Patiently (or not so patiently) waiting...

[SophieA]

I've been w/ bf for 6 years now. (well, in a few months it'll be 6 years) We're currently LD (we will be LD for another 14 months until he's done w/ basic sciences)- we went LD 6 months ago due to his med school acceptance...things are still going really really well between us! (We were together in same location for 5+ years before he left) We're lucky that we don't have to go longer than 8 weeks between visits. We skype, text, phone all the time and I feel like the distance has made us stronger than ever. He says the same.

 

I'm 24 and he's 27 and I just don't understand what he is waiting for!! We've talked about marriage tons of times, he calls me wifey, we've got tons of future plans, etc. I've explained that I don't need a pricy ring (he's a med student! Broke! lol), that's not what matters to me.

 

I've also explained to him that I won't move down to where he is without being engaged. I won't uproot from my friends, job, family here w/out a commitment.

 

So...I thought that if you really wanted to marry someone nothing would hold you back...so what's he waiting for? I've even playfully asked him what the heck he's waiting for and he said "Nothing really."

 

I almost think it's unfair he expects me to wait around for him without a commitment. Sometimes I'm fine with it...sometimes I get hurt thinking that maybe he will never commit? Thoughts?

[Lauriebell82]

I don't know what he is waiting for either. What does he say when you tell him you won't move there without being engaged? (which I think is smart!) I suggest you find out his feelings about your stance on the issue.

[SophieA]

Hi LaurieBell Yeah, I don't want to move 2500 miles away without knowing he's in it for the long haul When I explained that to him he said "I completely understand, I wouldn't expect you to do that." (I'm also in school until May myself, so I couldn't move even if I wanted to)

 

I try not to push the issue because I did once about a year ago and it resulted in a pretty decent fight. Basically him saying that he loves me and it will happen so if I better drop it.

 

It just makes me nervous because how long do I wait? I guess I shouldn't even ask that b/c I know I'm not going anywhere anyway...everything is just too perfect with him. (Minus the no commitment thing of course )

[Lauriebell82]

Hi LaurieBell Yeah, I don't want to move 2500 miles away without knowing he's in it for the long haul When I explained that to him he said "I completely understand, I wouldn't expect you to do that." (I'm also in school until May myself, so I couldn't move even if I wanted to)

 

I try not to push the issue because I did once about a year ago and it resulted in a pretty decent fight. Basically him saying that he loves me and it will happen so if I better drop it.

 

It just makes me nervous because how long do I wait? I guess I shouldn't even ask that b/c I know I'm not going anywhere anyway...everything is just too perfect with him. (Minus the no commitment thing of course )

 

I completely understand where you are coming from. I felt like I waited FOREVER for my boyfriend to propose, as he kept telling me "you aren't wasting your time, it will happen, blah blah ect." I think that the proof is in the pudding though, a guy can talk about proposing all he wants but until he gets down on one knee you don't really know whether he is serious.

 

Just an idea but he may realize that you are going nuts and he feels some pressure because of your expectations. If he is a "surprise proposal" type of guy he may feel that he can't do it because you are so anxious. I had a massive amount of anxiety until my boyfriend proposed and we had only been together 2 years and 9 months. I can't imagine how I would feel after 6 years!

 

At this point your choices are:

 

A) Drop it and ease up on the pressure. He may feel better and get off his butt.

 

B) Make your feelings clear and give him a timeline or ultimatum (I don't advise this though, would you want to force a guy to marry you?)

 

C) Forget about a proposal/engagement and enjoy the relationship as it is right now.

 

A and C are probably the best choices if you can manage to do that.

[JustLooking123]

Also, you guys are still pretty young (especiall you ). Many men propose when and only when they and their life are ready. Maybe he wants to finish school, get a bit more financial established, etc. before getting married? I agree that backing off would probably be wise, but if it comes up again, it might help to explore what he is waiting for.

[amandag]

Sophie, I have a similar story exept my boyfriend of almost 6 years is doing his masters degree and I have been working for the last three and a half years that we have lived togther. We have a great relationship. We are very much in love and we get along really well.

 

The one thing that has made things a bit rough these days is my impatience about moving on with our lives together and moving to the next step...getting engaged. We have both talked about getting married and gaving kids and we are both on board for both of those things. Its just that its not the right time for him to propose to me. He wants to wait until he is working a real job (he makes barely anything right now) and can afford to get me a nice ring and pay for a wedding (he knows I would be fine with a small simple ring and wedding but he insists on getting a nice ring and having a nice wedding). I understand his rationnale and I am trying to be patient but its really hard! I am 27 years old and in the past year I have really been going through some hormonal changes. Im that pst year I have really been feeling an overwhelming urge to have kids. So needless to say I want to be married before we have kids so this has been adding onto my impatience.

