NewYorkGuy11 Posted September 9, 2009 Posted September 9, 2009 Hey guys, first time poster. I have a question to ask you guys. I'm a 26 year old single guy and I recently have been trying to meet women through online dating. I am 26, handsome, thin, and a nice guy. I am an attorney and I have a lot of good friends. I also dress well and practice good hygiene. When I first meet a woman, I'm very conscious about those sort of things, making a good impression, dressing nicely, and treating her with respect. I treat her to drinks and try to have an even two way conversation with her doing more of the talking. My only "drawback"? I am hearing impaired. I have loss of hearing in both years from when I was born. Aside from wearing a hearing aid, there is nothing "different" about me. I do not know sign language. I speak clearly and interact with people just like anyone else. I use a telephone and carry a cell phone with me (although I sometimes have difficulty using the phone, but I text a lot). I attended public school, graduated college, and law school. None of my friends are hearing impaired and heck, we make jokes about my hearing aids every now and then. I can poke fun at myself like that and my friends love me for it. Yet, I feel my hearing aid is causing me to have more difficulty in meeting women. Sometimes women (and people in general) can be ignorant and not realize that I'm just like anyone else and my main "flaw" is that my hearing is not 100% perfect. I don't address my hearing loss in my online profile and in my pictures, as you really can't see my hearing aid in my pictures. Yet, I'm apprehensive when I meet a woman in person for the first time as to how she will react. I've had dates where a woman was obviously uncomfortable and it ended after just half an hour. After all, how could I be interested in dating someone who is not open minded like that? The kicker is that one of the girls who reacted negatively was in school to become a speech pathologist. Surely her clients will be hearing impaired children who need help in learning how to speak! There's 2 schools of thoughts: 1. Don't say anything. I meet the woman online, ask her to a date, she sees my hearing aid and that's that. Quickly, she'll realize that there is nothing wrong with my speech, that I can hear almost perfectly with the hearing aid, that I can carry a conversation, and I can be pretty funny once I get past my initial nervousness of a first date. If it bothers her, then that's her problem and not mine. But still, it's discouraging when something like that happens and it makes me feel like crap (even though it's her that's in the wrong and not me). 2. After talking with the woman online and asking her out, confiding in her that I have a hearing loss so she is not "surprised" by my hearing aid. I did this once and after that, the woman became very fluky about meeting up. She asked to change the day of our date and then pushed it back again and then stopped responding to me. The only problem I have with letting the woman know before hand is that she might think that I am one of those hearing impaired people who can converse only by sign language or my speech is guttural-like. That maybe because of my hearing loss, I'm not intelligent or I can't carry a conversation. I'm not a fan of this approach. I feel that if I bring up my hearing loss, I bring attention to it, and she might think it's a big deal when it's really not. After all, it must have been a big deal if I had to bring it up. Unfortunately, people don't always look at a hearing aid and dismiss it as "not a big deal." I like to think that we live in a more understanding world than 10 or 20 years ago. There has to be women out there whom I'm a match for that won't care what's in my ears. In fact, my current hearing aid is old and I've been looking for new ones, which should be much smaller/less visible, so at least I have that going for me. But it'll be a while before I get a new (and smaller) hearing aid. Advice on this matter would be greatly appreciated. I have been talking to a girl through an online dating site. With some luck, I'll have a date with her shortly and then my apprehension about meeting her and my hearing loss comes up again. What should I do? I almost want to talk to her more and then tell her so I don't anxiety meeting her.
lupa Posted September 9, 2009 Posted September 9, 2009 Just come out and tell them, be a little self-deprecating, but only for a minute about it, and then let it go. On the phone, when setting up the date..."hey, don't wanna freak you out, but I have hearing aids. Been like this since I was little, and it never held me back." Then move on. It will be difficult at first, but if people can't deal with it, then do you really want to be with them anyway?
Isolde Posted September 9, 2009 Posted September 9, 2009 OP, I know someone with this EXACT problem, where dating is also complicated by this, despite being 99% normal in every way. I'm curious, have you ever had a GF? My general advice for anyone with a disability is that it's going to be harder to date, but not necessarily harder to sustain a relationship with a compatible person. It can even be a good way to weed out flaky people.
carhill Posted September 9, 2009 Posted September 9, 2009 When you consider men passing up a woman because of breast size, such distinctions, whether a disability or not, are made. Dating is the last bastion of non-politically correct and selfish behaviors/perspectives. OP, try this. Make it a non-issue. If you have difficulty hearing a date or they notice your assistive device, merely say "I'm hard of hearing. If you have any questions I'll be happy to answer" and carry on without a further comment. If a woman did this with me, I'd see her as confident and self-assured. Attractive Try it the next time. And, my god, stop being nervous. You have a friggin JD. You're smart and successful. Women eat that up. Ef the ones who might judge you. They're dog meat. Get them out of your way.
