simplytroubled Posted September 9, 2009 Posted September 9, 2009 I read here a lot.. but today I decided I need to discuss this with someone... I need advice. I've been married for several years and lately we've hit a rut. My husband and I seem to be drifting apart... he works many long hours and I work a totally opposite schedule so we rarely see each other to start. He's always tired and irritable and never willing to help me out. He's a great guy and I love him dearly but I'm just not getting enough attention or effort or variety or SOMETHING!! If I try to discuss or suggest change he explodes...frustrating. Naturally I started to pour my energy into my job and have started to develop feelings for a coworker of mine. He's funny, attentive, and also- married... with kids. It's awful, when I see him I get all giddy and feel really childish. I wish I didn't feel this way. I'm pretty certain he feels the same way. In fact one night he told me that if we weren't married he would ask me out . I dodged the conversation and turned it to something generic like sports.. thinking it not a good idea to tell him I feel the same way. Sometimes we flirt... hard. Sometimes I go into work try to ignore him. Sometimes he's really cold towards me... but the tension is in the air. Whenever we do make eye contact sparks fly. Another coworker noticed the chemistry between us and mentioned it to me one day. I played dumb. What can I do to push these feelings aside?? I'm not sure what is going on between my husband and I but this other man is married and I would never want to play a role in their demise. I feel like if we continue on like this eventually something IS going to happen.. I can't pretend he's not in the room forever, you know? I just want some words of advice I guess..How do I cool my emotions.. and be true to my values?? sigh. Finding new interest in my husband is a whole other issue.
always_searching Posted September 9, 2009 Posted September 9, 2009 Hello, simplytroubled. I have to start out my stating that, though I am not married, I know what you are going through, as I too have had chemistry with and found myself extremely attracted to married people before. That being said, I cannot emphasise this enough: getting involved with married people is not a good idea, and it only makes matters worse that you too are married. Now, I understand you stated that it is just a chemistry/emotional thing right now, but if you want to end these feelings, I suggest you do one of two things (or, ideally, both): (1) rather than talking to your husband about change, when he comes home say, "I love you, but I am unhappy and have lately found myself attracted to another man," and/or (2) tell your co-worker that you are attracted to him, and feel that it would be best for both of your marriages to avoid further contact. So, my advice boils down to this: if you are serious about wanting these feelings to fade, honesty is the best policy. Affairs, regardless of emotional or physical, tend to lose their appeal if feelings regarding the other person are revealed to the husband/wife/significant other. So, that is the route that I would take. Of course, all of this is assuming that you truly want these feelings you have for this co-worker to cease. Because, let's be honest: feeling "giddy" and having something to look forward to everyday in seeing him and getting that rush when you do see him is hard to give up. Still, it is better to stick to your principles and remember that you are married--you vowed your life to your husband under God. Of course, to a number of people that latter aspect doesn't mean anything, but if your marriage really means something to you--which I assume it does, since you ask how to make this current situation and your current feelings regarding your co-worker end: then be honest with your husband, and then be honest with your co-worker. Anyway, I hope this helps. Good luck!
lkjh Posted September 9, 2009 Posted September 9, 2009 Tell your husband that you are losing interest in your married life and tell him the exact reasons. What you need, what bothers you, what you don't like. Don't speak in code,us men have trouble understanding women because you guys rarely sat exactly what you mean. Get MC if needed and avoid the OM as much as possible. The OM was testing the water when he said he would ask you out. You do not want this to turn into a affair, it will seem great at first but later on you will loose everything. Your self-respect, your M, the OM will lie to you and claim he wants to leave his wife for you and when his wife finds out he will toss you under the bus. Marriage is meant to last forever, and hopefully yours will. But over the course of 30+years you will have hard years where you want a change but you have to remember if you fight through these years it will be bliss. When you are old and gray, it will feel a lot better knowing you have someone there with you. You will have a real family. But to get all of those happy things like children, grandchildren, vacations, Christmas parties, holidays, and family weekends you have to work for it now. You have to go NC(no contact) with the OM. Don't let him know why just start avoiding him. If he ask you why just pretend you don't know what he is talking about. If he ask you to hang out say no(you can even make up a reason). What ever you do make sure he is out of your life, or as much as possible. It's good that you are taking care of this early before it gets bad.