 

I am so mad at myself all the time becuase I am not sure why I can't just relax, live life and take things as they come and enjoy the great relationship that we have. I am bitter a lot about the fact that I have to wait for him to finish school before we get engaged. And it also doesn't help that all of our friends are starting to get engaged. I know that I should just be genuinly happy for them but inside I am always hurt that they are getting what I have wanted for so long. And I am also worried that my bf will finally decide that he has had enough of my comments about us not getting engaged that he will end our relationship. I know it stresses him out a lot that I want things that he cannot give me right now. And he gets mad that I am taking out all of the romance and suprise out of the engagement because I put so much pressure on it. I am really trying to just enjoy our relationship and be patient...we may be engaged in as soon as a year - once he is finished school.

 

I know what I need to do - stop stressing out and being in a hurry to get married and just relax and enjoy our relationship. I am just having a hard time and hence this post so I can vent about my feelings.

 

To whoever reads this post - thanks for listening!

[shunter]

I hate to break it to you, but he does NOT want to get married !!

 

It may have nothing to do with you personally, but he does NOT WANT to get married.

 

Maybe he thinks he can do better, maybe he feels the timing is not right. He met you when he was very young, too, and he is not even near the prime of his younger years ... so he is torn between being with you settled down or having his options open.

 

There is nothing wrong with all of this. You have two choices, really.

 

Move on if you must get married soon (because I can assure you, i promise you, you will not be married in 2009, 2010, and possibly not in 2011 either). Or stick with this guy and enjoy the LD relationship.

 

I think there is a good risk this relationship will die on its own accord anyways. 14 months is a long time. Sorry I might be wrong, but these are my opinions and I think I am right.

[SophieA]

Enjoy the LD relationship? Are you serious?! HAHA! That is not possible. No one wants to be in an LD relationship.

 

You're right about moving on and I have a date in my head (less than 1 year away) and if he hasn't asked by then I'm outta here. (No, I haven't told him the date- no ultimatums...just a date that if he hasn't asked me by then I'm done waiting)

 

I just don't get why he'd struggle to keep a LD if he was looking for something better. He's on an island for crying out loud- w/ scantily clad fellow med students (and islanders) if he wanted them why wouldn't he end it with me?

[Rollercoasterr]

Some mean are like that, sweetie. It doesn't mean he doesn't love you it just means that he's not ready to settle down yet. I thought I was going to pull my hair out waiting for Mathew to propose, but he finally did it. Granted he and I haven't been together as long as you and yours have(unless you count the time in between our breakup, LOL), so I completely understand your frustration.

 

Give him subtle hints, but don't tell him about the date. Just let him know that you're not satisfied being his girlfriend forever. Hopefully he'll come around, but if he doesn't by the end of your date, then move on like you're planning to.

[Star Gazer]

I once read somewhere that men are typically "start thinking marriage" about 3-4 years after they finish their final degree, and usually end up marrying the girl they're with when they become ready. Many men have a sort of "place in their life" requirement before thinking about marriage. It has to be the right time for them, and often they subconsciously (or consciously) equate that to being settled in their career, not still in school.

 

IME, this has held true. My male friends who only went to college, got really serious about 3 years out of college, and married within the next two (so, usually by 28).

 

My friends who are lawyers, doctors, and dentists, or have other post-bach degrees (which take longer than just college), have tended to get married in their early 30's.

 

With that said, I wouldn't expect him to pop the question while he's in law school.

 

Perhaps you two should have a more frank discussion about where your relationship is headed. Maybe he can give you the assurances you're looking for, without the formality of an engagement.

[Joie de Vivre]

I've been w/ bf for 6 years now. (well, in a few months it'll be 6 years) We're currently LD (we will be LD for another 14 months until he's done w/ basic sciences)- we went LD 6 months ago due to his med school acceptance...things are still going really really well between us! (We were together in same location for 5+ years before he left) We're lucky that we don't have to go longer than 8 weeks between visits. We skype, text, phone all the time and I feel like the distance has made us stronger than ever. He says the same.

 

I'm 24 and he's 27 and I just don't understand what he is waiting for!! We've talked about marriage tons of times, he calls me wifey, we've got tons of future plans, etc. I've explained that I don't need a pricy ring (he's a med student! Broke! lol), that's not what matters to me.

 

I've also explained to him that I won't move down to where he is without being engaged. I won't uproot from my friends, job, family here w/out a commitment.

 

So...I thought that if you really wanted to marry someone nothing would hold you back...so what's he waiting for? I've even playfully asked him what the heck he's waiting for and he said "Nothing really."

