usababe Posted September 9, 2009 Posted September 9, 2009 I feel so lost right now, I've been seeing a guy for the past 2 years (who I have noticed can be quite passive aggressive). I'm completely in love with him and 90% of the time he's the perfect guy who would do anything for you and is so sweet but he refuses to commit saying he isn't ready to settle down as his ex broke his heart. This happens every few months where I tell him i want more and he says he can't, we fight and go our seperate ways and a few weeks after he comes back so nice and sweet and we're back at square one again. I'm mad at the beginning when we fight but then I start to miss him and because there has been distance I tell myself I can talk to him again without feeling attached and then I fall in love all over again. He stares at me across a room when we're out, he asks my friends about me, he makes contact every day, he has asked me to move in with him and go on vacation together. It's killing me I wish I didn't feel the need to keep accepting him back into my life but it's so hard when I can't understand why he keeps coming back if he doesn't love me. We have only slept together once and he has plenty of people he can be in contact with so it's not those. I've never felt such cemistry with anyone and I'm pretty sure he feels that too. Any ideas on what's going on with him? I've told him yet again I can't do this any more but chances are he'll be back!
torranceshipman Posted September 9, 2009 Posted September 9, 2009 I don't get it...if he wants you to move in together and vacation together, how is that not committing?
Author usababe Posted September 9, 2009 Author Posted September 9, 2009 He has suggested both of those but none have come to fruition and what I mean by commit is he doesn't want to put a label on us or take away his option of being with someone else (i have seen him casually kiss a random stranger while out clubbing but then will come over to talk to me after!!)
torranceshipman Posted September 9, 2009 Posted September 9, 2009 What?! Then dump him immediately and do NOT take him back...the guy is a jackass. Don't even TRY to understand why he does this - you've given him enough chances and he doesn't deserve you!
SummerLady Posted September 10, 2009 Posted September 10, 2009 I feel so lost right now, I've been seeing a guy for the past 2 years (who I have noticed can be quite passive aggressive). I'm completely in love with him and 90% of the time he's the perfect guy who would do anything for you and is so sweet but he refuses to commit saying he isn't ready to settle down as his ex broke his heart. This happens every few months where I tell him i want more and he says he can't, we fight and go our seperate ways and a few weeks after he comes back so nice and sweet and we're back at square one again. I'm mad at the beginning when we fight but then I start to miss him and because there has been distance I tell myself I can talk to him again without feeling attached and then I fall in love all over again. He stares at me across a room when we're out, he asks my friends about me, he makes contact every day, he has asked me to move in with him and go on vacation together. It's killing me I wish I didn't feel the need to keep accepting him back into my life but it's so hard when I can't understand why he keeps coming back if he doesn't love me. We have only slept together once and he has plenty of people he can be in contact with so it's not those. I've never felt such cemistry with anyone and I'm pretty sure he feels that too. Any ideas on what's going on with him? I've told him yet again I can't do this any more but chances are he'll be back! He wants his cake and eat it to. He may not be ready to commit but still loves you. Do you want to stay knowing that it will not be what you want it to be?? I understand what you are going through. I did this with my exboyfriend many many years ago and it crushed me. He was always honest about not commiting, so at the end the only person I could really blame was me. You chose to stay you have to know that it could end with you have a very broken heart. Do what you want just know the possible outcomes. If I had to do it again I would have left sooner and saved myself the heartache but no one could have told me to do it. You have to want to end this yourself.......Not on anyone's advice. Sorry
alphamale Posted September 10, 2009 Posted September 10, 2009 We have only slept together once... you've only had sex once in 2 years???
stepka Posted September 10, 2009 Posted September 10, 2009 I was in a bookstore the other day and randomly picked up a book written by a man about men and for women. He said that the only surefire ways that you can tell if a man is really into you is one or preferably all of these three: 1. He puts a label on the relationship: girlfriend, my gal, whatever, but in some way he lets all other men know that this is his woman. 2. He is protective of you. 3. He works harder to take care of you. As in financially, but in some way he wants to show you that he can provide. In these liberated times, the second two might be harder to pick up on, but the first one is a dead giveaway if it's missing.
