SoulSearch_CO Posted September 9, 2009 Posted September 9, 2009 Seeing this guy kind of casually the past month. There are definite feelings, but skittishness on both sides due to past hurts. Things have been hot with the chemistry, not "all the way," yet, though. We have been out only like 5 times, but text/email A LOT. Anyway. He invited me to go with him on a trip in a month. He's going for business, but will have a bit of down time to have fun together. It's still up in the air for a couple reasons - I don't want to talk about it. But here's my dilemma - he and I both have a pretty good idea that he makes probably 4 times what I make. I really can't afford plane tickets and that's what he's doing - flying. Knowing him as I do (he's an outright gentleman - won't let me pay for anything, opens doors, very chivalrous), he probably has it in mind that he's GOING to pay. But I would like to be polite...or would it be rude? To just ask if he'd like me to pay for my tickets? How do I phrase the question? I honestly CAN'T afford to pay for the tickets, so is there a way of saying that without sounding cheap? I may be overthinking the situation, anyway, I'd just like some feedback.
LucreziaBorgia Posted September 9, 2009 Posted September 9, 2009 You can say what I usually say... "this sounds like it might get expensive! Would you like me to chip in what I can afford?" He might appreciate the sentiment, at least though I doubt he'll make you pay anything.
Jersey Shortie Posted September 9, 2009 Posted September 9, 2009 I think it's tacky to assume that he will pay for your trip just because he makes more money and usually pays. I personally would say " I think the trip sounds like alot of fun but I just can't afford it." If at that point he makes the choice to pay for you, then that's the choice he made and you both know where you stand. However, to assume that he will pay and making round about comments to fish for an answer isn't exactly fair to him. And yes, it is rude. You need to be honest about what *you* can financailly afford and not expect him to take the responsiblity. While he is the one inviting you on the trip, you both clearly will benefit from it and have a good time. Especially since you have only been seeing him causually for the past month. I also disagree with the way Lucrezia phrased it as well because it's like assuming he should pay for you.
Els Posted September 9, 2009 Posted September 9, 2009 Amazing. I actually think JS' opinion is 100% sound on this.
loveslife Posted September 9, 2009 Posted September 9, 2009 I also agree with JS. The other way makes it sound like you're expecting it. This is your first trip together so there's no set routine for this yet. He'll probably just quickly chime in, no, I'm paying for it. And that'll be that. Chances are, if he travels a lot for business, he might be getting your plane ticket with miles. The hotel room is probably being paid by his client or company. Let us know what happens. Sounds like a fun getaway!
dreamergrl Posted September 9, 2009 Posted September 9, 2009 I'd say "It sounds like fun, and I'd love to go, but it's a bit to expensive for me."
New Again Posted September 9, 2009 Posted September 9, 2009 Good advice from JS. A few months ago my bf went on vacation and he really wanted me to go - he invited me. I said "I wish I could, but I just can't afford it." (Similar financial situation that you described.) So he said he would pay, but I actually still wasn't comfortable with that, so I didn't go. In another similar situation, the invitation was phrased up front: "I would love to take you -----------. It's my treat, so all you have to worry about is packing your bags." This type of invitation made me feel a little more comfortable with the situation.
Trialbyfire Posted September 9, 2009 Posted September 9, 2009 I also agree with JS. If you go on this trip and he pays, this will jump start the timeline for your relationship. How fast do you want to go?
Untouchable_Fire Posted September 9, 2009 Posted September 9, 2009 You can say what I usually say... "this sounds like it might get expensive! Would you like me to chip in what I can afford?"He might appreciate the sentiment, at least though I doubt he'll make you pay anything. This is the best advice! As a guy... hearing "That is too expensive"... is similar to hearing "I want you to pay". That is why LB's advice is the best approach.
Jersey Shortie Posted September 9, 2009 Posted September 9, 2009 Ummm..isn't saying " would you like me to chip in for what I can afford" saying " I want you to pay for me" regardless?