 

I almost think it's unfair he expects me to wait around for him without a commitment. Sometimes I'm fine with it...sometimes I get hurt thinking that maybe he will never commit? Thoughts?

I have also been in a similar situation as yourself, I have been with my bf (now fiance ) for 6 years, and LD for 1 year. The LD definitely made us closer, considering he was in another country!

 

I think he is hesitant to promise you anything too soon since he hasn't finished med school yet. He wants to make sure he can provide for you financially before he promises anything. It's not like he doesn't want to marry you, he needs to focus on school first so can give you a better future

 

so hang in there, and enjoy being his gf : ) !

[Enema]

A few thoughts.

 

1) Why don't YOU ask HIM?

 

2) Do you know if he even believes in marriage? - Many men feel it's an outdated concept fraught with a lot of personal risk. Maybe he wants no part of it and knows you can have a perfectly fulfilling lifelong relationship without it.

 

3) If he does want to get married, I expect it would definitely be after he's completed his degree and is secure. Most men value security over anything else.

 

4) Is this fantastic relationship (impression I get from you) worth throwing away over marriage? What does getting married do for you anyway? - Nothing.

[SophieA]

Enema, marriage may mean nothing to you- but it doesn't mean nothing to everyone, fyi.

 

Yes, I've spoken with him about it before and yes he wants to get married and have kids some day.

 

Yes our relationship is fantastic and no I'm not ready to walk away right now but I do want kids before I get too old and I'd like to married BEFORE having my kids.

 

I know I am not alone in this struggle- some days I'm fine and the next I begin to wonder if something's wrong with me- if a guy wants to marry you- why doesn't he just ask? Why are guys obsessed with the "security first" thing? It's for better or worse- richer or poorer.

 

Just thinking out loud..

[Joie de Vivre]

A few thoughts.

 

3) If he does want to get married, I expect it would definitely be after he's completed his degree and is secure. Most men value security over anything else.

 

 

I totally agree.

 

At least, in my case, my fiance waited until he was financially stable to ask me to marry him.

 

It's all about the right time in both persons lives, if he is not at a point where he wants to ask you to marry him right away then you should ask him, at what point? after med school? after he finishes his residency?

 

I asked my fiance that, he told me after he finishes X and has done Y, then we will get married... and we are!

 

So hang in there SophieA, at least he wants you in his future for sure, so that's something definately to be happy about

[Joie de Vivre]

if a guy wants to marry you- why doesn't he just ask? Why are guys obsessed with the "security first" thing? It's for better or worse- richer or poorer.

 

 

Cause if you are planning to have kids soon after being married, then it's better to be financially stable

 

We are both 24 years old - our eggs aren't expiring anytime soon. but I am sure he won't make you wait like 5 or 6 more years since he is already talking about it.

 

good luck girl ~ I hope our comments can help you a bit.

[abd]

I once read somewhere that men are typically "start thinking marriage" about 3-4 years after they finish their final degree, and usually end up marrying the girl they're with when they become ready. Many men have a sort of "place in their life" requirement before thinking about marriage. It has to be the right time for them, and often they subconsciously (or consciously) equate that to being settled in their career, not still in school.

 

IME, this has held true. My male friends who only went to college, got really serious about 3 years out of college, and married within the next two (so, usually by 28).

 

My friends who are lawyers, doctors, and dentists, or have other post-bach degrees (which take longer than just college), have tended to get married in their early 30's.

 

As a man, I found this interesting, and consonant with my own experience so far. One of my high school friends just got married this past weekend; he managed to compress college into about three years, and has been working full time for the past three years. He and his (now) wife just bought a house.

 

On the other hand, I have six years of higher education behind me, and another four or five to go (if I don't go insane first ). My SO will be disappointed if I don't propose within the next 8 months, and she does not want to wait until I am done with school to get married (or possibly even have children). I can't really blame her for not wanting to wait four or five years to get married, but I also cannot really see myself taking care of a child while I am still in school full time and only making $25k a year.

 

I do have a friend who got married while both he and his wife were still in college, but they both are now in doctoral programs at the same school, so that's a little different.

[torranceshipman]

I wouldn't throw away something so great because you're ready and he isn't. He's only 28! As far as I can see, that is very young and I think he might feel like you're pressuring him. Just let him take his time - maybe it'll take him a lot longer than you'd like but imagine this: you could have a really happy 2-3yrs more dating, then a long and happy life married, together, when he asks you to marry him because he is ready, or you get a fraught year or 2 of dating, then split because you're ready and he isn't? Seriously, which sounds better to you? Is this really worth throwing away a great R with a great guy for? Some people would give their right arm to find a solid R with an ambitious, intelligent, caring guy, which sounds like what you have.

