EsmerKiss7 Posted September 9, 2009 Share Posted September 9, 2009 Do you think their is a difference between cheating (as in one night stands) and having an affair(long term; months-years)? I've always had the opinion that a one night stand is possibly forgiveable, given that it wasn't with a friend or close relative of mine, but an affair on the other hand is more or less unforgiveable. The only reason I say this is because I can understand how some people fall prone to weaknesses - and a kiss or one night stand can be significant of emotional turmoil at the time, but when they develop a long term relationship with another person that lasts for months or years how can that be excused? Link to post Share on other sites
foreal Posted September 9, 2009 Share Posted September 9, 2009 Sure...but.... Would you prefer to excuse a year long A, where you contracted no STD, or a ONS where you contracted the gift that keeps on giving (as in HIV or herpes etc)? The problem with both is that each puts the unsuspecting partner at risk, a risk they did not take, but one that was foisted upon them..... condoms are not 100% effective..besides, how many guys put one on before they get a blowjob?! Both kinds of cheating provide numerous ways to hurt people. It is like asking, would you prefer to be knifed or drowned? Link to post Share on other sites
Lizzie60 Posted September 9, 2009 Share Posted September 9, 2009 Do you think their is a difference between cheating (as in one night stands) and having an affair(long term; months-years)? I've always had the opinion that a one night stand is possibly forgiveable, given that it wasn't with a friend or close relative of mine, but an affair on the other hand is more or less unforgiveable. The only reason I say this is because I can understand how some people fall prone to weaknesses - and a kiss or one night stand can be significant of emotional turmoil at the time, but when they develop a long term relationship with another person that lasts for months or years how can that be excused? I see a difference in the emotion involved... ONS.. no emotions.. just sex.. long term A.. emotions are involved most of the time.. or a sense of security with the A partner... but I don't see a difference in that it cause a dependance to have the 'newness' of sex.. (most of the time)... Link to post Share on other sites
Author EsmerKiss7 Posted September 9, 2009 Author Share Posted September 9, 2009 Sure...but.... Would you prefer to excuse a year long A, where you contracted no STD, or a ONS where you contracted the gift that keeps on giving (as in HIV or herpes etc)? The problem with both is that each puts the unsuspecting partner at risk, a risk they did not take, but one that was foisted upon them..... condoms are not 100% effective..besides, how many guys put one on before they get a blowjob?! Both kinds of cheating provide numerous ways to hurt people. It is like asking, would you prefer to be knifed or drowned? Well yea, but I meant it more like generally, not specific scenarios as such, but more or less from the emotional stand point. Link to post Share on other sites
foreal Posted September 9, 2009 Share Posted September 9, 2009 Well yea, but I meant it more like generally, not specific scenarios as such, but more or less from the emotional stand point. oh I see!!....a ONS is 'just sex' where an A is emotion + Sex (usually). I get cha! It does seem more difficult to 'excuse' a long term A..although I don't know if 'excuse' is quite the word...maybe 'accept' is more appropriate? It is easier to 'accept' a ONS than an A b/c of the emotions involved? Either way, they both hurt. I think an A may hurt more...but maybe that is just b/c my H had and A not a ONS....maybe some ONSers will come along and let you know if it hurt a lot (I am guessing it does). Link to post Share on other sites
ReturnToSender Posted September 9, 2009 Share Posted September 9, 2009 knifed or drowned? Haha! wow brutal. Hrmm... I know for sure that had it been an affair...a long term thing, I would not be nearly as open to forgiveness as I am that it was a one night stand. If it was a long term thing, where he put that amount of time and effort into planning dates or time together, forming something with her..yeah, that would be a lot harder to swallow than that it was in the moment. Link to post Share on other sites
Spark1111 Posted September 9, 2009 Share Posted September 9, 2009 It's not the sex. It's not developing an emotional connection with someone outside the marriage. Don't get me wrong, they both cut like a knife. It's the lying and deception that......kills love and trust. The longer you can look someone in the eyes and lie to them, the harder it is to overcome and restore a relationship. IMHO. Link to post Share on other sites
2sunny Posted September 9, 2009 Share Posted September 9, 2009 this is splitting hairs. for me - it's all the same. let's say i'm married... H has ONS unbeknownst to me. then a month later - said ONS moves in next door... i am cordial - maybe even friends with her. i have no idea she was intimate with my H. does this look like it's supposed to be okay just because i don't know he slept with her? i didn't think so... :rolleyes: when there are secrets - it hurts the marriage. Link to post Share on other sites
