theowls Posted September 9, 2009 Posted September 9, 2009 I have an enormous problem with my girlfriend's past. We are in a committed relationship and I love her deeply. I am enormously depressed. She is 22 years old and has slept with 54 men. I'm 31 and have been with 10 women. She suffered a trauma in her mid-teens and she has attributed her past promiscious behavior to it. She spent the next 5 years hoping around, hooking up with random guys at parties and bars, engaging in threesomes and, until last year, was working in a strip-club, where I found out she was paid (3 times) a few thousands dollars for satisfying men with her hands at bachelor parties. She says she'd take her past back if she could, but she's had a few slips in her cleaned-up facade. She's said that her promiscious times were "fun". She said its been nearly 3 years since she stopped sleeping around but then I found out that 10 months ago she engaged in a threesome at the encouragement of her most recent boyfriend with two teammates from his baseball team. We've been moving forward quickly and have moved in together. I'm getting a divorce and she has freaked out a few times over "lies", which were really details of my past relationships which I left out so I wouldn't hurt her. It was wrong and stupid but I did it and we worked past it. BTW, I've been separated for nearly 2 years. Last night, I found out that shes been engaged in a 6-year emotional affair with a 40something guy. She mentioned him as a "friend" to me when we first meet and apparently broke it off finally a couple weeks after meeting me. She also said shes never told another man she's loved him. I'm not proud of the way I found out, which was looking at her email account after she left it up on her computer. I saw numerously emails from her to him that counted the ways in which she loved him and several with nude photos attached. I believe her that she loves me deeply and wants to break off from her past, but I'm not sure what I can do to get past the hurt I feel. I sometimes thinks what kind of person throws themselves around like that? I go around all with harrowing mental images of her sex acts in my mind all day. I feel hopeless. I don't feel like being alive. What can I do?
Bejita463 Posted September 9, 2009 Posted September 9, 2009 Did you ask about her past, or did she tell you on your own? If it was you, my opinion is that you really had no business asking that question in the first place so long as she is not putting you at risk for STDs. Even if she is, the focus should be the STDs themselves, not how she got them. Don't ask questions that you may not be able to handle the answers to.
mark982 Posted September 9, 2009 Posted September 9, 2009 you can't change her past,as long as it "stays" in her past. you're going to have to work on you,either except it or move on,her actions with speak volumns.
Author theowls Posted September 9, 2009 Author Posted September 9, 2009 She would start a story and then stop it, like "one time I slept with this guy and..." She didn't want to tell me the rest because she said it would be hurtful for me. But then I always have a morbid curiosity and ask her to finish. If she didn't want to be hurtful, she could have just not have started talking about it. I do know that I either have to accept it and move past it or leave. I don't think I could leave her but I have this anxiety about the fact she would call her past sex life "healthy".
reservoirdog1 Posted September 9, 2009 Posted September 9, 2009 There's not much more to it than what the previous posters have said. Her past is her past, and she owes you neither an explanation nor an apology. The only questions are (1) is she disease-free, (2) is she faithful to you, and (3) can you handle her past and leave it where it belongs. If you can answer yes to all three questions, then that's the end of it. Her past may say things about her. And somebody with her past may not be your cup of tea. But if you're going to be with her, you need to accept it, be happy, and not interrogate her about it. It doesn't sound to me like she's been hiding things from you; she simply happens to have a fairly detailed and complex history and hasn't seen the need to tell you every detail. Who would want to do that? You already know a lot about her past; how much more do you need to know?
AAlike Posted September 9, 2009 Posted September 9, 2009 She suffered a trauma in her mid-teens and she has attributed her past promiscious behavior to it. She's said that her promiscious times were "fun". I don't think I could leave her but I have this anxiety about the fact she would call her past sex life "healthy". I see a pretty big discrepancy between the first sentence and the next two. you don't generally say that something is trauma-related and that it's also "fun" and "healthy" - which is it?
Spectre Posted September 9, 2009 Posted September 9, 2009 Oh christ, quit with the past is the past BS people. This girl didn't sleep with 10 or 15 guys. She is 22 and slept with FIFTY FOUR. I'm sorry, but that's a grade A skank right there. Most women don't sleep with that many men in their entire lives, this girl did it by age 22. Numbers that high are usually reserved for hookers or porn stars. No offense to the poster, but damn, couldn't you do better than a chick who probably boned any guy that ever showed her attention? Plus she actually prostituted herself man, wtf? She had a personal trauma and turned into a slut because of it? What a lovely excuse. Then I'd question her saying it was "fun" being that promicuous. I mean..54 guys? She had to of been treated like a mere object, one could question what sort of person would have "fun" with that. So what's gonna happen the next time some guy starts treating her like that? Sadly some women thrive off being treated that way. Oh, and the whole 6 year emotional affair is a red flag too. This girl is obviously, for lack of a better phrase, an attention whore. Not only was she going around banging every guy in sight not enough for her, she also needed attention from some poor sap online. In other words, she wanted to be "loved" by someone, but get to be a whore at the same time. She also lied to you about it, told you the guy was just a friend. I'm sure most of the guy's she's been with were "just friends". Sure, the past is the past, but the past always makes up who we are as a person. What this girl's past says about her is not good. If I was you, I'd cut my losses now and just get her out of my life. Sure, there is a chance she could turn out to be this wonderful, non-skanky girl..but her past says she will most likely be the opposite of that. Plus there is just the creepiness of her claiming being like that was FUN.