Spectre Posted September 9, 2009 Posted September 9, 2009 I don't really get it. You say you love your husband, but if that were true you wouldn't be flirting and developing feelings with this other guy. Another red flag is the fact that this other man is married and has children and is still flirting with you and stuff. Most people would think he's a scumbag for doing that, but you seem to think he's an awesome guy. As for advice? Stop talking to him, stop flirting with him..it's really that simple. If doing any of those things are difficult for you then you really don't belong married. Even if you do get him out of your life, it still doesn't really address the issue as to why a woman who is supposedly "in love" is out there majorly flirting with her co-workers.
lupa Posted September 9, 2009 Posted September 9, 2009 Marriage counseling. Go by yourself if your husband won't go with you...I guarantee he will go with you to the next one. How people can give up so easily to temptation blows my mind. Whatever happened to "I do forever" meaning, you know, forever?
Meaplus3 Posted September 9, 2009 Posted September 9, 2009 The best way to handle this IMO, is to figure out what is missing in your marriage. Something must be lacking in order for you to have feelings for this OM.The best way to break free form an EA is with NC.. or in your case since your work with the OM, Limited contact. Emotional affairs can get hot and heavy quick. The sooner you can break free, the better off you will be. So, forget this MM.. and focus on your H. You can do it. Mea:)
Spectre Posted September 9, 2009 Posted September 9, 2009 Marriage counseling. Go by yourself if your husband won't go with you...I guarantee he will go with you to the next one. How people can give up so easily to temptation blows my mind. Whatever happened to "I do forever" meaning, you know, forever? I see more and more girls just changing and doing stuff like this. Even girls I never thought would act like this all of a sudden are cheating on their bf's, etc. I know females aren't the only people who cheat, but in the last few years I've seen a huge increase in the amount of women/girls I know who just can't keep from getting with other dudes..while still spouting the whole "I love my bf" type junk. What's the world coming to? I'm to the point where I just can't trust anyone of the opposite sex anymore. It seems like if you do find a decent girl your relationship simply becomes a question of "how long until she stops being decent?" *Note-no offense to the ladies out there, I know men are dogs too, but I'm a guy so I tend to focus more on women than men.
Author simplytroubled Posted September 10, 2009 Author Posted September 10, 2009 I appreciate all your responses.. some additional thoughts... Hello, simplytroubled. Now, I understand you stated that it is just a chemistry/emotional thing right now, but if you want to end these feelings, I suggest you do one of two things (or, ideally, both): (1) rather than talking to your husband about change, when he comes home say, "I love you, but I am unhappy and have lately found myself attracted to another man," and/or (2) tell your co-worker that you are attracted to him, and feel that it would be best for both of your marriages to avoid further contact. ! - I kind of like your idea of telling my coworker I feel the same and for that reason we should probably keep things work related. Avoiding each other is impossible as we are constantly interacting. - I don't feel comfortable mentioning to my husband that I am attracted to another man and super unhappy.. I don't. I haven't done anything wrong at this point and I feel that it could possibly backfire. He works hard to be a good provider so that would be an unnecessary blow.
Author simplytroubled Posted September 10, 2009 Author Posted September 10, 2009 what I needed to hear, thanks.
Author simplytroubled Posted September 10, 2009 Author Posted September 10, 2009 I don't really get it. You say you love your husband, but if that were true you wouldn't be flirting and developing feelings with this other guy. Another red flag is the fact that this other man is married and has children and is still flirting with you and stuff. Most people would think he's a scumbag for doing that, but you seem to think he's an awesome guy. As for advice? Stop talking to him, stop flirting with him..it's really that simple. If doing any of those things are difficult for you then you really don't belong married. Even if you do get him out of your life, it still doesn't really address the issue as to why a woman who is supposedly "in love" is out there majorly flirting with her co-workers. Alright... firstly, I didn't go out of my way looking for an opportunity here.. one arose over a period of time.. that's all. These feeling weren't purposefully nurtured.. it just happened and now I'm looking for advice. I work in an environment with a lot of single people in their 20s and it's a flirtatious kind of atmosphere. He IS married with children and hasn't done anything I haven't done here. At this point he's just talking to a friend at work.. seriously. Flirting is not the end of the world unless there are feelings attached. It's more of just a feeling not a direct behavior anyway... make sense?? I just want everything to return back to normal.
