Keeping me on the fence

[wiredjon]

I'm sure its the same with pretty much everyone here but I can't begin to describe how complex my relationship has been.

 

At the moment my girlfriend is contemplating leaving me and I'm quite sure she will.

 

we've been together for 6 1/2 years now. I was 19 and had been in relationships before, she was 17 and hadn't. We moved in together after about 2 years and things were great but she fell down the trap of losing contact with her friends and relying fully on me.

 

I'm in a band and she would have massive goes at me for leaving her and playing gigs. Eventually after about a year of living together I had enough and as much as I hate to admit it I cheated on her.

 

Obviously ridden with guilt I split up with her thinking this was the right course of action after what i'd done. After this she got back in contact with friends and became stronger and we ended up getting back together.

 

She went and lived with a housemate and I did the same and for a while things were better than they'd ever been but she started filling in her week with seeing friends etc and not leaving any time for me but we decided that next year we would move away and move in together and we were both quite excited about this.

 

But 2 weeks ago she went to her mums friends house and came back saying that she wanted more from life and to start doing more things and she didn't think that she could do those things with me. She explained that her mum's friends son (who is 35) pretty much does all these things and shes always had a soft spot for him and hes really nice etc.

 

(she said nothing had happened with this man and I honestly do believe her, we have been plainly honest after we split up)

 

I explained that I'd love to do some of the things that she wanted to do and she seemed content with that and we started arranging things we wanted to do. Then just a day or two ago he apparently got in contact with her saying that he had just split up with his girlfriend.

 

This is where it gets a bit hazy and I'm not sure what they've said to each other exactly but she told me that she said to him that she has a thing for him and the feeling is mutual and apparently this has sent her into a spin and she isn't sure what she wants.

 

I just feel so cross at this guy because she is obviously going through some doubts about our relationship and he happened to come along at the wrong point having just split up with his girlfriend with promises of grandeur.

 

She told me all this yesterday at 1:30 and we spent 4 hours sitting there waiting for her to make a decision. She said she needed to make the right decision and that required her being alone but she'd let me know that evening. 2 very very painful hours go by without any contact. Eventually at 8:00 she says she needs to sleep on it and she would tell me first thing in the morning

 

I say that she won't have made a decision and it works out that I was right! I had to go to work today because i've had to much time off and risk being fired! and honestly it has been the most exhausting day of my life. (mainly due the fact i haven't been able to eat anything since yesterday lunch time) she has text me a couple of times today saying she was going to go on a walk to clear her head but keeps saying she loves me and putting xxxx and calling me sweetie.

 

And know here I am writing this over 24hrs since this first began. I'm in total agony and getting that weird out of breath hole in your chest feeling and am braced for the worst to happen. I know i've messed up in the past, its just come at the worst possible time when I was ready to settle down and put my all into this relationship. She does know all this I just needed to get this off my chest. I'll let you know how it ends

 

Thanks if you managed to get this far down I know its a whopping chunk of text, if anyone has any advice i'd love to here it. Cheers again

[EricaH329]

This reminds me a lot of the 80/20 rule. If you've ever seen the movie Why Did I Get Married then you'll know what i'm talking about. If not, this rule states that most men (or women in this situation) get 80% of what they need from a marriage (or partner) yet they tend to go after the 20% that someone outside can provide for them because it appears to be more to them when it really isn't.

 

While she gets almost everything she needs from you, what she doesn't get looks very attractive when someone offers it to her.

 

Unfortunatly, there isn't anything you can do but hope that she comes to her senses. And if she doesn't, and she leaves you for this guy, I can almost guarantee that she will realize it was a mistake. At that point, it's up to you whether to decide if she's worth taking back.

 

I know that this is hard, and that it's unfair to you. But if this woman leaves you for this man that promises her these things, then she doesn't deserve you or what you have to offer.

 

Keep us updated!

[wiredjon]

thanks so much i've just read about that 80/20 rule and it makes perfect sense. Because i went through exactly the same thing first time when we split up thinking that being with someone else would be better, when I got there however it did feel a mere shell of my relationship with my girlfriend. question is do i tell her about it? I don't want to seem like i'm pushing her into making a decision

[EricaH329]

I would tell her exactly how you feel. Don't hold anything back. It'll give you a peice of mind if she decides to leave, you did and said everything you could.

 

Maybe after hearing about all of this, it'll shed some perspective for her. We can hope.

[wiredjon]

thanks erica, its nice to know theres people like you out there who can listen and give such sound advice. I really do appreciate it. Got a new development a text saying:

 

"Thought we could have a chat. I havent come to a decision but i thought we could explore the option of staying together and write things down and i can write down why i'm not happy etc. If we can try and be productive and hold it together that would be good. I will then require some more time to mull things over. I know you want to know now but our relationship deserves the time to come to the right decision, is that ok?"

 

I just said that sounds like a perfectly logical thing to do. So reckon this is pretty much crunch time to convince her. Not sure when we're meeting yet but i'll keep you informed.

Cheers again i can't describe how much i appreciate your advice

[EricaH329]

I am extremely happy that I could help shed some light on the situation. I reallllyyy hope things work out in your favor. Definitely keep me updated!

[wiredjon]

well we've had our chat. it went extremely well and we were both very logical about everything. Its not 100% because she wants to feel positive for a day or so but I reckon we'll stay together. We wrote down everything that we thought we could work on. our living arrangement doesnt suit us so if we do stay together we'll consider where to move and theres plently of things such as socialising as a couple that we wern't doing before and apparently her mum went through a similer thing at her age and doesn't want her daughter falling down the same route. so i'm going to talk with her about it etc.

 

But thanks so much that 80/20 thing was just what i wanted to hear. quite a few people have said things similier to her so it helped to be on the same page as her. I can't thank you enough, you always hear about the kindness of strangers and now i've experienced it myself! thankyou Erica!