You'reasian Posted September 13, 2009 Posted September 13, 2009 Run the other way! Sounds like she's still playing and she's not ready for you. My advice to her...never ever tell a man how many men you've slept with. In his mind, even a few can be intimidating. hmmm. Some of us guys have been with women who've been around and it was never an issue. Why? I think its the mindset - they're focused on the guy they're with at the time and he's thinking the same way. That way, the no. of persons never comes up.
fatamus Posted September 14, 2009 Posted September 14, 2009 All i will say is, if you can live and not think about that stuff then keep her. There is no way i could be with someone who has done even one 3some, but thats me.
Trialbyfire Posted September 14, 2009 Posted September 14, 2009 It appears that the two of you have different value systems and also weren't honest with each other, right out the gate. This makes me question how solid you feel any future relationship with her, might be.
Author theowls Posted September 14, 2009 Author Posted September 14, 2009 I am hanging in there. She was kidnapped, raped and tortured at the age of 15 and hated herself. She used either cutting herself or sex to relieve pain. I've had ****ed up things done to me as well and when I was much younger. She says she wants to leave it all behind her and make a fresh start, with our commitment to each other. We must leave behind our pasts and all the dishonesty and mistrust. It still hurts me to know the things she's done but if they stay in the past, then this can work.
Bejita463 Posted September 14, 2009 Posted September 14, 2009 I am hanging in there. She was kidnapped, raped and tortured at the age of 15 and hated herself. She used either cutting herself or sex to relieve pain. I've had ****ed up things done to me as well and when I was much younger. She says she wants to leave it all behind her and make a fresh start, with our commitment to each other. We must leave behind our pasts and all the dishonesty and mistrust. It still hurts me to know the things she's done but if they stay in the past, then this can work. The bold parts are the ones I feel are relevant. Leaving behind your dishonestly and distrust is very important too, but neither one of you should feel you have to make excuses for your pasts.
lino Posted September 14, 2009 Posted September 14, 2009 She is 22 years old and has slept with 54 men. !!!! I feel hopeless. I don't feel like being alive. What can I do? I'd leave her. You have nothing to feel hopeless about.
In_Repair Posted September 14, 2009 Posted September 14, 2009 Every link to her sexual past must be eliminated from your lives. If not, there will always be reminders for both of you. Every time she feels neglected or mistreated in your relationship, one of her old buddies will be there to remind her of the "fun times"... or one of her old "friends" will constantly be waiting in the wings for things to go sour between you two... or you will find some old letters or emails... something will constantly be there... If her past is such a problem for you and she really wants to move past it, then she needs to totally remove herself from it. That will allow you to at least move past wondering if her promiscuity will eventually come back and ruin your relationship with her. All of the other concerns you have now are things that will go away with time and the progression of your relationship. In her defense... I know a chick who was a family oriented professional 10 years ago, until her ex stabbed her three times and then tried to choke her to death with the phone cord. Now, she's the biggest slut I know. I don't understand it... and I probably never will, but I know her experiences sure screwed her up in this regard. With your girl, maybe you will be the one that she turns her life around for, or maybe she will use you for a few months and then toss you to the side for another man. Who knows? You do love her though, and you are already involved with her at this point, so why not give her the benefit of the doubt until she gives you a real reason not to?
Chicago_Guy Posted September 14, 2009 Posted September 14, 2009 I have an enormous problem with my girlfriend's past. We are in a committed relationship and I love her deeply. I am enormously depressed. She is 22 years old and has slept with 54 men. I'm 31 and have been with 10 women. She suffered a trauma in her mid-teens and she has attributed her past promiscious behavior to it. She spent the next 5 years hoping around, hooking up with random guys at parties and bars, engaging in threesomes and, until last year, was working in a strip-club, where I found out she was paid (3 times) a few thousands dollars for satisfying men with her hands at bachelor parties. She says she'd take her past back if she could, but she's had a few slips in her cleaned-up facade. She's said that her promiscious times were "fun". She said its been nearly 3 years since she stopped sleeping around but then I found out that 10 months ago she engaged in a threesome at the encouragement of her most recent boyfriend with two teammates from his baseball team. We've been moving forward quickly and have moved in together. I'm getting a divorce and she has freaked out a few times over "lies", which were really details of my past relationships which I left out so I wouldn't hurt her. It was wrong and stupid but I did it and we worked past it. BTW, I've been separated for nearly 2 years. Last night, I found out that shes been engaged in a 6-year emotional affair with a 40something guy. She mentioned him as a "friend" to me when we first meet and apparently broke it off finally a couple weeks after meeting me. She also said shes never told another man she's loved him. I'm not proud of the way I found out, which was looking at her email account after she left it up on her computer. I saw numerously emails from her to him that counted the ways in which she loved him and several with nude photos attached. I believe her that she loves me deeply and wants to break off from her past, but I'm not sure what I can do to get past the hurt I feel. I sometimes thinks what kind of person throws themselves around like that? I go around all with harrowing mental images of her sex acts in my mind all day. I feel hopeless. I don't feel like being alive. What can I do? You might like this girl, but you need to be realistic here. It sounds like you and her have very different values. It appears as though she is proud of her promiscuous past, whereas it disgusts you. It would disgust me and many other guys too and I don't think I could have a serious relationship with someone like that.
