Jump to content

So the consensus here about all MM's....


While the thread author can add an update and reopen discussion, this thread was last posted in over a month ago. Want to continue the conversation? Feel free to start a new thread instead!

Recommended Posts

Posted

...is that they:

 

1. Are all liars

 

2. They really don't love the OW

 

3. Are usually happy in their marriage and lying about the home situation

 

4. Are having sex with their wives even though some claim that their marriages are sexless

 

5. Go on vacation with the family not for the sake of "family", but to spend quality time with the wife

 

Is this all correct? This is the common theme I have heard/read as I perused the site today.

Posted

Then you haven't been reading all the posts! LOL

 

1. Yes, they are all lying while maintaining the A

2. No concensus here. Some love her, some use her

3. No consensus here. As frequently are symptoms of problems in the marriage. But having problems doesn't mean that the marriage is bad, per se, either.

4. No consensus here either. Sexless marriges do exist. Who is know for certain that a man who is lying to and on his partner is actually in one though?

5. I don't think its impoosible to do a family vacation for the sake of family. If there are children around, its unlikely that the adults will get much freetime anyway. No consensus either.

 

We haven't been reading the same posts. Either that, or I skimmed the ones that you are mentioning because they were too polarizing/general. LOL

Posted
...is that they:

 

1. Are all liars

yes- nature of the cheating beast, they gotta lie

 

2. They really don't love the OW

no, some DO truly love OW, or at least think they do..and some do not

 

3. Are usually happy in their marriage and lying about the home situation

no, some are very unhappy, some are sorta happy, none are fully satisfied (not nec w/ the sex)

 

4. Are having sex with their wives even though some claim that their marriages are sexless

not all are having sex w/ their wives, but a lot are, A LOT

 

5. Go on vacation with the family not for the sake of "family", but to spend quality time with the wife

both and some times and sometimes neither - could be sense of obligation

 

Is this all correct? This is the common theme I have heard/read as I perused the site today.

 

i am betrayed wife so take my answers for what they are worth to you!

  • Author
Posted
Then you haven't been reading all the posts! LOL

 

1. Yes, they are all lying while maintaining the A

2. No concensus here. Some love her, some use her

3. No consensus here. As frequently are symptoms of problems in the marriage. But having problems doesn't mean that the marriage is bad, per se, either.

4. No consensus here either. Sexless marriges do exist. Who is know for certain that a man who is lying to and on his partner is actually in one though?

5. I don't think its impoosible to do a family vacation for the sake of family. If there are children around, its unlikely that the adults will get much freetime anyway. No consensus either.

 

We haven't been reading the same posts. Either that, or I skimmed the ones that you are mentioning because they were too polarizing/general. LOL

 

Hmm...there are a few posts - I'd say the ones that are the top 7 on this OW board that people have actually made those comments. Trust me, NID, they're there! :)

 

I don't think my fMM was the be-all-end-all of MM's, but I now know 100% that MOST of what he told me about the marriage, their relationship, and sex (there was none) was true. Reiterating that I said MOST. I found out about 1 inaccuracy and it caused a HUGE fight, but in all honesty, it shouldn't have as it wasn't that big of a deal. Well, to ME it was a big deal, but not to my therapist when I told him about it! Lol.

  • Author
Posted
i am betrayed wife so take my answers for what they are worth to you!

BW's are people, too! ;)

Posted
Hmm...there are a few posts - I'd say the ones that are the top 7 on this OW board that people have actually made those comments. Trust me, NID, they're there! :)

 

I don't think my fMM was the be-all-end-all of MM's, but I now know 100% that MOST of what he told me about the marriage, their relationship, and sex (there was none) was true. Reiterating that I said MOST. I found out about 1 inaccuracy and it caused a HUGE fight, but in all honesty, it shouldn't have as it wasn't that big of a deal. Well, to ME it was a big deal, but not to my therapist when I told him about it! Lol.

