I can't forgive myself, and it's ruining me

[gt77]

My girlfriend (now fiancee) and I dated for three years, during two of which I was living on another continent and didn't get to see her often (maybe two months out of the year). She was very attached to me and our relationship was the first long-distance relationship I've had that actually worked for as long as it did. When we were together (which wasn't often), things were wonderful.

 

She wanted to get married, and I told her that I wasn't going to be ready until I moved back to the United States - I had way too much to worry about, and I thought it would be better for us in the long run to gauge our relationship after dealing with each other daily for at least six months. She said she understood, but I still felt a lot of pressure.

 

After not having seen my then-girlfriend for a few months, I went to a holiday party and met an older woman who was very attracted to me. We went back to my apartment and I slept with her. I hadn't felt that kind of intimacy for a long time, and the alcohol didn't help the situation. I slept with her again the next week. Both times I couldn't get an erection. I told the other woman that I was in a long-distance, albeit serious relationship, and she asked me if I loved my girlfriend, and I stayed silent. I was torn up inside. She nodded and said I was in love with my girlfriend. She left and, believe it or not, moved away that week, and I never saw her again.

 

I wrote an email to my best friend, who was serving in Iraq, to explain what happened, and to get advice. He told me to not worry about it, primarily because he wasn't aware of how much closer my relationship with my girlfriend had grown since he left.

 

I spent a lot of time praying about it, and eventually rededicated myself to my girlfriend and our relationship. I never told her about what had happened. It made me feel sick sometimes, and I felt my self-confidence go down the drain. Since I couldn't even trust myself, I grew jealous about my then-girlfriend's male coworkers when I had absolutely no reason to be.

 

After eight months, I moved home, and our relationship became fantastic. I asked her to marry me six months later. I was so happy, and I couldn't believe that I had such a beautiful girl agreeing to be my wife. I bought her an expensive ring, and I truly was the luckiest man on earth. God, I loved her.

 

I had to go away on a trip for a weekend, and lent her my laptop for her to use. While I was away, she opened up my email program (Apple Mail, which unbenownst to me, automatically saved all my old sent emails when I played around with setting up a POP account) and searched for the romantic emails I sent to her while we were dating long-distance. I had no problem with her going through my laptop; we share passwords all the time anyways, so what was there to worry about?

 

I got a text message from her in the middle of a meeting, and by her language, I could tell something was very wrong. I excused myself and called her, and she asked me if I had cheated on her in the past. I had no idea why she was asking me this. As soon as she started reading verbatim the emails I had sent to my best friend (the one in Iraq), I felt myself turn pale, and I had to hold onto the edge of a wall to steady myself. What I had done so long ago, what I had thought was ancient history, came back and completely blindsided me.

 

I spent the next three hours with her over the phone. I cried and she cried. None of my coworkers knew where I had gone. I was a mess, and I needed help. I've never been that close to suicide before. I couldn't bear to hear her crying, and her calling me a hypocrite for asking her to come with me to church now and then. She said she felt sick and didn't feel that she could physically touch me anymore. Her embarassment was extreme. I asked if it was over between us.

 

She was silent for a bit, and then said quietly, "Over? I hate you right now for what you did to me, but I still love you, and I miss you, and I feel terrible..."

 

I told her how much I loved her, how much I had changed, how much WE had grown as a couple, over and over again.

 

She forgave me. She showed me the kind of grace I had only heard about in church, the kind of grace that completely saves someone from the punishment they absolutely deserve, a grace I had never truly experienced before. She had no reason to forgive me other than that she really, truly loved me with everything she had. I was worthless, I hated myself, and she decided to take me back.

 

The next day, after not much sleep and a lot of ashamed prayer, I was on an Army base, and a chaplain showed up to one of the training sites I was supervising, for no real reason other than just to see what was going on. I took him aside and poured my heart out, struggling with my composure. I asked him if I would ever be able to look my fiancee in the eyes again. He explained that he was in a similar situation in the beginning of his marriage, and that type of emotional wound isn't a pinprick -- it's like getting sliced with a combat knife. He said it would take a long time to heal, it would throb now and then, and the scar would never go away, and only time would lessen the trauma. He said because of what he went through, his marriage was much stronger than it ever had been. He also said that there might be a chance in the future to show a friend experiencing the same thing that a potential positive outcome exists. I would be able to say, "Hey man, my wife and I went through the same thing as you, and look how good we are now. I can help."

