i need a man's perspective..should i leave him

[LadyCakes]

Hi everyone,

 

I really need some advice. I think it would be good to met a man's take on this but if any women here can shed some light please reply.

 

Mine is a long story but i will be brief.

 

About 17 months ago i met and started seeing my boyfriend. I wont lie, we did not have the most conventional of starts. When we met (well the day after i met him) he told me that he was in a realtionship and had a child. I was gutted to say the least. I really liked him and we hit it off straight away. I had just come out of a serious realtionship myself *my fiance had been unfaithful and broke my heart..but thats another story). What I am trying to say is that usually, if i had been in a better state of mind I would have ran for the hills when i fount out he was unavailible..but i was not in a good state and before i knew it we began texting eachother and got really close..emotionally i guess...so for about a month he and I were having an emotional affair. Then, it progressed and after a month we met up again and started an actual afair. Im really not proud of myself but to get to the point I fell madly in love with this man and he did with me. We were in the A for about 9 months before i got the courage to say enough was enough...that i loved him with all my heart but i couldnt be the other woman any longer. I said i wanted to be with him as a proper couple and said that if he didnt leave his gf then i would have to walk away. He didnt take his decidion lightly, he was a mess (with guilt about leaving a woman he had been with for most of his adult life and leaving his son to be a part time dad...which i guess he would have to be if he wanted to be with me). He saw Relate councellors, psychotherapists etc etc and did a lot of soul searching. To cut this long story short he left his gf and son to be with me. We were in love and love I though conquared all.

 

Anyway, so out of the afair we have been together for coming up to a year now. I love this man so much...and want nothing more than to live happily ever after with him.

 

However, since we have been in an actual realtionship things have not been easy. He is still wracked with guilt about leaving his small son and he wont tell his now ex about me as he thinks that she will stop him seeing his son as much and as easily as he has been doing..even tho we have been together a year!...dont get me started! lol! Anyway, what im trying to say is that we have has a lot of arguements about him not telling her and i guess i just want us to move quicker in our relationship than what it is....after all what was the point of him leaving a woman he was with (not married to) for 22 years and his son if he wasnt going to "be" with me properly...ie, live with me, buy a house, get married etc! He just seems unable/unwilling to commit...which i dont understand as he gave up so much to be with me and he said I was the love of his life!

 

Anyways...im waffeling...i just wanted to give you some background.

 

This is my real question:

 

He takes his son to a playgroup near where he lives most weekdays when he is not working. Basically to cut this long story short...i know that there is a woman there at the paygroup who he fancies/has a crush on...whatever...

How do i know this...well, he is the type of person who writes everything down and in March this year i saw a note he had written to himself (i admit i was snooping) and it said something like "do i want to settle down or do i want to be single and take other girls out (eg. Nadine)". Obviously i was like who the hell is Nadine??? Well, anout a month later i saw an email on his computer to the woman who runs the paygroup he goes to asking about children's parties...you guessed it...it was started "Dear Nadine". So, i now knew he liked a woman called Nadine and she ran the playgroup he attends with his son. I was really hurt about this but i was trying not to get too worked up about it and let my imagination run wild. After all I am logical enough to know that people do get crushes on people even when they are with someone...its himan nature...its just down to whether or not you try and take the crush further. Im sure we all have thoughts like he did at some point. The only difference is that my bf was stupid enough to write his thoughs down on paper.

 

Anyway, so cutting this long story stort again about two months ago i managed to look at his emails again. I know its bad but i have been hurt before so im trying to protect myself..and at the end of the day if he has nothing to hide then i shouldnt have found anything. However, i wouldnt be writing this if i had found nothing.

 

Basically, he keeps emailing her at her home address with things like "Hi Sexy, it was lovely to see you at playgoup today, i missed you while you were away (she had been on holiday), you looked bloody stunning, as you always do, thanks for cheering me up today, there is no better therapy than laughing with a beautiful girl"...that is a mish mash of about five email but they are the main bits that have upset me.

 

She writes back very ambiguous non commital short emails that are not flirty in the slightest (except for adding a x at the end) and saying stuff like "it was nice to see you".

 

So what i want to know is......what the hell is going on? Its clear he fancies her but is this enough do you think for me to leave him? Is it just harmless flirting on his behalf to give himself an ego boost or is he trying to start an affair with her (she is married)?

 

Have i just been privy to something I should have never seen or known about...or is the only reason he isnt jumping her bones right now because she hasnnt taken the bait.....??

 

I really dont know what to do. He is away at the moment and im staying round his flat. I looked at his email again and he wrote her a message last night saying it was good to see her at the playgroup yeaterday, that he is away at the moment, she looked stunning yesterday and they will catch up soon". I felt sick reading that.

 

I really though he loved me...does this mean he doesnt? he know's how much i have been hirt in the past and he promisedme he would never hurt me like that....so why is he doing this.

