Best thing to do with old momentos or sentimental items when in a new relationship

[Gerhard]

Let's say you're going into your second marriage. You climbed Mt. Kilimanjaro with a group of people that included your first spouse. The only photo you have of yourself at the top of Mt. Kilimanjaro is of you and your first spouse. Or perhaps you went to a U2 concert with your first spouse and you got your photo taken with Bono - yet your first spouse is in the photo with you. Going to the U2 concert was the best event you ever went to and climbing Mt. Kilimanjaro was your greatest accomplishment.

 

Now you get married to your second spouse. He/she insists you throw away the photos of you at the top of Mt. Kilimanjaro and with Bono at the U2 concert strictly because your first spouse was in those photos. You refuse to let your spouse throw those away and he/she begins to engage in irrational and/or destructive behavior and refuses to stop until you allow him/her to destroy the photos.

 

What do you do?

 

A) Allow him/her to destroy the original(s)

B) Secretly make copies and then allow him/her to destroy the original(s)

C) Openly make copies and then allow him/her to destroy the original(s)

D) Refuse to discuss the issue until he/she drops his/her irrational behavior

E) Offer to throw the originals away if he/she will go to counseling

 

Or do you have other ideas?

[Untouchable_Fire]

Let's say you're going into your second marriage. You climbed Mt. Kilimanjaro with a group of people that included your first spouse. The only photo you have of yourself at the top of Mt. Kilimanjaro is of you and your first spouse. Or perhaps you went to a U2 concert with your first spouse and you got your photo taken with Bono - yet your first spouse is in the photo with you. Going to the U2 concert was the best event you ever went to and climbing Mt. Kilimanjaro was your greatest accomplishment.

Now you get married to your second spouse. He/she insists you throw away the photos of you at the top of Mt. Kilimanjaro and with Bono at the U2 concert strictly because your first spouse was in those photos. You refuse to let your spouse throw those away and he/she begins to engage in irrational and/or destructive behavior and refuses to stop until you allow him/her to destroy the photos.

What do you do?

A) Allow him/her to destroy the original(s)

B) Secretly make copies and then allow him/her to destroy the original(s)

C) Openly make copies and then allow him/her to destroy the original(s)

D) Refuse to discuss the issue until he/she drops his/her irrational behavior

E) Offer to throw the originals away if he/she will go to counseling

Or do you have other ideas?

 

I don't suggest doing anything secretly.

 

I would put them in storage and if their existence bothers her, I would tell her to grow up.

[looking4 green grass]

I don't suggest doing anything secretly.

 

I would put them in storage and if their existence bothers her, I would tell her to grow up.

 

 

I agree. Had a bf who wanted me to throw away all my pictures from living overseas because a ex was in some of them. I didn't do it, nor would I do it for a spouse. Put the photos in storage, your kiddos might want to see them some day (or grand kiddos, whichever.) Especially if they are from a very meaningful time in your life. Destroying the picture doesn't destroy the memory after all.

[Thornton]

I agree - put the photos in storage. I don't think photos of you and your ex should be out on display, but I don't see why you can't keep them in a box or something, as long as you're not getting them out and showing them around all the time.

[Gerhard]

I agree - put the photos in storage. I don't think photos of you and your ex should be out on display, but I don't see why you can't keep them in a box or something, as long as you're not getting them out and showing them around all the time.

I can see that putting them in storage is the consensus here. And that's what I would do as well. However, what if your spouse knows about them and makes life difficult until you bring the photos home and allow him/her to destroy them?

 

1) Secretly make copies and let him/her destroy the originals & keep the peace in the household

 

2) Don't make copies & don't let her destroy anything & let him/her create havoc in your relationship

[ReturnToSender]

Hrmm... I think the best course of action, if he feels he has the right to destroy something that means something to me would be...for me to be able to choose anything of his that i would like to destroy. No deal? Then no dice.

 

I have a photo of myself with my ex at the swiss alps. Its probably the only time Ill ever get to go, and Im not going to destroy that photo for anything. well..unless he decided to take me on a trip to the swiss alps to redo the photo with him in it. Okay, that might change my mind.

[Gerhard]

Hrmm... I think the best course of action, if he feels he has the right to destroy something that means something to me would be...for me to be able to choose anything of his that i would like to destroy. No deal? Then no dice.

 

I have a photo of myself with my ex at the swiss alps. Its probably the only time Ill ever get to go, and Im not going to destroy that photo for anything. well..unless he decided to take me on a trip to the swiss alps to redo the photo with him in it. Okay, that might change my mind.

