LonelyTiger Posted September 9, 2009 Posted September 9, 2009 Hi Everyone. It's a few months now since I last posted and I'm really just on here to update you all. Some of you were a great support to me between March and June this year when I was having a really tough time coping with my husband working overseas. I want to thank you again for being there for me. I had thought that my marriage would never end. My husband is the love of my life and he says I am still his. He has been my best friend since I was a child and I can't imagine my life without him. But sadly that's how it is now. He came home in June and announced that he didn't know if he wanted to be committed to our marriage any more, and my whole world collapsed around my ears. I don't know what's going on with him and, although you'll all have your theories, there's nothing I haven't thought of myself. I suspect he's having a mid life crisis - he's just hit that age. Whatever it is, it doesn't make any difference, the end result is that he has distanced himself from me emotionally now, as well as physically. I probably should have seen it coming but I honestly thought that we were indestructible. I still can't believe it's happened. I have some very good friends and family who are helping me through this and I started therapy yesterday. Fingers crossed somehow I will cope until the pain goes away. I guess I could start posting on the separation and divorce forum - makes me feel sick to even think it. Thank you again to all of you who were there for me. I wish you all the very best with your relationships and I'll be keeping an eye out for all the happy endings. LT
KikiW Posted September 9, 2009 Posted September 9, 2009 Oh LT, I am so very very sorry I don't know if this will be of ANY help, but I had posted this link to a New York Times article in the Marriage and Partnerships section to see what others thoughts of it. Since you mentioned a mid-life crisis, maybe it will give you something to think about, or something to share with him? http://www.nytimes.com/2009/08/02/fashion/02love.html?_r=3&em=&adxnnl=1&adxnnlx=1249491680-+mZu1nw+SV77dAec1Yoqqg Again, NO idea if it will be of any help. I am not sure I would have taken the same approach as the wife in the article, but other posters found it to be very illuminating and helpful.
TMichaels Posted September 9, 2009 Posted September 9, 2009 LT, I'm sorry to hear about you and your husband as well. Good for you, however, for rallying friends, family and the fortitude to go to counseling to help you through. Wishing you all the best. TMichaels P.S. Kiki, thanks for posting the link to the NYT article. I'm also not sure I would have been able to stay the course like the author, but *it is* a very interesting approach to a (unfortunately) not so uncommon problem that obviously *can* work.
Author LonelyTiger Posted September 9, 2009 Author Posted September 9, 2009 Thank you KikiW. Strangely that article does give me some comfort and I can totally relate to what the woman is saying. My husband said that he still loves me but not the way he used to and that he doesn't know what he wants right now. I pretty much told him I didn't believe him - but I certainly wasn't calm about it. Everybody we know says he's just mixed up, but he's turned into a different person since I last saw him at Easter and I don't recognise him any more. Maybe I just have to wait it out like she did - although since he's been living on the other side of the world for 12 months you would have thought he'd had enough space. I guess time will tell.
Els Posted September 9, 2009 Posted September 9, 2009 Oh, honey, I'm so very sorry!! I'm keeping my fingers crossed for you as well. I hope you'll find happiness again soon, and I hope you know we're all here with you til you do.
Island Girl Posted September 10, 2009 Posted September 10, 2009 LT I have often thought about you. You had come here so often for a time I wondered why you were so suddenly absent. Sometimes it happens here on LS that posters just go missing for a little while - or sometimes forever. Sometimes we know why and sometimes we don't. I am so very sorry to hear this is your reason for being silent these last few months. I am at a loss as to what to say. I am so bad at things like this. I am angry for you. And I am hurt for you. I hope you will find comfort here and a place to scream and rant if necessary or a place to come any hour of any day when you need it. {{{{LonelyTiger}}}}
Spirit of the Ocean Posted September 10, 2009 Posted September 10, 2009 Hi LT, I haven't posted here much lately but I come here on and off and I was thinking of you as you hadn't posted here in a while. I remember when I first posted on LS aages ago you were the first person to reply and I was really touched 'cos I was going through a pretty rough time and was looking for comfort anywhere, so thank you so much for that! I'm so sorry to hear about your news, I can't even begin to imagine how you must be feeling. I'm glad to hear you have good family and friends around you, that really is so important! There probably isn't much I could say to make you feel better but I hope you know that I (and many other posters here) are thinking of you and crossing our fingers for your happy ending. (((((hugs)))))
Author LonelyTiger Posted September 10, 2009 Author Posted September 10, 2009 Thank you all so much for your support and kind words. Right now, I really don't know how I'm going to get through this. I just can't imagine my life without my husband. In five weeks time it would have been our 10th wedding anniversary! Based on the article that KikiW posted, I am tempted to send him a card saying that he should take all the time he needs, be whoever he needs to be and do whatever he needs to do, and when he's ready, come home. Maybe all he needs is that space. The other side of me wants to rant and scream and tell him he's behaving like an idiot and he can't do this to us. He won't find anything so special with anyone else, he must know that! It's so unreal! How can he still say I'm the love of his life and not want to be with me. He's got a screw loose in his head somewhere. I just hope he finds it again - and soon!
