Cutting

[GorillaTheater]

As I mentioned on another thread, I have a beautiful, talented, smart, big-hearted young teenage daughter, who I've just learned has self-esteem issues, although I can't for the life of me figure out why.

 

I also learned that she cut herself a couple of weeks ago. Apparently it only happened the one time. I'm kind of scared, because I don't know what this means. I've heard of such behavior, but it struck me as totally unfathomable at the time, and it still is.

 

I need some advice on how to deal with this and how serious a situation we have. Why would she do it? How likely is she to do it again? How would you handle it? Is mental health intervention of some sort warranted?

 

I need to leave, but I'll check back in in the morning if anyone has words of wisdom. Thanks.

[Trialbyfire]

http://www.mayoclinic.com/health/self-injury/DS00775/DSECTION=symptoms

 

Here's something from the Mayo clinic. It might be worthwhile to put her into counseling so she can express her emotions through a safe avenue.

[TaraMaiden]

I think you need to speak to a child psychologist in confidence, and learn as much as you can about why teens do this.... read everything you can - and then reassure her gently that you are always there for her, you love her deeply, and you only want the very best for her.

She may not feel like opening up to you, nor may she want to....

but AFAIK, this is a sign of a deep and hidden frustration, and a way of masking a psychological pain with a physical one.

 

I'm devastated to know you are experiencing this with your daughter, and hope you can all find a way through this successfully.

I can add no more.... but hope others will.

Hugs, GT... with feeling.

[Angel1111]

Yeah, I think you got some good advice here. I would be like you and be very concerned about this. I think you'll handle it appropriately. My heart goes out to you and your daughter. Do you think something major has happened to her that you don't know about? It sounds like she's crying out for help. Children get stuck sometimes and think they can handle things - but they can't. Keep us posted as to how she's doing.

[Thornton]

I went through a similar phase in my teens, during which I cut myself. I remember feeling like I was in so much emotional pain but nobody could even see it, so I cut myself in order to make that pain visible. In essence it was a cry for attention, because I felt like I needed help and I wasn't getting it; I wanted people to know that I was in pain.

 

If your daughter only cut herself on one occasion it's less worrying than if she was doing it repeatedly. Many people who cut themselves will hide the evidence from people who might try to stop them, in order that they can carry on doing it. When I cut myself I wanted it to be seen, because I wanted people to know that I was suffering and I wanted them to help me. The fact that you found out about your daughter cutting herself probably means that it's more of a cry for help, because she hasn't hidden it from you.

 

My suggestion would be to talk to her about how she feels and why she's unhappy - perhaps talking to a professional would help too. Hopefully you can figure out some way to help her to resolve the problems that are making her unhappy enough to cut herself.

[sally4sara]

I had two friends that did this that I didn't feel were being overly dramatic in a want for attention. (example:VERY shallow cuts that they call other's attention too rather than trying to hide nasty cuts)

 

The girl had a very demanding schedule and her parents expectations for her to succeed where impossible. She would try to talk to them about it; dropping a lesson or sport perhaps, but they would have none of it. She said it gave her a sense of control. She got to choose to cut and how to cut and where.....

 

The guy was cutting just below his armpit so as to not get noticed. He said there was often times where he felt a certain emotional response was expected of him, even he expected some of them to be natural emotional responses, but he never felt them. Like getting an award for something or making a basket during the game, or his mom saying she loves him and is proud of him - he felt nothing, but he felt the cuts.

 

I know these two are quite possibly single instances, but maybe something I listed sounds plausible?

 

I hope things get better.

[Trialbyfire]

http://www.girlshealth.gov/emotions/hurting/index.cfm

 

Here's a government sponsored site that talks directly to the teens who self-harm. It talks about some of the risks of self-cutting like hepatitis and HIV. There's also a 1-800 number for your daughter to call, if necessary.

[sb129]

GT- you have had some great advice on here and I don't think I can add to that, but I can see a couple of good things here-

 

1. You are aware of it early on,

2. You are prepared to learn about it and help your daughter.

 

I hope things get better as a result of this.

[GorillaTheater]

Thanks, I appreciate all of you. According to my wife, who had a long talk with my daughter (who's 13, btw), the self-esteem issues stem from my daughter (sometimes? often?) feeling like she's a "bad" person. I mean, yeah, she can sometimes get a tad nasty with her brothers and sisters, particularly her older sister (the subject of an earlier parenting thread - boys I get, but girls sometimes leave me feeling pretty helpless), but nothing out of the ordinary, IMO. I think she's placing way too much emphasis on these minor league "bad" things that she does, but convincing her of it is another issue.

