Frightening sings of CP in my relationship - For those in CP relationships

[Serena2009]

Seoa -- Your quote from the Carter and Sokol book is EXACTLY what happened in my case!! What page is it on. It makes me want to highlight it and send a copy to my ex-CP boyfriend but I won't!! BUT . . . if he comes back I will have a hilighted copy ready and waiting.

 

Gray Clouds -- According to Carter and Sokol (1993) some have affairs as a way maintaining emotional distance or as a means of sabotaging the relationship forcing the partner to end it. But this is by no means something all CPs do. It didn't happen in my case.

[leap83]

Leap, the ole "gut" stikes again!! My guy blamed it on his "gut" too because there was nothing wrong with the relationship!! He said among other things regarding breaking up: "There's no logical reason and usually I'm a logical person. I love you and you're awesome. It's great now but what if six months down the road . . . I have a gut feeling and I have to listen to my gut."

 

BTW, during his unexpected visit after 5 weeks NC, I told him "your gut su@#s!!" and that really what his gut feeling was about was anxiety about taking it to the next level (which by the way I wasn't pushing for, HE was).

 

Caramel and Seoa -- physical symptoms -- stomach (gut) -- maybe we should all buy stock in immodium AD!! I hear it cures "butterflies in the stomach."

 

LOL. I can't help but laugh at your post because it's becoming VERY funny right now, even though it is obviously a serious issue. LOL

 

Yeah he said that I'm an amazing person, that he values everything about me, that I superexceeded his expectations, that I'm everything he ever wanted - a checklist girl (as he would call me), that I'm smart, funny, modest, beautiful, etc. Then he said that down the road it won't work. And I'm like "Okay. I'm everything you ever wanted... standing in front of you... we have an amazing relationship... we don't ever fight... we click on everything... yet you say it won't work down the road?!!?!? If this won't work, then wth will?" His gut feeling told him something is off and has been telling him for weeks.

 

"When you met me did you have second thoughts? Did your gut tell you THEN that I wasn't right?" (based on first impressions of people because he claimed to know how to read people very well) and he goes "No." End of story.

 

We have a sprawl over the phone... he goes from thinking of coming back to me, to all of a sudden reversing and saying how it won't work... Then he tries to push me away and tell me we're not right for each other. We discuss this for an hour and after everything is done he goes "So... about your proposal (I proposed we take things slow) - do you still want me to think about it?" and I go ":confused: After all of this?" and he goes "silence". Then he goes "I still really like you." WTF!!!!!

 

Yeah. The story of my life. I'm actually looking forward to his calls now.

 

Oh yes.... And when we were "breaking up" in the car, I ask him "Do you see potential in me/us? Honestly. Do you?" and he goes "Of course I do." We talk a bit more. He starts sighing. I ask him why is he sighing and he goes "Because this can't be now." I touch him to say that I understand, he goes "Your touch is so comforting." *rolls eyes* Not to mention that he couldn't stop kissing me that night, hugging me.... His actions did NOT match his words. His actions pointed otherwise. I think he got spooked by our connection. LOOOL

[leap83]

jj23: You're in denial stage. If you go back and re-examine the whole relationship, you will see all of the red flags. I was in your stage where I only chose to see good things and ignored the bad ones. It's time you start looking at the bad things. He's not with you anymore. He left you. That's A FACT. Now it's time to understand as to why that happened. He could be doing all of the things he did and STILL BE MORTIFIED. Some of the active CPs tend to ignore their issues, thinking that they will be able to handle the anxiety... they don't give a DROP of what is going on in their head until the pressure is too much... they break... crack... and then POOF! They're gone.

 

I would suggest reading the book. It will help you understand and maybe even start seeing stuff you didn't notice before about your relationship.

[westrock]

westrock: Thank you for your reply. Yes. My father acted like a jerk, but I was never really around him and he left my mom and me pretty early - when I was only 8 months. I don't remember any of it. However, I seem to pick the men that fit his personality. That's how I concluded that he was the root cause of my insecurities.