 

Since that horrible time, my relationship with my fiancee has grown stronger than ever. I told her that I was willing to do whatever possible to help her trust me again. We've been through pre-marriage counseling, and things are looking up. I wrote her a lot of letters, the last one explaining how I need to forgive myself in order to move on.

 

The reason why I'm posting is this: Every now and then, waves of emotion come back unexpectedly and I feel like I can't stand myself for doing what I did. I'm punishing the hell out of myself, and I'm wondering why I can't move on. I told her I would forgive myself, I owe that to our relationship. Its been about five months since she found out, and I still have trouble dealing with forgiving myself. She's moved on successfully, why can't I?

[Untouchable_Fire]

The reason why I'm posting is this: Every now and then, waves of emotion come back unexpectedly and I feel like I can't stand myself for doing what I did. I'm punishing the hell out of myself, and I'm wondering why I can't move on. I told her I would forgive myself, I owe that to our relationship. Its been about five months since she found out, and I still have trouble dealing with forgiving myself. She's moved on successfully, why can't I?

 

It never completely goes away. It just gets better with time.

 

Just channel those emotions into actions that will make you a better husband.

[gt77]

Thank you for sharing your story. The kindness in your heart and soul really shine through. How can you forgive yourself? Through the grace of God. What is dark in this world claps its hands when good is conquered. Even though you have done the right things your relationship is overshadowed by a bit of darkness and if there is evil in this world it rejoices because the goodness in all its perfection has been tainted. How do we triumph over adversity? We ask forgiveness, atone and set our hearts and lives on the straight and narrow. We commit our lives to doing good work and to doing right by those we are blessed with. Transmute the bad to good by learning from your actions, and living right and good. Remorse is a dark pool you can drown in... thusly doing wrong to both you and your fiance. Creating further harm. Let it go.

 

Good point. Thanks. Whenever I do feel bad, it makes me want to do something nice to show how much I appreciate her, whether its a cheap ice cream or random flowers. She's been starting to do the same for me lately as well. It'll take time, I guess. I hope my regret eventually completely changes into something positive.

[gt77]

Certain damages can never be undone to a realtionship. Affair tains relationship and it will never be innocent again.

 

10 years down the road, if she has an opportunity to cheat on you with a co-worker or a friend whom she is attracted to, she will have this justification to go for it, because no one will ever forget betrayal like that.

 

That's the price I have to pay. I'm dedicated to her, I'm going to remain completely open and vulnerable, and put my absolute trust in her, as she has decided to do for me, even after what I did.

 

Isn't this the risk we all take when we get married? Put our absolute trust in someone, to the point it's near stupid?

 

What I did was a choice - a very bad one - but it does not stain permanently. That's where I disagree with you.

 

My relationship is not tarnished because of my behavior. I made a bad choice; however, no single decision has the potential to define who I am. I have not lost anything from this experience except the ignorance which is necessary to judge myself and others. I will forgive myself today - only by doing so will I be able to love and give again to the people around me.

 

Wouldn't you rather be in a relationship with someone who knows they are capable of cheating and yet they are consciously choosing to be faithful; as opposed to someone who mistakenly thinks they are just naturally incapable of certain behaviors?

 

I choose to be faithful. I don't automatically assume it. Now I have the wisdom to be truly trustworthy, and my fiancee recognizes it.

[gt77]

Nah, most of us, if not all, would rather be in a relationship with someone who would never choose to cheat.

 

Thanks for the help.

[gt77]

I'm starting to get the idea that cheaters won't find a lot of remorse here. Thanks for the help, you first few who lent a kind word. I guess I'm out.

[bentnotbroken]

Forgiveness is a gift from God and you don't have the right to punish someone he has forgiven. That includes yourself.

[Dexter Morgan]

question for you....what would you do if one week before your wedding, she came to you and said, "after you cheated on me, I went out with the girls and ended up having sex with a man that was highly attracted to me and me in him." what would you do? would you still go on with the wedding?