cristinax Posted September 10, 2009 Posted September 10, 2009 Hi, sorry this is a long one! i could do with some advice though! I feel like ever since my friend from back home (lets call her Lisa) started uni 3 years ago, she has dumped all of her of old friends (myself included) in favor of new ones. We go to neighbouring universities so meeting up was never a hassle. She has always been invited to my social events, including birthday parties and nights out with all my uni friends whom she knows pretty well, but has rarely invited us to her dos. she's always been a little like this, even when she was at college. The situation worsens whenever she has added a boyfriend to the equation. she will literally drop off the radar totally. I wont hear from her for months and then when they break up, she will call me for "girly time" and literally talk about herself and her problems, bitch about them and get upset and whiney. I will try as best I can to help and console her but i cant help but feel sidelined. As of the past month, Lisa has got herself a new boyfriend with whom she seems really happy with and i'm happy for her. However, I am now so frustrated with the latest thing thats happened. :mad: I recently moved into my new place with my boyfriend and as she didnt make it to the housewarming (she decided to go to a uni mate's party at last minute despite me telling her WEEKS previously to have that date free) we decided she should come over whilst my boyfriend is away for the week and spend some quality girl time together. She didnt respond for ages to my texts when i asked about sorting details, and when she finally called me today she told me that not only would the few days we originally had planned have to be condensed into one, but her boyfriend would be bringing her over early on the day and COULD HE STAY OVER TOO?!! Not only that, she asked me, whilst he was in the room with her so i couldnt exactly say anything without looking harsh. I'm so annoyed. It was meant to be quality mate time but instead i'm gonna be third wheel at my own place. It wouldn't have been so bad if we had planned this, but she literally dropped it there and then on the phone and i'm getting sick of it. what do i do??? any advice is much appreciated x
writergal Posted September 10, 2009 Posted September 10, 2009 Your friend sounds very self absorbed and clearly she has her own agenda, which you and your needs are at the very bottom of. Yes. You are justified in feeling neglected because she's definitely neglecting her friendship with you, putting herself and her new boyfriend first. Personally if it were me and she blew off my housewarming party, that would have been the last straw. After that I would have lowered her to "casual acquaintance" status and no longer expect ANYTHING from this woman. I think that's the best action you can take at this point; no expectations anymore. Your friend is not acting like a good friend. She's acting more like an acquaintance. I mean, she put you on the spot when you invited her to stay over while your boyfriend was away, asking you with her new boyfriend in the room if he could spend the night there for 1 night too? IF this isn't another red flag to you that you should avoid this woman in the future, then I don't know what to tell you. I will say this, her behavior is deplorable. And it's only going to get worse and hurt you more in the long run if you continue to invest any emotional energy into trying to make a good friendship with this woman work. I went through something similiar that I posted about in the friends forum. After 2 years of being good acquaintances with a woman, I got fed up with her self absorbed behavior of never inviting me out or always rejecting my social invites, and finally emailed and told her so. She hasn't responded which tells me she's nothing but a fair weather friend in the end. I think you have given your friend 1 to many chances to reciprocate good friendship to you, the way you have towards her. But each time, from your post it seems like she's acted like a very shallow person with no regards for your feelings. Why would you want to continue investing yourself in this person when she's made it clear she has no respect for you? Since you have a boyfriend and other good friendships, perhaps you should let your friendship with this awful woman fade into the background, and spend more time focusing on the good people who reciprocate your friendship and spend time with those people, developing those good connections. This woman does not deserve your time. If you stop texting, emailing and calling her and just downgrade her to a casual acquaintance you randomly run into on the street, well, that will be better for you in the long term, don't you think? Stop investing your energy and attention into this friendship. It's a waste of your time because she's shown you how little regard she has for your feelings or time. You deserve far better treatment. And even if you confront her about her behavior, I highly doubt she'll even acknowledge her bad behavior to you and apologize. Most likely she'll just blow it off and repeat her bad behavior again and disappoint you. It's unfortunate but some people you just can't change. And it sounds like this is who this woman is, and you can accept that she will constantly let you down and not be bothered by it, or you can get fed up and stop spending time with her. Do what you think is best.
Author cristinax Posted September 10, 2009 Author Posted September 10, 2009 You're so right!! I know that she would never consider her behaviour to be out of order and she definately wouldn't apologise - I've seen that attitude when other friends have had problems with her. It is difficult in a way because we've had a nine year friendship and i guess remembering so many of the good times it's pretty hard to just let it slide, but I agree with you; she's treated me like a stranger for far too long now so maybe the aquaintance relationship is best for us. I've been thinking that I may just text her on the day she's meant to come over and say I'm not well haha. I think it would annoy me too much now if she was to come over now. I'm sorry to hear you have been through it too. Its so good you just went ahead and told this woman how you felt; can't believe she didn't respond to your email though! Just goes to show her true self I guess. Its just ridiculous how we feel like we have to fight to get our "friends" attention sometimes. Thanks for your help writergal :)x
writergal Posted September 10, 2009 Posted September 10, 2009 You've put up with her treating you like this for 9 years? Wow. That's a long time! Just remember that what you choose is what you'll have, and what you allow is what will continue. If you choose to keep her friendship in your life, you'll have a woman who doesn't think about other people's needs before her own. If you allow your friend to continue to treat you this way without taking care and putting up healthier boundaries (whatever that means to you), her selfish behavior will continue to hurt you. Life is too short, as one poster told me, to let fair weather friends waste your time. Good luck and I hope it all works out for you!
freestyle Posted September 10, 2009 Posted September 10, 2009 .................if you permit it...................... ...................you promote it..........................
Author cristinax Posted September 10, 2009 Author Posted September 10, 2009 lol God no! If it had been going on for 9 years, I would have gone insane! Its only been since she started university 3 years ago that she started shying me off. Honestly, I know it doesn't sound like it but I'm not a doormat. I have deleted a few people out of my life who have been no good for me. Its only because she was my best friend for so long-6 years before the problems started! Thanks for the advice; I definately appreciate it and will take it into account when I speak to her tomorrow.
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