 

Is this enough for me to leave him for? If i do what do i say the reason is....i cant tell him ive hacked his email, can i? How else would i possible know about Nadine.

 

I feel sick and ive been in tears all evening....please help me...i really do not know what to do next.

 

LadyCakes x

[New Again]

We were in love and love I though conquared all.

 

"Leontyne Bennett skillfully dissected in 'The Commonwealth of Lost Vanities'(1969) Virgil's renowned quotation 'Love conquers all.'For centuries upon centuries we have been misinterpreting this famed trio of words. The uninformed masses breathlessly hold up this dwarfish phrase as a justification for snogging in public squares, abandoning wives, cuckolding husbands, for the escalating divorce rate, for swarms of bastard children begging for handouts in the Whitechapel and Aldgate tube stations - when in fact, there is nothing remotely encouraging or cheerful about this oft-quoted phrase. The Latin poet wrote 'Amor vincit omnia' or 'Love conquers all'. He did not write, 'Love frees all' or 'liberates' all, and therein lies the first degree of our flagrant misunderstanding. Conquer: to defeat, subjugate, massacre, cream, make mincemeat out of. Surely this cannot be a positive thing. And then he wrote, 'conquers all' - not exclusively the unpleasant things, destitution, assassination, burglary, but all, including pleasure, peace, common sense, liberty and self-determination. And thus we may appreciate that Virgil's words are not encouragement, but rather a caveat, a cue to evade, shirk, elude the feeling at all costs, else we risk the massacre of the things we hold most dear, including ones sense of self."

 

I'll just add that you already know he's a cheater.

[Quest]

what was the point of him leaving a woman he was with (not married to) for 22 years and his son if he wasnt going to "be" with me properly...ie, live with me, buy a house, get married etc! He just seems unable/unwilling to commit...which i dont understand as he gave up so much to be with me and he said I was the love of his life!

I hate to say it but maybe he was more interested in leaving his former girlfriend than he was in being with you, perhaps because he felt tied down.

 

Basically, he keeps emailing her at her home address with things like "Hi Sexy, it was lovely to see you at playgoup today, i missed you while you were away (she had been on holiday), you looked bloody stunning, as you always do, thanks for cheering me up today, there is no better therapy than laughing with a beautiful girl"...that is a mish mash of about five email but they are the main bits that have upset me.

 

If alarm bells weren't already ringing they should be by now.

 

She writes back very ambiguous non commital short emails that are not flirty in the slightest (except for adding a x at the end) and saying stuff like "it was nice to see you". !

 

Sounds like she doesn't want to play ball which is probably making him even more determined to 'get' her. He always wants the 'forbidden fruit' - first you, now her.

 

So what i want to know is......what the hell is going on? Its clear he fancies her but is this enough do you think for me to leave him? Is it just harmless flirting on his behalf to give himself an ego boost or is he trying to start an affair with her (she is married)?

What is going on is that he wants this woman to be as interested in him as he is in her. She is a challenge and he's a man who wants what he can't have. It boosts his ego but that doesn't mean it is harmless. This woman may not reciprocate but it doesn't mean that he wouldn't enter into an affair with her if she was willing.

 

Have i just been privy to something I should have never seen or known about...or is the only reason he isnt jumping her bones right now because she hasnnt taken the bait.....??

 

I really dont know what to do. He is away at the moment and im staying round his flat. I looked at his email again and he wrote her a message last night saying it was good to see her at the playgroup yeaterday, that he is away at the moment, she looked stunning yesterday and they will catch up soon". I felt sick reading that.

Of course you felt sick reading that stuff ... anyone in your position would. As to what to do - if you want to preserve your self esteem then you should not be with a man who clearly has no concern for your feelings and is more interested in a woman he sees at his son's playgroup than he is in you! He hasn't even told his previous girlfriend about you which suggests he is not committed to you or your relationship, also that he doesn't like hassle or unpleasantness and these things are more important to him than giving you due respect.

 

I really though he loved me...does this mean he doesnt? he know's how much i have been hirt in the past and he promisedme he would never hurt me like that....so why is he doing this.

Because he is selfish and his own feelings and ego matter to him more than you do. That you have been hurt in the past is the last thing on his mind.

 

Is this enough for me to leave him for? If i do what do i say the reason is....i cant tell him ive hacked his email, can i? How else would i possible know about Nadine.

Do you need to provide him with a reason? Isn't his behaviour reason enough for you just to leave? Really, it's time to think about yourself and put YOU first.

 

I feel sick and ive been in tears all evening....please help me...i really do not know what to do next.

 

I know it must be really hurtful but you're going to have to face up to the truth of his actions. When you do that you will know exactly what to do next ... get out! Just my thoughts. I wish you well and really hope you can have the strength and self respect to look after yourself here.