 

Have you since healed your relationship with your father? (or at least forgiven him?)

[Hkizzle]

The book clearly told me to run for the hills and told me exactly why this won't work. It gave me a piece of mind as well - to understand him and to understand myself - to understand WHY he does what he does and WHY I do what I do.

 

 

I know the book says this, the reviews said it as well.

 

The female posters that wrote the reviews however said it doesn't solve their intial problem which is being attracted to these men. See, the book taught them to notice and run once they are with a CP, but then what?

 

These women become bored with nice guys, and can only feel attraction to CPs or jerks, so they want a solution for that.

[leap83]

Have you since healed your relationship with your father? (or at least forgiven him?)

 

Nope. You can't forgive that man for what he said/did. And you definitively cannot heal the relationship because he managed to destroy it, even though he had a second chance of getting to know me and fixing the mistake he made.

 

I'm not necessarily angry at what he has done or hate him - I don't have any feelings for him. Sometimes, yes... it's tough knowing that your own father didn't want you but I live pretty normally. My grandfather raised me and he was like a father figure for me. I also had a brilliant/lovely man for my stepfather who was there for me no matter what. So, I had enough father figures in my lives to know and pick differently.

 

I don't know. Maybe I do hate my father for what he did. I know that when I'm ready I want to face him and tell him some of the stuff. But I'm not yet ready for that.

[leap83]

I know the book says this, the reviews said it as well.

 

The female posters that wrote the reviews however said it doesn't solve their intial problem which is being attracted to these men. See, the book taught them to notice and run once they are with a CP, but then what?

 

These women become bored with nice guys, and can only feel attraction to CPs or jerks, so they want a solution for that.

 

Well to be honest, does anyone know how to fix this problem? Except that you run away from CP men and stay away from them?! I think it's about dealing with the root cause - there must be the root cause as to why they're attracted to these men.

 

I wouldn't necessarily say that I find other men boring. I don't. They just don't seem my type - physically, mentally. It's like meeting someone who is awesome but not having any chemistry with them.

 

As I said previously, I'm still searching for that root cause of my picking. It could be my father... it could be something totally different... it could be just pathetic taste in men...

[westrock]

See, the book taught them to notice and run once they are with a CP, but then what?

 

These women become bored with nice guys, and can only feel attraction to CPs or jerks, so they want a solution for that.

 

Hkizzle.. I agree with you. Noticing and running is only a start. Getting rid of the active-CP person from one's life is not a cure of the other partner's own passive-CP tendencies. The cycle will just repeat itself and the person will eventually find themselves involved again with another CP person.

 

Real healing will start when they look inside themselves and heal their own unresolved emotional wounds from their childhood. Until that is done, the person will continue to be a passive-CP and will continue to be only attracted to active-CP's and will not be attracted to a healthy partner who is able to provide a healthy relationship.

[leap83]

Well, he comes back tomorrow. I was feeling good all day until tonight - some things reminded me of him in the afternoon and I couldn't stop thinking about him and us. I'm surrounding myself with people, yet I feel very lonely - like I lost my best friend.

 

Our connection really did run deep. Maybe that's why it is so tough. Our lives interconnected even though we were on different continents. We had the same experiences (for the most part); values were the same; dreams were the same; the way we acted was the same; manners were the same; I laughed so much with him - he always found a way to make me smile, no matter what - so it's hard. We had so much good, it's hard NOT to concentrate on that and flip a coin to the bad stuff. The good outweighs the bad. Funny thing is I don't know whether I would take him back or not - I have VERY mixed feelings. A part of me would want him back if he changes. The other part keeps saying he'll, ultimately, make me miserable.

 

So, the dreadful week is coming. The phone call week. I don't know whether to be happy it's going to be finally done and over or to be sad that we have reached this point.

[Serena2009]

Hkizzle.. I agree with you. Noticing and running is only a start. Getting rid of the active-CP person from one's life is not a cure of the other partner's own passive-CP tendencies. The cycle will just repeat itself and the person will eventually find themselves involved again with another CP person.