Author NewYorkGuy11 Posted September 9, 2009 Author Posted September 9, 2009 I can't help but be nervous. You guys are right, it's a great way to weed out the flaky people, but of course, it's still nervewracking. You go through with the whole process of getting to the date only to have it be unsuccessful b/c she can't deal with that. At least if I tell her beforehand, I don't waste time traveling to see her and all that.
eiithan Posted September 9, 2009 Posted September 9, 2009 I'd ask you out but you're on the other coast :-) I personally think it's amazing to see people who overcome their difficulties and be successful with their lives. I have seen only one case besides you, and the guy in question was exceptionally bright too. One of my friends was born with his body paralysed, but he managed to graduate from a top university in the nation nonetheless and has the sweetest heart. Pretending that I were your online date, I think I'd prefer to be told straightforward from the beginning (within 1st to 3rd dates). I have no prior experience dating someone with hearing loss, I do not know whether it were a deal breaker or not, and I'd like to have some time to think about it before becoming more involved in case there is a mutual attraction. However, it would be nice to be told how you would like to be treated. Sometimes kind intentions could go wrong too. I have a personal question though. Do you have difficulties communicating with foreigners speaking English? (my assumption is you read people's lips.)
Author NewYorkGuy11 Posted September 9, 2009 Author Posted September 9, 2009 It's not a lack of confidence thing. Generally in my life, I don't care about it. I forget I have a hearing aid in my ear. I don't have difficulty talking to people. I've walked into a date before without any thought to it. But I had a bad date based on that and it's made me worry ever since. I just wish more people weren't shallow like that.
carhill Posted September 9, 2009 Posted September 9, 2009 Forget the dating. Get me a timeframe and a bald-headed bespectacled middle-aged guy will let you take him out on the town and we'll meet some ladies. Time for another road trip to NYC. As a matter of fact, I'm visiting friends in Westport in a couple of weeks. Let me know. They're right by a MTA station so I can take the train in. Be forewarned. I'm blind without my glasses so I have to wear an assistive device I'll bet you'll attract me a lot of nice young ladies
Trialbyfire Posted September 9, 2009 Posted September 9, 2009 My oldest sib is hearing impaired. His first focus was to get his life and career into order, so he did that. When he established himself, he found a woman who was beautiful inside and out, to settle down with. The two got married and are like two teenagers in love, even though they've been married for a number of years. In other words, the right person will appreciate what you have to offer. For that matter, we each have attributes that can be viewed in positive, negative or neutral lights.
Isolde Posted September 9, 2009 Posted September 9, 2009 For that matter, we each have attributes that can be viewed in positive, negative or neutral lights. Exactly!
pandagirl Posted September 9, 2009 Posted September 9, 2009 Although I've never dated anyone with a hearing disability, I really can't see it making it a "Deal Breaker" for me. I'm not trying to diminish or make light of your problem, but if a hearing aid is your only "issue" then it is very, very, VERY minor.
Lovely10 Posted September 9, 2009 Posted September 9, 2009 In all honesty I simply don't see how being hearing impaired could be an issue at all. Even in my most shallow periods during my lifetime... that would have never even phased me. You sound like an absolutely wonderful guy and truth be told... you are in the minority. Nice guys are diamonds. You remember to be picky. Anyone who would hesitate meeting you because you wear a hearing aid is not worth the time of day. Trust me. There are quality women out there who have it all. You sound like a very nice man... stay that way. You'll make a wonderful husband and father someday.
Author NewYorkGuy11 Posted September 9, 2009 Author Posted September 9, 2009 Thanks for the kind words. I really appreciate it. It's definitely harder for me to meet people b/c I am on the shy side and I feel I can establish myself better online. But of course, when the issue about my hearing aid comes up, that's when I tend to feel a little anxiety. Of course any girl who doesn't want to go out of me b/c of that is not worth my time, it's still discouraging to have that happen. As for foreigners, I sometimes I have trouble understanding them. The accent and all that. I guess just like anyone else. I've spoken to a couple of friends on this matter. They all told me "go with your gut." There may be scenarios where I may reveal that factoid about me and there may be other scenarios when it's not necessary. Personally, I'd like to tell them beforehand so I know what kind of person they are. If they are still interested, it proves they're not shallow and I can meet them without having that anxiety over my head. This girl I'm talking to seems so cool. The conversations with her are fun and enjoyable. I do hope it works out with this one and that she doesn't care about what I have in my ears.
