Night Posted September 10, 2009 Posted September 10, 2009 First off I'd like to say that my girlfriend is the most perfect person (for me). There is only one thing that bother's me and thats her past. When I met her I was a virgin, I had other girlfriends it just never went that far. Shes had a couple of boyfriends.I don't really care about the amount of boyfriends or how long the relationships were that doesnt bother me. What does bother me is that my girlfriend had a girlfriend. She tells me she had bad experiencies with men so she decided to try something new.She told me she didnt like it, but that was only after i told her it made me unconfortable, before then she would pay it no mind. After further questioning she said things like "I did it to be more intresting".."It didn't feel right"... she would also wear rainbows(which she no longer does thanks to my doing) and i have made her cry on several occasion not intentially. But the thing is i would run into pictures and drawings(girlfriends an artist) of her and her ex. and it would make me mad.They went out for like 2 and a half months she says after the first week and a half she tried to end it but didn't know how and just let it drag on until it died.Sorry if i dragged on but I don't know what to do,I don't know if Im jealous or what.It really hurts me we've been together for almost a year. sometimes i feel like getting with another girl ir something..Can someone tell me how to get over this?
ReturnToSender Posted September 10, 2009 Posted September 10, 2009 Okay hrmm.. Im going to venture to guess that you are not so much upset about her past and holding her accountable for something she did before the two of you even became involved (since that would be really unreasonable) and have the feeling that instead...this may be a matter of being uncomfortable with her values in relation to yours... Im just gathering this from how you made her stop wearing anything with rainbows, how angry you get over seeing photos/drawings the artist had of her and her ex together, and that you dont mind at all the former men that she has been involved with. I think since homosexuality is something you feel strongly about, that you should talk to her to see if your values and beliefs are compatible. I would have a very hard time being involved with someone who felt strongly against LGBT...though Im a non-practicing bi-, as I have no desire to be with anyone else other than my "bf", that doesnt make me straight..and anyone who is with me is going to have to accept that I am who I am, as well as accept my family members and friends who are gay or bi-. You have the right to that too...to have your beliefs and to be with someone who shares the same beliefs..otherwise its going to cause one of you a lot of pain at some point or another. You shouldnt have to feel all this anger and resentment for who is is...and she shouldnt have to feel ashamed and change herself to be who you want her to be. And she most definitely cannot change her past to please you..its there to stay.
Author Night Posted September 10, 2009 Author Posted September 10, 2009 We jointly have openly gay friends. Its just that seeing the rainbows and the pictures just reminded me of them.I have no problems with gay people. Im not saying i would go to parades and all that. Its just that relationship really bothers me. i apriciate ur reply though but i just want to know if there is something I can do to get over it I love her to death.
ReturnToSender Posted September 10, 2009 Posted September 10, 2009 This I do not know...It baffles me that you have no problem with homosexuality, but only have a problem with the relationship she had with the woman..not at all with the guys. Hrmm...was it something about the woman in particular? Was she cruel? Abusive? Hurtful in some way towards her that causes you to feel so angry about the relationship? why does it bother you? As I said, her past cannot be changed... Its just one of those things that comes with the territory of any relationship.
Paragon Posted September 10, 2009 Posted September 10, 2009 You need to address the meta-problem of the situation. WHAT specifically about this past relationship bothers you? And WHY specifically does it affect you this way? Does it work the same if you think about her past relationships with other men? These questions will help illuminate the issue at hand and help us get you over what you need to in order to have peace of mind.
Author Night Posted September 10, 2009 Author Posted September 10, 2009 The men dont bother me because I know deep down im better then them. Maybe its because it was a woman and I'm not one that it bothers me you know. Like how do I know for sure thats not what she wanted. The other guys have had better bodies me (she dated a model) and it doesnt bother me.I mean of course if she brings them up it would bother me but no more then it would bother me she telling me bradd pitt is hot.this is both of our longest relationship and i really want to make it work.
ReturnToSender Posted September 10, 2009 Posted September 10, 2009 Ahh! Okay, well...if thats what she wanted, she would be with a woman right now...she is where she wants to be, and thats with you. Physically, while it is much different being with a woman than with a man...it has been much different from one man to the next. Guys arent all the same, and they dont all do the same things...it all really just boils down to technique, not whos doing what and what sex they may be. As I said..I have no desire to be with anyone other than my "bf" I dont miss what Ive been able to do with any other woman..or any other man for that matter. He is who Im with...and he is who I want.... Jealousy of any sort..especially if shes done nothing to give you any indication for the angst you feel...will only poison what could well be a totally loving and completely satisfying relationship. Jealousy is kind of like driving in your car...you keep your eye on the road, and youll keep going forward... you look at a wreck on the side of the road..if you keep your eye on it long enough, youll start driving right into it. You need to catch yourself and put your eye back on the road ahead...that wreck on the side of the road has nothing to do with you...its not going to get in your way unless you focus on it, and make it a problem.
Author Night Posted September 10, 2009 Author Posted September 10, 2009 I wish it was that simple... I see what your saying but its hard... she told me she would of never done it if she knew about me and how it would make me feel... but how do I stop myself from thinking about it?did your "bf" have any similar problems?
ReturnToSender Posted September 10, 2009 Posted September 10, 2009 No...he had no problem at all, about this or anything else I felt he needed to know. I told him and he was completely respectful and it was really a non-issue....sort of like when he mentioned to me he was a vegetarian. Literally. Didnt change or have any effect on our relationship, cause theres nothing to change or affect. Ive run into guys who were either uncomfortable by it or turned on by it...both instant deal breakers for me....I like to find out early on whether or not someone can accept me as I am or not, before becoming emotionally involved. I understand that its hard though...I mean, just like how you get what Im saying in theory...I get what youre feeling in theory. In practice...jealousy isnt something I totally get so while for me its simple, I do get how complicated it makes things for those who feel it. This really is something where youll need to weigh your relationship to your feelings on the matter. If she and what you have with her is worth putting this aside...it might be a good idea to do so. She seems to be going over and beyond to do her part to put your fears to rest...you have to take it the rest of the way and resolve this within yourself.
Author Night Posted September 10, 2009 Author Posted September 10, 2009 Thank you for your help I mean it.
ReturnToSender Posted September 10, 2009 Posted September 10, 2009 I really do hope that it helped in some sort of positive way..best of luck to you!
Paragon Posted September 10, 2009 Posted September 10, 2009 The men dont bother me because I know deep down im better then them. Maybe its because it was a woman and I'm not one that it bothers me you know. Like how do I know for sure thats not what she wanted. The other guys have had better bodies me (she dated a model) and it doesnt bother me.I mean of course if she brings them up it would bother me but no more then it would bother me she telling me bradd pitt is hot.this is both of our longest relationship and i really want to make it work. Attraction is not a choice. I'm sure there were some things she liked about being with a girl, but from what she's revealed to you, it doesn't seem like it's a huge thing for her. She tried out an illogical solution (it SEEMED logical to her) to solve her problem of having bad experiences with men, and now it's over. The key to accepting/dealing with this is realizing what is truly is--your gf had a previous partner who happened to be a woman. She was seeking out something that she wasn't getting before and obviously still did not get, otherwise another girl would have been her next choice. Also, if you're worried that another girl can give your gf something you can't, why not elicit her values, needs, and see what she is truly looking for? Pay attention to the message behind her words, find the meta-answer (the answer behind the answer). This way you can evaluate how to give her what she really wants and make her happy in the relationship. What you're experiencing is normal and just simply shows that you care for her and do not want to lose her. Transmute this energy you are using to worry about this situation into positive efforts to give her what she wants deep down.
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