What if he creates havoc in the relationship unless you will let him destroy the photo? Do you secretly make a copy and then let him destroy the original? Or do you allow him to create havoc?

[ReturnToSender]

What if he creates havoc in the relationship unless you will let him destroy the photo? Do you secretly make a copy and then let him destroy the original? Or do you allow him to create havoc?

 

If something as insignificant as a photo was enough for him to *try* and create havoc (allow isnt even an option) I would take a hard look at him. Thats childish.

 

I dont believe in being secretive, sneaky or deceptive so thats not an option either.

[2sunny]

this is a control and insecurity issue. i would recommend a LOT of counseling to the person trying to MAKE me miserable over MY memories. they are mine... no one can take them away.

 

they do have a place and it's not out on display to piss someone off. they are my memories. i can't rewrite my history.

 

if need be i remove the person TRYING to make me miserable. it's just not worth it.

 

when the momentos are removed the person would just find something else to try to make me miserable. like i said - it's not worth it no matter how great the person is.

[Gerhard]

If something as insignificant as a photo was enough for him to *try* and create havoc (allow isnt even an option) I would take a hard look at him. Thats childish.

 

I dont believe in being secretive, sneaky or deceptive so thats not an option either.

So you would allow him to create havoc in your relationship before you'd resort to being secretive. When I say "havoc" I don't mean something little. I mean destroying other things, being disrespectful to you in public, teasing you about your former spouse, etc.

[VictoryisMine]

Gerhard, i read in your other thread that your wife already destroyed some of your things. Pissed me off to no end.

 

No, it is not allowed

 

Bring whatever precious memories she hasn't destroyed yet to a family member to hold for you.

[Gerhard]

Gerhard, i read in your other thread that your wife already destroyed some of your things. Pissed me off to no end.

 

No, it is not allowed

 

Bring whatever precious memories she hasn't destroyed yet to a family member to hold for you.

What really bugged me is that so many of the folks in that thread said the problem was with me. I think I can see where they're coming from in that I would rather secretly make copies and have her be happy than not make copies and let her be disruptive. But my value system may be different from theirs. In my value system, maintaining peacefulness in the home and in a relationship is worth the price of being secretive. Perhaps that appears to be a screwed up value system to others.

[VictoryisMine]

I've noticed that too, i don't get it.

 

IF you ever get divorced... wife gone... but more important lifetime memories (your stuff) gone... forever, for what? Because she was jealous?

[ReturnToSender]

So you would allow him to create havoc in your relationship before you'd resort to being secretive. When I say "havoc" I don't mean something little. I mean destroying other things, being disrespectful to you in public, teasing you about your former spouse, etc.

 

Ahh..did you read any of what I said?

 

Originally Posted by ReturnToSender

If something as insignificant as a photo was enough for him to *try* and create havoc (allow isnt even an option) I would take a hard look at him. Thats childish.

 

I dont believe in being secretive, sneaky or deceptive so thats not an option either.

 

...and for me...by havoc even if its something as little as irritating me even a little bit with the nonsense of telling me to destroy my things, I wouldnt put up with it. It doesnt have to..rather, it wouldnt escalate to the point you mentioned...that is childish behavior and theres no room for any of that in a relationship with me.

 

I cant stand controlling, possessive behavior..and I abhor jealousy, so we probably wouldnt have lasted long enough for him to even have an opinion about my photos in the first place.

[ReturnToSender]

What really bugged me is that so many of the folks in that thread said the problem was with me. I think I can see where they're coming from in that I would rather secretly make copies and have her be happy than not make copies and let her be disruptive. But my value system may be different from theirs. In my value system, maintaining peacefulness in the home and in a relationship is worth the price of being secretive. Perhaps that appears to be a screwed up value system to others.

 

Dont take it personally..you asked a direct question for us to answer what we would do...we gave the answer based on what we would do. Thats not equal to saying theres a problem with you...try not to take it that way.

 

I personally cannot be in a relationship where I have to keep secrets. Wanna know something? I SUCK at keeping secrets anyway...I have a horrible memory and always end up forgetting what was supposed to be secret and what the story was supposed to be. Between that and my personal set of morals, Im screwed with the route of keeping it honest... And in return, since I have this deficiency, I feel its only fair my partner be honest with me too and not sneak around to do anything around me.