Untouchable_Fire Posted September 9, 2009 Posted September 9, 2009 I have an enormous problem with my girlfriend's past. We are in a committed relationship and I love her deeply. I am enormously depressed. She is 22 years old and has slept with 54 men. I'm 31 and have been with 10 women. She suffered a trauma in her mid-teens and she has attributed her past promiscious behavior to it. She spent the next 5 years hoping around, hooking up with random guys at parties and bars, engaging in threesomes and, until last year, was working in a strip-club, where I found out she was paid (3 times) a few thousands dollars for satisfying men with her hands at bachelor parties. What the hell do you expect dating a stripper? I'm surprised she can remember the exact number... 54... once you get that high things start slipping through the cracks in your memory. It could be 53 men and a donkey... who freakin knows. Bottom line though. You say you can't leave her... so your just going to have to get past it. This is what helped my good friend. Emotional distance!
looking4 green grass Posted September 9, 2009 Posted September 9, 2009 How long have you been with this young lady?
Spectre Posted September 9, 2009 Posted September 9, 2009 Oh and to the OP: Don't ever think that you can't leave her. Trust me, there are plenty of fish in the sea and 99.9% of them haven't been with 54 guys by the age of 22. Do you honestly wanna settle down with a girl like this? Make a family with a girl like this? I can't imagine how anyone would, but I guess everyone is different. But damn..54! I feel like I might catch an std just from replying to a post made by someone who has had contact with her, lol.
reservoirdog1 Posted September 9, 2009 Posted September 9, 2009 Oh christ, quit with the past is the past BS people. This girl didn't sleep with 10 or 15 guys. She is 22 and slept with FIFTY FOUR. I'm sorry, but that's a grade A skank right there. Most women don't sleep with that many men in their entire lives, this girl did it by age 22. Numbers that high are usually reserved for hookers or porn stars. No offense to the poster, but damn, couldn't you do better than a chick who probably boned any guy that ever showed her attention? Plus she actually prostituted herself man, wtf? She had a personal trauma and turned into a slut because of it? What a lovely excuse. You're missing my point. Nowhere did I say that he should stay with her. I said that somebody with her past may not be the person he's okay being with. To expand on that, I don't think he'd be in the wrong for not wanting to be with her. But that's a personal decision on his part. 54 guys by 22 may be a hell of a lot. (I happen to think it is.) Fortunately, he has a choice -- stay in the relationship, or end it. It was pretty dumb of him, frankly, to move in with her knowing the major aspects of her past (and presumably already being highly bothered by it). If he has a problem with her past, he shouldn't be with her. If he nonetheless chooses to be with her despite his problem with her past, then IMHO he is choosing to accept her past and must find a way to deal with it privately, on his own, without putting her on trial. When I say "the past is the past", that's all I mean. No more, no less.
AAlike Posted September 9, 2009 Posted September 9, 2009 Spectre, you really should try and be less judgemental when giving advice - it undermines your points. I mean the guy is in love, why you think that is cool or at all helpful to throw in crap like "slut" and "whore" is totally beyond me. That said, I do agree with Spectre's overall point though - if it were me, there are just too many red flags here for me to believe that this girl is ready for the type of relationship that you probably want, or that she even knows that she really loves you. I mean first off she's 22 - I'm just about your age and I'd NEVER try and get serious with a 22-year old, past or no past. but most importantly, and I've said this in other threads of this nature - it's totally impossible to get over someone else's past if they are not completely over that past themselves. I find it hard to believe that she is in fact over hers, given how recently it's been and the circumstances
AAlike Posted September 9, 2009 Posted September 9, 2009 If he nonetheless chooses to be with her despite his problem with her past, then IMHO he is choosing to accept her past and must find a way to deal with it privately, on his own, without putting her on trial. you are correct. however, this is tougher than it seems. having experienced these types of feelings before (albeit in much different circumstances), I understand what he's going through and how nuts it must look to the outside observer ("if it's that big of a problem just leave" - etc. etc.). what is most likely happening to him (and what I don't know that anyone that it's never happened to could possibly understand) is that his brain is ready and willing to move on from her past but his heart is not letting it happen. it's a terrible place to be in because you yourself can't understand why you can't either just accept it or reject it...you feel like you're losing control of your sanity. heck, in the worst stages of it for me, I don't even know that I cared whether I decided to stay with her or leave her, just so I made a f*cking decision and got control of my mind back!! so your natural tendency is to continue to fixate on it and try and find the way to "just get over it" - but since it's an emotional response and lodged squarely in one's heart, unfortunately the only way to do it is time.
