WhyYesThankYou Posted September 9, 2009 Posted September 9, 2009 Hello out there, wise and anonymous masses. I've been "seeing" a guy for a little over two months now; he lives in another city, so it's long-distance. We've seen each other several times and send substantive emails daily. His work requires him to stay in his city most weeks and weekends. My work is quite flexible. I recently worked something out so I can go to his city every week for work. (There's a shortage of people in my field working in his city at the moment. Whether or not I see him while I'm there, it's a good move professionally for me to be there on a weekly basis.) What I'm wondering is, if I'm at risk of "smothering" him? And whether I should ask him if I am? For example, he's about to take on a new (higher) role at work, which will involve more stress and responsibility. So I sent him a card to wish him well. On the same day that the card arrived, he emailed me to say he was sick - so I called to see how he was and tell him I hope he feels better. Is this too much on the same day? I just don't want him to feel smothered and run off as a result. My working in his city - sending snailmail - calling - is it too much? And should I ask him to tell me if he feels like it's too much? Or would asking him in itself be so neurotic as to turn him off?
SoulSearch_CO Posted September 9, 2009 Posted September 9, 2009 I'm in a similar situation - the guy lives in another city and pretty much needs to stay there most of the time. If I have something going on in his city, I just let him know. Both times, he has requested to see me while I am there. So I don't see a problem with you WORKING in his city. I just wouldn't expect (at such an early stage) him to see you every time. Put the option out there, he knows you're available, but don't put pressure on him...making it seem the ONLY reason you worked the job out was to see him. If I were there EVERY weekend, I might suggest a meeting here and again...but my trips being so infrequent, I leave it to him to ask. So YMMV. As for the card/call/etc in one day...no, I don't think so. It showed that you care. As long as you're not sending him daily love letters via email and tying him up on the phone, I think you're good. LOL The key is to keep a balance...let him know he's on your mind, while at the same time he realizes he's not ALL that's on your mind. How do you feel the call was received when you called to wish him better? Asking? No. I wouldn't do that. It screams insecurity, IMO. Would a healthy person go to the doctor? See yourself as an emotionally healthy, valid person and act like one...have confidence in yourself, and you don't need to ask anybody anything. I personally think you're doing okay...but it really depends on how your actions are received by him. Does he act happy when you make contact and/or is he reciprocal in kind?
Els Posted September 9, 2009 Posted September 9, 2009 At most, you MIGHT be putting too much of yourself out there for someone who might not return it. That MIGHT lead to him taking advantage of things and thinking he doesn't need to put in effort, if he's that kind of guy. But you're certainly not SMOTHERING him, like the unhealthy control type. How the heck is seeing someone on weekends and having a card and email arrive on the same day considered smothering? Maybe it would be on the third DAY or something, but you've been together for two months!
Author WhyYesThankYou Posted September 9, 2009 Author Posted September 9, 2009 Thanks, guys. All good points. It's hard; I have no sense of perspective when it comes to looking at myself and what I'm doing in terms of relationships. Or - well - a very questionable perspective. See yourself as an emotionally healthy, valid person and act like one...have confidence in yourself, and you don't need to ask anybody anything. Haha - and here we have the crux of the problem. I'm not emotionally healthy, and I don't feel like a valid person, so I don't act like one. Am working on it, but my god, what a slow process. Still, it is excellent advice. Perhaps I'll adopt the "fake it 'til you make it" approach for a while. I personally think you're doing okay...but it really depends on how your actions are received by him. Does he act happy when you make contact and/or is he reciprocal in kind? Yes, he seems happy. He says he's happy. And yes, he's reciprocal. He's lovely. ... which is why I'm so worried about messing things up. Will try to relax.
seoa Posted September 9, 2009 Posted September 9, 2009 I agree with the 'don't worry too much' that others have said - but, a note of caution... Do you want to set up a dynamic now, that you are always in his area, so he never has to make the effort to travel to see you...? Really...? Think about what you want 2-5 months from now... and maybe don't always tell him when you're in his city - wait for him to ask... and don't always be available... If you don't give him a reason to travel to see you, it will become normal that he never does... Which is fine, if you're OK with that...?
Author WhyYesThankYou Posted September 9, 2009 Author Posted September 9, 2009 Do you want to set up a dynamic now, that you are always in his area, so he never has to make the effort to travel to see you...? Yep, yep, thanks... When I say I'll be "in his city," he still lives/works nearly an hour away from where I'll be. So he'll still have to travel (a bit) to see me, if and when he wants to. And we've established it as an "I'll be there for work; we might catch up sometimes." His "weekend" from work falls during the week - like, he has Tues/Wed off instead of the normal Sat/Sun. So if I didn't take advantage of this work-paid way of being near his city, we'd only see each other maximum of once a month. This is a way we can combine my carrying on with work, while also being geographically more accessible if he wants to see me (I'm not planning to travel out to the town where he is). Once a month, he has a "long weekend" from work that falls across a normal Sat/Sun weekend. Those long weekends, he always comes to see me, or we meet someplace (which he researches and organizes for both of us). I definitely don't want to set up a dynamic of my always being around. But I did tell him I'd be in his area weekly for work - otherwise, you know, he'd never know that dinner with me on a Tuesday night was an option. Maybe I shouldn't have told him; maybe I should have let him do the detective work on that. I guess my reasoning was that if/when he found out I'd been going there every week, he might be annoyed that I hadn't told him - you know, why was I holding out on him, etc. What do you think, if the same situation happened again - or happens again - do you think I should volunteer the info, or let him do all the chasing/pursuing/researching?
SoulSearch_CO Posted September 10, 2009 Posted September 10, 2009 Haha - and here we have the crux of the problem. I'm not emotionally healthy, and I don't feel like a valid person, so I don't act like one. Am working on it, but my god, what a slow process. Still, it is excellent advice. Perhaps I'll adopt the "fake it 'til you make it" approach for a while. EXACTAMUNDO. That's precisely what I was going to say after reading your first paragraph that I quoted above. You may not feel it, but the more you ACT like you do, you will eventually believe it. Seriously. I have had a hell of a time being insecure in relationships in the past. The current dating prospect is freaking rocking my world and it's scaring the **** out of me. I don't let that show. I ask myself what any sane, normal, healthy, strong person would do and I do that. It's been working well for me and you know what? I AM starting to believe it myself and I'm a much happier person. It feels great.
seoa Posted September 10, 2009 Posted September 10, 2009 What do you think, if the same situation happened again - or happens again - do you think I should volunteer the info, or let him do all the chasing/pursuing/researching? No, I'm not a fan of game playing, just of looking ahead a little. Sounds like you're handling things just fine... You go girl
Jersey Shortie Posted September 10, 2009 Posted September 10, 2009 I cosign with Elswyth. It's certainly not smothering but he might like the arangement you two have now where he doesn't have to invest tons of time for you. When you go to his city to work, just tell him your job is making you go there. Don't tell him YOU picked it and worked something out to be in the same city as him. If he seems excited about it and starts to really "woo" you, great. If not, sucky but you have your answer.
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