 

Real healing will start when they look inside themselves and heal their own unresolved emotional wounds from their childhood. Until that is done, the person will continue to be a passive-CP and will continue to be only attracted to active-CP's and will not be attracted to a healthy partner who is able to provide a healthy relationship.

 

Westrock -- I don't think you can generalize that the entire population of individuals who become involved with "active runner" CPs have passive-CP tendencies. If that were the case, the experience would be familiar and there wouldn't be so many on these boards looking for information and thinking WTF did I just go through??!! In the beginning, active-CPs present as anything but someone with an issue of emotional attachment. In fact, their early presentation is the polar opposite.

 

Hkizzle -- You said: "These women become bored with nice guys, and can only feel attraction to CPs or jerks, so they want a solution for that."

 

This isn't the case at all!! There are nice guys who aren't the least bit boring and people who end up in these difficult relationships are not solely attracted to CPs and jerks. This is far from the truth!! If you'll read what is being said in these postings you'll find although we're hurt and have discovered we need to set boundries, we are most hurt by the fact that what seemed like a dream relationship has come to an end due to a crippling phobia. It would be far easier to get over a relationship with a jerk because their behavior is totally within their control and not based on a misfiring of instinct.

[Trialbyfire]

If someone shows a pattern of being attracted to CPs, then yes, there are internal issues to resolve.

 

If it's a one-shot scenario, then run like the wind and never look back!

[westrock]

Nope. You can't forgive that man for what he said/did. And you definitively cannot heal the relationship because he managed to destroy it, even though he had a second chance of getting to know me and fixing the mistake he made.

 

I'm not necessarily angry at what he has done or hate him - I don't have any feelings for him. Sometimes, yes... it's tough knowing that your own father didn't want you but I live pretty normally. My grandfather raised me and he was like a father figure for me. I also had a brilliant/lovely man for my stepfather who was there for me no matter what. So, I had enough father figures in my lives to know and pick differently.

 

Having your grandfather and stepfather as father figures were obviously very good role models to have in your life. But even with them in your life, I think it's an important observation that when it comes to the root cause of your insecurities you have identified in your posts that the actions of your father had some role as either the root cause or part of the root cause of your insecurities. At some level, you have identified your father's behavior as having some role in your insecurities.

 

The fact that the relationship with your father is not healed or forgiven means that in your situation the root cause of your insecurities remains unhealed.

 

I don't know. Maybe I do hate my father for what he did. I know that when I'm ready I want to face him and tell him some of the stuff. But I'm not yet ready for that.

 

Healing the emotional wound with your father will be the hardest thing you would ever have to face. Our subconscious is so powerful that it will do everything it can so that we can avoid facing the root cause of our insecurities. The primary way the subconscious does this is by attracting us to circumstances and people, especially romantic partners, that support our insecurities. Specifically, your active-CP b/f's behaviors make it easy for your subconscious to keep those insecurities alive.

 

However, when you finally face your insecurities (in your case by healing the relationship with your father), that is when you will heal the root cause of your insecurities and that is when your subconscious will release you from the attraction to active-CPs.

[westrock]

Westrock -- I don't think you can generalize that the entire population of individuals who become involved with "active runner" CPs have passive-CP tendencies. If that were the case, the experience would be familiar and there wouldn't be so many on these boards looking for information and thinking WTF did I just go through??!! In the beginning, active-CPs present as anything but someone with an issue of emotional attachment. In fact, their early presentation is the polar opposite.

 

I used to think the same as what you're saying and that one can't generalize, but now I think that Trialbyfire's comments above are correct. If I understand He's Scared She's Scared correctly, the authors seem to be saying that if you're with an active-CP, then yes you ARE a passive-CP at some level. Unfortunately, the passive-CP ignores the red-flags but later if they look back they can recall odd comments the active-CP made that point directly to their CP tendencies.

 

We often hear that you can't change your partner, you can only change yourself. But you can't even change yourself until you first admit you have a problem. In this case, a person involved with an active-CP has to admit they are a passive-CP.