Untouchable_Fire Posted September 9, 2009 Posted September 9, 2009 Ask yourself this.... could you proudly walk down the street arm in arm with her as your Mrs. and run into some of her old tricks? Or ONS's? Would you feel comfortable knowing this ... and would you want her to be the mother of your children? Unless she gets serious (and I mean serious) help she is not psychologically sound to enter into a relationship of any magnitude or duration. Some people can pull themselves out of something like this... others are forever broken an unsalvageable. Truly. It isn't that they don't deserve love... they just don't believe they do... Some can learn to change... others are gone. This is spot on! Perfect advice. Theowls, you should pay very close attention to what Lovely10 says here!
reservoirdog1 Posted September 9, 2009 Posted September 9, 2009 you are correct. however, this is tougher than it seems. having experienced these types of feelings before (albeit in much different circumstances), I understand what he's going through and how nuts it must look to the outside observer ("if it's that big of a problem just leave" - etc. etc.). what is most likely happening to him (and what I don't know that anyone that it's never happened to could possibly understand) is that his brain is ready and willing to move on from her past but his heart is not letting it happen. it's a terrible place to be in because you yourself can't understand why you can't either just accept it or reject it...you feel like you're losing control of your sanity. heck, in the worst stages of it for me, I don't even know that I cared whether I decided to stay with her or leave her, just so I made a f*cking decision and got control of my mind back!! so your natural tendency is to continue to fixate on it and try and find the way to "just get over it" - but since it's an emotional response and lodged squarely in one's heart, unfortunately the only way to do it is time. Absolutely, I agree. He clearly cares for this girl, otherwise he'd be out of there already. And it certainly won't be easy for him, whatever he chooses. But retroactive jealousy -- whether it's over an SO's three other sexual partners, or 300 -- is a potential relationship killer. Nobody wants to be interrogated repeatedly by their partner about past events that occurred before they even met that partner. Especially where the interrogation is judgmental in nature.
Bryanp Posted September 9, 2009 Posted September 9, 2009 I would think you would be scared to death of catching some serious STD. The amount of men and type of sexual episodes she has described to you had to have put her in tremendous risk for serious STD's. Why would you put your own health at such risk? In addition, it is generally acknowledged that past behavior is the best predictor of future behavior. What will happen down the line when she gets angry with you or overly stressed. She seems to have had a lot of male friends. I would be seriously worried. If this was written by someone you did not know what would your answer be? Your putting your health at great risk.
Author theowls Posted September 11, 2009 Author Posted September 11, 2009 [sIZE=5][COLOR=#990000]AAlike[/COLOR][/sIZE] hit the nail on the head on where I'm coming from. I know she had a STD kit ran on her, I saw the results. But I'm in a place where my heart and mind are at odds. I still am very confused and, although it may be "stupid", I love her. I really feel like a fool for feeling this way.
AAlike Posted September 11, 2009 Posted September 11, 2009 Aalike hit the nail on the head on where I'm coming from. I know she had a STD kit ran on her, I saw the results. But I'm in a place where my heart and mind are at odds. I still am very confused and, although it may be "stupid", I love her. I really feel like a fool for feeling this way. Owls - I'm assuming that you don't have PM capabilities, so if you'd like to give me your e-mail address I'm happy to discuss further. I know how much it helped me out when I realized that other people had these feelings and that I wasn't totally nuts.
groundzero Posted September 11, 2009 Posted September 11, 2009 Leave her if you value yourself. This girl can be fun for a few weeks, but that's it. Let her sort out her problems on her own, let her take responsibility for her life. She will use you, cheat on you, make you insecure and drive you to madness. Do you want to be the one that got dominated or the one that saw through her and bailed when it was still safe to do so? She will not respect any man that does not treat her like dirt. Then again, you already moved in with her. Good job mate. Good luck to you.
groundzero Posted September 11, 2009 Posted September 11, 2009 Did you ask about her past, or did she tell you on your own? If it was you, my opinion is that you really had no business asking that question in the first place so long as she is not putting you at risk for STDs. Even if she is, the focus should be the STDs themselves, not how she got them. Don't ask questions that you may not be able to handle the answers to. Are you crazy? This is the equivalent of buying a car without knowing the mileage on it. If a woman slept with 50 men, I would not touch her with a stick. Pass her on, like the 50 guys before you did!