 

Oh, please don't misunderstand what is meant by the statement that all MM are liars. Lying to one person by definition makes you a liar. And if a person can lie to the person that they live with, I think that you'd be foolish to assume that they'd never lie to you (even if it is just to spare your feelings over something trivial - remember your 1 inaccuracy?). All MM do lie. It just depends on the levels of the lying. Its not like lying is completely unforgiveable.

 

Everything that my H told his OW was true - from his perspective. But the fact that he was being intimate to her at all without my knowledge was a betrayal and a lie of omission. That made him a liar - and he knew it.

 

That's usually what is meant by the "all MM are liars" statement.

Posted

To me, the list isn't even relevant. It's not about what kind of man he is. A lot of MM are excellent men - but they have one HUGE flaw: they're married.

 

If a woman is seeing a MM and doesn't like being the OW, then she's wasting her time and needs to get out of the relationship. There is no future with a MM. If he then decides to leave his wife, then great. Either way, she wins.

 

If a woman enjoys being the OW, then I say carry on. Have a party. But those happy OW are few and far between.

Posted

1. They are lying to someone, most often themselves and at least one other partner.

 

2. I think alot of them do love the OW but they don't love anyone more than themselves. True love involves putting the other person first, above all others. They can learn this though. They just need to be taught (namely by enforcing boundaries.)

 

3. I don't think those who cheat are usually happy at home. Even if it's just a rough patch, I think the A signals something is wrong. There is always an exception to the rule, though.

 

4. I think there are plenty of sexless M's out there. So if your MM says he's not having sex with his W, there's a 50/50 chance that he's telling the truth. Or lying.

 

5. If a MM is going on vacation with his W and family, he isn't leaving anytime soon, if at all.

Posted

1. Are all liars

 

Not necessarily.. depends how you look at it..

 

2. They really don't love the OW

 

I think that in most cases, they really love the OW...

 

3. Are usually happy in their marriage and lying about the home situation

 

In a lot of cases, yes they are happy in their marriage except for the sex part..

 

4. Are having sex with their wives even though some claim that their marriages are sexless

 

In some cases ..they are ... in most cases, they aren't (not often enough anyway)

 

5. Go on vacation with the family not for the sake of "family", but to spend quality time with the wife

 

No I would say that they go for the sake of the family in most cases.

 

It's never ALL this or ALL that..

 

There are just as many A as there are relationships (common-law or marriage)...

Posted
...is that they:

 

1. Are all liars

 

2. They really don't love the OW

 

3. Are usually happy in their marriage and lying about the home situation

 

4. Are having sex with their wives even though some claim that their marriages are sexless

 

5. Go on vacation with the family not for the sake of "family", but to spend quality time with the wife

 

Is this all correct? This is the common theme I have heard/read as I perused the site today.

 

1. Yes - they are all liars, unless their wives know they are having an affair.

 

2. I have no idea if they 'love' the OW.

 

3. Definitely most of the time they lie about their home situation. If they are so unhappy, there is this new process called a divorce.

 

4. Yes, that is my belief.

 

5. I think they go on vacation to spend time as a family - which happens to include their wives.

 

And there is also a common theme of:

 

1. Not all MM lie. Well, they may lie to their wives, but NOT to the OW.

 

2. They love the OW way much more than the wife. They have never felt love like they do with the OW.

 

3. They are married to mean, nasty, ugly, fat, women who yell at them, abuse them and are cold dead fish in the bedroom. They nag all the time, they never let them go hang out with friends, they are constantly complaining and just generally nasty women who they never really loved - they were forced to get married.

 

4. They haven't had sex with their wives since the honeymoon and they only had sex then because that is what is suppose to happen. Their wives just decided they weren't going to have sex with them anymore and the men have needs.

 

5. They only want to vacation with the kids; but damnit, the wife demands to go too. They really don't even want to vacation with the kids; they prefer to take their vacations with the OW.

 

*shrug*

 

I guess we all see things differently. But from my view, the majority of the OW on here see nothing wrong with having an affair with a MM - especially because the wife is such a horrible person who has treated the MM so horribly -- it shouldn't be surprising that he has resorted to having an affair. And the OW is most loved and desired by the MM; he never cared for his wife the way he cares for her.