 

She and my wife talked long and hard about this. Apparently she has an airhead acquantence who in some way suggested that cutting was a good plan. I'll deal with that separately and will likely contact the parents. As far as I know, my daughter did just cut herself the one time, and scared herself a bit by doing so.

 

I picked her up from dance last night, and took her for ice cream. We talked the entire time, mostly about music, and I didn't bring anything up. She seemed normal and happy and funny. I'm going to hold off on seeking counseling for her for the moment, but my wife and I will watch carefully. Any more cutting or similar behavior and straight to the shrink couch she goes.

 

Thank you all for your help and wisdom. I felt totally out of my depth, but have calmed down. Now we see if this was indeed an isolated incident or not, and I feel much better equipped to deal with it.

[xpaperxcutx]

I used to cut as well, from shallow to very scarring ones that's are still visible.

 

The thing is while she may have cut that one time, she's now well aware of the idea of cutting. The important thing is that you seek help from a professional first hand and address her self- esteem issues before she decides to start cutting again. Sometimes confronting the problem earlier on will help diminish the problem of her seeking further self harm.

 

I hope she's doing okay. Cutting is a cry for help ( at least in my case it was) but it can also be used as a coping mechanism for others who can't deal with the stresses and emotional turmoils in their life. If your daughter can talk to a pro about what's troubling her, as least she can be more informed on seeking more positive alternatives to dealing with things.

[2sure]

GT -

 

My daughter is the same age and throughout the past 12 months she and I have talked about this issue a few times.

 

It started with her asking questions about it, having heard of it at school. I admitted that I didnt know much about it, the reasons for it , what people got out of it, and told her it was something new. I suggested we find out more about it together. We both read about it and discussed it.

She told me about several girls at school who were doing it and that it was also featured in several books that were popular. OUR conversation resulted that to her it seemed like just a trend, a bad one, and that most of these girls were not depressed so much as curious or dramatic. Either way, I told her - its a need for something, if only attention.

 

Eventually the REAL issue came out. A good friend of hers was doing it a LOT, and my daughter was concerned that no one knew but her. She told the school counselor and although the girl initially felt betrayed, they are friends again.

 

I know my daughter was very curious about the whole thing, I think its a possibility she even tried it. Fortunately, she seemed to end up on solid ground that it was not for her. The first of many decisions that I hope produce the same result.

[GorillaTheater]

I suggested we find out more about it together. We both read about it and discussed it.

 

You're a good mom, and you have a kind daughter. We've had the drug talk and the sex talk, but it didn't even occur to me to talk to my kids about this; cutting struck me as too bizarre and inexplicable to address.

 

Another lesson learned, and certainly far from the last.

[xpaperxcutx]

GT -

 

My daughter is the same age and throughout the past 12 months she and I have talked about this issue a few times.

 

It started with her asking questions about it, having heard of it at school. I admitted that I didnt know much about it, the reasons for it , what people got out of it, and told her it was something new. I suggested we find out more about it together. We both read about it and discussed it.

She told me about several girls at school who were doing it and that it was also featured in several books that were popular. OUR conversation resulted that to her it seemed like just a trend, a bad one, and that most of these girls were not depressed so much as curious or dramatic. Either way, I told her - its a need for something, if only attention.

 

Eventually the REAL issue came out. A good friend of hers was doing it a LOT, and my daughter was concerned that no one knew but her. She told the school counselor and although the girl initially felt betrayed, they are friends again.

 

I know my daughter was very curious about the whole thing, I think its a possibility she even tried it. Fortunately, she seemed to end up on solid ground that it was not for her. The first of many decisions that I hope produce the same result.

 

It's true, cutting is a learned behaviour. During my time in high school, I came across many literary books that depict self harm. While they were written as a way to inform and educate, the books themselves also unintentionally had the adverse effect of promoting self harm among teenagers.

[2sure]

You might as well start acclimating yourself to the idea that piercings can go away but tattoos are forever. Prepare your negotiations, use reverse psychology. I found that by nearly insisting my daughter get her nose pierced...her reaction is that marring your body in any way is toooo showy. Just an FYI.

