SummerLady Posted September 9, 2009 Posted September 9, 2009 I like this subject and often throw out thoughts on the subject based off myself or friends. I have trust issues myself so I learn through a lot of this. A good guy friend of mine has never really been exclusive with anyone. He is divorced and at the end of his marriage left his wife for someone. The person he left his wife for he was on and off with, so he had a girlfriend on the side with her. He said he was never happy with his wife, he never got what he needed emotionally. The person he left his wife for wanted to move far away and he did not. So when that went south or started to he already had another one to date. He then dated on and off different folks over the past 3 years. 3 or 4, sometimes at the same time and they did not know about each other. None of them were what he wanted per him, something was always missing. He met someone over the summer and is now dating her exclusively. He seems real happy. He has no reason to lie to me about this as I am just an old friend. My question is why. Why would you suddenly commit when you could not or would not in the past. Is it maturity, is it the person you are with that turns your head. I am just amazed and frankly questioning it. I hope it works for him but why the change.
sally4sara Posted September 9, 2009 Posted September 9, 2009 Out of my fiance and his two closest college buddies, they were all of the "never gonna get married" club. And lo, my SO was considered the one least likely to ever change his mind while the other two stayed with their college GFs. We went to visit them last summer and one was having problems with his live-in GF of 8 years. The other was still with his college GF of 9 years but they had never lived together. My SO got on bended knee and asked me to marry him in Central Park while we were up there visiting. Apparently that was the main issue for the one living with his GF; he wouldn't propose. They went back and forth for while longer and ended up breaking up. They guy said he would be willing to marry her now to get her back, but she won't - she is gone for good. The other that wouldn't even LIVE with his GF of 9 years? He is getting married before OUR date now! It scared the crap out of him to think he might end up like his other buddy! Maybe the guy you're talking about saw some similar situation play out and changed his mind too?
New Again Posted September 9, 2009 Posted September 9, 2009 Generally I think it's probably a combination of timing and the right person.
bluewolf17 Posted September 9, 2009 Posted September 9, 2009 Generally I think it's probably a combination of timing and the right person. Exactly. I find most men come to a point when the are ready to settle down and get married, and then they marry either the person they are with, or the next person who fits the bill. A man can also be very in love, but if he's not ready to get married then, your SOL.
Author SummerLady Posted September 9, 2009 Author Posted September 9, 2009 Exactly. I find most men come to a point when the are ready to settle down and get married, and then they marry either the person they are with, or the next person who fits the bill. A man can also be very in love, but if he's not ready to get married then, your SOL. Yeah that sounds right. My exboyfriend admited to me that he very much loved me but was to young to get married way back when, so I see that. I would hope you would marry for love and not to just marry but we all know how that can go. I myself could care less about the status of marriage, I want the "love." I want it to be real.
Quest Posted September 9, 2009 Posted September 9, 2009 Generally I think it's probably a combination of timing and the right person. Exactly. All those books about the phenomenon that is the 'commitmentphobe'. Most so-called 'commitmentphobes' eventually settle down ... when they're ready.
Thaddeus Posted September 9, 2009 Posted September 9, 2009 A man can also be very in love, but if he's not ready to get married then, your SOL.Men generally see marriage as a stage in their life and a social/financial contract. Love is part of it, but just a part, not the whole thing. Sounds like the OP's friend now sees marriage as a viable option given that he's reached that stage in his life and is comfortable with the social/financial contract. Hope he insists on a pre-nup, though.
AlektraClementine Posted September 9, 2009 Posted September 9, 2009 If the girl they're dating isn't dying to marry him:p
Author SummerLady Posted September 9, 2009 Author Posted September 9, 2009 Men generally see marriage as a stage in their life and a social/financial contract. Love is part of it, but just a part, not the whole thing. Sounds like the OP's friend now sees marriage as a viable option given that he's reached that stage in his life and is comfortable with the social/financial contract. Hope he insists on a pre-nup, though. I am going to bite on this one. What do you mean by the financial part? Even if you marry someone who is self sufficent and makes a good salary that can always fall apart. Look around at major corporations borrowing money off of the government. I know money is imperative but how can it be a driving factor. Are you saying the man has to be self sufficient or the woman has to be as well. Please clarify.....