Posted

1. Are all liars

 

Yes. They're having an affair. Affairs are based on lying and secrecy.

 

2. They really don't love the OW

 

I think some of them do, but what the MM really loves is the attention, the affection, the adoration that the OW showers on him. He loves being loved and he loves how the OW makes him feel.

 

3. Are usually happy in their marriage and lying about the home situation

 

I'm sure many MM's are in bad marriages, but I think most of them are just bored -- bored of the daily routine, bored of their life. They want variety, perhaps the wife has been neglectful both physically and emotionally, etc. So yes, I don't believe many MM have "bad marriages," per se.

 

4. Are having sex with their wives even though some claim that their marriages are sexless

 

Again, I'm sure there are some sexless marriages, but I think most of them sleep with their wives.

 

5. Go on vacation with the family not for the sake of "family", but to spend quality time with the wife

 

I don't know about this one.

Posted

The consensus is that becoming an MM is a huge err in judgment that rarely ends in anything good.

Posted
The consensus is that becoming an MM is a huge err in judgment that rarely ends in anything good.

 

Amen to that!

Posted
Lying to one person by definition makes you a liar.

 

Thank you! And this is isn't aimed at you NID, but ALL people are liars at some point or another. And if you want to say you're not, I say you're lying lol.

 

We've all, even those who try to live spotless lives, have lied to someone about something. Even if it is to try to avoid hurting someone in a harmless sort of way (such as no, honey those jeans don't make you look fat...dinner was GREAT I didn't notice it was overcooked). MM start lying to their wives long before an A comes along, and I don't think many MW's would have it any differently.

Posted
Thank you! And this is isn't aimed at you NID, but ALL people are liars at some point or another. And if you want to say you're not, I say you're lying lol.

 

We've all, even those who try to live spotless lives, have lied to someone about something. Even if it is to try to avoid hurting someone in a harmless sort of way (such as no, honey those jeans don't make you look fat...dinner was GREAT I didn't notice it was overcooked). MM start lying to their wives long before an A comes along, and I don't think many MW's would have it any differently.

 

 

I agree with the point that everyone is a liar at some point in their life and in some way...mostly to ourselves.

 

However, I think OP was referring specifically to the things MMS say wo their OWs and BSs...not that generally they are liars.

 

But perhaps I am mistaken.

Posted

No you're right on the money DI. I get the point, just tired of people thinking it's fair to assign labels to people.

Posted

I would like to add one point:

 

6. MM does not care or interest himself in your everyday life, such as kids and economy.

Posted
...is that they:

 

1. Are all liars

When in an affair they are all lying to someone.

 

2. They really don't love the OW
some do, some don't. It's not all or nothing in either direction.

 

3. Are usually happy in their marriage and lying about the home situation
I doubt that many are truly happy in their home situation when having an affair, but most are not unhappy enough to do what they should do and divorce. Most are looking for something to help them feel better about themselves, and often that enables them to stay in the unhappy (but now not unbearable) situation.

 

4. Are having sex with their wives even though some claim that their marriages are sexless

some do, some don't. Some marriages are sexless, sometimes the guy is lying...

5. Go on vacation with the family not for the sake of "family", but to spend quality time with the wife
not a lot of quality time when the kids are around... But any downtime with family is going to include some time with the wife. Now if there are no kids? Then, yes, it's almost undoubtedly quality time with the wife.

 

And JJ's item 6. Some AP are truly interested in every facet of their OP's life, some are not. Some are in love with a person, some are infatuated with an idea, and some are just straight-up users. Every person who has an affair, though, has at least one basic issue IMO. They do not cope well with confrontation, and prefer making their own life easy by lying to someone they supposedly love, rather than taking the harder way of confronting the problems in the marriage or divorcing.

Posted

Devil Inside, I'd be particularly interested in your responses to these questions from your own experience.

 

Did you lie to the OW? (that you had to lie to your wife to maintain the affair is a given).

 

Did you/do you feel you truly loved her?