 

Also, I don't think the initial behavior of an active-CP is healthy. In fact it's overboard often times. They come on too strong, but this appeals directly to the passive-CP's abandonment insecurities. So naturally to a passive-CP, it just feels so "perfect" and it really is pefect for someone with an abandonment insecurity but it is not perfect for someone who does not have an abandonment insecurity.

[seoa]

Seoa -- Your quote from the Carter and Sokol book is EXACTLY what happened in my case!! What page is it on. It makes me want to highlight it and send a copy to my ex-CP boyfriend but I won't!! BUT . . . if he comes back I will have a hilighted copy ready and waiting.

p213 in my edition - but from "Getting to Commitment", not from "He's Scared, She's Scared"...

 

I haven't read the HS-SS book yet - I think that that's more about describing the passive-CP issues, as a counterpart to active-CP... GtC is more about the active-CP and the things they need to work on...

[leap83]

Yes. I would be considered passive CP because ALL of my relationships exhibit the same pattern. Here:

 

1st - lasted 3 months - came from completely broken family

2nd - lasted 6 months - also came from completely broken family

3rd - lasted 4 months - came from another country and his dad passed away (so family broken again)

4th - lasted 4 years - his mother and father despised him; father left him but so did his mother; never viewed his family as family; was immature - adult child - surrounded by adults who treat him as a spoiled brat and people same age who also come from sort of broken families

5th - lasted a month (I ran for the hills) - his mother left him with his dad; hates his mom; hates his dad because he re-married; he's also a typical JERK...

6th - most intense one and the last one - DON'T HAVE A CLUE as to wth happened... his parents are still together... they look very happy together... he was in a 7yr relationship before me; I really don't know - cold feet? Maybe.

 

You can notice the pattern. Sad but true. I have issues - I'm very well aware of them. I also think this guy is aware of my issues because one time he said "I think you have abandonment issues" (we were talking about his issues and then my issues came into play as well). It's just this relationship compared with the rest was amazing. Everything was running smoothly and we got along very well right off the bat. When he dropped a bomb on me, I couldn't believe what I was hearing. I felt like something was wrong because I could see worry on his face the last time we saw each other before he dropped the bomb, but I couldn't pinpoint as to what it was (until he said it). He, of course, blamed it on his past - said he didn't get over his ex and that he needs to do that (he got out of that relationship like 10 months ago and he purposely walked out).

 

I have been thinking about something. If that is the case, why would a man be so hung up on his ex if HE CHOSE to walk away? This is my hypothesis (it's not a fact because I don't know it): they were going to marry... he was getting pushed from all sides to propose to her; he didn't do that but walked away. He said that he feels GUILTY - why in the world would he feel guilty if they broke up because of fights and whatever else happened?! He NOW says she wasn't right for him RIGHT OFF THE BAT (if that is really the case, then why did he stay with her for 7 yrs?????????????????). I have a feeling something else is going on here.

 

BTW: The first bomb was that he might not be over his ex. I thought he wanted to break up with me but he didn't want to at all. I hurried to the conclusion. After a month of trying to figure out what is going on, he broke up with me (well it was sort of mutual) saying that it is his gut and has been all of the time telling him that this is not right. But then he said he needs to get over his ex and his PAST. So.............. he's blaming everything on his ex and the past?!

 

I'm starting to think he's a passive CP.

[Serena2009]

I used to think the same as what you're saying and that one can't generalize, but now I think that Trialbyfire's comments above are correct. If I understand He's Scared She's Scared correctly, the authors seem to be saying that if you're with an active-CP, then yes you ARE a passive-CP at some level. Unfortunately, the passive-CP ignores the red-flags but later if they look back they can recall odd comments the active-CP made that point directly to their CP tendencies.

 

We often hear that you can't change your partner, you can only change yourself. But you can't even change yourself until you first admit you have a problem. In this case, a person involved with an active-CP has to admit they are a passive-CP.