Hkizzle Posted September 10, 2009 Posted September 10, 2009 He's a commitmentphobe. He keeps coming back to you because he's scared of being lonely. But he's even more scared of commitment, so he won't commit.
Lauriebell82 Posted September 10, 2009 Posted September 10, 2009 He has suggested both of those but none have come to fruition and what I mean by commit is he doesn't want to put a label on us or take away his option of being with someone else (i have seen him casually kiss a random stranger while out clubbing but then will come over to talk to me after!!) He wants to see other people? He definetely won't commit if that's how he feels. Why do you keep taking him back (besides you "love him")
Paragon Posted September 10, 2009 Posted September 10, 2009 Have you considered sitting down and deciding what YOU want, then asking him the same question? You need to start at the beginning and compare what each of you want. If you don't want the same things, then it may not work out... Find those answers first--and I mean really sit down and figure it out, not just a "well I think he wants this and i want that". These wants will be the foundation and point you in which direction to move.
Author usababe Posted September 10, 2009 Author Posted September 10, 2009 Thank you all for your replies, they have been very helpful. He's very hard to talk to when it comes to relationship issues or commitment he puts a guard up straight away and he will do anything to change the subject and block my attempts of getting him to open up about how he feels, just to keep things going the way he likes it. I have explained to him now why I have to walk away, that this is too hard for me and I can't feel this way about someone who doesn't feel the same for me and he got mad and turned off his phone but at least he's clear on how I feel. What kills me most is that he did have one other relationship in his life and he was committed to her. I know she broke his heart but he knows well I love him and wouldn't do that to him. Maybe he just doesn't love me enough, I guess I'll never know.
dreamergrl Posted September 10, 2009 Posted September 10, 2009 Communication is the key to a good relationship. Without it, it just doesn't work. He obviously does not respect you, or have you as a high enough priority to listen to what you have to say. Getting hung up on when trying to have a civil conversation is my biggest pet peeve. I think it shows lack of maturity.
seoa Posted September 10, 2009 Posted September 10, 2009 Read all the other threads about commitment phobes (CPs) - and maybe pick up one or more of the books recommended... and be aware that it sounds like you have your own commitment issues (hidden ones - usually referred to as 'passive CP') - otherwise why are you staying with a guy (for 2 years!) who keeps telling you that he won't commit, and showing you (kissing others in front of you!) that he won't commit... He said that the only surefire ways that you can tell if a man is really into you is one or preferably all of these three: 1. He puts a label on the relationship: girlfriend, my gal, whatever, but in some way he lets all other men know that this is his woman. 2. He is protective of you. 3. He works harder to take care of you. As in financially, but in some way he wants to show you that he can provide. Note: my ex did all of these, and more... but sadly his fear of commitment trumped it all...
Author usababe Posted September 10, 2009 Author Posted September 10, 2009 I dunno I guess I've always thought he was the one for me, I've never met any guy that I clicked with so well and had such chemistry with and stupidly because of the fact that he didn't leave and kept coming back to me, deep down I thought he felt the same and eventually we would end up committed to eachother. It's hard to explain, believe me if I wasn't in the situation I wouldn't understand it either.
dreamergrl Posted September 10, 2009 Posted September 10, 2009 I dunno I guess I've always thought he was the one for me, I've never met any guy that I clicked with so well and had such chemistry with and stupidly because of the fact that he didn't leave and kept coming back to me, deep down I thought he felt the same and eventually we would end up committed to eachother. It's hard to explain, believe me if I wasn't in the situation I wouldn't understand it either. It's really not that hard to explain. You want something he can't give you. He hangs up on you when you try to talk about it. He goes back and forth. You let him. So he continues to do so. Open and shut. Cut and dry.
Author usababe Posted September 10, 2009 Author Posted September 10, 2009 I meant it's hard to explain why I feel the way I do about him and why I keep accepting him back. Just to clarify he doesn't hang up on me, he will talk to me but once we're finished he'll turn off his phone - to show he's mad I'm sure!
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