New Again Posted September 9, 2009 Posted September 9, 2009 Timing, meaning: going bald not being able to pull as many women all his buddies are settling down walking into bars and not getting the same attention they once used to .........
Author SummerLady Posted September 9, 2009 Author Posted September 9, 2009 ......... Ok that is depressing or just realistic?
Author SummerLady Posted September 9, 2009 Author Posted September 9, 2009 One thing my friend did say that I forgot to mention was he told me if he lost this woman he felt like he could never replace her ever. I thought that was different of him to say......Not like him at all.
New Again Posted September 9, 2009 Posted September 9, 2009 Ok that is depressing or just realistic? Probably both. I'm pretty sure I remember reading at study that men in their 30s start settling down (the ones who are in the situation you described - with similar dating histories) because all their friends are married and having babies.
New Again Posted September 9, 2009 Posted September 9, 2009 One thing my friend did say that I forgot to mention was he told me if he lost this woman he felt like he could never replace her ever. I thought that was different of him to say......Not like him at all. I'm sure he is in love with her...however, I tend to think that people fall in love with they're ready to fall in love. I still think it's timing in combination with meeting this particular girl - she has certain qualities that made him click with her when he was ready for that kind of relationship. I'm not romantic enough to think that she's just so amazing, and his soulmate, and that's why he finally decided to settle down and commit to someone.
Author SummerLady Posted September 9, 2009 Author Posted September 9, 2009 I'm sure he is in love with her...however, I tend to think that people fall in love with they're ready to fall in love. I still think it's timing in combination with meeting this particular girl - she has certain qualities that made him click with her when he was ready for that kind of relationship. I'm not romantic enough to think that she's just so amazing, and his soulmate, and that's why he finally decided to settle down and commit to someone. It would be nice to believe it though.......
Thaddeus Posted September 9, 2009 Posted September 9, 2009 I am going to bite on this one. What do you mean by the financial part? Even if you marry someone who is self sufficent and makes a good salary that can always fall apart. Look around at major corporations borrowing money off of the government. I know money is imperative but how can it be a driving factor. Are you saying the man has to be self sufficient or the woman has to be as well. Please clarify.....Good question. You're right, of course, that nobody has job security anymore. That's a thing of the past. Thing is, though, that to entertain the idea of marriage when the fellow doesn't have a career, or is at least in the beginning stages of starting a career, just isn't a good move. Sure, the guy might not be making 6 figures just yet, but if he's on the ladder and prospects look good, then he's more likely to be open to the possibility of marriage. But if his career is in a declining industry (auto sector, for example) or he doesn't yet have a clear idea of what he'd like to do with his life career-wise, then he's not going to be too interested in getting married until that is sorted out.
Author SummerLady Posted September 9, 2009 Author Posted September 9, 2009 Good question. You're right, of course, that nobody has job security anymore. That's a thing of the past. Thing is, though, that to entertain the idea of marriage when the fellow doesn't have a career, or is at least in the beginning stages of starting a career, just isn't a good move. Sure, the guy might not be making 6 figures just yet, but if he's on the ladder and prospects look good, then he's more likely to be open to the possibility of marriage. But if his career is in a declining industry (auto sector, for example) or he doesn't yet have a clear idea of what he'd like to do with his life career-wise, then he's not going to be too interested in getting married until that is sorted out. Agreed. I read your points/facts on relationships. You were right on with all. BUT I do believe in soul mates. Listen its bad enough Santa Claus is fake, give me this one, Please!
Thaddeus Posted September 9, 2009 Posted September 9, 2009 Agreed. I read your points/facts on relationships. You were right on with all. BUT I do believe in soul mates. Listen its bad enough Santa Claus is fake, give me this one, Please!Santa is fake? Say it ain't so!!! I've been realllly good this year and there's only one thing I want..!