 

Were you truly unhappy/miserable at home? Were you completely honest with the OW about the state of your homelife and marriage?

 

Were you still "with" your wife, and were you honest with OW about that?

 

The time you spent with your wife and family (vacation or otherwise)...was it JUST for the kids, or were you enjoying it as time with everyone?

 

 

Not trying to call you out, my friend, but since you're one of the MM posting...I figured your honest insight to this could at least let us know what happened in your case.

  • Author
Posted
Oh' date=' please don't misunderstand what is meant by the statement that all MM are liars. Lying to one person by definition makes you a liar. And if a person can lie to the person that they live with, I think that you'd be foolish to assume that they'd never lie to you (even if it is just to spare your feelings over something trivial - remember your 1 inaccuracy?). All MM do lie. It just depends on the levels of the lying. Its not like lying is completely unforgiveable.[/quote'] I agree. I only have my own past personal experience to go on, and I know for a fact that he was lying to his wife.

It's not about what kind of man he is. A lot of MM are excellent men - but they have one HUGE flaw: they're married.
That's some truth right there. :)

 

Some men make excellent boyfriends but lousy husbands. And when they try being both at the same time... well, they're lousy at both.
Hmm...maybe. I think that sometimes, they concentrate on one relationship more than the other and when that happens, they become lousy at ONE of the relationships.

 

3. I don't think those who cheat are usually happy at home. Even if it's just a rough patch, I think the A signals something is wrong. There is always an exception to the rule, though.
Definitely agree.

 

4. I think there are plenty of sexless M's out there. So if your MM says he's not having sex with his W, there's a 50/50 chance that he's telling the truth. Or lying.
I love this one, GEL!

 

5. If a MM is going on vacation with his W and family, he isn't leaving anytime soon, if at all.
Hmm...maybe. I know in my case there was one family vacation during the tenure of the affair, and the W went for the first day of the vacation and then left the next day to go spend time with a friend. I thought that was weird, but hey, that's how their relationship was, I guess.

 

-3. Are usually happy in their marriage and lying about the home situation

 

In a lot of cases, yes they are happy in their marriage except for the sex part..

Liz-pooh, for once, I don't agree with you. I think the affair means something is off in the relationship. Could be sex, could be emotional intimacy. But something's off.

 

The consensus is that becoming an MM is a huge err in judgment that rarely ends in anything good.
I agree.

 

I would like to add one point:

 

6. MM does not care or interest himself in your everyday life, such as kids and economy.

Again, my experience here was different. My MM was involved in my daily life, and I was in his. He asked me about decisions he had to make, etc. When he was with me, he had chores, lol. We shared many daily things, but for privacy's sake, I'll have to be mum about them.

 

I doubt that many are truly happy in their home situation when having an affair, but most are not unhappy enough to do what they should do and divorce. Most are looking for something to help them feel better about themselves, and often that enables them to stay in the unhappy (but now not unbearable) situation.
I couldn't agree more.
  • Author
Posted
Devil Inside, I'd be particularly interested in your responses to these questions from your own experience.

 

Did you lie to the OW? (that you had to lie to your wife to maintain the affair is a given).

 

Did you/do you feel you truly loved her?

 

Were you truly unhappy/miserable at home? Were you completely honest with the OW about the state of your homelife and marriage?

 

Were you still "with" your wife, and were you honest with OW about that?

 

The time you spent with your wife and family (vacation or otherwise)...was it JUST for the kids, or were you enjoying it as time with everyone?

 

 

Not trying to call you out, my friend, but since you're one of the MM posting...I figured your honest insight to this could at least let us know what happened in your case.

Yes, DI - very curious. :)

  • Author
Posted

 

3. Definitely most of the time they lie about their home situation. If they are so unhappy, there is this new process called a divorce.

I don't think it's as cut and dry for them. Not that I don't agree, but every couple's dynamic(s) and situation is different.

 

4. Yes, that is my belief. I don't agree that they all still have sex with their wives.

Some do, some don't; I don't think it's wise to speculate that they ALL do one thing or another, including sex.