Snowflower Posted September 9, 2009 Share Posted September 9, 2009 Many will say it doesn't make a difference because it is all a betrayal. And it could just come down to semantics...cheating vs. affair. From my own perspective though...I think there is a difference between the situations described in terms of betrayal. But it all really depends on how the injured party feels about it. My husband had a very brief fling...basically a ONS but it was with a colleague so it wasn't like it was a stranger. But, I don't consider it a full-blown affair like some I read about here where it is very long term and a lot of deception/lying is involved. My husband did very little lying and confessed what he had done. It is 'easier' for me, as a BS, to slowly accept it. It still hurts like h*ll but I feel that our relationship has a chance. I do know that if his infidelity had been of a different nature, more involved, of a longer duration, deceptive, etc., I would have had a very difficult time accepting what he had done. My husband's infidelity was hard enough for me to deal with, but if it had gone on for a long time, if he had truly fallen in love with the OW, I would have considered our marriage over. But I agree that the nature of the infidelity, the explanations the WS gives for the affair (not excuses), and subsequent behavior of the WS do make a lot of difference in whether acceptance can ever be reached by the BS. Link to post Share on other sites
NoIDidn't Posted September 10, 2009 Share Posted September 10, 2009 I believe there is a difference between cheating and an affair. A MP can cheat with a prostitute (male or female) if their spouse is unaware and unlikely to give an okay. An affair is different from the prostitute situation in that its not just services rendered. A ONS is cheating. A ONS that leads to a three month liaison is an affair and different from just cheating. To really puzzle the mind, I think that an affair is cheating, but cheating does not equal affair. Link to post Share on other sites
bentnotbroken Posted September 10, 2009 Share Posted September 10, 2009 Cheating= betrayal Affair= betrayal Nope both the same. Link to post Share on other sites
Sanafa Posted September 10, 2009 Share Posted September 10, 2009 I think ONS ( sex) are far easier than Emotional, long term affairs, but I think that is because I don't equate love to sex. But I do wonder of the BS's here, how many husbands were honest in being in love with the OP and the BS stayed? I know many stay during the "grieving" process of the OP and I honestly think that would put me over the edge.. and that may not apply to the BS's here... more in reference to what I see on MB. Link to post Share on other sites
Sanafa Posted September 10, 2009 Share Posted September 10, 2009 I believe there is a difference between cheating and an affair. A MP can cheat with a prostitute (male or female) if their spouse is unaware and unlikely to give an okay. An affair is different from the prostitute situation in that its not just services rendered. A ONS is cheating. A ONS that leads to a three month liaison is an affair and different from just cheating. To really puzzle the mind, I think that an affair is cheating, but cheating does not equal affair. Been awhile.... but 100% agree;) Link to post Share on other sites
mnm Posted September 10, 2009 Share Posted September 10, 2009 ONS or A its still betrayal. When I found out about my H, I told him I could have dealt with a ONS better than what he did. Whether its an EA for a full PA, the connection to the OP is what hurts more than anything. But either one has a devistating effect. Link to post Share on other sites
Owl Posted September 10, 2009 Share Posted September 10, 2009 They ARE both forms of betrayal, but whether or not one is more or less forgiveable than the other depends entirely on the person being asked to forgive. Link to post Share on other sites
2sure Posted September 10, 2009 Share Posted September 10, 2009 It's not the sex. It's not developing an emotional connection with someone outside the marriage. Don't get me wrong, they both cut like a knife. It's the lying and deception that......kills love and trust. The longer you can look someone in the eyes and lie to them, the harder it is to overcome and restore a relationship. IMHO. Thats it. Often the BS sounds jealous in his/her words. Words to others and even themselves - they sound like jealousy. But thats not it really. Its not the sex, its not the pillow talk...its the betrayal itself. I think even the betrayal may be sometimes understandable if not always forgivable... But then the fact remains, forgiven or not...that once the betrayal has been reconciled one way or another...You still have a person proven to be completely capable of it and comfortable enough to do it. Thats the stuff thats hard to get past. Link to post Share on other sites