[GorillaTheater]

I hope she's doing okay. Cutting is a cry for help ( at least in my case it was) but it can also be used as a coping mechanism for others who can't deal with the stresses and emotional turmoils in their life. If your daughter can talk to a pro about what's troubling her, as least she can be more informed on seeking more positive alternatives to dealing with things.

 

I'm inclined to hold off on the counseling for now, but am willing to be convinced otherwise. Do you think I should take her to a counselor now?

[GorillaTheater]

You might as well start acclimating yourself to the idea that piercings can go away but tattoos are forever. Prepare your negotiations, use reverse psychology. I found that by nearly insisting my daughter get her nose pierced...her reaction is that marring your body in any way is toooo showy. Just an FYI.

 

My oldest daughter (21) has two tattoos and a nose piercing. I HATE them. I should have insisted that she got them and you're probably right, she would have run in the other direction.

 

When my 15 year old son wanted to get a color-shifting mohawk, I said fine, go for it. It lasted about a month.

[TaraMaiden]

GT, it sounds like, from your posts here, that your daughter was more experimenting, rather than doing it as an actual cry for help, but in any case, I am really glad for her that you discovered it, and that your wife was able to discuss it in depth with her.

One thing which I think is extremely positive is that very fact.

She was able to discuss it.

 

I would imagine (never having been either exposed to this, or had any experience... others I'm sure would confirm or otherwise) that people who genuinely feel so desperate as to resort to cutting to mask emotional pain, or to express it physically, actually don't want to talk to their nearest and dearest about it.

This is the very reason they inflict self-harm. it's an expression, but at least they don't have to verbalise it to anyone.....

 

the fact she's talked about it, and the fact that she was normal, happy and relaxed with you, would seem to indicate to me that this was not, nor ever will be a desperate cry for help, but just an "I wonder what it's like"..... and one, by the sound of it, that alarmed her enough to not wish to repeat the episode.

 

I wish you well in discussing this with the parents of the other child.

I think you are right to consider this....

 

How will you approach this, do you think?

 

Feel a lot better knowing this is out in the open with her.

Great parenting, you should be very pleased you achieved this. Well done, both of you......

[GorillaTheater]

I wish you well in discussing this with the parents of the other child.

I think you are right to consider this....

 

How will you approach this, do you think?

 

Thank you for the kind words. Hopefully I didn't blow things out of proportion, either here or in my own mind, but I admit, I was pretty scared.

 

As to the above, first I need to find out who it was. I'm not going to talk to the parents from the standpoint of telling their cutting kid to keep her advice to herself, but rather from the standpoint of "look, your daughter talked to mine about cutting in a positive light. I'm concerned for your daughter's well-being, and I wanted to make you aware of this so you could address it as you see fit."

[bentnotbroken]

GT, I have also had to learn about this quickly. When Mr. Messy put the family through his crap, both of my kids suppressed most of their rage. One decided to start smoking( :sick:I hate cigs, dad died of lung cancer) and the other started cutting. I learned what I could, then I spoke with my counselor and got a game plan. I took my children and had them talk with the counselor. Turns out they both had self esteem issues too. One thinks they are too skinny and the other thinks they are too fat. I was clueless. My suggestion is to learn as much as you can by just hanging out with her. Take her bowling, swimming, skating, bike riding...anything to get to know her better. Speak with a professional about your concerns and the two of you make a plan to help her. God bless.

[Kenyth]

Depends what the cutting is about. Many times, it's for attention, sympathy, and manipulation. My son visits from his mothers a couple times a year. Once I figured he was about manipulation, I only had one talk about it. I told him the next time he did such a thing, I was abmitting him to the local inpatient clinic (where I had just driven) for a three day in-house evaluation. This wasn't a threat. I was dead serious. I explained the regimen and asked if he wanted to go, because if he did, we could walk through the doors right now. Needless to say, he did not, and that was the last incident I know of. At least I succeeded in solving one problem with him.

[Joie de Vivre]

GT, I have also had to learn about this quickly. When Mr. Messy put the family through his crap, both of my kids suppressed most of their rage. One decided to start smoking( :sick:I hate cigs, dad died of lung cancer) and the other started cutting. I learned what I could, then I spoke with my counselor and got a game plan. I took my children and had them talk with the counselor. Turns out they both had self esteem issues too. One thinks they are too skinny and the other thinks they are too fat. I was clueless. My suggestion is to learn as much as you can by just hanging out with her. Take her bowling, swimming, skating, bike riding...anything to get to know her better. Speak with a professional about your concerns and the two of you make a plan to help her. God bless.

