finding motivation

[Goatsbreath]

help, I need to start doing something for myself. I tell myself I will start running or something, exercising, but I just never get to it. Ever sense breakup I try to tell myself to improve but I always think tomorrow, no tomorrow. I'm stuck in a unhealthy lifestyle of eating garbage and not exercising. I can't seem to shake the mindset that I will do it when xxxx happens. xxxx being anything from paying off some debt, etc, to just feeling like I'm in a better spot in life.

 

My house is a mess, my car is a mess, everything feels messy, I feel messy. I know I can not meet a girl like this although I sometimes look on dating sites but then think, I'm not ready!!! Who would want me? I can't pick up a girl in my messy car. Then I shut it down and think I need to better myself first before I meet a girl.

 

I don't have many friends in this area that I am living and I'm not really all that social. I tend to go home from work and be isolated. Then I go to to work. The only person in this area that wants to be my friend is my ex but she wants to be my friend but not my girlfriend. It's to hard, I just cant do that although sometimes its tempting because it seems its all I have.

 

I sit home everynight and wonder If I will ever meet someone, if my life will ever be more then this. Right now I'm 34. I want to get married, I want to have kids. I'm fairly attractive I guess according to others but people don't know what I feel inside. When my X left me people I knew that live far away acted like, big deal, she was no good, you are a good looking guy and will easily find another. I don't feel this way. I feel ugly.

 

I'm not really fat or anything, 160 around but I feel fat. I feel sloppy, I need to exercise and there are other things about me that I feel only I know about and they are flaws. I feel like people think I look good on the surface but if they look closer they will not think so. Sometimes I think my ex left me because of it.

 

I'm pretty shy unless you get to know me. Then I'm funny I guess but I am scared of social situations. Sometimes I start to the grocery store but panic and then go home. I don't know why?

 

I did cook dinner tonight for myself. I thought it would make me feel productive so I did some dishes and cooked dinner but I didn't really enjoy the dinner. It felt like failure again or maybe just a waist of time. I did the dishes before I cooked dinner but it only reminded me why I hate my kitchen and how I don't really like where I'm living. I just moved in here and its messy. ahhhh

 

I feel all alone

[Rudderless]

From what you say I think part of your problem is that you've piled so many things up on top of each other and don't know where to start in sorting them out. It can be overwhelming to have such a large list of things you want to do and can detract from getting on with it.

I would suggest just tackling a few small things at a time and take pride in them. You cooked dinner for yourself tonight - it's a start, congratulate yourself for it. Perhaps, yes you still have all these outstanding things, but you still took a small step - that in itself suggests you already have some form of motivation.

[Calendula]

Sadly enough, i know exactly how you feel. My slump wasn't because of a break-up though (thouth lack of support in my relationship did contribute to it), it was because of not meeting a major goal I had set for myself (finishing my PhD by a certain time). I'm still recovering from that slump, and still trying to finish all the little, tedioius, pain in the butt stuff that it takes to get to where I want to be. I don't have many current socializing friends because I've spent all my time working, so there wasn't anyone to check in on me and pull me out of my slump. I spent hours on hours watching recorded TV episodes or movies on Netflix, stayed up all night doing nothing productive, didn't want to leave the house - it was too much effort, wasn't exercising - too many things to organize to do it, wasn't doing my lab work, wasn't writing, on and on. No one was looking over my shoulder and I was sliding into the dark without anyone to lean on. I was ignoring my life because it was too much to deal with - at least I thought it was.

 

I was spending my time trying not to think about that one thing that I felt I had failed at, and by trying not to think about it I found myself just waiting. Waiting for something, anything, outside of myself to give me reason to start doing things again. Anything. Finally, someone I respect as an advisor noticed I wasn't doing too well (it was a chance meeting at a gas station) and gave me a shoulder to cry on and lean on over lunch one day. I realized I hadn't failed, I had just hit one of those tough spots that makes you stronger for surviving it. Just knowing someone was looking out for me and cared was the break I needed to start to pull back to my life.

 

I'm still working on finding my own motivation to do things that I know I need to do, even to do things that I know I want to do. I'm still getting by on doing the bare minimum and pretending lots else doesn't exist. It is so easy to be overwhelmed by everything. So many things that I should do, need to do, want to do, that I don't know where to start, and so sit paralyzed, stuck in indecision. I'm an expert at the art of procrastination.