 

Also, I don't think the initial behavior of an active-CP is healthy. In fact it's overboard often times. They come on too strong, but this appeals directly to the passive-CP's abandonment insecurities. So naturally to a passive-CP, it just feels so "perfect" and it really is pefect for someone with an abandonment insecurity but it is not perfect for someone who does not have an abandonment insecurity.

 

Trial by Fire states: "If someone shows a pattern of being attracted to CPs, then yes, there are internal issues to resolve.

 

If it's a one-shot scenario, then run like the wind and never look back!"

 

Westrock -- The authors of "He's Scared; She's Scared" do not state that if one is involved with an active-CP (runner) that they are definatively passive-CP. Rather, they suggest considering it if one has a pattern of involvement with "unavailable partners." While it's true that passive-CPs have a tendency to gravitate toward active-CPs, not ALL individuals involved with active-CPs are passive CPs. It has to do with a pattern of involvement.

 

Also, I don't think you can generalize that the initial behavior of a CP is seemingly unhealthy. In fact, for many it seems like the start of a normal healthy relationship with developing strong mutual attraction. It grows and evolves in ways similar to other romantic relationships and then WHAM -- at some point genuine panic sets in for the active-CP and they bail.

 

Your theory that people get involved with active-CPs because they are passive-CPs attempting to resolve some "childhood wound" reminds me of the old theory that women get involved with abusive men for similar reasons and that theory doesn't hold a grain of salt anymore.

[Serena2009]

p213 in my edition - but from "Getting to Commitment", not from "He's Scared, She's Scared"...

 

I haven't read the HS-SS book yet - I think that that's more about describing the passive-CP issues, as a counterpart to active-CP... GtC is more about the active-CP and the things they need to work on...

 

Hi Seoa,

I haven't read "Getting to Commitment" yet. I will order it. I have read the first book "Men Who Can't Love" and the second book, "He's Scared; She's Scared." "Getting to Commitment" sounds very interesting!!

[seoa]

Westrock -- The authors of "He's Scared; She's Scared" do not state that if one is involved with an active-CP (runner) that they are definatively passive-CP. Rather, they suggest considering it if one has a pattern of involvement with "unavailable partners."

 

Hmmmm... yeah.... my copy of HS-SS arrived today, so I've skim-read it... It seems quite woolly & rambling - not as clear as GtC (probably because it's introducing the idea of the passive-CP as well as the active).

 

And while they do say (or imply) initially that not everyone involved in a CP relationship has passive-CP issues, their ending (how to get over it) definitely does assume you have CP issues of your own.

 

Which I don't.

 

I didn't collude with the commitment issues - which is probably why we only lasted 5 months...

 

Hi Seoa,

I haven't read "Getting to Commitment" yet. I will order it. I have read the first book "Men Who Can't Love" and the second book, "He's Scared; She's Scared." "Getting to Commitment" sounds very interesting!!

 

GtC is older than HS-SS, so it doesn't mention the passive-CP... but I think it's a lot clearer on the active-CP issues, and what to do about them... Makes it terribly tempting to highlight, and forward on, as you suggest...

[2sure]

He has committment issues? Huh? how? Who on earth would want him to committ to them? He is rude. He is a drama queen. Needy, selfish. I mean, this is attractive to who?

 

The only "game" he has is to play the "you cant have me"...come closer/pull away crap. Thats it.

[westrock]

Trial by Fire states: "If someone shows a pattern of being attracted to CPs, then yes, there are internal issues to resolve.

 

If it's a one-shot scenario, then run like the wind and never look back!"

 

Westrock -- The authors of "He's Scared; She's Scared" do not state that if one is involved with an active-CP (runner) that they are definatively passive-CP. Rather, they suggest considering it if one has a pattern of involvement with "unavailable partners." While it's true that passive-CPs have a tendency to gravitate toward active-CPs, not ALL individuals involved with active-CPs are passive CPs. It has to do with a pattern of involvement.

 

Okay I see your point. I have to pull out my copy of He's Scared She's Scared as it's been a while since I read it.

 

What you're saying is that I could meet someone tommorrow and I would have no clue if they are active-CP or not and that doesn't make me a passive-CP. Makes sense.

