Refuses to talk, what does that say about her

[Zeta4PhiSius]

I'm healed. I've accepted that nothing else is going to happen between me and her.

 

If she's going to respond to me, she will. If she's going to want anything to do with me, she'll move mountains to email me. She has my email and phone number. I broke contact a month ago after six months with one message but haven't yet heard back.

 

That says volumes.

 

I still have days where I miss her and wish things were different of course. But they're starting to get fewer and farther between.

[NopeNah]

Crazy how the world keeps spinning and the sun does it's thing daily isn't it? It's not, nor was it ever all about them. You're still the same person as before but, only wiser.

[northstar1]

This is painful to read, I feel for you Exit.

 

It is like watching the Pavlov dog experiment, and you are still ringing the bell, except the food stopped coming a long time ago, yet you keep ringing the bell over and over again.

 

What I think is really keeping you stuck here is your pride. You are hurt and angry that she isn't replying to you. And that anger is being bottled up inside as you keep trying to rationalize how she can treat you this way.

 

I've been there dude. When I was in LC with my ex last year, months after our breakup, her responses to me would take longer and longer, sometimes weeks. It would leave me really angry that she couldn't have the respect to reply back to me. It left me hanging on for months needlessly. And yes, people on here did give me the same advice, but I was too stubborn to accept it at first.

 

One day I just realized that it didn't matter the reason she wasn't replying (ie. she was over me, didn't want to prolong healing, had met someone else etc), it really didn't. We had broken up, she owed me nothing. It's sad to say, but the months or years invested in a relationship mean NOTHING when you break up. The slate has been wiped clean, there is no Pay it Forward that is owed. I haven't had contact with my ex for 9 months, and I doubt I ever will again. Closure came from me just refusing to linger in limbo any longer, not from anything she said or did and that my own happiness came from my own choices (ie. moving on and finding someone new)

 

And honestly, I think even if your ex did send you a note to tell you to stop contacting her, you'd still have more questions for her. It is a cycle that only you can break.

 

As everyone has told you, it doesn't matter WHY she's not replying, the fact is she isn't and that's all you need to know now to move on.

 

People are giving you the advice on here that you are railing against, because we've been there. We've beaten our heads against the wall, and tried to understand why our ex's no longer care.

So, you can understand that we speak from experience. We are not trying to make you suffer, or are being cold, we want you to take control of your own happiness and move on.

[JL911]

I know where you are coming from...been there done that....I tried for 2 weeks to push her into talking, working on things, thinking being friends was a choice, and hoping and clinging...She did want to talk to me, and did want to be friends, but I accepted that it was over and I eventually gave up on her....Have been no contact ever since...I dont care if I ever speak to her again...Im going to be the bigger person and walk away...She'll figure it out, but it will all be too late...

 

Im 25 years old and a good looking nice guy with a lot going for me...Aint no reason why I should be sad over this any longer than I need to be...Or why this is going to stop me from living the life I want...I might as well spend time looking for the right person than clinging to the wrong one just because i am familiar with her.

 

You gota be a man and just take it on the chin and walk away...Its really hard...It really is when someone you loved so dearly for so long decides to just walk away for what seems like no reason at all...Leaving your hurt, confused, and just searching for answers...I think once you get over this you will be able to get through anything...

 

The only answer I got is how wonderful I am and how she could marry me but doesnt really know what else is out there since we have been together so long...It did not make it any easier. All this comment was for is to keep me hanging on a string for as long as possible while she explored the possibilities...Now its too late...Im done, Im getting over it, and I really dont want her anymore.

 

I chalk this up to experience...I know I am not all to blame, but wish I could have done things differently, but I cannot change the past. I know I did enough to keep a healthy relationship going. I know I was good to her and she knew how I felt about her.

 

Find some things to occupy your time better to avoid the phone calls and texts...If you need to talk to someone call your friends or family, they understand...Once you start to pull away you can start to heal my friend. I spend my extra time at the gym, fishing, and target shooting at my gun club.

 

In a few months I'll probaly be over it, dating another fine little hottie who thinks I am awesome, and moving on...And in a few months or even years she will probaly be lonely, depressed, sad over some ******* who treated her like garbage, and remember the guy whose heart she broke and made cry when she walked away from him...The one who loved her for her...

[silic0ntoad]

Exit-

 

Hey man. I am not going to show pity, or remorse. I have a few things to say that I hope you will listen to. I will not be harsh.

 

I am going through a situation myself, as others know. I am nearing the 90 day point of NC. For a while there, I was looking for answers. I tried leaving no cornerstone unturned, no mirrors unshattered. I searched. I looked back on my relationship and sifted through and through looking for answers. Guess what? None were forthcoming.