 

Lists have helped me a lot, to a point anyway (they can be overwhelming too). Little lists of 5 things I want to do today - simple things that I know I can do anyway. I can then check them off or cross them out and feel like I've accomplished something. Short lists of household chores on the back of empty envelopes, post-it notes with grocery lists, stores to visit. Breaking the big tasks into lists of little tasks helps make big things seem more maneagable/ possible. Calendar lists of things I've done on that day so I can look at what I spent my time doing and how much time I spent doing what. Grocery lists for making a particular thing for dinner, just for myself. I used to hate cooking alone, but I've gotten used to it - at least there isn't anyone who can poo-poo my food or my choice in spices.

 

I still don't want to get up in the morning, because I have to find something productive to do that day. And I don't want to go to bed at night because it means another day of my life has ticked by and I have nothing to show for it. I suppose some would call it a form of depression, but I am determined to find some way to work through it without medication.

 

Writing helps. I've even talked to a counseler (I did all the talking). I've slowly been coming to terms with things, starting to understand why I do what I do, and finding ways of breaking my own negative cycles. Thing is, eventually you come to a point when you have to make a decision and just follow through on it without thinking about it. 'Just do it' applies here.

 

Some little things that might help: Rediscover those things that you liked before you were with your girlfriend. Get a dog or a cat from your local shelter. I know my dogs have been a great source of comfort, if only because they are always happy and always excited about being alive. They make me get up in the morning and I keep a schedule for their sake. It is also nice to have a small warm body to curl up next to at night, even if it is just a dog. Enroll in an exercise class, something like aerobics or yoga, where you don't have to decide what to do next and someone else can lead for a while. Music with a good, motivated rhythm and positive lyrics helps too.

 

Don't let what happened yesterday affect what will happen today. Why live in the past? It is over and gone and you can't do anything to change it. Look forward to today, and then to tomorrow. One day at a time, one hour at a time, one minute at a time. That is how you put your life back together again. Do one thing, it will lead you to the next thing, and to the next. Eventually, just one more little thing each day will lead you back to the person you want to be. Little steps, and revell and take pride in each one you take.

 

Start with the dishes, then clear off your kitchen table, put your shoes away, get the trash out of your car, do your laundry, clean off your bathroom counter, take the trash out. One thing at a time, and focus only on each task as you do it.

 

Just know, you are NOT ALONE in this. Finding self-motivation in the face of defeat or loss is one of the hardest challenges I have faced yet. And no one can do it for me. I will do this, and so can you.

[Goatsbreath]

thanks, I think I do look at to many things as you both sort of led to. There just seems so much that needs to change, this weekend I'm going to focus on maybe one, like cleaning my car. I may try to clean the apartment as well. We will see, does anyone have a good advice on a exercise routine. I don't own many weights, just two 20 lbs dumb bells. I think a exercise class would be good but its just getting over the hump of fear and actually doing it. Its not that I'm just lazy but I am also sort of afraid of the social setting. Like people will watch me or I will not know how to do any of the exercises at the gym.

[Calendula]

thanks, I think I do look at to many things as you both sort of led to. There just seems so much that needs to change, this weekend I'm going to focus on maybe one, like cleaning my car. I may try to clean the apartment as well. We will see, does anyone have a good advice on a exercise routine. I don't own many weights, just two 20 lbs dumb bells. I think a exercise class would be good but its just getting over the hump of fear and actually doing it. Its not that I'm just lazy but I am also sort of afraid of the social setting. Like people will watch me or I will not know how to do any of the exercises at the gym.

 

Just take it one thing at time and keep looking forward.

 

As far as exercise classes go, you could check with your local gyms and see what they offer, just call them up and ask. Some that I like, personally, are yoga, zumba (latin/salsa/aerobics), ballroom dancing, and pilates. To help with your social anxiety, try and find one where you can hide in the back of the room so no one is looking at you and you can just follow everone else. Don't be afraid of making a fool of yourself, no-one really cares what you look like but you, and even if they did, why should their opinion matter? You'll likely never see them again and they play no significant roles in your life.

 

If you don't like the large groups of people that you would have in a class, try and find a personal trainer, someone you would have to pay (so you would feel obliged to show up) and could work with on a daily or weekly basis to teach you the exercises you don't currently know.

 

When you actually get in your car and drive to the gym, ready to go into the class/trainer meeting/whatever, remember the following three things:

 

- no one there knows you so you can be whoever you want to be,

- you have NOTHING to loose by just doing it, getting out of your car, walking into the gym and just doing it,

- and you are doing it for YOU, so what anyone else thinks doesn't matter one little bit.

[avinash_m]

Read this Article this will help you Avinash Blog