ReturnToSender Posted September 9, 2009 Posted September 9, 2009 Hello everyone... I feel so horrible right now and I hope that someone out there can offer some advice or encouragement or...something...I could use anything right now. Ive been with my bf for over 2 years now...and I have to say, the past two years really have been wonderful. Hes been great with my daughter, and very loving to me. Our one issue is that hes a workaholic...he delves into one project after another, asking me to be patient, that after its over we'll have more time together...but there was always another project and another plea for patience. Add to it...as the months went on...our sex life kept dwindling down down...at first he said it was stress, then he started freaking and saying he couldnt if he wanted to. He was doing everything from taking ginko stuff I think it was, to pills from the drugstore, to finally getting a physical done to rule anything out, but he was completely healthy. Though I would get frustrated at times...everything else about him was more than enough to make up for it...I truly loved him and was willing to be patient. Well, a couple of weeks ago, I found out that nearly a year ago he cheated on me. Im only finding out now..hes had all this time to sort through it...and his argument has been that it was only once, and that he has been there 100% in every way possible for me since then...that it has to count for something. While its true that he spent a lot more time with me, and with my daughter, and we went on trips and such over the summer... It doesnt change the fact that I just found out he cheated on me...he lied to me...and Im trying to deal with what I just found out...it doesnt matter when it happened..it still hurts! We tried to make things work...I wanted to get past it..I wanted to be able to trust him and have back what we did. But instead of workign through this with me...hes made himself even more busy with work. If we talked on the phone, hed have to quickly leave cause he needs to work. If we met for lunch, hed rush through it and say he needs to work. It has reached maddening levels, over and beyond anything it ever was. We went to a friends party on monday...all guys he works with..and the other woman came up in conversation..they were alll asking my bf about her, how shes doing, if shes coming back out anytime soon, if shes worked on anything new. I was completely humiliated... Today I talked to him...I told him how I felt, and I asked him if they knew...he promised they didnt...that if they did they definitely woudlnt have started a conversation abotu her around me. He swore...it happened once, no one knows about it, he doesnt want anyone to know about it..the whole moment is garbage that he wants to throw away. Anytime the subject of this comes up..he gets incredibly angry and starts yelling and cursing...he swears its not directed at me..that hes just angry at the situation, at how much it hurt me, that it happened, and at himself. But for 2 weeks now..instead of any resolution..its either him pretending nothing happened, or him yelling and cursing...and always me in tears just upset with the whole everything. Well, today I couldnt handle it anymore...and him just screaming like a maniac on the phone...for the first time since this whole thing started...I screamed at him and hung up the phone. I instantly sent him a text message telling him not to call me, not to email me and to just do whatever he wants to with his life. Afterwards, I sent him emails with all the business info that I have for him letting him know its off my hands and his totaly responsibility to handle, and a final personal email letting him know that I do love and adore him..that I did want things to work...but I cant be in a relationship like this...this was the final straw. I was able to be patient and supportive of his work, even though the schedule kept us apart and hed tell me he has no concept of whats in store for us in the future. I was able to be understanding of the sexual situation...but less so since he was perfectly capable of being with someone else. And then the months of being lied to...that I cannot even remember or detect a hint of guilt the whole tme...and being yelled at incessently at every turn now. Its all too much. I let him know..Im not the woman he wants...and that hes not the man I need, and that this relationship is not going to work...not like this. He didnt respond to me...maybe perhaps cause of my initial message telling him not to call or email me again...ahhh... but I dont know. A huge part of me feels like he will feel relived to not have to deal with a relationship, now he can focus even more on his work. By the way..he sets his own schedule and works independently...even so, Ive never had a problem with it..its just that now..hes delved full force into it. Hes using it as an escape. A close friend of his told me that a couple of weeks ago (likely when I found out he cheated) he came to her and was very upset and worried...he said that he doesnt want to lose me and that he does love me. Having known him for so many years...she tried to assure me that she has never seen him be with anyone like he has with me...even with how much he works, hes never made the time for anyone like he has me....and that he genuinely loves my daughter and will even get excited when our family days would come up, talking about whatever hed have planned for us to do that day. She said she saw a side of him she didnt know existed... Over these past couple of weeks, she noticed hes been working more..and that he has talked more about me than he ever has. She couldnt say all that he talked about, since he did talk to her in confidence..but she said for what its worth, if I knew the things he shared with her, Id know without a doubt he does love me and want to be with me. And she wishes he was able to express that to me directly. Espeically now when I need to hear it most. Anyway...he isnt tellng me these things..Im getting the angry yelling side..and I cant handle it. I dont know what to do...I wish Id never found out he cheated...and I feel horrible for sending a break up email instead of waiting to talk to him..but I feel..I react. And I know that I woudlnt have been able to see him again until next weekend anyway. If I sat and simmered about it until then, I woudl have been an emotional wreck. So anyway, I broke up with him..and now I feel numb. I dont know when we'll talk again..if we'll talk again. I cant sleep...Ive smoked a pack and a half of cigarettes since this evening (and Im a less than half a pack/day smoker) and crying on and off the entire day. I feel horrible.
samsungxoxo Posted September 9, 2009 Posted September 9, 2009 You did the right thing. I can't think of any living soul that would tolerated not only being cheated on but at the same time verbally abused after finding out their SO cheated. What did he expected, that since it was last year he cheated, that you would turn the other cheek and get over it soooo fast?? That's bein inconsiderate.. If he wanted the relationship to work out without you questioning about the other woman, then why cheat in the first place??
