lovnlifew3kids Posted September 9, 2009 Posted September 9, 2009 My husband & I have been married for four years but together for 11 years. We have three children together. Our marriage or at least the relationship & intimacy part of it has come to a halt. I don't give up easily however, I have to admit after two straight years of nothing but nonstop nonsense I am feeling quite prepared to walk. He's a great guy, a good dad but a so-so husband. He has jelousy issues, he's insecure and is verbally abusive on a daily basis. Being that I am strong willed I refuse to show him the massive amount of pain he's caused me and instead hold it all inside. He's miserable all the time. It almost seems like nothing makes him happy. I work 7 days a week (10-14 hours a day for just tips), I am also a FT college student. He presently works two days a week. Everything is about material items to him while I appreciate the simple things such as my daugher's laughter and the fact that I DO have a car (it's not perfect by any means). He complains about everything. I work too much but we don't have enough money, I'm never home but I need to do something with myself education wise. I feel like I am walking on eggshells every moment of everyday. What peeves me off the most is the man has been a drunk for the past 11 years. He's recieved two DWIs, numerous nights I spent alone while he was "out", in and out of jail, recently went to rehab for 3 months and relapsed & was arrested a month after release. He just got out of jail a month ago. I have stood *failthfully* by his side this entire time. I did leave him for a period of time in 2007 beceause I was at my limit. He mentally abuses me in front of our children. He plays mental games with me. One minute he loves me and is being so nice - the next minute he's miserable and telling me how useless I am. Two days ago he told me "I love you but you don't make me happy" - so I ask what he meant & how can I change his feelings. He replies with some nimwitted statement of how I need to be home more, leave college, quit my job, ect. It's a control issue - it's always been. So my issue is - I'm feeling like I'm at my limit again. I'm emotinally exhausted. I feel like no matter how hard I try - it's never enough. Do I give up or just keep pushing forward? Thank you in advance for reading my long winded post and any advice or insight you may offer. Have a great day friends.
carhill Posted September 9, 2009 Posted September 9, 2009 You went into a marriage apparently fully aware you were marrying an alcoholic. You had three children with this man. These are choices you consciously made. An outsider automatically wonders why. I think you know the root of the issues here. Are you prepared to let him hit rock bottom so he can get some help? When you are, it's time to go. Not one minute before, because, like the last time, he'll woo you back with all the BS that alcoholics use. Will he attend one session of MC? BTW, wrt to 'you making him unhappy', he feels unhappy and projects those feelings onto you. That's typical of an alcoholic, IME.
semperdolens Posted September 9, 2009 Posted September 9, 2009 as an ex "professional" drunk myself, I can only tell you that you should not be putting up with that nonsense. Although I never abused my wife and never got a DUI, I would get angry from time to time and say horrible things to her. I know he's just been in rehab, but surely regaining his sobriety and remaining sober must be the fundamental clause for you to stay in the marriage. It's not acceptable to you and your children. I'm not surprised you feel like you are at your limit. You are working very hard and are repaid with that kind of treatment at home, by a drunk. Sit him down and have a frank talk. Tell him that you'll divorce him if he doesn't stop drinking. He needs to know that you mean business...
sabatoe Posted September 23, 2009 Posted September 23, 2009 I know how you feel. I have been with my partner for 11 years. He can be the best man in the world or flip and be mean and abusive. We have a 9 year old son. Part of me screams leave, this just is not right, its no way to live but then its great for awhile and I stay. Its not just so black and white when your in the relationship. So while I cannot give you any advice I can empathise with you. Good Luck
Devil Inside Posted September 23, 2009 Posted September 23, 2009 You went into a marriage apparently fully aware you were marrying an alcoholic. You had three children with this man. These are choices you consciously made. An outsider automatically wonders why. I think you know the root of the issues here. Are you prepared to let him hit rock bottom so he can get some help? When you are, it's time to go. Not one minute before, because, like the last time, he'll woo you back with all the BS that alcoholics use. Will he attend one session of MC? BTW, wrt to 'you making him unhappy', he feels unhappy and projects those feelings onto you. That's typical of an alcoholic, IME. Carhill hit the bulls eye on this one. OP check out some literature on codependency...I think it will help. Good luck.
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