 

5. I think they go on vacation to spend time as a family - which happens to include their wives.

See my post above.

 

And there is also a common theme of:

 

1. Not all MM lie. Well, they may lie to their wives, but NOT to the OW.

Any OW who believes that he WOULDN'T lie if he felt he had to is delusional. I personally doubted much of what my MM said- it just so happened that mostly everything was true. And thank God for that because I would not be dating him know if I had found out otherwise.

 

2. They love the OW way much more than the wife. They have never felt love like they do with the OW.

This is a common theme of OWs? Interesting. I've never read a post of any OW who said that. How do you measure love, anyway?

 

3. They are married to mean, nasty, ugly, fat, women who yell at them, abuse them and are cold dead fish in the bedroom. They nag all the time, they never let them go hang out with friends, they are constantly complaining and just generally nasty women who they never really loved - they were forced to get married.

I bet that's the case in SOME situations - but definitely not in all. I'm harping on my fMM here, but he's the only past experience I've had in this realm, and he said very nice things about his ex-wife. Not so many nice things now! Lol.

 

4. They haven't had sex with their wives since the honeymoon and they only had sex then because that is what is suppose to happen. Their wives just decided they weren't going to have sex with them anymore and the men have needs.

I have NEVER heard about no sex since the honeymoon - who'd believe that?? But, there are some women who DO refuse their husband sex. And guess what? There are some men who do it to their wives, too!

 

5. They only want to vacation with the kids; but damnit, the wife demands to go too. They really don't even want to vacation with the kids; they prefer to take their vacations with the OW.

A father who doesn't want to vacation with his children? Now, who would believe that? And if I were still an OW, I'd be hard pressed to believe that he'd rather be with me than his children - now if he said he'd rather vacation with me AND the kids, then I could go for that. Anyway, see my post above on vacations.

 

 

*shrug*

 

I guess we all see things differently. But from my view, the majority of the OW on here see nothing wrong with having an affair with a MM - especially because the wife is such a horrible person who has treated the MM so horribly -- it shouldn't be surprising that he has resorted to having an affair. And the OW is most loved and desired by the MM; he never cared for his wife the way he cares for her.

I don't agree that the majority of OW believe what you are saying here. Some are jaded, yes, but I don't think most hold these theories.
  • Author
Posted
1. Are all liars

 

Yes. They're having an affair. Affairs are based on lying and secrecy.

 

2. They really don't love the OW

 

I think some of them do, but what the MM really loves is the attention, the affection, the adoration that the OW showers on him. He loves being loved and he loves how the OW makes him feel.

 

3. Are usually happy in their marriage and lying about the home situation

 

I'm sure many MM's are in bad marriages, but I think most of them are just bored -- bored of the daily routine, bored of their life. They want variety, perhaps the wife has been neglectful both physically and emotionally, etc. So yes, I don't believe many MM have "bad marriages," per se.

 

4. Are having sex with their wives even though some claim that their marriages are sexless

 

Again, I'm sure there are some sexless marriages, but I think most of them sleep with their wives.

Sorry, CC, I only agree with your number 1. On your 2-4, I think that's true some of the time, but not in "most cases" as you say.

Posted

You don't have to agree with my views. I wasn't asking anyone to. They are just that - MY views.

  • Author
Posted
You don't have to agree with my views. I wasn't asking anyone to. They are just that - MY views.

???? What the? Good Lord. Was that comment necessary? I mean, REALLY?

Who said you were asking for people to agree with your views? I was actually trying to be polite and answered everyone who took the time to post on this particular thread that I started....not sure what the 'tude is for. :confused: So much for trying to be polite. Oh well.

 

I will also add that it's easy for anyone to speculate on something when they haven't had the personal experience and then hindsight into a particular situation. Therefore, I added my own personal experience to what you wrote as a way to have a friendly discourse; my situation was not anything like your non-life-experienced views as I believe you are a BS - but I could be wrong as I haven't followed your posts. But...maybe that's why there's a 'tude...because this (me) FORMER OW wasn't the stereotype and actually had a decent ending.

×
×
  • Create New...