Author ReturnToSender Posted September 9, 2009 Author Posted September 9, 2009 Thanks for the support with this... its so hard. He responded to me...very freaked out. He said he knows he needs to put more into this, that he will dedicate whatever it takes into proving himself... He asked if we can still have family day and movies and dates, and be together whenever we can. I know that the way he wants to handle this is to pretend it never happened and eventually everything else will go away with it, but thats not going to work. I responded and told him that I cant do that...pretending nothing happened. Im an emotional wreck..and quite frankly, with how angry he is over the whole thing...he needs to deal with it too. Pretending isnt going to make things better...its making things worse. I told him we need to take a break...we need to concentrate on our own selves and sort our own feelings out, not talking to each other, not seeing each other, then come back to this in a few weeks and see if we can resolve things. Its just WAY too soon to try and move forward right now. I want to resolve this, and so does he. I know that for sure...but his method is only going to tear everything apart completely. Maybe in this time apart he will really think about what it is he wants, what he wants out of this relationship, and what really matters to him. Or, maybe he will delve into his work and realize how much easier it is to function without a relationship on the top of his mind. I dont know... Either way, this time apart will give him enough time to think. And it will give me time to think too...without the drama of all the messy emotional outbursts weve been dishing out to each other lately. whatever his choice...I already know and am prepared to do what is right for my daughter and for me. I know we do fine on our own...even though Ill ache for ages over the loss, Im not afraid to be alone. But if hes willing to really show that we mean something to him...not just say it but make me feel it for a change, I would be open and welcome to it.
Author ReturnToSender Posted September 10, 2009 Author Posted September 10, 2009 He hasnt responded yet..but I think hes still working and maybe waiting until hes alone to get back to my message. All the same...Ive been reading up on NC and I could really use some help for how this will help us. I believe we need NC so that we can take the time apart...to be able to talk without either of us being so emotionally charged, but we both have every desire and intention of making this work...of eventually being able to talk to each other and get past this. Everything Ive read about NC is to not accept any form of contact, not to make any form of contact for any reason. But I have my thoughts and questions...Im not doing this because I want to move on. If he reaches out to me...what is it that I do? At what point would we even know that we are ready for NC to end and move to the stage where we can talk again? I dont want to send the message that I dont care about what he has to say or wants to do...I dont want to maintain silence to the point that he decides perhaps I have given up. Im not doing this so that he'll grovel and go crazy trying to reach me either. I dont want to play games or be manipulative... I just want and need us to take some time... Id appreciate any advice or thoughts about NC in this situation please! Is NC even the right path to take here?
Author ReturnToSender Posted September 10, 2009 Author Posted September 10, 2009 Please? Anyone with advice on this NC? He still hasnt replied to confirm he got my message or that hes on board or optimistic or upset or what have you... I dont know. And no, im not going to contact him again to find out if he got my message about it. Im going to try my best not to... I just have the sinking feeling hes going to delve into work and use it to just forget everything altogether. What sucks is...yesterday I got a call from his cousin...he told his mom we were having problems, and the news spread through his whole family...they are all worried about me and wanted to let me know that they love me and see me as part of the family...that they are here for me. I got messages from *his* friends telling me they know we're having problems, that they see me as a friend, not just the gf, and if I ever want to hang out or talk to let them know... From everyone..he hasnt told them what happened, just that things are rough right now, from everyone, theyre worried cause theyve never seen him so down before and afraid Im alone going through this and dont want me to be, that they are all shocked that we are having problems, cause we were so happy together. So, hes talking to everyone who will listen about how depressed and down he is...but he cannot express all of this to me? Im the one who needs to hear it...not the "can we just keep seeing each other and pretend nothing happened" vibe...but the real how he feels and what he wants and whats going on in his head and how this is affecting him part... I have sent him so many emails over these past couple weeks...so detailed, so revealing, wanting him to know how hurt I am, but that I love him deeply and want this to work. I told him that yesterday as well, when I told him about taking a break. And not even a word? This isnt the time to be machismo...everyone else is seeing and hearing what *I* need to hear from him. Ive revealed myself completely...because I want to be totally open, I want this to work. And not even a small gesture to confirm he got my message? for all I know theres a reasoon for it..and he wll respond afterall, and Im freaking out for nothing. It hasnt even been a day yet afterall. Im just... I dont wanna do NC anymore! This is like one of those good in theory with all the right intentions blows up in your face and makes things worse things. Thats the last thing I wanted to do. This whole thing is so ****ed up.
Author ReturnToSender Posted September 10, 2009 Author Posted September 10, 2009 Okay...no one has advice for me on NC...which is okay I guess. I decided to forget about NC and I wrote him. Will see what happens from here.
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