john1988 Posted September 9, 2009 Posted September 9, 2009 Just again wanted to ask a question, I've been split up with my ex for well over a year now but she is still trying to get in touch with me, she sent me another email as all other areas of contact have been shut down. There's nothing much in it, it just really asks how I am? If you have followed my posts before you will know my ex said some pretty awful things post break up before I decided enough was enough. I've just left this email so far but part of me thinks that I am being childish for not answering it? Am I being the horrible one now because I don't particularly want to ease her guilt? Plus is she getting a thrill if I answer? I feel slightly angry like every time she does this she is trying to manipulate me and not respecting my boundaries. Am I being harsh here please help? Is she just tip toeing around me to see if I'm genuinely ok? Why does she feel the need to be friends with me? I don't see the point at all.
Broseph Posted September 9, 2009 Posted September 9, 2009 A little bit of everything here i think... ego boosting fishing seeing how your doing
Author john1988 Posted September 9, 2009 Author Posted September 9, 2009 A little bit of everything here i think... ego boosting fishing seeing how your doing What do I do though bro? Do I respond? Or just leave it?
playlislay Posted September 9, 2009 Posted September 9, 2009 If it is one thing that I have noticed on here, it is the fact that everyone thinks that exes are out for an ego boost. For starters, if she was in the wrong then she would have felt guilty and may have tried to apologize way back at the time of 'the break'. Yes, she may still feel slightly guilty now but who cares? Let her bloody apologize and stop being so up tight and bitter about it all. We all say/do horrible things that we regret and if the apology is sincere then accept it! THIS is what we teach our children so why should we be so stubborn as adults? Have you considered that she might actually just want to catch up? Exes were once our best friends, sometimes we miss our friends. Hopefully she is over all of the pain and hurt, and feels comfortable to keep in contact. Just because things dont work out, it doesnt mean that you have to have a restraining order against them or anything! And you wont look stupid or weak for talking to her. Its been a year for crying out loud! Chin up dude
0hpenelope Posted September 13, 2009 Posted September 13, 2009 Just again wanted to ask a question, I've been split up with my ex for well over a year now but she is still trying to get in touch with me, she sent me another email as all other areas of contact have been shut down. There's nothing much in it, it just really asks how I am? If you have followed my posts before you will know my ex said some pretty awful things post break up before I decided enough was enough. I've just left this email so far but part of me thinks that I am being childish for not answering it? I highly doubt you like being reminded of that hurt she inflicted on you. It's not childish to not want to be around that reminder when you can surround yourself with things that encourage positive thoughts. Am I being the horrible one now because I don't particularly want to ease her guilt? No. I see that you just want to keep moving past this already, but the girl is still being persistent. Plus is she getting a thrill if I answer? Most likely. It's indicative that you still hold her feelings to some regard because you're still acknowledging her. It starts from one e-mail and it will keep going until she decides to stop? Where's that going to leave you? I feel slightly angry like every time she does this she is trying to manipulate me and not respecting my boundaries. In other words, keep not being a doormat. You're doing well so far. Am I being harsh here please help? Is she just tip toeing around me to see if I'm genuinely ok? Why does she feel the need to be friends with me? I don't see the point at all. I think you're the only one who can answer this. If she gets along well w/ her exes, then she wants to have that same relationship with you. On the flip side of this, attempting a friendship might be one of her ways to exorcise the guilt of her leaving you. You already know that it's possible to be friends w/ exes. But it seems like you know that it's not what you want because you don't see the point at all, and that's quite fine too. How are you holding up now? Any more attempts on her part?
Author john1988 Posted September 13, 2009 Author Posted September 13, 2009 I highly doubt you like being reminded of that hurt she inflicted on you. It's not childish to not want to be around that reminder when you can surround yourself with things that encourage positive thoughts. No. I see that you just want to keep moving past this already, but the girl is still being persistent. Most likely. It's indicative that you still hold her feelings to some regard because you're still acknowledging her. It starts from one e-mail and it will keep going until she decides to stop? Where's that going to leave you? In other words, keep not being a doormat. You're doing well so far. I think you're the only one who can answer this. If she gets along well w/ her exes, then she wants to have that same relationship with you. On the flip side of this, attempting a friendship might be one of her ways to exorcise the guilt of her leaving you. You already know that it's possible to be friends w/ exes. But it seems like you know that it's not what you want because you don't see the point at all, and that's quite fine too. How are you holding up now? Any more attempts on her part? I'm ok I'm getting by thanks, no more attempts on her part. I really think I can go without contacting her tho, I'm angry also, someone said to me recently that her new boyfriend and her were probably laughing at my attempts at contacting in the past, that really bothered me, I hate how I gave her that satisfaction. I believe she was getting attention from other guys and all of a sudden thought she was brilliant. Terrible personality towards the end.