Island Girl Posted September 10, 2009 Posted September 10, 2009 Thank you all so much for your support and kind words. Right now, I really don't know how I'm going to get through this. I just can't imagine my life without my husband. In five weeks time it would have been our 10th wedding anniversary! Based on the article that KikiW posted, I am tempted to send him a card saying that he should take all the time he needs, be whoever he needs to be and do whatever he needs to do, and when he's ready, come home. Maybe all he needs is that space. The other side of me wants to rant and scream and tell him he's behaving like an idiot and he can't do this to us. He won't find anything so special with anyone else, he must know that! It's so unreal! How can he still say I'm the love of his life and not want to be with me. He's got a screw loose in his head somewhere. I just hope he finds it again - and soon! I read the article. I think it would be worth the effort to try that approach. Certainly getting divorced is not what you want. So I'd send the card. I would tell him, as she said, that he should take as much time as he needs to work through whatever is going on. Do whatever he needs to do but your family and household will remain intact. In that time you have as much leeway as you need to rant, scream, break things, etc. The difficult thing is that he is away. The woman in the article had her husband still living there and seeing day to day life. But truly with all that the two of you have shared - that doesn't just immediately go away. This job he is doing WILL come to an end. And then where will he go? Perhaps as the man in the article said - he will find his way home to you.
Author LonelyTiger Posted September 10, 2009 Author Posted September 10, 2009 Thank you Island Girl. I think I will send that card and I'll include a few photos to remind him what he's considering walking away from. He doesn't want a divorce any more than I do. What he says he wants right now is for us to stay friends. He wants to carry on coming home during the holidays, Christmas and Summer anyway, and spend time with me. But not as a couple!!! He's still talking about the possibility of us going on holiday together next year!!! I don't get it, I really don't! We did have a big romantic holiday booked in the Maldives for 2010 (when he was supposed to be finishing his contract) but obviously that will have to be cancelled. Just can't bring myself to do it yet. I couldn't go there with him unless it was as a couple. The Maldives has too much meaning for us. He extended his contract to end in 2011, and I don't think he'll want to stay out there any longer. What will he do then? Good question. I hope he'll come home to me.
Bearandsue Posted September 10, 2009 Posted September 10, 2009 I am so so sorry you are going through this...... I don't know what advice to offer since I have never been in a situation like this. I really think he is going through a "mid-life crisis". He knows what he has is good with you which is why he is not talking divorce. I think it is really unfair what he is doing to you though, completely utterly unfair. I wish you all the best.
carvidep Posted September 11, 2009 Posted September 11, 2009 I haven't written anything on this thread yet because, like others have said, I am in unspeakable disbelief. I'm so incredibly sorry that this is happening to you. I don't understand what could be going through his head, to treat you like that, saying he wants to be your "friend" but still wear the ring and the title of your husband. What he's doing is incredibly mean, rude, and selfish in my opinion. I know that it's a very delicate situation, so I'm not gonna throw any advice in here because I know marriage is a whole different ball game. But I do want to wish you the best of luck, hun. Stay strong. I hope he gets hit in the face by reality (really really REALLY hard!) and comes back to you! *HUGGGGG!!!*
Maggs Posted September 15, 2009 Posted September 15, 2009 OMG!! I'm so sorry for you LT. What a terribly sad story. I can't remember if you have children together or not? I can't imagine why he's acting like this! He seems to still care so much for you and you both have a deep bond together. I hope whatever crisis he's going through at the moment, things will come out better for you both (whichever way) in the end. My heart goes out to you. I'll be thinking of you!
Recommended Posts