FateLess Posted September 10, 2009 Posted September 10, 2009 I have no one to talk to about this and I registered here especially for that reason. There's no one else I could posibly tell all this. No one would understand. I've been in a long distance relationship for 3 and a half years now. We used to be really in love, we used to make plans to get married in the future. Everything was perfect even if the distance existed. He's always been really caring and loving to me, and he's given it his all into our relationship no matter how hard it is to maintain it. He loves me a lot, he's always telling me how much he loves me and it's recently that I had time to myself and ending up realizing that I probably don't love him as much as he loves me. The distance is huge, we live in different countries, and can't meet at all often. Lately I've been worried that next time we meet, which will probably be months from now, things won't feel the same between us. That we won't connect the same way we do and that things will be different. That anxiety created other fears and doubts in my mind, and it is something that has caused me to feel devastated and keeps me up all night. I have bad dreams about this, I sleep for the most two hours because of it, and I just can't seem to be able to snap out of it. Maybe it doesn't make sense when I talk about it now, but that's how it feels. In the end, I couldn't keep it to myself and decided to tell him about it. He was heart broken and felt ill when I told him, which made me feel as guilty as I could be. I never want to hurt him but I did. He told me that if I truly loved him I wouldn't have any doubts or fears. I kept telling him that I do love him, but I just can't seem to be able to get rid of these fears and thoughts. I really am getting tired of this. I don't sleep at night, I don't have the courag to do anything at all, I can't study, I can't eat, and I can't have a moment of peace where I won't be worrying about things. I talked to him on the phone and he was crying; that crushed me more than anything. I feel like I'm under pressure a lot lately, as if my whole life's been planned out and everything will happen according to that plan if I stay with him. I don't want to lie to myself anymore, I can't stand this anymore, and I don't want to hurt him. He says I'm his everything, all he lives for, and he can't live without me. He even told me that if I leave him, he'll be just as good as dead, a walking dead person. And that there will be no one who will love me as much as he loves me. After that, he tells me that I should go ahead and do whatever makes me feel happy, but how can I feel happy with just about anything, when I know that if I leave him he'll be lifeless? He's kept a distance from his friends, I've been encouraging him to get friends and spend time with them, but he does nothing on his own to help the situation. He tells me he wants me to be happy above all, but at the same time he keeps making me feel guilty about the state I'll leave him in. I even thought of staying with him for the rest of my life like he wants me to so that he can be happy and okay, even though I know I'll never be happy that way. He doesn't realize that it hurts me the same way it hurts him. He thinks I'm alright and I'll be even better if I leave him and he'll be ''as good as lifeless'' like he says. Instead, he's making me feel like I'm a horrible, terrible person, responsible for making his life hell, and I can't bear that weight on my shoulders. I feel like I'm drowning. I feel sick the whole time, my studies have been going downhill and I feel like I'll never feel relieved or okay again. It got me to the point where I even think about suicide, so that I won't be able to hurt him anymore and I won't have to cause him to feel so bad anymore. My hands feel weak as I type this. I love him, but I can't handle being in this relationship anymore. It's hurting the both of us, and I'll never be happy or okay again in it. But they again, if he turns to be all lifeless like he says he will if I leave him, it'll be even worse. I feel trapped where I am now. I will always care about him and love him in a way I'll never be able to do for anyone, but I have to let him go. I'll be his friend forever and support him through everything but he doesn't want me to be with him if we're not a couple. I wish he would understand...I hate myself right now because of the way I'm feeling... Please help, anyone...
mimiminx Posted September 10, 2009 Posted September 10, 2009 I'm so sorry... but you can't stay with him out of pity because that's what you'd be doing. If you're having nagging doubts, it is only fair to let him go (for now, maybe forever). It would be unfair to you and him if you stay in a relationship that you were having doubts about. Believe me it's hard, I'm on the receiving end of a breakup of a loving, wonderful 2 year relationship. Please be true to yourself.. don't let him make you feel guilty although I don't think he's trying to do that, he's just being honest. You have to be honest with yourself.. it's the only way. Just be honest, you can't lose.
Author FateLess Posted September 10, 2009 Author Posted September 10, 2009 I know I can't stay with him out of pitty..But at the same time I have no idea what to do...I don't know how I could possibly tell him, what to say to him...Everytime I try to tell him he says all these things and they make me feel crushed and I can't seem to be able to hurt him. I've tried to but he doesn't seem to understand no matter how I try talk him through it...What could I possibly do...?
Author FateLess Posted September 10, 2009 Author Posted September 10, 2009 I don't know if anyone wants to help or anything but...I really need some help now..I feel like the more I wait for things to progress the worse it will become...I just don't know what to do...
hoping2heal Posted September 10, 2009 Posted September 10, 2009 Firstly, it sounds like he is aware you want to end things, and he says these things to guilt and manipulate you. He's trying to make a square fit into a circle. You are doing him no favors, nor yourself. If I knew my partner didn't want to be with me there is no way I could stay. He has a lot to learn about love and relationships, and that's okay. It doesn't make him a bad person, he just needs to realise that manipulating someone into being with you; is a sign that you don't actually love and appreciate them OR yourself. It's going to be hard, it's going to hurt, you will feel guilty. It's not a fun thing to do, but it will hurt you both FAR worse to stay in a relationship you are not actually happy in. Expect him to pull out the cards, be prepared for that but have courage and make a comittment to yourself to having integrity and doing what is right, for both of you. Afterall, you BOTH deserve someone who loves and cares for you and neither one of you can give eachother that under the circumstances.
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