 

I totally agree with bentnotbroken. I remember back when I was a kid my parents spent a lot of time with me doing family activities. Later on, when I was a teenager it was a lot easier for me to open up to them and talk about issues at school, freely and without them getting impulsively angry or paranoid.

 

as for cutting, i remember back in high school it become a "competition" amongst the popular girls in high school. the more you cut and the more daring they become.. they feel like a sense of accomplishment expressing their unhappiness. One even tried to go as far as hanging herself on a tree branch, which luckily broke off.

 

I am so glad your daughter was only experimenting and has talked things out

 

There's so many things that me and my dimwitted friends experimented with in high school, luckily they were only a fad.

[laRubiaBonita]

hey GT, i hope all is going good with your daughter and you.

 

i first started harming myself when i was about 12 or 13... i am a burner (i never could cut myself) and i pick at my skin and pull out my hair.

 

mine is related to self esteem, i do not think i am worthy of anything really (i still battle with these thoughts). i tried to be the perfect daughter growing up, making good grades, many friends, very active in activities- i wished it would make me feel better about me but it didn't.

 

since you believe it may just be an experimental thing, i would wait on the counseling- but keep an eye on her and make sure this doesn't manifest... with me i did not really start to burn myself regularly intil i was 16 or 17.

[Ronni_W]

I'm inclined to hold off on the counseling for now, but am willing to be convinced otherwise. Do you think I should take her to a counselor now?

GT, I would tend to say 'yes'. But it really depends on why you and your wife have opted to not offer counseling to your daughter at this time -- is it because, deep-down, it really just feels unnecessary, or is it possibly because you'd rather not explore the whole topic any further?

 

It's a tough one, really. You could tell your daughter that the situation caused you a scare, and you feel it your parental obligation to get professional input as well as any professional guidance and support that she may need.

Or, you could ask her if she will let you know if/when she wants professional help to deal with any of the problems that she will face through her teen years. (Not that such matters ought be left to a 13-y/o but, since you're not keen on the idea of counseling right at this moment, at least hopefully you'll get a heads-up from your daughter when such intervention might be necessary in the future.)

 

I guess. Give her a strong and clear message that you do take such things seriously, are not just "sweeping it under the rug", and are prepared to do whatever is necessary to ensure her mental and emotional health and well-being. Something like that, perhaps?

[Trialbyfire]

as for cutting, i remember back in high school it become a "competition" amongst the popular girls in high school. the more you cut and the more daring they become.. they feel like a sense of accomplishment expressing their unhappiness. One even tried to go as far as hanging herself on a tree branch, which luckily broke off.

 

I am so glad your daughter was only experimenting and has talked things out

 

There's so many things that me and my dimwitted friends experimented with in high school, luckily they were only a fad.

Wow, I've been out of it for too long! This shocks me to read it, that girls would compete with their cutting. No wonder parents are terrified for their teenagers.

 

I guess this is similar to what happened with GT's daughter, that she tried the cutting and hopefully chooses to not ever do it again. It's scary.

[hoping2heal]

As I mentioned on another thread, I have a beautiful, talented, smart, big-hearted young teenage daughter, who I've just learned has self-esteem issues, although I can't for the life of me figure out why.

 

I also learned that she cut herself a couple of weeks ago. Apparently it only happened the one time. I'm kind of scared, because I don't know what this means. I've heard of such behavior, but it struck me as totally unfathomable at the time, and it still is.

 

I need some advice on how to deal with this and how serious a situation we have. Why would she do it? How likely is she to do it again? How would you handle it? Is mental health intervention of some sort warranted?

 

I need to leave, but I'll check back in in the morning if anyone has words of wisdom. Thanks.

 

I'm sorry to hear this is going on, She is experiencing some serious distress and exhibiting signs of trauma. This could be for many reasons, sexual abuse, bullying at school, etc. Whatever the case she seems to be in a very distressed state and I would say yes that an intervention is needed although is going to be difficult, she doesn't feel safe expressing what is happening and will most likely rebel against the idea of anyone trying to get it out of her. It's a tough one, but you most definately need to get her some help.