 

MY girl- and I say that, because she was MY girl. Left me for no reason. Nothing legit. I wasn't given an I'm not in love with you anymore. I was given "I don't know if I am in love with you anymore. Or why. Or what it is. But I can't be with you when I am like this." It was clear as mud, bro.

 

I struggled, for weeks, sleepless nights spent scrabbling notes on papers. Digging through internet help guides. Nothing was aiding me in my quest for answers. Man, I can tell you, I loved this girl. I wanted to marry her. Have kids with her. I was with her, and we were one. We lived together. Had a dog together.

 

But you know what? Any, and I mean this, ANY answer, she gives you, will simply lead not to closure, but more questions. If she says:

 

"I left you for someone else." -Why?

"I left because you did/didn't do x, y, z."- Why didn't you tell me earlier?

"My feelings changed."-How? Why?

 

You see my point? Nothing she gives you will give you closure you need to move on. Closure is found in time- any infidelity/sin will come to the surface. It cannot, and will not, remain hidden forever. If it was something else, such as changing personality, distance, etc, the closure you will find will not be from her, but from the person you meet next, and it may be different, but it will be better.

 

It's so difficult, I know, to trudge through NC and bear it til the end, be it reconciliation or the grave. But it's for YOU.

 

She is doing this to you because she doesn't see the need to assuage your suffering. As you suffer, she bears the burden of guilt. Let her bear it. Guilt is the heaviest sword of swords, my friend. Allow her to bear it without a helping hand. I know you care. I still care. I care deeply and still love my ex more so than any other girl I have been with, and there have been many. But love isn't simple. To show her you truly care, let her go man. If you love them, set them free. If they come back it's meant to be.

 

Best of luck man. But again. Don't bear that sword for her.

[Odyssey]

Exit, it could many (immaturity, selfishness, she's moving on, guilt) or no reasons.

But the simple fact remains... you have to let go. I mean what choice do you have, really?

[DustySaltus]

Exit-

 

 

 

But you know what? Any, and I mean this, ANY answer, she gives you, will simply lead not to closure, but more questions. If she says:

 

"I left you for someone else." -Why?

"I left because you did/didn't do x, y, z."- Why didn't you tell me earlier?

"My feelings changed."-How? Why?

 

You see my point? Nothing she gives you will give you closure you need to move on.

 

 

I agree. And if you get answers to these questions they will only breed 10 more questions and it will just continue to snowball. There's a saying, "Everything ends badly, otherwise it wouldn't end". There's no "right" way to break up with someone except via text or even phone, but the message is still the same. I really feel for you and things will get better in time, I promise. Let go and get our there and date some women, just for fun...with no expectations.

[stillafool]

Okay I know most responses are going to be uninspired "go NC" rhetoric and I understand that, but I'm trying to dig deeper here.

 

It's been 4 months since we broke up. Mixed periods of No Contact, and limited contact through MySpace letters discussing what had torn us apart. At about the 3 month mark I found out she was seeing someone new.

 

I am fairly healed at this point, but due to the abruptness of our split, and the way all the blame got put on my shoulders, I've really been wanting to have a conversation with her and just finally be at peace with everything that happened. I know everyone is going to say I don't need anything from her to move on, and I understand that, but it would still be nice.

 

Unfortunately, you're right.

 

I've asked her flat out "can we pick a day to talk or just tell me to go away for good" and she simply doesn't respond. You'd think she could be an adult and tell me that we are no longer going to have any contact, instead of just starting to ignore me after months of being civil and having limited contact. It takes three seconds to send a text message.

 

The reason she doesn't want to communicate with you is she has moved on. She knows it will be uncomfortable and you want her back no matter what you say. She is involved with her new bf and knows there is nothing she can tell you that will make you feel better. She feels it is best to continue no contact so you can go on with your life.

 

I've told her it's not so much about getting her back, I'm fine if that doesn't happen, the conversation would help me move on. Early in the breakup she told me things like "Go make someone else happy" and now I've told her it's hard to do that while I'm still holding all this baggage.

 

She has already told you everything you need to know. Anything else would just be a repeat of what she has already told you. You do still want her back and she knows this will not happen. I've been in her situation and it's very uncomfortable to continue to say the same thing over and over when the outcome will just be the same.

 

Why the blatant silent treatment? Even a text message that says "I'm getting very serious with my new BF and don't think it's appropriate to talk" would hurt less than this.

 

I doubt that.

 

What kind of person dodges like this? I find it disgusting that she knows a 20 minute conversation could really ease someone else's suffering and she just keeps avoiding it.