groundzero Posted September 11, 2009 Posted September 11, 2009 There's not much more to it than what the previous posters have said. Her past is her past, and she owes you neither an explanation nor an apology. The only questions are (1) is she disease-free, (2) is she faithful to you, and (3) can you handle her past and leave it where it belongs. If you can answer yes to all three questions, then that's the end of it. Her past may say things about her. And somebody with her past may not be your cup of tea. But if you're going to be with her, you need to accept it, be happy, and not interrogate her about it. It doesn't sound to me like she's been hiding things from you; she simply happens to have a fairly detailed and complex history and hasn't seen the need to tell you every detail. Who would want to do that? You already know a lot about her past; how much more do you need to know? Look, I know your trying to me nice to the poster. But before your post, he said "She would start off a story by sayings things like 'So one day I slept with this guy and..' ". In my book, that's emotional abuse! This girl needs to sort out her problems on her own.
batinhell66 Posted September 11, 2009 Posted September 11, 2009 Oh hey now. "That's what you get for dating a stripper"? The way the poster described it, the girl isn't merely just a stripper. She worked at strip clubs but pleasured men with her hands at bachelor parties for large amounts of money. That constitutes as prostitution, not merely stripper. Stripper/prostitute would be more like it. In my own experience, strippers do differentiate between what they do and what whores do. Sure, it's not that much of a stretch to the average person, but I happen to believe the act of touching/sexual favors makes a huge difference in the definition of these two acts (some states allow lap dancing, others do not). Yes, it's still part of the sex industry and therefore connected by that association, but there's still a slight difference in job description. /soapbox *Note: there are quite a number of strippers/ex-strippers on this forum, I find. Goes to show you that cold bitches who strip for money might also have a little bit of emotion. Anyway, I happen to understand a little about your situation because I can relate to the girl somewhat. No, haven't had so many partners as she (actually less than op!) but I've led a pretty wild past, and suffice to say, getting completely shafted for it right now in my current relationship. I'm just as young as she is, and I'm sure my current boyfriend can relate to being with someone with way more "life experience". He also has a morbid curiosity and questions me constantly about places I mention and snippets of things he reads on facebook consisting of friends referencing the past. "What do they mean, '...Still the same' and what's that wink face for?" Forgetting her past will not be easy. I think you should find out exactly if you're willing to deal with it. You should be aware of the extreme difficulty in the beginning, rather than later, when it starts to build up and you explode. It's not an exaggeration. My friend's ex-boyfriend, after a point, started physically abusing her months after she refused to quit stripping. She made it clear to him from the beginning, even gave him many chances to leave her, and he still stayed, believing all the while he loved her. You have to make the decision whether or not this is the right thing for the both of you to do. I just had my one year anniversary last week, and let me tell you, it's still F*CKING hard. If she's sincere, she'll try everything in her power to make you feel comfortable. If she's not, just leave her now. There are genuine girls, and there are bitches. Trust me on this. No matter how hard I try to see past some stereotypes, there is some reasoning behind them (which is why I can't really fault the previous stripper comment). Her past either says "I was lost and tried to make up for possible sexual abuse as a child by being overly promiscuous and exhibitionist so that it ultimately did not matter (and the previous sexual abuse did not matter)" or "I have no soul anymore. It's too late for you. F*cked up beyond recognition". I'm guessing it may have been sexual abuse. Chalk it up to experience. You have to know if it's worth it. Also, watch the Girl Next Door. My boyfriend made me watch this with him on our anniversary. Yes, some toilet humor, unbelievable plot twists, but damn. In a nutshell. One lighthearted, very relevant question to a heavy situation: Is the juice worth the squeeze?
Bejita463 Posted September 12, 2009 Posted September 12, 2009 Are you crazy? This is the equivalent of buying a car without knowing the mileage on it. If a woman slept with 50 men, I would not touch her with a stick. Pass her on, like the 50 guys before you did! I own my car. I don't own my girlfriend. If she's slept with 100 people that is not my business unless she chooses for it to be, provided she is in good health and remaining faithful to me.
You'reasian Posted September 12, 2009 Posted September 12, 2009 I own my car. I don't own my girlfriend. If she's slept with 100 people that is not my business unless she chooses for it to be, provided she is in good health and remaining faithful to me. I agree with this. I think the ideal is a woman who has enough sexual experience (not too little and not too much) - with a good healthy desire for a little more...
EcstasyX6 Posted September 13, 2009 Posted September 13, 2009 Run the other way! Sounds like she's still playing and she's not ready for you. My advice to her...never ever tell a man how many men you've slept with. In his mind, even a few can be intimidating.
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