 

But, I also think that as soon as I recognise that I am involved with an active-CP and if I continue to ignore the red flags, if I don't then disengage within a reasonable time but instead I continue on in the relationship, then I think that's indicative of a possible passive-CP tendency, pattern or no pattern. I think looking for a pattern just makes it easier to identify.

 

Also, I don't think you can generalize that the initial behavior of a CP is seemingly unhealthy. In fact, for many it seems like the start of a normal healthy relationship with developing strong mutual attraction. It grows and evolves in ways similar to other romantic relationships and then WHAM -- at some point genuine panic sets in for the active-CP and they bail.

 

I respect your view on this, but I don't agree. It only seems like a normal healthy relationship from the filtered perspective of the passive-CP. We put on blinders and ignore the red flags. If looked at from an objective outsider perspective, the relationship may not be healthy at all.

 

 

Your theory that people get involved with active-CPs because they are passive-CPs attempting to resolve some "childhood wound" reminds me of the old theory that women get involved with abusive men for similar reasons and that theory doesn't hold a grain of salt anymore.

 

I don't know if a comparison to the woman/abusive man theory is valid.

 

It's not so much that the passive-CP is attempting to resolve a childhood wound, but more that the passive-CP is acting in certain ways that came about as a result of those childhood wounds. While those cetain ways may have worked as a child, they are dysfunctional in an adult relationship. From that perspective, if the adult resolves those childhood wounds and learn new ways to act, they would respond differently in their adult relationships.

 

I think specifically what is going on with a passive-CP is that as a result of certain childhood events, the child experienced anxiety and developed an abandonment fear, and in response the child adopted certain coping tendencies that are carried forward into their adulthood and manifest themselves dysfunctionally in their adult relationships. The technical term for these tendencies is attachment styles. Depending on our attachment style, we will be attracted to certain types of people who exhibit behavior that supports our own attachment style. Since our partner also has an attachment style, the attachment style of each partner affects the way they interact with one another.

 

Different authors seem to use different terms to describe the same issue, so it's sometimes difficult to figure it out, but there is an excellent introductory article at wikipedia that talks about how the attachment styles established during our childhood are carried forward into our adult romantic relationships and affect the dynamics of the relationship. The article is well written and explains it a lot better than I can. It is well worth a read. Here is the link:

 

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Attachment_in_adults

[Hkizzle]

I wouldn't necessarily say that I find other men boring. I don't. They just don't seem my type - physically, mentally. It's like meeting someone who is awesome but not having any chemistry with them.

 

This is exactly what I mean. Women with passive CP can't seem to find chemistry with men that have healthy attitudes towards relationships. Your list of previous ex BFs also show that.

 

That's why I said the book is flawed. What a woman will want to find out is how to develope feelings for a man that does have healthy views towards relatioships.

 

In the dating section there was a guy that said his GF has been used to dating abusive men and she's not used to him because he's a nice guy.

[Serena2009]

Different authors seem to use different terms to describe the same issue, so it's sometimes difficult to figure it out, but there is an excellent introductory article at wikipedia that talks about how the attachment styles established during our childhood are carried forward into our adult romantic relationships and affect the dynamics of the relationship.

 

Westrock -- What you're referring to are adult attachment orientations that are part of adult attachment theory. I've read journal articles about attachment orientations in adult romantic relationships. What I can't find is a good fit for active-CPs (which, by the way is not defined as such in the journals). Active-CPs as defined by Carter seem to have characteristics of both anxious and avoidant attachment orientations. The behavior is defined as more consistent within these two orientations. An avoidant would never get close and maintain a distant relationship from the get-go. This isn't the case with an active-CP where they get very close and their anxiety sets them in motion of flght and total avoidance. Anyway . . .

[westrock]

Westrock -- What you're referring to are adult attachment orientations that are part of adult attachment theory. I've read journal articles about attachment orientations in adult romantic relationships. What I can't find is a good fit for active-CPs (which, by the way is not defined as such in the journals). Active-CPs as defined by Carter seem to have characteristics of both anxious and avoidant attachment orientations. The behavior is defined as more consistent within these two orientations. An avoidant would never get close and maintain a distant relationship from the get-go. This isn't the case with an active-CP where they get very close and their anxiety sets them in motion of flght and total avoidance. Anyway . . .