 

Now..if keeping the peace is whats most important to you, and your left with no other options...then make the copies. I tihnk the idea of putting it into storage or asking a close family member/friend to take care of it for you as others suggested is also a good idea. Do what you feel you need to do. Cause what I would do in a similar situation would so not work for you..trust me on that!

[mark982]

gerhard, seems like your wife has some serious control issues that need addressed. And you need to do some maning up--no disrespect intended.

[AlektraClementine]

I won't be of much help. As another poster stated, the memories won't be destroyed along with the photos. I'm not suggesting that you destroy something meaningful to you.

 

I would have zero problem getting rid of a photo if it caused my current partner frustration. To me, it's a photo. My relationship is much more important to me. On the flip side, my partner has photos of his ex that don't bother me at all and I'm not going to fuss about them.

 

I won't get into your wife's possible control issues. Who know why she has these insecurities. Do you?

[loveslife]

Do you really think letting your wife have her way when she's acting like this is such a good precedent to establish?

 

Telling little lies, keeping things secret to preserve the "peace" is only going to establish a shaky ground for this relationship.

 

Honestly, even the most insecure spouses I know haven't made fusses about photos and momentos having to do with their partner's exes. This is a control thing, in my opinion.

 

Let me just ask you - do you think it's acceptable to be with someone who treats you badly? Is so incredibly disrespectful?

[loveslife]

So you would allow him to create havoc in your relationship before you'd resort to being secretive. When I say "havoc" I don't mean something little. I mean destroying other things, being disrespectful to you in public, teasing you about your former spouse, etc.

 

This is not someone I would want to be married to. Did you know this side of her before you married? This is not just jealous and controlling it's unstable.

[AlektraClementine]

Do you really think letting your wife have her way when she's acting like this is such a good precedent to establish?

 

Telling little lies, keeping things secret to preserve the "peace" is only going to establish a shaky ground for this relationship.

 

Honestly, even the most insecure spouses I know haven't made fusses about photos and momentos having to do with their partner's exes. This is a control thing, in my opinion.

 

Let me just ask you - do you think it's acceptable to be with someone who treats you badly? Is so incredibly disrespectful?

 

I would tend to agree with you. I'd like to hear some feedback from the OP on his wife's insecurities, however.

[loveslife]

I would tend to agree with you. I'd like to hear some feedback from the OP on his wife's insecurities, however.

 

You made me wonder if she's even really articulated why she wants him to get rid of the momentos.

[Gerhard]

Ahh..did you read any of what I said?

 

 

 

...and for me...by havoc even if its something as little as irritating me even a little bit with the nonsense of telling me to destroy my things, I wouldnt put up with it. It doesnt have to..rather, it wouldnt escalate to the point you mentioned...that is childish behavior and theres no room for any of that in a relationship with me.

 

I cant stand controlling, possessive behavior..and I abhor jealousy, so we probably wouldnt have lasted long enough for him to even have an opinion about my photos in the first place.

Sorry to be direct, but please go back and read my post again. Understand that the scenario I created includes presuppositions.

[Gerhard]

Do you really think letting your wife have her way when she's acting like this is such a good precedent to establish?

That's precisely why I ask the question of whether it is better to secretly make copies & let her throw the originals away or to allow her to cause havoc and disruption.

 

Telling little lies, keeping things secret to preserve the "peace" is only going to establish a shaky ground for this relationship.

Do you think that there would be less shaky ground by not letting her destroy things and having her cause repeated disruption and havoc?

 

Honestly, even the most insecure spouses I know haven't made fusses about photos and momentos having to do with their partner's exes. This is a control thing, in my opinion.

 

Let me just ask you - do you think it's acceptable to be with someone who treats you badly? Is so incredibly disrespectful?

I agree that it's a control thing. I've told her repeatedly that it is to stop, but she doesn't stop. What am I to do if she doesn't stop? Punish her? I tried something along the lines of that and then she says I'm the evil person for doing something "bad".

 

Is it acceptable? For me, no. But I have faith that she'll get over this stage - especially if I show patience and loyalty to her over an extended period of time. That, I think, will lessen her insecurities.

[Gerhard]

You made me wonder if she's even really articulated why she wants him to get rid of the momentos.

I've asked, and she simply says because she doesn't like me having those things. I then ask why she doesn't like me having those things and she gives me no answer.

[Gerhard]

This is not someone I would want to be married to. Did you know this side of her before you married? This is not just jealous and controlling it's unstable.

Actually she seemed very mature and stable before I married her. During our first few months together, she actually encouraged me to mend things with my ex-wife and expressed interest in meeting her.