Untouchable_Fire Posted September 9, 2009 Posted September 9, 2009 Ummm..isn't saying " would you like me to chip in for what I can afford" saying " I want you to pay for me" regardless? Your right... same thing... but different attitude. If you show your willing to pay as well, I'm going to respect that much more. Even if I do not let you pay. Don't you want your man to respect you?
The Collector Posted September 9, 2009 Posted September 9, 2009 I would respect Jersey Shortie more for saying she can't afford the trip and hoping the guy will offer/insist than the inherent presumption of someone saying 'Do you want me to chip in for my flight?'
Trialbyfire Posted September 9, 2009 Posted September 9, 2009 It's a form of manipulation if you don't openly state you can't afford it. It's okay to be honest about it and yes, I would respect someone more for having the balls to admit it.
seoa Posted September 9, 2009 Posted September 9, 2009 don't see why you can't use both approaches... "i don't know how much this will cost, but i don't think i can afford more than X for such an event, and it's probably gonna cost more than that... sorry..."
torranceshipman Posted September 9, 2009 Posted September 9, 2009 Definitly tell this guy you'd love to go but it is too expensive for you. Anything else is awkward and it shows good manners to him and shows him how well you handle yourself in a situation that requires a little bit of discretion if you raise this is an upfront and diplomatic way. My boyfriend and I recently went away (we only met a few weeks ago but we've become quite a strong item pretty quickly) - he earns way more than me and generally likes to always pay for dinner etc, but I'd never have expected him to pay for our flights - I would have felt uncomfortable with that.
Author SoulSearch_CO Posted September 10, 2009 Author Posted September 10, 2009 Very good replies, everybody. Thank you. It wouldn't have come up to my mind to wonder how to ask about it if I was just going to ASSUME he'd pay. I'm not going to push that assumption on him, but like I said - knowing him - he probably will. I'm not worried about it one way or the other. He's finalizing some details before the plan is made concrete. So when he brings it up again, I'll use some of the advice here. I'm also traveling (by car) a few days after that trip to attend a friends wedding and am paying for a hotel room, there. So I can use that as a spring board... "Yeah, my friend is getting married on the 7th and I'm going out for that. So I don't think I can afford to do both trips." It's true and I've known about the wedding for a year (and have mentioned it to him a few times). Thanks for the words, everyone. It helped. I also agree with JS. If you go on this trip and he pays, this will jump start the timeline for your relationship. How fast do you want to go? *blushes to the roots of my hair* I'm okay with it. I'm not looking to rush, necessarily. I was quite frankly surprised that he asked. The guy is hella busy. We've seen each other pretty much only once a week because of both of our schedules not lining up and travel time (we live about an hour and a half apart...he's done the bulk of traveling). So the only thing that makes me nervous a little is the thought of spending so much time with him. I'm beginning to become a creature of habit as far as spending time alone and it'll be a little odd. TBH, things have been moving at an accelerated rate with him (and I'm not just talking sex...I don't want to give details, but we've done less than I had done by this point with my xbf...6 dates down). I broke things off with him for a few days because I was a little scared at the speed at which I was starting to care for him and some other circumstances. We resolved said problems and I think getting over that speedbump brought us closer than before. I don't have the slightest idea why falling for this guy scares me more than when I thought I was falling for my xbf. Because it's so much stronger? I don't know. We haven't had a ton of uninterrupted time together and that's why I'd like to go on the trip. Our first date was 6 hours long and that's the longest we've been able to spend together in a block of time (like I said...both of our schedules are getting in the way). Besides, it's a fun city that I've never been to and I think we could find plenty of diversions.
Island Girl Posted September 10, 2009 Posted September 10, 2009 You can say what I usually say... "this sounds like it might get expensive! Would you like me to chip in what I can afford?" He might appreciate the sentiment, at least though I doubt he'll make you pay anything. I agree LB has the best approach. He knows that you can't afford a trip like this - and that you can't afford the tickets.
