, and you get to retain your dignity and show him that you will not chase after him and pressure him. Win-Win, as far as I can see. If he comes back, great, if not, be thankful you did not demean yourself by pressuring him further. Remember, out of sight, out of mind can work both ways. Stay strong.

[Beeotch]

That situation can only be an emotional disaster for you.

 

I definitely believe NC is best when dealing with someone who is hot and cold. That wishy-washy, I-want-you- now- I-don't dynamic will emotionally rip you apart!

 

So far his stronger sentiments have been: I don't feel like working it out, when you're not around I don't miss you.

 

Those are 2 HUGE CLUES!

 

For your scenario. NC is best!

 

If you love and care and want to be with someone...even if you have to break up and cant be with them...you at least miss them. At least he is being honest about those things. As horrible as it is, he is actually telling you the truth so it is up to you to heed his words. A bad person would have pretended to be interested and willfully manipulated things but he is telling you the real deal. So listen!

 

The only people I forget about when they;re not around are those I don't like that much...those I can take or leave. I have no deep feelings for them. If I hear from them cool...or if we hang out I might be attracted,....but once they're gone it doesn't bother me. That is NOT what you want in a relationship.

 

Make the decision for yourself to go NC and it will give you a much clearer eprspective on what you want and need. But hanging around or talking to him so he will remember to miss you...no....I cannot see that working out at all. I feel you will only be dragged along until he finally decides that he truly cannot be bothered.

 

I suggest giving yourself the power and making the decision to go NC for yourself and not wait until HE has had enough to cut you loose AGAIN. Give him ALL the space in the world he wants...because you know what? If someone wants you, they do. Time apart is not going to make them forget you....TRUST ME! So if he doesn't want you when you are not around...that says ALOT!

[mimiminx]

I have to agree with Beeotch-

My SO is wishy washy as well. Not so much hot and cold, but he's definitely on the fence. Give him all the space he needs and more when he realizes he may not like the "space" he asked for!! Believe me, you cannot intervene in whatever he's going through! In this case, NC is really the only way. I am 'NC'ing' him now (after a 3 week period of him persisting and contacting me and it not getting anywhere but heartache) and yes, it's true.. time apart will not make them forget you if they really love you. That's for sure.

"Absence is to love as wind is to fire; it extinguishes the small and kindles the great"- A quote that helps me. If a love is strong and true from both sides, no time apart can make a difference. If it isn't.... when the love is weak (or small), why would you want it anyway? Just my input.

I know, "out of sight, out of mind" is scary. In some cases, out of sight, out of mind just isn't the case.. if the love is strong. In others, it is. (see above quote)