 

You may think it will help but it won't. You will just feel worse than you do now. Trust me. When you see her walk away again it will hurt and set you back.

 

Most of the letters I've sent her were about the changes and improvements I was making in my life. Not your run-of-the-mill "I'll change for you baby", I really did transform my life after the breakup, I was depressed and antisocial for years and I finally battled my way back. Why can't she just talk to me, acknowledge what I've done, but tell me we still can't be together.

 

Why do you need acknowledgment from her about what you're doing to improve your life? That is not her concern but I bet she wishes the best for you. Her silence is telling you that the two of you cannot get back together.

 

Something. Anything. I don't understand this tactic.

 

I don't think this is even a "tactic" it's just the way it is. Stop writing her letters because she may not even read them. When one of my ex kept sending me letters I started throwing them away because they were too long and it just made me feel guilty. I know it sucks, but I'm just giving you my opinion since I've been where your gf is right now. Good luck, and it will get better. It is good to be angry with her as this will probably help you get over her faster.

[stillafool]

Well I still don't get it. All the "maybe she has said everything she can and doesn't know what to do", "maybe she doesn't want to rehash the past", then why not save my time and send me a message saying "I've said all I could and I don't know how to help you", or, "I don't want to discuss the past anymore".

 

I'm sorry I just don't understand the ignoring.

 

Because she has a hard time saying those things to you. She is hoping you will get the "hint" and move on on your own. You just want her to respond to you in any way possible. You don't have to understand why she does the things she does. It is what it is. Now just move on and leave her alone.

[Beeotch]

A lot of responses here still aren't adding up.

 

"She feels guilty because you haven't moved on". Feels so guilty that she decides to ignore me? If she was guilty I'd think the idea of a conversation would sound good to her too because she could alleviate some of her guilt by helping me.

 

You're all trying to tell me WHY she might be doing it... "she wants to focus on the future, she's over me, etc etc etc". I don't care WHAT the reason is, I only care that she hasn't bothered to share that reason with me. She hasn't even acknowledged that we are not talking anymore. When I really press her for an answer I get told "when I have time".

 

I'm fine if the full conversation never happens, I'm fine if I have to finish healing by myself, I would simply like to have her say out loud that we are indeed done talking.

 

We're three pages into this thread and I still don't have a good reason why, if she wants me gone, and I ask her that, she can't send a simple "yes"?? She feels too guilty to say it to me so she ignores me? That makes no sense, she knows the ignoring is tearing me apart.

 

 

Ummm I think what EVERYONE has been trying to say is that you may NEVER know the reason.

 

So with that in mind....what do you plan to do is the big question?

 

I really feel as though you are making a mountain out of a mole hill...asking over and over why she couldn't say yes...we all posed POSSIBLE reasons, clearly none of us know for sure...but it sure beats what you've got....which is NOTHING or far-fetched possibilities.

 

 

She knows it is tearing you up yet here we are in this thread...meaning she is STILL doing it...and you still don't know why....

 

 

What's next in the plan Exit? Really....what is next? We have all the facts down....so what else?

[Beeotch]

Okay, so she'd rather be getting multiple texts from me asking for this conversation, instead of taking the time to send one message and actually tell me whats going on. Makes sense.

 

I've given u examples of how I have done that...I am sure I am NOT unique in that regard. I am sure many other people have done the same. I have found it a lot easier to just delete a text without even reading it or read it and delete it over and over rather than acknowledge the sender.....

 

 

So it is interesting to me why you would find this to be soooo far-fetched when I know lots of folks who do that and from EXPERIENCE I have done it before. ESPECIALLY if the sender is someone whom I have already told something and they keep bothering me.

 

But in any case....what I have also been trying to get across is that PEOPLE DO NOT ALWAYS MAKE SENSE and I gave you example after example of my ex's contradictory behavior.

 

The difference between you and I is that I acknowledge the contradictory behavior, acknowledge he may not be truthful or over me but I take him at his words and actions and live my life believing that the truth ALWAYS floats so eventually if he was lying etc it will come to the surface...but I am not gonna be worried about it and analyzing it over and over as I accept that I cannot do anything to change it or to know what he is really thinking....ALL I HAVE ARE HIS WORDS AND ACTIONS: if one is being ignored and the person has a new bf and has made NO ATTEMPT to respond to your queries...take it at face value. If they change their mind or decide to be truthful then when that time comes around it comes around.

[Beeotch]

Well then you're just as immature as my ex. Try telling them that you do not want to talk anymore. Ignoring people sure is classy.

 

In reality...many people resort to ignoring after someone cannot get the hint.

 

I ignore folks whom I have told straight up that there cannot be an us but they continue to bother me....

