jj23 Posted September 9, 2009 Posted September 9, 2009 Hi Everybody. I posted on here a long time ago, and eventually got over the relationship that had ended and moved on very happily. Now I'm in a break up situation again and would love any thoughts you might have. Here's the story: Met this guy, the love of my life, on match.com a year and a half ago. We both felt like we won the lottery. I'm 25, he's almost 28. We were both wanting to find someone to "settle down" with and having no luck. We hit it off right away and things progressed very quickly and comfortably. We eventually moved in together, and although it was stressful for me (I moved to his place) things worked out beautifully. I got a job easily (I moved about 50 miles away), transitioned easily, we were soo happy and had so much fun together. I had a few freakouts, like, when I got my new license with "his" address, and he would say things like "I can't garantee that it will always be perfect, but this is what I want. I want to be with you. Someday you'll be getting a new ID with my last name on it." Fast forward, we were together for a year and he took me away for a romantic weekend and very calmly proposed. We had talked about marriage and that we both wanted that. He proposed by saying "how has this year been?" and then "what would you say to, oh, 50 more together?" I was totally shocked in the moment because when it came down to it, I wasn't expecting it. He was thrilled and wanted to tell everyone right away. We set a date and started planning. His parents were overjoyed, and have been very involved in the planning (they live right nearby). He was involved in the beginning, but kind of dropped off this summer (wedding was set for October). He is not a fan of big crowds of people, so I was suggesting in the beginning that we elope. He said no way, that his parents would never go for it. We were expecting to have about 200 people at our event. He helped me pick the food, the favors, the songs... anyway... So, time goes by and we're happily living together and working on our house, doing all kinds of home improvement projects... at this point, we have a joint checking account (he was all for this - for paying joint bills), we're totally assimilated into each other's families - his parents treating me like a daughter, and my parents saying he's their favorite son in law... and he starts to act really distant (about two months till the wedding). I keep asking what's bothering him, he says "nothing" and all he eventually says is that "something is different" between us and he "doesn't know what or how to fix it." In the meantime, I admit that I became a little wedding obsessed, which I never thought I'd do, but I became stressed with the idea that it was getting close and there was so much to do. I asked him if he was having second thoughts, and he said "no." I told him I was stressed about the wedding but not about him. That he was the one for me. I was also getting ready to start a new job, he works very long hours in the summer... we were kind of neglecting our relationship - not doing fun things together just for the hell of it anymore. We sort of call a truce, that we'll start working together as a team more, and talking more and try to make things better. Time goes by and he's just not himself, not joking and talking and.. just not himself. Complained of being "tired" all the time. There were moments when things were great, but on a day-in, day-out basis, things were just like, down, at home. He wouldn't really talk unless I asked him specific questions. Then I start to notice that he's texting all the time and keeping his phone close. Eventually I snooped (no, I'm not proud) but I found a very flirty conversation with a girl. I confronted him and he said I was overreacting and that she's just a friend. They had been discussing their respective realtionships, and he knew he couldn't tell me because I wouldn't understand. I cried and asked why he couldn't talk to me, he said he needed someone outside of the situation to talk to. I told him I didn't like the language, and didn't like the whole thing, he said I was being unfair and that she's "just a friend." I talked to a trusted friend who suggested I go away and give him space. I wrote him a letter saying that I was not walking away from the relationship, just giving him time to think about what he really wants. He texted me two days later to come home and talk. I did, and we talked about our relationship, me saying that we have to either fight for us or walk away. He said maybe we should postpone the wedding and "work on us" to see if the wedding was what was causing this stress in our relationship. I was sad to cancel the wedding, as invitations had already gone out, but agreed that it was probably best. The next night, we discussed what the postponement would mean... I wanted to know if we were still engaged, he said yes. I said I needed to know he was really going to try to work on us, because I had made it clear that I wanted the relationship, and didn't want to just feel like I was working hard on us to see if he was going to keep me or let me go. He said that it wasn't like that. He didn't want to break up, he just didn't know how to fix it, how to go back to the way we used to be. If everything were perfect, we'd go back to the way we used to be, but he knew it wouldn't happen over night. I said, "if we broke