Author SummerLady Posted September 9, 2009 Author Posted September 9, 2009 Santa is fake? Say it ain't so!!! I've been realllly good this year and there's only one thing I want..! See your a believer:)
Hkizzle Posted September 10, 2009 Posted September 10, 2009 I like this subject and often throw out thoughts on the subject based off myself or friends. I have trust issues myself so I learn through a lot of this. A good guy friend of mine has never really been exclusive with anyone. He is divorced and at the end of his marriage left his wife for someone. The person he left his wife for he was on and off with, so he had a girlfriend on the side with her. He said he was never happy with his wife, he never got what he needed emotionally. The person he left his wife for wanted to move far away and he did not. So when that went south or started to he already had another one to date. He then dated on and off different folks over the past 3 years. 3 or 4, sometimes at the same time and they did not know about each other. None of them were what he wanted per him, something was always missing. He met someone over the summer and is now dating her exclusively. He seems real happy. He has no reason to lie to me about this as I am just an old friend. My question is why. Why would you suddenly commit when you could not or would not in the past. Is it maturity, is it the person you are with that turns your head. I am just amazed and frankly questioning it. I hope it works for him but why the change. lol, just because he's dating her exclusively for a few months, what does that mean? I'm sure when he first met his wife he dated her exclusively as well. A woman doesn't change a man, the man has to change his own character flaws.
Hkizzle Posted September 10, 2009 Posted September 10, 2009 If marriage is what is defined as commitment then God save us all, because so many people cheat when married, and so many people divorce. Most jerks will get married some day but that doesn't mean they love their wives, or will love her in future. The jerk at the end of the day will only love himself. Every player I know and I know a lot, say they will get married some day. One guy who was honest with his feeligns told me, he was tired of finding his perfect woman, and will now settle for finding the mother of his children. I feel sorry for his future wife. Generally guys with decent relationship attitudes will marry because they've found a woman they love. Jerks, will marry because they get to an age they think they should settle down at, especially if they want kids. Obviously, there's a mix of attitudes for most men, but commitmentphobes that do marry often marry because they've gotten so old their fear of being alone for life becomes greater than their fear of marriage. That doesn't mean it's love driving them.
MN randomguy Posted September 10, 2009 Posted September 10, 2009 l A woman doesn't change a man, the man has to change his own character flaws. Amen Brutha!! also, this is so true. Timing, meaning: going bald not being able to pull as many women all his buddies are settling down walking into bars and not getting the same attention they once used to women do the same thing. In the end, so many people are out for rational self best interest. If he sees himself declining in desirability, he may try to lock one in. But, like some women who want to have fun until their looks are gone players do the same.
pandagirl Posted September 10, 2009 Posted September 10, 2009 Exactly. I find most men come to a point when the are ready to settle down and get married, and then they marry either the person they are with, or the next person who fits the bill. A man can also be very in love, but if he's not ready to get married then, your SOL. Agree with both of these statements. I'm not cynical, but love is never enough. At least in romantic relationships. I'm sure he is in love with her...however, I tend to think that people fall in love with they're ready to fall in love. I still think it's timing in combination with meeting this particular girl - she has certain qualities that made him click with her when he was ready for that kind of relationship. It's kind of funny how timing really is everything. It's like, two people's timelines have to match up for everything to fall into place. And the chances of that are...minute. Reminds me of that movie, "Sliding Doors." A woman doesn't change a man, the man has to change his own character flaws. Same goes for women! My friend tried to set up me up with two guys a couple years ago, both of which I turned down, and now they're both married. She said, "That could've been you! They wanted to get married!" I was not and am not ready for that. Hence, me = single!
seoa Posted September 10, 2009 Posted September 10, 2009 Exactly. All those books about the phenomenon that is the 'commitmentphobe'. Most so-called 'commitmentphobes' eventually settle down ... when they're ready. You obviously haven't met real CPs then... That's like saying someone gets over their agorophobia or fear-of-flying through the passing of time. You're right, the CP tag probably gets applied to a lot of younger people who just aren't quite mature enough to commit, but the real deal is full on phobia and doesn't go away without serious intent & hard work... lol, just because he's dating her exclusively for a few months, what does that mean? Ha ha - yes, agree. Generally guys with decent relationship attitudes will marry because they've found a woman they love. Jerks, will marry because they get to an age they think they should settle down at, especially if they want kids. Obviously, there's a mix of attitudes for most men, but commitmentphobes that do marry often marry because they've gotten so old their fear of being alone for life becomes greater than their fear of marriage. That doesn't mean it's love driving them. Agree - and don't forget, without seeing this relationship, you don't know what's driving it. It's perfectly possible that he's found a CP whose fear of commitment exceed his... So he's still in the 'chase' mode, which is what's keeping his attention. Still not healthy, and sorry, not a soul-mate thing either...
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