 

 

What can I do? It is a last resort.....

 

 

If I have already told you the deal and you choose to pretend I didn't and keep texting me....I HAVE EVERY RIGHT to ignore you. You are interfering with my life and bothering me. It is not about YOU anymore....I have a right to not be bothered.

[Exit]

In reality...many people resort to ignoring after someone cannot get the hint.

 

I ignore folks whom I have told straight up that there cannot be an us but they continue to bother me....

 

 

What can I do? It is a last resort.....

 

 

If I have already told you the deal and you choose to pretend I didn't and keep texting me....I HAVE EVERY RIGHT to ignore you. You are interfering with my life and bothering me. It is not about YOU anymore....I have a right to not be bothered.

 

I agree 100%. If she has "already told me the deal" and I didn't get the hint, she could ignore me. Now we're five pages into this thread and people are still missing the fact that she was perfectly fine talking to me up until now. I have previously offered to end communication by blocking each other on myspace and she said NO. Yeah, I really missed all the big hints.

 

Whatever, trying to discuss it here on the forums caused more trouble than it was worth.

[kizik]

Exit, you have the worst attitude ever.

 

LOTS of people here have tried to help you.

 

You have shown ZERO gratitude.

 

At this point, I have full sympathy with your exGF. She wants to get away from the neediness, arrogance, and rudeness you have shown here.

[JL911]

They always say they still want to talk...They still offer friendship...they still try to make it as easy as it can be on both you and them....

 

Maybe she was OK talking to you before because it eased her guilt...Maybe she just wanted to see how you were going to react to all of this...Whatever the reason is now she aint talking, and has had enough...Im sorry man...I know what you are going through...Im sorry...Just typing this makes me well up a bit...I miss a lot about my ex too...more than she will ever know...You just have to let it go...And say if this is how its going to be then fine...

 

Sometimes you really dont know someone as well as you think you do...

[caramel c]

Someday you will understand what we are all trying to tell you, in different ways, but that day has not come yet.

 

I wish you the best in your recovery but I cannot offer any advice or consolation that I think will benefit you right now.

 

When you are ready to stop banging your head against the wall, come back to this thread and see if anything makes sense to you then.

[kizik]

Whatever, trying to discuss it here on the forums caused more trouble than it was worth.

 

Sorry we wasted your time, sweetheart!

[kizik]

Someday you will understand what we are all trying to tell you

 

I doubt it. Dude thinks De Nile is just an Egyptian river.

[Beeotch]

I agree 100%. If she has "already told me the deal" and I didn't get the hint, she could ignore me. Now we're five pages into this thread and people are still missing the fact that she was perfectly fine talking to me up until now. I have previously offered to end communication by blocking each other on myspace and she said NO. Yeah, I really missed all the big hints.

 

Whatever, trying to discuss it here on the forums caused more trouble than it was worth.

 

How did we miss that?

 

I acknowledged that and said...it happens ALL the time. My ex was inlove with me the day before he broke up with me. One day my ex calls and asks me to spend the weekend with him...the next day he doesn't answer my calls. One minute we're happy and together the next day we're not....things can change quickly...we don't always know why. The only thing we know is they CHOSE not to inform us of why for whatever reason.

 

So what are you really trying to say? It is not that others aren't getting the point: you're the only one not getting it.

[Beeotch]

Someday you will understand what we are all trying to tell you, in different ways, but that day has not come yet.

 

I wish you the best in your recovery but I cannot offer any advice or consolation that I think will benefit you right now.

When you are ready to stop banging your head against the wall, come back to this thread and see if anything makes sense to you then.

 

Ditto....

 

Where ignorance is bliss...it is folly to be wise.

[Exit]

Yes, I'm so in denial, I'm so certain she is going to be in my bed tonight. That's exactly what I'm saying.

 

I'm not in denial. I don't think she's coming back. All I have said over and over is that I can't understand the SILENT transition from talking and discussing things, to getting the cold shoulder. There are 70 posts in this thread now and people keep trying to explain why she might be done talking "she's guilty, she's this, she's that". I don't really care why. All I'm saying is, whatever the reason may be, why could she not take ten seconds to tell me that our period of discussion was over, and it was time to be apart.

 

Go ahead and personally attack me. You haven't been in my shoes.

 

Thanks to those of you who replied with some sense of sympathy and understanding.

[northstar1]

Yes, I'm so in denial, I'm so certain she is going to be in my bed tonight. That's exactly what I'm saying.