0hpenelope Posted September 14, 2009 Posted September 14, 2009 I'm ok I'm getting by thanks, no more attempts on her part. I really think I can go without contacting her tho, I'm angry also, someone said to me recently that her new boyfriend and her were probably laughing at my attempts at contacting in the past, that really bothered me, I hate how I gave her that satisfaction. I believe she was getting attention from other guys and all of a sudden thought she was brilliant. Terrible personality towards the end. Yeah, you can do without this kind of person in your life. I have to point out that you said 'probably', but if this situation is a 'definitely', then keep that door closed on her. Wish a lot more folks on this side of LS will see this in their situations. Good luck! You're doing really well.
CaliGuy Posted September 14, 2009 Posted September 14, 2009 If it is one thing that I have noticed on here, it is the fact that everyone thinks that exes are out for an ego boost. Because odds are, they are. Usually when an ex is trying to get in touch with you, especially after a long time (such as a year) it's because they have "down time." In other words, she is probably between guys and is looking for validation. Maybe SHE got dumped? Regardless, he went through lengthy measures to (rightfully) cut her out of his life and she is going around those measures to get to him. Better question: Why can't she take the hint? He doesn't want her in his life, he doesn't have to respond to her. And you know what? He doesn't owe her anything. For starters, if she was in the wrong then she would have felt guilty and may have tried to apologize way back at the time of 'the break'. Yes, she may still feel slightly guilty now but who cares? Let her bloody apologize and stop being so up tight and bitter about it all. We all say/do horrible things that we regret and if the apology is sincere then accept it! THIS is what we teach our children so why should we be so stubborn as adults? If all she wanted was simply to apologize, she could do that in an email or letter and be done with it. That isn't what she wants. She is looking for validation and has skirted his attempts to shut her out. She's being rude, not him. Have you considered that she might actually just want to catch up? Exes were once our best friends, sometimes we miss our friends. Again, he doesn't owe her anything -- and certainly any updates on his life. Unless he really wants to know the guys she's been bonking since she dumped him (and I don't think that's the case) then I see no reason for them to communicate. Hopefully she is over all of the pain and hurt, and feels comfortable to keep in contact. I'm pretty sure she was over the pain and hurt the day she dumped him. It's the OP that is in pain and hurting and if contact from her bothers him then he has every right to shut her down. Just because things dont work out, it doesnt mean that you have to have a restraining order against them or anything! And you wont look stupid or weak for talking to her. Its been a year for crying out loud! He set a boundary that she keeps trying to cross. I think it's weak to let them cross your boundary because it simply means you are a person who isn't worth respecting. Personally I think SHE is the one that needs to grow up. He doesn't want to talk to her. Regardless of his reasons, she needs to learn to respect that and move on. That's exactly what he is trying to do.
Quest Posted September 14, 2009 Posted September 14, 2009 The problem with any contact, even a long time after something is over is that it can stir things up again and by the sounds of it you've made a good job of moving on and want to stay moved on. For that reason alone I'd ignore her email and put it out of your mind as fast as you can. Who knows what her motives are? Could be she is between relationships and wants to see if there is someone out there who is interested in her, could be she actually misses YOU, or it could be that it was just a passing whim ... You'll never know and at the end of the day it doesn't matter if you sincerely want to stay clear of her.
Author john1988 Posted September 14, 2009 Author Posted September 14, 2009 Quest, Caliguy thanks for the advice I'm 99% sure she is looking for some validation and there is no way in hell I'm going to give it to her I've decided I think with the way she acted with me she doesn't deserve me to pick her up, dust her off so she can move on to the next guy, the indifference I've shown her is there for all to see it's a polite way of saying I don't want to talk to you yet she still persists. There is absolutely no way we can be friends, just because she's a spoiled brat she thinks she can have anything she wants well that doesn't wash with me anymore.