norajane Posted September 9, 2009 Posted September 9, 2009 I'd forget online dating, and get involved in something that interests you outside of work. Or even in going out with your co-workers for dinner, drinks, to parties. Meeting women in real life will be much easier as you won't have to explain anything - they'll just get to know you and and you can both decide whether there is chemistry or not based on your personalities. If they meet you, get to know you and like you, the hearing loss won't make any difference. With online dating, anything can be used to weed people out and no matter how much you might click in emails or whatever, you're not invested until you are around each other. So it's easy to say, Next!, if you hear something you are unfamiliar with. You're in NY. Do you know how many women in NY would love to meet an intelligent, attractive attorney? Tons. Get out from behind your computer and meet them and let them get to know you as you are without having to explain a damned thing to someone who doesn't even know you.
Lovely10 Posted September 9, 2009 Posted September 9, 2009 Everyone has something about themselves that they feel uncomfortable with. For me, it's my stretch marks. I can hide them under my clothing, but I know they're there and they mess with my head. I won't even let my husband see them. Messed up, huh? We focus on our own perceived flaws and we turn them into handicaps... but the truth is we've made them into handicaps. I remember finally mustering up the courage to actually purchase and wear a bathing suit. I was mortified thinking that I looked like a monster. All of these flaws. Then I am stopped by a woman much younger than myself telling me that I am a goddess. Reality check. I understand that you see your hearing impairment as a flaw... so much so that you believe you need to disclose it prior to meeting someone for fear of rejection in person. But from where I sit I don't see how it could ever be an obstacle. After all, in all practical aspects of life it hasn't been... has it? Just with women. Some of the most unattractive men (physically) can be attractive. Take Jack Nicholson for example. Not a good looking man when you get right down to it. But he's got a way with the ladies. Why is that do you suppose? Because he is attractive. Not perfect. Not actually even handsome in the slightest. Attractive. What we perceive about ourselves can get so exaggerated that we loose perspective and wind up creating insecurities that are totally unjustified. Sometimes I think that we as people can say things to ourselves that our worst enemy never would. If you want to weed out the superficial ones, why not just add it to your profile? It's addressed up front and done in a way that conveys you are comfortable with it.
SoulSearch_CO Posted September 9, 2009 Posted September 9, 2009 It's not a lack of confidence thing. Generally in my life, I don't care about it. I forget I have a hearing aid in my ear. I don't have difficulty talking to people. I've walked into a date before without any thought to it. But I had a bad date based on that and it's made me worry ever since. I just wish more people weren't shallow like that. Then she clearly wasn't the one. "The one" will accept you, flaws and all. Since you have accepted the situation and are confident in who you are in spite of it, non-acceptance of it by somebody else says a lot about THEM. I would then consider that a MAJOR flaw on their part and then we're incompatible. Better to find out now rather than later. Just go on the date. As Carhill, said, make it a non-issue, and it will be. Loved this: If you have difficulty hearing a date or they notice your assistive device, merely say "I'm hard of hearing. If you have any questions I'll be happy to answer" and carry on without a further comment. Even if I was a little hesitant at first (which I wouldn't be) about that particular issue, your acceptance and confidence in yourself would be a huge turn-on to me.
WhyYesThankYou Posted September 9, 2009 Posted September 9, 2009 Hi there... (big, friendly, visible smile) I have a lot of contact with Deaf (signing) and hearing-impaired (non-signing) people, which I don't really want to explain because I'm trying to stay as anonymous as possible here on LS! I see most of the general points I'd make have already been covered by other posters - i.e. the right girl won't care, etc etc. To that I would add: I understand your nervousness, and unfortunately a lot of people do have fears about "disability" or hearing loss. I see this - the fear and the discrimination - on a daily basis. So unfortunately, yes, it's there. But it's not universal. I think the biggest concern for most people (possibly especially females) when potentially dating a hearing-impaired person is about communication. Communication is so important for a relationship, and people so often feel misunderstood. If people feel like they can't even be physically heard, they might not have any hope that their meaning will really be understood - do you get what I mean? So my suggestion would be to NOT mention your hearing loss, either in your online ad or before meeting with someone. Plan to meet someplace relatively quiet, to minimize the need for you to ask for repetition. Make sure you position the seating so you can see/hear her optimally. Do all this without mentioning anything about your hearing. THEN at some point, mention (for example) that you picked this place because it doesn't have a lot of background noise, and you wanted to make sure you could hear everything she had to say - because ohbytheway you have a hearing loss. If you can put the focus on wanting to be able to hear her, and communicate effectively with her, then I think you'll be MILES ahead of the guys with perfect [audiological] hearing. Hearing and listening are different things. Some of my Deaf friends are the best "listeners" I know, perhaps because communication means that much more to them. Also, and this applies to all LS readers, people's hearing tends to decline over the years. I see a lot of older couples whose communication (and therefore their relationships) have suffered because one or both of them has lost their hearing. How lucky you'll be, when you find the right girl, to know you've found someone who's committed to good communication with you from the start. What an excellent foundation for a friendship/relationship. I hope this doesn't sound too much like platitudes or unsolicited advice. But you asked a question, so... those are my thoughts and suggestions. You're right that many people have preconceptions about hearing loss. Just remember there are plenty of girls out there whose #1 complaint is that their partner doesn't listen to them. Market yourself as a listener, and I'm sure the right girl will find a way to be heard.