 

I'm not in denial. I don't think she's coming back. All I have said over and over is that I can't understand the SILENT transition from talking and discussing things, to getting the cold shoulder. There are 70 posts in this thread now and people keep trying to explain why she might be done talking "she's guilty, she's this, she's that". I don't really care why. All I'm saying is, whatever the reason may be, why could she not take ten seconds to tell me that our period of discussion was over, and it was time to be apart.

 

Go ahead and personally attack me. You haven't been in my shoes.

 

Thanks to those of you who replied with some sense of sympathy and understanding.

 

We have been in your shoes, that is the point here. You just refuse to acknowledge that the dozen or so people who have given you the same advice might be onto something.

 

At this point, I think this thread needs to die a peaceful death, because you are just not willing to accept any advice.

 

Good luck in finding the answers you seek.

[PinkToes]

Exit, I totally understand what you're going through and I know you're trying to dig your way out as best you can. But in response to your initial question, I really believe that what that says about her is that she just doesn't want to have any more contact with you, and for whatever reason, she doesn't believe that answering that question will be enough for you.

[Beeotch]

Ummm

 

1. Denial and insanity are different. You would be INSANE to think she will be in your bed. I could go back to your threads where YOU admit to the glimmer of hope...everytime you speak about her it is always with some qualifier saying how if she was so comfortable with her decision she wouldn't ignore you, if she was over you she wouldn't do this and that. That is the denial I think everyone is saying....when people pose possibilities that are not about her wanting you you shoot it down and say it doesn't make sense. The thread proves it...everything we have said you said that is not the reason as if YOU know the reason....Denial is constantly asking why in the face of the facts. Not letting go is a form of denial....

 

2. If you go to a store and it has a sign marked CLOSED and you keep knocking on the door, keep asking passersby why it is closed, and yesterday you came at the same time and it was open so why is it closed now...and instead of going home you insist on standing infront of the clearly closed, dark store asking why? What does that say about you? :confused:When passersby offer suggestions that the manager might be sick, it may be a holiday, etc and you insist that is not it and continue to ask why why why...what does that say?

 

 

3. How is it that all these complete strangers, going through different situations, who are different personality types, different thought patterns have ALL come to the same conclusion? How is it that our thoughts all align on this issue?

 

 

4. It is really unfair to make it seem as if everyone is attacking you and being mean to you. Yes some ppl got personal because they got frustrated with you...but overall as I have said, I came here AFTER you and you have said the SAME things since I have been here. It has been MONTHS and I have seen no growth, hardly any change in perspective but this staunch, stubborn, boxed in, one track mind (hence the accusations of denial).

 

5. Your reasoning is circular. No matter what anyone says you shoot it down and find some way to link it back to welll...if she was over me why is she giving me the cold shoulder. Back to the CLOSED store anology. Everyone else has accepted that some things shall be UNKNOWN....everyone is saying hey Exit, we don't know, this MIGHT be why but we don't know...and you say "Okay...so why is she giving me the cold shoulder?"....that is INSANE! NO ONE KNOWS....YOU DON'T...I DON'T...NO ONE BUT GOD AND YOUR EX KNOWS.....so why do you keep asking why?

What is not to understand? Why is it so hard to accept that may never know? Why are you shutting down everyone's proposals as to why? Why is it the ONLY solution you find to be acceptable is your OWN which involves her not being over you?

 

So what is it that you want?

 

That is also where denial might come in....or pretense...or something. You are telling yourself one thing and seem to be asking one thing but it clearly is not what you're asking or saying because you have received LOGICAL answers and you refute them....so you MUST be looking for something else.

 

You should look into yourself...re-read your posts....and BE HONEST about what it is you want, desire, feel.

[Beeotch]

Yea I'm done....I do wish you well. I do hope you find peace and closure as I have been there and I know how it feels...I think we all do.

 

 

I know one cannot just up and get over someone....or get over the hurt and pain and confusion they cause us. Because we can be over the person but not over the hurt they brought.

 

 

I am frustrated by you but everyone deals with things differently...and it may take you longer than some to see the light....but that doesn't matter, as long as you eventually do. Your life is on your time frame not my own, not your ex's, not anyone on LS's.

 

It makes no sense to argue with you, point out your irrationality and so forth. No sense in kicking you when you are already down. I do apologize if it seemed that way. I remember when I went on another forum and an old member told me some stuff I did not want to hear...well I told her a piece of my mind, intellectualized it and stormed off!

 

I do not go on that forum anymore because I am ashamed...ashamed because what she had said to me was correct and I chewed her up:o She doesn't know it...but I do. So I understand that sometimes our emotions can make us believe so strongly in something that our brains manage to tie some seeming logic together and we believe everyone else has it wrong.NO ONE could tell me otherwise...I had to grow and change and see for myself. So same it is with you.