Author simplytroubled Posted September 10, 2009 Author Posted September 10, 2009 Many of you act as if I've done something wrong here... I WAS TRYING TO PREVENT IT!! seesh. Talk about a tough crowd. And for those of you who are married if you're going to act like it could never happen to you... well I hope it doesn't because it's complicated.. or it feels complex anyway.. the answers are all very simple.
Bryanp Posted September 10, 2009 Posted September 10, 2009 I have a quick question. If the roles were reversed wouldn't you want your husband to come to you and tell you that he is unhappy at times in the marriage and is developing feelings for another woman at work? Would you prefer that your husband just keep it to himself so as not to hurt your feelings? If you do not have honesty in your marriage then what do you really have? I wish you luck.
freestyle Posted September 10, 2009 Posted September 10, 2009 So far,the only thing you`ve done wrong is that you have engaged in flirting: ".....sometimes we flirt-hard...." I think the other posters (and myself) recognize that as the first step down a slippery path that will damage your marriage. Many of us also recognize the effects of the "affair fog" beginning to creep in (your defensiveness is a by-product of that), so some of us may "blow hard" in an attempt to clear that fog before it gets any thicker. (kinda like watching a scary movie at the theatre, the audience knows there`s a knife-wielding psychopath behind the door,so everbody starts yelling at the girl, "No, don`t!"...." Run away!" etc.) I went back and re-read the other posts...tough,yes....needlessly harsh, I don`t think so.(I`ve seen much worse) It seemed to me like a lot of sound advice was given, as well as people wishing you well. As far as those who come across as condemning,please try to understand that they are quite possibly people who have been hurt terribly by some form of infidelity, and the scars may be very fresh for some.I don`t know if you`ve ever worn those shoes or not, if not, I hope you never have to find out.They`re filled with sharp pebbles that make every step painful.......................................... My advice to you? Read some of the other stories here regarding emotional affairs. I`d also like to recommend reading the book,"Not Just Friends" by Shirley Glass". She outlines how these situations can arise,what the fallout can be, as well as what steps you can take to prevent affairs.(which is what I think you`re looking for.) One last piece of advice: Hit your mental "fast-forward" button, and try to visualize where you`ll be a year from now depending on which path you choose..........try to look ahead............... I wish you the best.Keep posting if you need to.
Author simplytroubled Posted September 10, 2009 Author Posted September 10, 2009 I have a quick question. If the roles were reversed wouldn't you want your husband to come to you and tell you that he is unhappy at times in the marriage and is developing feelings for another woman at work? Would you prefer that your husband just keep it to himself so as not to hurt your feelings? If you do not have honesty in your marriage then what do you really have? I wish you luck. To be totally honest with you... I would want to hear that my husband was unhappy and that we needed to fix something etc. etc. BUT I can admit that I can be a little jealous and if told that he's interested in someone at work (even though it may never go anywhere) I would fixate on it. I would be angry and my inability to see past it and appreciate my husbands openness would be an issue. So I guess I'd rather not know unless there was something going on... does that make sense?? I don't want him associating every rough patch from here on out with another man.. if you follow.
Author simplytroubled Posted September 10, 2009 Author Posted September 10, 2009 So far,the only thing you`ve done wrong is that you have engaged in flirting: ............ Many of us also recognize the effects of the "affair fog" beginning to creep in (your defensiveness is a by-product of that), so some of us may "blow hard" in an attempt to clear that fog before it gets any thicker. ....... I went back and re-read the other posts...tough,yes....needlessly harsh, I don`t think so.(I`ve seen much worse) It seemed to me like a lot of sound advice was given, as well as people wishing you well. As far as those who come across as condemning,please try to understand that they are quite possibly people who have been hurt terribly by some form of infidelity, and the scars may be very fresh for some.I don`t know if you`ve ever worn those shoes or not, if not, I hope you never have to find out.They`re filled with sharp pebbles that make every step painful.......................................... My advice to you? Read some of the other stories here regarding emotional affairs. I`d also like to recommend reading the book,"Not Just Friends" by Shirley Glass". She outlines how these situations can arise,what the fallout can be, as well as what steps you can take to prevent affairs.(which is what I think you`re looking for.) One last piece of advice: Hit your mental "fast-forward" button, and try to visualize where you`ll be a year from now depending on which path you choose..........try to look ahead............... I wish you the best.Keep posting if you need to. I really appreciate your thoughts here. I do see a lot of defensiveness in myself. I suppose I should be aware of that. I have played out scenarios in my mind and none except for backing off and staying to true to my husband end well. (The OM has older children too. seriously, the situation would never be healthy.) I tried to imagine myself from his wive's perspective... they have a couple kids in early teens, married 15 yrs and all of a sudden he's out the door from some girl who has barely given her own marriage a chance. Anyhow... I'm NOT interested in the affair.. just trying to prevent one. I will check out your recommended reading material. Thanks.