Author NewYorkGuy11 Posted September 10, 2009 Author Posted September 10, 2009 Thanks "WhyYes," that's a really great post. I never thought about it that way, that the girl might think if a guy can't hear well, how can he "listen"?
WhyYesThankYou Posted September 10, 2009 Posted September 10, 2009 Thanks "WhyYes," that's a really great post. I never thought about it that way, that the girl might think if a guy can't hear well, how can he "listen"? Cool - I just hope I didn't cause you to worry about something you hadn't worried about before. (Was trying to allay concerns and solve perceived problems, not do the opposite!!!) I meant it as something you can spin/use positively. From my reading of your posts, you seem like a nice, intelligent, considerate guy who wants to make things work with the right girl. And I'm confident that you can. Another thing you might consider, at least in the interim, is looking for girls with hearing impairments to date? They'll be facing some of the same issues you are. I think there are some dating websites for d/Deaf and hearing impaired people in the US. Just an idea.
Curious-One Posted September 10, 2009 Posted September 10, 2009 I dont see it as being a big problem man... Think about it, if your hearing problem affects the girl that much that she doesnt want to give you a chance , do you really want to be with that girl in the first place? I say you let them know about it before the date but as someone suggested, dont talk to much about it. Just mention it and move on. If the girl decides not to give you a chance because of it because you just probably saved your self time since you found out right away that she is shallow.
Island Girl Posted September 10, 2009 Posted September 10, 2009 I'd be more attracted to a guy who was so not bothered by it that he didn't even think to mention it. ---- And I am really picky - notoriously so actually. I think you should embrace it as part of you -- and confidence is key. If you must: fake it til you make it. I would think, since you can joke about them, a comment like "don't worry I never use them as an excuse of not hearing my woman - I listen and I pay attention" with a wink or something would go a long way as well. Seriously - you live in NYC. There are women everywhere there who would LOVE to meet a successful attorney. You need to get out and meet people out and about not online. That will reduce the number of women you are interacting with that have a problem with it and end up making you feel terrible.
Isolde Posted September 10, 2009 Posted September 10, 2009 Another thing you might consider, at least in the interim, is looking for girls with hearing impairments to date? They'll be facing some of the same issues you are. I think there are some dating websites for d/Deaf and hearing impaired people in the US. Just an idea. Not a bad suggestion, but the reality is that the number of young people with this issue who are also well educated is pretty small. I also don't think the OP would have much in common with fully deaf people, who sign, whether they're educated or not.
Author NewYorkGuy11 Posted September 11, 2009 Author Posted September 11, 2009 I prefer not to seek hearing impaired women. If I happen to meet one by chance, that's fine. I prefer to go after the general population, with whatever issues that may come across. I don't want to limit myself to a small portion of the population, especially when I really don't take part in the "hearing impaired world." I know I live in NYC, but that doesn't mean it's easy to meet people. I go out with my friends and it's hard to meet people in bars, especially when it's dark, loud, and noisy. I'm just using online dating IN ADDITION to trying to meet people out and about. By no means am I only exclusive to online dating. I'm still mixed. I see both viewpoints and I'm still not sure how to approach it. A friend of mine advised me that there is no right answer. Both viewpoints are correct and it's up to me to use my gut on which approach to take. I tend to agree with that.
Jersey Shortie Posted September 11, 2009 Posted September 11, 2009 NewYorkGuy, if it helps, as a few other ladies have mentioned, it wouldn't bother me a bit either. And while it might bother some women, there seem to be quite a few women here that wouldn't care. To be honest, maybe I am a little navie, but I can't believe people would even really consider it an issue. I think your friends advice on treating each situation individually is good. I agree that there really is no right answer. I don't think people reveal everything about themselves online anyway. Neither should they. She isn't going to tell you about the credit card debit she has right off the bat either. I will say that the more comfortble you are with yourself, the more comfortable other people will be with you. Heck, I might be interested in dating you because you sound like like a really great catch.
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