Radically_Altered Posted September 9, 2009 Posted September 9, 2009 Hey everyone, I discovered LS by chance and have found it really helpful, so thank you so much everyone for sharing their stories. I was wondering if I could please ask everyone for some advice if you could spare some time? I have been seeing someone for just over 2 months (Lets call him 'Robert'). We met on Zoosk initially. We then added one another to FB and I basically left it at that. A little while later, he started sending me really sweet little messages just asking how I was and whether I was having a nice day. We spoke for ages like that and then we exchanged phone numbers and we would message one another every so often. After a few weeks of doing this we met for a lovely, light hearted lunch, and I had a wonderful afternoon, but still felt no real connection with him. I invited him up to the countryside where I live (about 3.5 hours out of the city where he lives) the following week and he drove up to stay the evening with his beautiful dog. Nothing happened between us that night. We slept in separate rooms and he left around morning tea time the next morning to get to work for that afternoon. Then the text messages started - just fun, flirty messages to start with, then we both suddenly realised that we had feelings for one another. Needless to say when we saw each other again we got together. The first month of our relationship was amazing. He was constantly telling me how lucky he felt he was to have me and was always telling me that I was beautiful. He held my hand whenever we were in public and our sex life was great. He was wonderfully affectionate and I just adored him. 6, 7 weeks into our relationships and things were still fantastic. Then things started to change. I knew that for a little while, things at his work were starting to really bother him, to the point where he just didn't feel like going and really had to make himself go. He had friends who were taking advantage of his kindness in a big way - they would invite themselves over, drink all his beer and sleep on his couch for entire weekends and completely overstay their welcome. His family were giving him a difficult time too, and him and his cousin, who is like his brother were fighting. All this came to a head and he just snapped. I was staying over at his place last week when this happened and while I was there he was very abrupt and cold towards me. He spent the whole time slamming doors and saying how much he just wanted to pack a suitcase and get out of the country. I quietly listened to him while trying to offer him support, but nothing seemed to calm him down. I cried all night that night because I was so disappointed that I couldn't do anything to help him. Even though he was in a horrible mood, he still held me and told me that everything would be alright. When he left for work the next morning he kissed and hugged me good bye and told me that he would speak to me soon. When I went to catch my train back home, I sent him a text message saying "thank you" for having me over at his place - I was brought up to say this to anyone who would have me over at their place for the evening, no matter who they were. He didn't reply for an hour or two. When he eventually did, he apologised for being in such a foul mood and then rehashed the whole "Everyone is being a pain in the a**", and that he just wants to go into hibernation for a while so that he could sort all this s*** out with his friends and family and that he hoped I understood why he needed to do this. He never explicitly stated that he wanted to break up or whether we were still cool. I am prone to worrying at the best of times but when I got this message I panicked and frantically called and text message to find out whether he still wanted to be with me. We spoke briefly on the phone and again he said he was sick of everyone in his life and just wanted to get the hell away from them all and wanted space. The day after I got home was the weekend, and I had started sending him text messages asking if he would like me to come over and take some of my things home because I was afraid that it was cluttering up his house (he's a neat freak). Looking back now I know what I did was wrong and I am totally not surprised at how it would have annoyed him because I was messaging him when he was spending the weekend with his parents for his dad's birthday and fathers day the day after that. One of his reply text messages ended with "Why are you sending me these f*ing text messages now?". I was really hurt and stopped messaging him then. This monday morning just gone, I woke up and was still feeling that horrible anxiety and sense of worry, so out of sheer desperation I messaged his best friend's wife on FB (Robert told me that his best friend and his wife were like family to him) and told her that I was very worried for Robert because he hadn't been himself lately and whether she knew if there was anything I could do to help him. Rather than sending me a message back saying that I should discuss this with Robert, she FORWARDS him the message. Robert completely flips out and shuts his facebook down so I can't contact any of his friends. We then spoke on the phone and he was shouting at me saying how pissed he was that I messaged his best friends wife who I didn't even know and that he didn't like people knowing about his personal s***. I calmly explained to him that I didn't message her because I wanted to gossip or make him look bad. I did it out of sheer desperation and concern for him. But he just wasn't buying it. He continued to shout at me and tell me how stupid it was that I did that. I explained to him that I was really concerned and only wanted to help, and that I really wasn't clear about whether he still wanted to be with me and whether things were ok. His response was "I think I made it pretty F*ing clear" and when I explained that I didn't feel that he had been clear, he swore at me some more and said again that he thought he had made it pretty damn clear. Then he hung up. Needless to say I was absolutely gutted after that and thought I had single handedly destroyed the relationship. A few moments after his shouting fit, he messaged me to ask when I was coming over to get my stuff. I replied that I would come down whenever it suited him. His response was "just tell me a day so I can make sure that I'm there". I didn't reply for a while because I was just so devastated at being shouted at and just couldn't stop crying. I eventually messaged him back saying that I wasn't able to head into town to collect my things until the weekend. His response was "Oh, so all that asking about whether you could come and get your things wasn't all that urgent after all". My reply was that I would still try my best to come down to collect my things but because I had been unwell it would have been difficult for me to do so. I have been having some worrying issues about my cardiac and respiratory system recently and had to consult a physician about it up where I was. When I told him I was worried about being sick, he texted back asking "is everything ok?" and I replied that I didn't know but had to have things checked out just in case which is why I would have had a difficult time heading into the city to collect my things. I didn't hear from him again after that. The next day I checked my FB account and noticed that he had re-activated his FB but had deleted me. I was devastated and messaged him there saying that it would be a terrible shame to end things like this, and even if he didn't understand that all my messaging and messaging his best friend's wife was only out of genuine concern and nothing else, I hoped that he would want peace between the two of us. In essence, I was extending the olive branch. I then shut my facebook account down because it was just too painful knowing that I still had it but he was no longer my friend. I really don't want to go and collect my things. I'm scared to see him. But I know if I do a no-show he would be even angrier. I'm taking my mum along with me for moral support. I want to call him just to let him know I'm bringing my mum but I'm petrified of calling him. Even the thought of it makes me break out in a cold sweat. I just want to walk away and let this whole thing blow over. I am busting to do NC so I can at least go away and start healing myself and move on. If it weren't for the fact that my things were at his house I wouldn't be speaking to him any time soon. I read somewhere that all relationships have their ups and downs, and I'm hoping that this is one of the downs. It would be so sad if what was essentially a wonderful relationship was destroyed over such a simple misunderstanding/miscommunication. Am I wrong to think that? So what I want to know now is: 1. Does anyone think this situation is beyond repair and that I should just expect to be dumped? 2. Do you think there is any chance that I could discuss this with when he calms down a little bit (after some NC on my behalf) 3. Or do you think that I should just grab my things and run and never look back? Thank you so much everyone for your time and help in advance.