up, I'd be the one to have to leave... I'd probably move back home." He was surprised to hear that, and I think it might have been the turning point. I also brought up the texting the other girl, and he said that he had "stopped talking to her like that" and that I'd "just have to trust him." I was pushing him with all of this discussion, and all of these questions, but I was so scared of what might happen to us. The next night when I got home from work, there was a letter from him that he didn't think we could fix "us" and that he was going to stay somewhere else. He hoped I'd forgive him someday for doing this to me, and that he loves me and never wanted to hurt me, but he feels it is best to end this now instead of dragging it out. He said I could stay in the house as long as I need to, and that he was sorry he couldn't break up in person, but knew that it would be a mess. I was absolutely devastated. I eventually texted him and asked if he had felt like this for a long time, and he responded "I don't know, I just felt like we weren't us anymore. Don't think this is making me happy, because it's killing me." I let it go, then a few days later asked why we couldn't just start over, no wedding, no parents, no pressure. He said "I just don't see it working, especially after all of this." A few days later I let him know I had cancelled all of the wedding (because he said he would do all the work for that, but didn't..) and that I was looking for an apartment but it would take time. He said "really, stay there as long as you need to. I messed up your life, I should be looking for a new place." A few days later, I asked him to come to our house, and he did, although he said "if you want to talk about our relationship, I don't think I can, it's killing me enough as it is." When he did come to the house, I told him that I felt I needed to apologize for my part. That I had lost sight of what was important - us. I didn't care about the wedding, but kept pushing through even though I knew something was bothering him. That I was selfish when he said he had needed someone to talk to, I accused him of being untrustworthy. I didn't make it safe for him to talk to me, and now I had lost the most important thing in my life. He kept saying "you don't need to apologize, you didn't do anything wrong." I said "I wish you would just come home" and he said "I can't. It doesn't feel right." I said, "you said you still love me, and probably always will." he said "yes." I said, "I love you more than anything, I just want you to come home." I said, "do you really want this to be over, forever?" He said "I don't know." And then he was gone. I don't know what to do. I can't just turn off my feelings for him, I mean, I was supposed to be marrying him in less than a month. I can't believe he would rather be alone than try to make it work with us. I realize I can't keep contacting him, but I wanted him to know that I didn't think it was entirely his fault. I'm happy I had a chance to say that to him in person. *For those of you who will get stuck on the part about him talking to the other girl... I know if someone can cheat, they can also lie, but I really think he was only texting with her. I'm not saying I like it, I'm just saying that that's not the big issue here... it's that I lost the man I thought was going to be my husband, and now I don't know what to do. He has been gone from home for something like 10 days now. He's been working a LOT during that time, and is staying at his parent's cottage (about 40 minutes from where we live). I had a lot of contact with him in the beginning, but in person conversation was 5 days ago, and after that I just sent him an email saying that I was going away for the weekend and wanted him to take care of the cat. I wrote "I wish I could help with what you're struggling with. When I was getting ready to move here, you were my rock. I wish you'd let me be that for you now. I'm not ready to give up on us, because I still believe in us. I love you." He responded with an email saying "I'll take the cat to my mom's on Saturday." That was four or five days ago, and I haven't contacted him again. He knows where I stand. I do not want to move out of our house. It was his house first, but I've lived there and worked on it for a year now. Plus, I honestly don't know if I can afford to live on my own in this town. I made choices in the past year based on the fact that we were getting married and going to stay put! I'm "looking" for a place, but it's not easy when you have a dog (the dog was mine first) and a limited budget! Advice? Ideas? Thoughts about his behavior? Anything is appreciated!
Katherineos123 Posted September 9, 2009 Posted September 9, 2009 Im so sorry youre going through this. I cant even imagine the pain. Break ups are an awful part of life, but to be a month away from your wedding date?? I cant even imagine... Im sorry... It sounds to me like he has a serious case of cold feet, and the closer you got to the wedding, and the more planning you were doing, the colder they got. But sadly, it seems as if he is not willing to work on your issues, otherwise I would suggest couples counseling. You need to give him space so that he can miss you, and know what its like without you....which is what you are obviously doing, but after some time of you both thinking and healing. You could suggest trying again, and maybe some counseling.