oldguy Posted September 16, 2009 Posted September 16, 2009 I see a pretty big discrepancy between the first sentence and the next two. you don't generally say that something is trauma-related and that it's also "fun" and "healthy" - which is it? I'm not sure that is true. I know a woman who was molested as a young girl and "loosing her innocence" that way changed her perspective of sex and she later found herself engaging in a promiscuous lifestyle which she later in life regrets but still enjoyed at the time. Which indirectly leads me to wonder if some of the issues with retroactive jealousy might have to do with different views of sex. A lot of people seem to view sex as something that is a very intimate expression of love between two people while others see it as something that they simply enjoy. While these two example may represent extremes, and I'm sure there are varying degrees of what sex means to different people, I have to wonder if at least a small part of the problem might be an incompatibility with varying views of what sex might mean to the individual. If this is the case it may be a matter of finding some common ground. As with all relationships, compromise is essential as long as you don't compromise your core values.
oldguy Posted September 16, 2009 Posted September 16, 2009 As crud as this is I have to say it; She got a grand for a hand job! I've gotten more for dinner and drinks. LOL Sorry but it had to be said.
Dexter Morgan Posted September 16, 2009 Posted September 16, 2009 I have an enormous problem with my girlfriend's past. We are in a committed relationship and I love her deeply. I am enormously depressed. She is 22 years old and has slept with 54 men. OUCH. I don't expect a woman to be a virgin and not have a few partners, but 54? I can understand your problem here. It would seem that a person that likes to have that many partners will never be satisfied having sex with the same person for too long a period of time. People like that like the variety of having sex with different people. I have to suggest that maybe she is not the one for you....or anyone else for that matter. I'm 31 and have been with 10 women. She suffered a trauma in her mid-teens and she has attributed her past promiscious behavior to it. I don't buy that line. It seems to be used all too often. She spent the next 5 years hoping around, hooking up with random guys at parties and bars, engaging in threesomes and, until last year, was working in a strip-club, where I found out she was paid (3 times) a few thousands dollars for satisfying men with her hands at bachelor parties. run like the wind....this one is not good for you. She says she'd take her past back if she could, but she's had a few slips in her cleaned-up facade. She's said that her promiscious times were "fun". thats when I'd have exited right there. did she think you really wanted to hear that? She said its been nearly 3 years since she stopped sleeping around but then I found out that 10 months ago she engaged in a threesome at the encouragement of her most recent boyfriend with two teammates from his baseball team. so she lied. We've been moving forward quickly and have moved in together. oh my brutha....please tell me you didn't. oh no. BTW, I've been separated for nearly 2 years. Last night, I found out that shes been engaged in a 6-year emotional affair with a 40something guy. She mentioned him as a "friend" to me when we first meet and apparently broke it off finally a couple weeks after meeting me. RUN!!!!!! She also said shes never told another man she's loved him. I'm not proud of the way I found out, which was looking at her email account after she left it up on her computer. I saw numerously emails from her to him that counted the ways in which she loved him and several with nude photos attached. F#####G RUN!!!!!!!! I believe her that she loves me deeply and wants to break off from her past, but I'm not sure what I can do to get past the hurt I feel. I sometimes thinks what kind of person throws themselves around like that? a person that isn't satisfied being tied down to sex with just one guy. Make like Bruce Jenner and RUN!!! I go around all with harrowing mental images of her sex acts in my mind all day. I feel hopeless. I don't feel like being alive. What can I do? get a new girl. not only will she get bored with sex with you, especially if she likes 3somes, she is too young. What do you think will happen as you get older and you start to not look so good while she will still be a hottie? Get someone you can grow old with that wants monogomous sex.
Dexter Morgan Posted September 16, 2009 Posted September 16, 2009 Oh christ, quit with the past is the past BS people. This girl didn't sleep with 10 or 15 guys. She is 22 and slept with FIFTY FOUR. I'm sorry, but that's a grade A skank right there. Most women don't sleep with that many men in their entire lives, this girl did it by age 22. Exactly! a past is a past, but a past like hers cannot be overlooked. Its like the old Lay's potato chip commercial. "Bet she she can't f##k just one!!!"
whichwayisup Posted September 17, 2009 Posted September 17, 2009 I am hanging in there. She was kidnapped, raped and tortured at the age of 15 and hated herself. She used either cutting herself or sex to relieve pain. I've had ****ed up things done to me as well and when I was much younger. She says she wants to leave it all behind her and make a fresh start, with our commitment to each other. We must leave behind our pasts and all the dishonesty and mistrust. It still hurts me to know the things she's done but if they stay in the past, then this can work. She has some serious issues and things that have happened to her run deep. I really hope she's seen a therapist, or is seeing one now.. She's broken and will be for a long time.. This stuff doesn't GO AWAY, but it can be dealt with in a healthier way.. She's learned certain unhealthy behaviours over the years - Coping mechnisms. Time will tell, but you two need to do counselling together, and she needs to go on her own as well. This won't be an easy relationship, but if you truly love her and feel she's worth it, then see what happens. Try to look in the NOW, and the future, not focus on the past.. Unless her behaviour is questionable, she's having inappropriate friendships with other guys, then that's not good.
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