CaliGuy Posted September 14, 2009 Posted September 14, 2009 Quest, Caliguy thanks for the advice I'm 99% sure she is looking for some validation and there is no way in hell I'm going to give it to her I've decided I think with the way she acted with me she doesn't deserve me to pick her up, dust her off so she can move on to the next guy, the indifference I've shown her is there for all to see it's a polite way of saying I don't want to talk to you yet she still persists. There is absolutely no way we can be friends, just because she's a spoiled brat she thinks she can have anything she wants well that doesn't wash with me anymore. If you're that sure then steer the course and do not deviate. Just block her emails and attempts to contact you. Look... If they are really sorry. If they really love you. If they really want to be with you... ...then they wouldn't make lame-arsed attempts to contact you (email, text, IM, etc). They would FIND you, literally beat down your front door and TALK to you. Anything less is simply self-validation. "I don't want you, but I want to make myself feel better by knowing you still want me..." Cheers
Author john1988 Posted September 14, 2009 Author Posted September 14, 2009 If you're that sure then steer the course and do not deviate. Just block her emails and attempts to contact you. Look... If they are really sorry. If they really love you. If they really want to be with you... ...then they wouldn't make lame-arsed attempts to contact you (email, text, IM, etc). They would FIND you, literally beat down your front door and TALK to you. Anything less is simply self-validation. "I don't want you, but I want to make myself feel better by knowing you still want me..." Cheers It's so true, I like what you said earlier about if she wanted to apologize she would have sent an email or letter, that's how I know that she is not, if you are genuinely sorry you would send an unconditional apology that requires no response whatsoever that's when you can tell people don't have a hidden agenda I think.
Quest Posted September 14, 2009 Posted September 14, 2009 You'd KNOW if she wanted anything more than to feel a bit better about herself and the way she left things. That's because she'd be actually trying to get back together again with you - as Caliguy puts it, 'beating the door down'. Some people do manage to become friends with their ex after their relationship with them is over but in my experience that's usually when a split has been fairly mutual and nobody treated anyone really badly ... things just 'didn't work out'. That's a hell of a lot different to a relationship that ends because someone cheated, or behaved in a cruel or disrespectful way. How many of us would choose to make a friend of someone who let us down, caused us pain and who we couldn't trust? That's just madness. Definitely keep up the NC if you want to be clear of her and it sounds as if you do!
CaliGuy Posted September 14, 2009 Posted September 14, 2009 It's so true, I like what you said earlier about if she wanted to apologize she would have sent an email or letter, that's how I know that she is not, if you are genuinely sorry you would send an unconditional apology that requires no response whatsoever that's when you can tell people don't have a hidden agenda I think. Precisely. If I dumped someone and was just feeling bad about my treatment of them, I would simply call or email and apology. I wouldn't ask for a response and I wouldn't insist "they call me" or respond to attempts that have no real information as to the purpose of them trying to get in contact with me. I had an ex at work that would only contact me when her b/f is treating her like crap. It wasn't that she missed me, was sorry and wanted me back. She just wanted to feel validated. She wanted to make herself feel better by talking to me. She had no intention of repairing the damage even though she would say silly stuff like "Don't think I haven't thought about it..." (getting back together). I'm sure she thought about it. Just not seriously. Only enough to make her want to talk to me to make herself feel better. The minute he (current b/f) started treating her better again -- as far as she was concerned -- I was off her radar. Again. It's only when they show up at your door (Ask Fox1234 about that), literally beating the thing down, that the truly mean business. Talk = cheap. Actions = from the heart. (And actions are not saying, actions are DOING). Cheers.
Author john1988 Posted September 14, 2009 Author Posted September 14, 2009 Exactly Quest, why stay in touch with someone I don't particularly like as a person anymore? In the vain hope of one day hooking up again? Its madness and besides I have enough friends that treat me with respect. I'm not her enemy I'm just someone from the past now, like a former work or school colleague.
Quest Posted September 14, 2009 Posted September 14, 2009 Yep. What you need post-bad-break-up is to be around people who really appreciate you and respect you, and who clearly enjoy being in your company - in other words REAL friends. It's a case of building up your self-esteem again and remembering that you are worthwhile person. Spending time around someone who rubbished you is NOT going to have that effect - quite the reverse.
Author john1988 Posted September 14, 2009 Author Posted September 14, 2009 Funny you should say that Caliguy, I got into a fight recently with another former brief girlfriend turned friend of mine, she used to call me her best friend yet despite me phoning her to hang out would always refuse, contacting me only to complain about problems with her boyfriend at the time. I found this extremely selfish and one day snapped, it's been months since we've spoken I even sent her an unconditional apology weeks ago to make peace but nothing back. People can be heartless at times.
CaliGuy Posted September 14, 2009 Posted September 14, 2009 Funny you should say that Caliguy, I got into a fight recently with another former brief girlfriend turned friend of mine, she used to call me her best friend yet despite me phoning her to hang out would always refuse, contacting me only to complain about problems with her boyfriend at the time. I found this extremely selfish and one day snapped, it's been months since we've spoken I even sent her an unconditional apology weeks ago to make peace but nothing back. People can be heartless at times. She's just showing you her true colors. She wanted to vent to you because you would listen to her. Women who dump you and then come to you with their current b/f issues are seeking validation. They want to feel better about themselves -- at your expense. That's not friendship. That is a win/lose situation. She wins. You lose. If she really wanted to be with you, she would be. She would not be talking about her ex to you, for sure. She'd be beating your door down. Literally.
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