 

Serena -- I agree with what you are saying. It can be very frustrating and confusing - there's a lot of material out there that discusses bits and pieces, and there's a lot of crossover, and use of various terms and labels, but like you I have found that there is some but not much material that specifically deals with behavior of someone (the active-CP) who seems to have characteristics of both anxious and avoidant attachment orientations.

 

There is only one book that I have found so far that specifically is about an active-CP person who exhibits both orientations. It's called "Make Up, Don't Break Up: Finding and Keeping Love for Singles and Couples" by Bonnie Weil. They have it at amazon and the reviews are positive. I ended up buying her book and of all the material out there on this I found her book to be the most insightful and practical book on this subject. I found that He's Scared She's Scared gives a good oversight on the subject but it left me wondering, okay, now what? I found in Make Up, Don't Break Up she goes to the next step and gives some very good practical tips on how to deal with the situation. Just like everyone else, she uses her own labels -- instead of active-CP and passive-CP, she uses the labels Distancer and Pursuer, but she's clearly describing active-CP and passive-CP. She goes into quite a bit of detail explaining the issue, how it formed in our childhood, how it presents itself in adult relationships, and what the passive-CP (Pursuer) is supposed to do about it. This is the only book I've read where the author specifically discusses a person (the Distancer) who oscillates back and forth between anxious and avoidant attachment orientations and how this creates a push-pull dynamic in a relationship. She gives some good advice and examples on how to stop the push-pull dynamic. She gives a lot of examples from her family therapy practice, and also shares her own experience in her own family growing up and with her own romantic relationships with CP's and also her CP b/f (now husband).

 

I think the best thing one can do who is dealing with an active-CP is to just read as much as possible on the subject and try to fit the bits and pieces into their own situation, post here on LS sharing our experiences, and read the stories of others.

[leap83]

This is exactly what I mean. Women with passive CP can't seem to find chemistry with men that have healthy attitudes towards relationships. Your list of previous ex BFs also show that.

 

That's why I said the book is flawed. What a woman will want to find out is how to develope feelings for a man that does have healthy views towards relatioships.

 

In the dating section there was a guy that said his GF has been used to dating abusive men and she's not used to him because he's a nice guy.

 

Do you know how to do this? Give me some guidance. I really want to resolve this now... The other week, I was buying something and this guy started to hit on me. I didn't even notice, until I was way out of the store and my friend had to tell me that he was interested (that's why he asked me all of the personal questions). That tells you how clueless I am. I bet you he's one of those nice guys - I don't notice them. It's like a blindfold.

 

I need to get out more. My patterns are really bugging me and messing with my head.

[leap83]

He has committment issues? Huh? how? Who on earth would want him to committ to them? He is rude. He is a drama queen. Needy, selfish. I mean, this is attractive to who?

 

The only "game" he has is to play the "you cant have me"...come closer/pull away crap. Thats it.

 

Ummm... I will disagree with this. He is selfish - you're right about that. He's definitively NOT needy - I am needy. Rude? No. Not really - he was VERY polite throughout this whole ordeal.

 

"you can't have me game" - no. He gave me his heart. When he did, he got cold feet. He NEVER went pull/push until about a month ago. It was all in.

 

I have dated A LOT of jerks (you can check out my history above). He's NOT one of those. He doesn't fall into the category of jerks. He falls into the category of "confused/miserable men". My ex bf (one of 4yrs) was a JERK. He was a typical jerk (especially in the last year and a bit of the relationship - that's where his true colours came out shining).

 

This guy though... is messed up. He messed up HIS OWN life by doing this. My life is on the roll - I have everything I need and am happy as ever right now: except for the bf part. I don't have a bf. I'm single. That's what's making me unhappy - the fact that I am not able to find a HEALTHY relationship (the purpose of this thread).