Author Radically_Altered Posted September 9, 2009 Author Posted September 9, 2009 Bumpies!! Can someone please help me out? Pretty please
Broseph Posted September 9, 2009 Posted September 9, 2009 Ok its a long post to sort through but Ill try my best to offer what I know based on the circumstances u have told here. Obviously don't take anything i say to heart and in the end it is how you feel. Now the first thing I would say is to sit back for a day or two and think what you really want. This guy seems to have alot of anger issues, i mean alot and a guy should never make a women cry like he made you cry. I swear sometimes but it is to get laughs, swearing at people is another thing. Now I dont put a timeline on anyones relationship but you are only in two months here and this is happening? Seems like a very short honeymoon period dont you agree? so onto your questions 1. Does anyone think this situation is beyond repair and that I should just expect to be dumped? I think it should be for you, he seems like he has issues he must sort out before he sees anyone. I do not think the situation is beyond repair but I wouldnt message him, his friends or go on facebook for a couple days. Give him space. 2. Do you think there is any chance that I could discuss this with when he calms down a little bit (after some NC on my behalf) There is always a chance but see my answer to question above. Best to figure out your emotions first, he has pulled away but that doesnt mean he has run away. 3. Or do you think that I should just grab my things and run and never look back? Bingo
Ariadne Posted September 9, 2009 Posted September 9, 2009 1. Does anyone think this situation is beyond repair and that I should just expect to be dumped? Yes, it's beyond repair. The guy is rude and doesn't care. 2. Do you think there is any chance that I could discuss this with when he calms down a little bit (after some NC on my behalf) No, you are dealing with someone that needs to grow up. 3. Or do you think that I should just grab my things and run and never look back? Yes. And hope that you don't hear from this guy again. Hope your health is doing ok and better luck next time. Guys can be charming at first, but it takes time to get to know someone other than in their best behavior.
Author Radically_Altered Posted September 9, 2009 Author Posted September 9, 2009 Hey guys! Thanks so much for the advice and the opinions. I think I'd have to agree with the both of you. He's 34 and really should know better. Well, as they say its his loss. We could have had something wonderful but I guess I'll save that for someone who really deserves it Thanks again!!
georgia girl Posted September 9, 2009 Posted September 9, 2009 Here's my answers: 1) Do I think the situation is beyond repair? Possibly, but it's his mess; not yours. That means that you don't have to fix it. He said/did some very hurtful things. In healthy relationships, people do hurt each other, but they apologize, are genuinely remorseful and work at fixing things. There's also a line that they never crossed. In my world, this would be one toke over that line. That may not be the same for you. However, he's got to show remorse and make amends. If he's not willing to do this, let him go. 2) Can I discuss this when he calms down? You are catering to his emotions and ignoring you're own. That's natural. You're in the "anything to get him back" mode which is slightly self-destructive. We'll give up things we believe are right and things we need just to get back to good. Go no contact and get some distance from him. Only then can you have the perspective to look at your situation objectively and decide what needs to happen for yourself. Whether or not he'll ever meet the standards you set is another issue. But don't take his outburst onto you. 3) Grab my things and never look back? I'm a pretty tough cookie and that would be a deal breaker for me. But, the situation just happened and who knows how your ex-partner will respond. If he calms himself down, shows remorse, apologizes AND commits to fixing his behavior, then maybe he can be a good partner to you and it will be a healthy relationship. But if he doesn't, he's shown you a side of his personality that I think will become more and more apparent as time goes by. That's not worth sticking around for. There are lots of fish in the sea.
Author Radically_Altered Posted September 9, 2009 Author Posted September 9, 2009 Hey Georgia girl, Those are great answers! You know, the more I think about it the more I realise that I am catering to his emotions and not mine. I don't think I like the person I am when I am with him. You see, I live all by myself in a country town which is about 3.5 hours out of the city and it does get very lonely out here. My mother actually said that it's the isolation that's made me needy. I have been told by Robert himself that this isn't the first time he has reacted like this to situations like this and so I guess the chances of him not actually doing anything about it is pretty high and I'm 31 now and too old to stick around for 34 year olds who can't deal with adulthood. I feel stronger now, stronger than I felt even 3 days ago, but I know I still have to endure some of the pain that goes with the loss, not necessarily of the person but of the relationship that we had. Ah well, such is life eh? I'm glad I learnt something from this, so to me it wasn't a complete loss. Thank you so much once again for your advice. All the best!
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