Spark1111 Posted September 10, 2009 Share Posted September 10, 2009 Thanks, 2sure. That's it from my perspective two years since DDay. We can all be vulnerable to sex with a "new" person. Why does everyone assume only men have that desire???? We can all be vulnerable to an emotional connection with another person other than our spouse. I get that. But the hardest aspect of a long term affair that is the most difficult for me to overcome is: How did you look me in the eyes and lie to me over and over again????? Why didn't you fess up? Tell the truth? Separate, and seek counseling regarding your conflicting feelings? Give me an opportunity to explore other relationships? Give me the opportunity ito decide if I wanted to be with you over the long haul? Too grown up for most. The last hurdle, and maybe the hardest? Respect. Will I ever respect you again? The jury is still out. Link to post Share on other sites
Dexter Morgan Posted September 10, 2009 Share Posted September 10, 2009 Do you think their is a difference between cheating (as in one night stands) and having an affair(long term; months-years)? I think there is a difference yes. But for me, it doesn't matter as far as the outcome once cheating/affair is found out. I weigh both equally. Link to post Share on other sites
Devil Inside Posted September 11, 2009 Share Posted September 11, 2009 but when they develop a long term relationship with another person that lasts for months or years how can that be excused? I don't know if it is a thing to be excused as much as it is a thing to be feared. I would think that an affair poses a much bigger threat to a marriage then single episode cheating because so much more is shared besides sex. There is a greater chance that the person in an affair will leave. Link to post Share on other sites
NoIDidn't Posted September 11, 2009 Share Posted September 11, 2009 There is a greater chance that the person in an affair will leave. I don't agree. Some people don't like the intimacy and shared demands of marriage. And physical intimacy without emotional intimacy may appeal to them so much, that they'd rather be single than invest in a marriage anymore. I'm related to many people, male and female, that fear emotional closeness. I do agree with everyone else that the results for the betrayed are the same, but I still think there is a difference and that neither is to be more feared than the other. They are both cheating, afterall. Link to post Share on other sites
2sure Posted September 11, 2009 Share Posted September 11, 2009 Urgh. Infidelity , from each side, each betrayal that we feel is so unique...so often is so very typical the patters and even the conversations can all be predicted with someone's first post. At the same time...the different kinds of infidelity , which are all lets face it - the same betrayal - our reactions to the infidelity are as unique as we are, dependent on who we are, what age we are, our past experience. To ask which is worse? You just cant. I mean, when my H was caught just texting a few women about flirty stupid stuff - I nearly left him , I felt this was full on cheating, betrayal. The fact that they didnt have sex , made no difference to me in light of the romantic and fun messages I wished were mine. But now , that seems so trivial in light of what I'm dealing with now. 4 years of serial cheating, random sex with strangers. A car , a phone, a name , a life I didnt know about. Compared to this, it seems to me that if he had one woman, a special person he cared about...someone tangible and real to me...I'd take that. But you know, it just cant be done. There is no better/worse. When we ask that question what we are really looking for is a reason to say : It could be worse. My WS isnt that bad. Link to post Share on other sites
foreal Posted September 11, 2009 Share Posted September 11, 2009 When we ask that question what we are really looking for is a reason to say : It could be worse. My WS isnt that bad. Yes. You hit it. B/c sometimes I read stories on here and elsewhere about the things WHs do (serial cheaters, porn and sex addicts as well as after the A the way they treat their BSs, how they still pine for OW and on and on with insensitive and bad behavior toward thei BS, etc) And I think, with more than a tinge of superiority, "thank god MY husband isn't THAT bad".....then I realize, HOW FREAKIN PATHETIC is it that I am even comparing my H to any cheater at all? WTF am I doing with a Fing Ahole cheater in the first place!?? I don't know... Link to post Share on other sites
2sure Posted September 14, 2009 Share Posted September 14, 2009 WTF am I doing with a Fing Ahole cheater in the first place!?? I don't know... Yeah, see? THATS the question. Thats the reason we're all here...BS and OW/OM. It goes unsaid because its the hardest one to answer. Hell, its the hardest one to ask. Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted September 15, 2009 Share Posted September 15, 2009 One indicates that my partner is a slimy sleazeball. The other portends a manipulative liar. Neither seems very attractive ... Mr. Lucky Link to post Share on other sites
NoIDidn't Posted September 15, 2009 Share Posted September 15, 2009 One indicates that my partner is a slimy sleazeball. The other portends a manipulative liar. Neither seems very attractive ... Mr. Lucky I love it. Great way to put it. Neither is desireable. Link to post Share on other sites
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