Meaplus3 Posted September 10, 2009 Posted September 10, 2009 [quote=freestyle;2376488 I`d also like to recommend reading the book,"Not Just Friends" by Shirley Glass". She outlines how these situations can arise,what the fallout can be, as well as what steps you can take to prevent affairs.(which is what I think you`re looking for Simply, Do get a hold of this book if you can. It's very helpful and explains so much. Mea:)
freestyle Posted September 10, 2009 Posted September 10, 2009 Wasn`t there a post entitled, "How to Prevent an Affair" that was posted here in the last month, give or take? If I recall, it was very well-written. I`d recommend reading that also.
lkjh Posted September 11, 2009 Posted September 11, 2009 Please don't tell the OM how you are feeling, as I guy I can tell you that will only open a door you want closed. Women and men think different and he will see this as a green light.
Author simplytroubled Posted September 11, 2009 Author Posted September 11, 2009 Please don't tell the OM how you are feeling, as I guy I can tell you that will only open a door you want closed. Women and men think different and he will see this as a green light. I suppose you're right.. although less closure. I see him today so wish me luck! I think I'm going to go back to just trying to ignore him...but total avoidance of eye contact, etc. just seems to escalate things...if you know what I mean. *sigh*
Chia1 Posted September 12, 2009 Posted September 12, 2009 Can anyone link me the ebook version of the above book title? I don't own a credit card, and my parents would not let me waste my money on something like they don't think is important. Thank you very much on helping me edit : Book title = Not just friends
vintagecat Posted September 14, 2009 Posted September 14, 2009 Pretty much the voice of experience here: In my immaturity and inexperience I let a workplace emotional affair in my early 20s turn into an unsatisfactory physical affair and eventual emotional black hole that ended a first marriage (that probably should have ended) and now I'm an older but wiser happily married woman that has been there and done that. I know the early signs and I realize that these things can happen even if you love your spouse but they should be cut off and crushed at the first sign as they are nothing more than signals of dissatisfaction with your life or yourself and are nothing more than a diversionary tactic that keeps you from fixing what is broken even if you never move beyond the fantasy realm. So if you value your marriage, cut off the thoughts, the flirting, the fantasizing. Realize that in spite of your "attraction" this man would probably not meet your needs either, would piss you off eventually and would be a less than perfect mate even in a perfect world (it's the nature of the beast) and get to work on what is not working in your life. Such is the human condition, the grass always looks greener on the other side and everyone is always having more fun, more love, more fulfillment than you are....but looks can be deceiving. Best of luck to you.
Vlad Posted September 18, 2009 Posted September 18, 2009 Whatever you do dont tell your co-worker you like him and that he should stay away because of it, this will only give him hopes and he will work harder on getting to you, believe you don’t want to do that. If you really want to end this there are only two ways: 1.- Quit jour actual job 2.- Or tell him he has gone a little too far and that you don’t like that, tell him you don’t like him and that you want nothing from him that is not work related, that should be enough for you to keep him away, tell him not to ever mention he will date you if he wasn’t married cause it disturbing and it irritates you, that is what a decent married in love with her husband woman will say to a guy like him. But you know what hun, you won’t do any of that, the trill and emotion this brings to you is stronger than anything including your marriage, your husband, your family etc etc. So good luck on your affaire, enjoy it and try to end it quick, don’t take it over a year ok.
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