DustySaltus Posted September 9, 2009 Posted September 9, 2009 I have recently suffered through a broken engagement so I know the pain that you are going through and I'm really sorry for you. I was engaged to someone with a lot of personal issues but I stuck by her throughout them. She accused me of cheating on her a few times, I never did. I moved to her country 5000 miles away from NY and it wasn't enough for her to think I was serious about getting married to her. You see in my situation I was moving to another country where no job was waiting for me and I needed to master a new language. She wanted to get married sooner than latter and I had initially agreed to that. But after seeing what it would take to set myself up I suggested that we wait a little longer. It had nothing to do with my feelings for her, it was just for my own sanity. I wanted to try and make sure we were set for the future. Originally, we were supposed to move back to America after a year but she changed her mind. I stuck by her. She snooped around through my emails, stood by her. She called my mother fake (I was close with her family, mine she was just beginning to know) and I told her that she was starting to cross some serious lines and that if we had issues maybe we should attend couples counseling. Well, this made her madder than ever and we never went. I tried to be the bigger person and wanted to work through our problems but it wasn't my problem , it was hers. She had trust issues, abandonment issues and was a borderline personality. We had a real nasty breakup in person and then I went back to America. We spoke a few times, it wasn't pretty. Sent me some pretty nasty emails saying how she made the greatest decision ever by not marrying me and other nice stuff. Then I recently had gone NC on her and then she responds saying that she misses me....I mean after all she did, where did this come from? It could only come from one thing...she isn't sane. As soon as I stopped talking to her she came back into the picture. I think that what your man did was very weak (breaking up via letter) after all that you had been through. You need to not be in contact with him for an extended period of time and start the healing process. If I were you he would have to show me A LOT to ever consider getting back together. Whatever happens I wish you the best.
silic0ntoad Posted September 9, 2009 Posted September 9, 2009 Hm. Allow me to elaborate my opinion. This dude wants other people. Allow me to explain why: Gathering from what you've said, he seems to have commitment issues. The distance, everything makes sense. Everything is perfect. Marriage is up and coming. Then bang, sudden change, talking to a girl. It was an emotional affair. You don't go outside for help unless you want out of the RS. I know I myself have been in situations where OW get involved and it complicates things. People are good at making their grass seem greener than yours. Do I think he cheated? Yes. Emotional cheating is worse than physical cheating. I think you need to split ways as quickly as possible. Start to heal.
Author jj23 Posted September 9, 2009 Author Posted September 9, 2009 I'm not saying he didn't "cheat" by talking to her. I'm not happy about it. I realize that something was wrong if he felt the need to talk to her. I wasn't "safe" to talk to. I think he was getting scared of the wedding and felt he couldn't tell anyone. I would freak, his parents were investing a lot of time and energy into the wedding... why would he initially have told me he wanted to postpone the wedding and work on "us" if he really really did not want to be with ME. Don't get me wrong. I think the texting of the girl was totally inappropriate. I'm not excusing that behavior. I just think she was in the right place at the right time and became his person to vent to. If he wants to be completely done with me, why would he tell me that this is "killing him" -- he's said it three times. I asked why it was killing him and he said "of course it is." (not really an answer to WHY, but... whatever). He said that we were really good together for a long time and then something changed, and he doesn't know what. Yes, could be committment issues, but this man asked me to move in with him, we bought new appliances together, we opened a joint checking account... he proposed to ME! I just do not feel like this is over. I feel like he panicked, I pushed, and he bailed. I just want him to come home. To start over - no wedding, no parents involved, no pressure. I want to go back to "us." I want him to know it is safe to come home, which I think he does... but in reality, he's only been gone 10 days or so, and has been busy every one of them. Coming home is a big decision, and I know that he wouldn't take it lightly. I guess my question is... does anyone besides me think that it just might happen like that? I know how pathetic I sound, but this wasn't just a few month long relationship. We were supposed to be getting married.
Unistudent Posted September 10, 2009 Posted September 10, 2009 Hey there... I'm really sorry to hear about you situation... I personally would just have no contact with him. If he really does love you and want to be with you he will come back to you. You haven't really done anything wrong here... so why should you be doing all of the work? In my situation I messed things up so now I am trying to fix it but in yours it seems like it was just his decision to get out. If I was your guy that is what I would do. If I was in this situation and decided that I didn't want the relationship, that things were going too fast and/or I needed some time out of all of the relationship BUT then I wanted you back I would be calling you to say that I made a mistake and that we needed to sit and talk about things. I know you love him so much but... I personally dont know what you could say to him to try and get him to come back (since youve already bascially told him that you are still commited to the relationship). I am only 25 though and have only been in one relationship for 9 years... so what do I know thats just my two cents Be strong
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