Author SoulSearch_CO Posted September 10, 2009 Author Posted September 10, 2009 I also want to add...I may have been trying to delude myself by using the word "casual." I AM scared at how fast and HARD I am falling. But to be clear - neither of us is seeing anybody else and have made exclusivity a clear requirement at this point. Jeebus, the guy makes me feel like a headcase. I'm trying to keep my damn feet on the ground and it's not easy.
Island Girl Posted September 10, 2009 Posted September 10, 2009 I also want to add...I may have been trying to delude myself by using the word "casual." I AM scared at how fast and HARD I am falling. But to be clear - neither of us is seeing anybody else and have made exclusivity a clear requirement at this point. Jeebus, the guy makes me feel like a headcase. I'm trying to keep my damn feet on the ground and it's not easy. Oh SS_CO whirlwind romances, while scary for most, are THE BEST. With some, the passion NEVER ends! I am so very happy for you!
Trialbyfire Posted September 10, 2009 Posted September 10, 2009 That's how S. got to me. He bowled me over with romance like a freight train and hasn't stopped!
Island Girl Posted September 10, 2009 Posted September 10, 2009 That's how S. got to me. He bowled me over with romance like a freight train and hasn't stopped! I know, I know!!! It really does happen!! I just LOVE love!!! :love::love: I am such a die hard romantic at heart. :bunny::bunny: these are for you SS_CO.
Author SoulSearch_CO Posted September 10, 2009 Author Posted September 10, 2009 I'm just...dizzy! My thoughts are fuzzy, I almost freaking dropped the "L" bomb today when he was hugging me in the parking lot saying goodbye. I've never felt like this - and I thought the feelings I used to have for my XH when we were dating were strong. It's like some drug that I didn't even know existed. Quite honestly - I'm really glad that our in-person time is limited because it gives me time out to calm the hell down. LOL I get back to feeling like a normal person for a bit. He stated to me that in past dating situations he has always been "in control," but that he doesn't feel that way with me. Straight up, dude - I know exactly what you're talking about. LOL First guy that has ever challenged me intellectually, which is kind of intimidating at times, but a huge turn-on. Thanks, guys. I'm still reeling and I saw him 3 hours ago. Anybody experience hypoglycemia? I kinda feel like that. Not sick, or anything. Just light-headed, weak, a little dizzy. I had 8 hours of sleep today and usually feel incredible after my workouts...which I did until he got a hold of me. It's like the bliss has overwhelmed my body and tired me out. Probably not seeing each other until next week. *pant* *pant* That's a good thing. LOL I know it's bad when I was talking to a friend about him and I blushed so bad, the heat rising from my face fogged up my sunglasses.
Trialbyfire Posted September 10, 2009 Posted September 10, 2009 Know how you feel SS_C. Just relax and enjoy it. The anticipation can be excrutiating!
Island Girl Posted September 10, 2009 Posted September 10, 2009 Probably not seeing each other until next week. *pant* *pant* That's a good thing. LOL I know it's bad when I was talking to a friend about him and I blushed so bad, the heat rising from my face fogged up my sunglasses. The first time I kissed my husband my knees actually buckled and my legs were shaking so badly that I had to sit down for a few minutes. It was the first time that EVER happened and I have kissed some great kissers - or thought I had. *BAM* and there is nothing like it - nothing greater. Enjoy everything! Even the excruciating (great word TBF) anticipation. You are living what most only get to dream about.
Trialbyfire Posted September 10, 2009 Posted September 10, 2009 The first time I kissed my husband my knees actually buckled and my legs were shaking so badly that I had to sit down for a few minutes. It was the first time that EVER happened and I have kissed some great kissers - or thought I had. *BAM* and there is nothing like it - nothing greater. Enjoy everything! Even the excruciating (great word TBF) anticipation. You are living what most only get to dream about. That first kiss is something, isn't it? Btw, thanks for the spelling fix. I stared at it over and over again, wondering what was wrong with that word!
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