 

I appreciate you feel ready but flip it around - as READY as you feel, imagine he feels the opposite, and it is just a natural feeling for him, and you need to appreciate that. You might feel it isn't fair of him not to ask, but he'd probably resent you right now for pressuring him, which is bad. Marriage is for life - that is a heck of a long time!!!!-and not something to rush into. Just be careful you don't mess up a good R with marriage fever, because you are still really young, and the guy is still in school!!!-and maybe now is not the time to expect it...patience might be a better quality here...

[Enema]

if a guy wants to marry you- why doesn't he just ask? Why are guys obsessed with the "security first" thing? It's for better or worse- richer or poorer.

 

Women are brainwashed into thinking they need to get married and have kids.

 

Men are similarly indoctrinated to believe they need to finish study, get a job, a wife, kids and house :- in that order.

 

The friction here is that he's in the study phase for longer than most men (28 and still going!) so your marriage/babies schedule is late and it causes you distress as it clashes with your sub-conscious training.

[jlcase]

I hear ya, sister. I've been with my boyfriend for going on 8 years now, and it still hasn't happened. We clearly want to be together, but perhaps I made the mistake of letting him have the milk without having to buy the cow. We just bought a house together a few months ago and I thought for sure I'd have a ring before that, or maybe the day we closed. Now it's getting to the point where I expect it at every turn, especially holidays, and when it doesn't happen, the disappointment really gets to me.

 

He knows I want it to happen, he says he plans on marrying me, and I've had full-out balling sessions where I really let it fly how upset I am. But still no dice.

 

The best you can do is keep trying to be patient, say what you feel before it totally overwhelms you, and try really hard to be happy for your engaged friends, even though it's not happening for you. It sucks, but the timing is different for everyone. Keep your head up, and remember, you're not the only one.

[LDR]

I am in my last year in medical school, 27 years old, and in a LDR too. Med school is really a stressful time, and people go through a lot of changes. I do not see myself getting married soon and I made it clear to my boyfriend. I love him a lot, but as enema said, I dont fell that marriage is something that I need to be happy. . . I am very happy in my relationship!

 

Your bf might also be thinking on proposing after he is accepted in a residency. It is a stressful process as you do not know where you will go for residency, if you will end up in your specialty of choice, among many things.

 

I think that if you pressure him, you might scare him away (it would to me)!

 

Plus you can have children safely until 35, and even longer now

 

Just try to enjoy your relationship, and live in the moment. . . you are very young still.

[SophieA]

I am in my last year in medical school, 27 years old, and in a LDR too. Med school is really a stressful time, and people go through a lot of changes. I do not see myself getting married soon and I made it clear to my boyfriend. I love him a lot, but as enema said, I dont fell that marriage is something that I need to be happy. . . I am very happy in my relationship!

 

Your bf might also be thinking on proposing after he is accepted in a residency. It is a stressful process as you do not know where you will go for residency, if you will end up in your specialty of choice, among many things.

 

I think that if you pressure him, you might scare him away (it would to me)!

 

Plus you can have children safely until 35, and even longer now

 

Just try to enjoy your relationship, and live in the moment. . . you are very young still.

 

While I appreciate your input- your situation is not the same as mine. You have told your boyfriend you don't want to get married.

 

My boyfriend has told me he DOES want to get married and have a family. (He has mentioned possibly waiting until last year or so of residency to have kids.) We have talked marriage. He has said he doesn't really know what he's waiting for. That makes it hard to be patient.

[SophieA]

I hear ya, sister. I've been with my boyfriend for going on 8 years now, and it still hasn't happened. We clearly want to be together, but perhaps I made the mistake of letting him have the milk without having to buy the cow. We just bought a house together a few months ago and I thought for sure I'd have a ring before that, or maybe the day we closed. Now it's getting to the point where I expect it at every turn, especially holidays, and when it doesn't happen, the disappointment really gets to me.

 

He knows I want it to happen, he says he plans on marrying me, and I've had full-out balling sessions where I really let it fly how upset I am. But still no dice.

 

The best you can do is keep trying to be patient, say what you feel before it totally overwhelms you, and try really hard to be happy for your engaged friends, even though it's not happening for you. It sucks, but the timing is different for everyone. Keep your head up, and remember, you're not the only one.

 

Thanks for your response. Just got another phone call last night from a friend who got engaged. She's been w/ her bf for only TEN MONTHS. *sigh* Someday it will be my turn.......

[Lauriebell82]

Thanks for your response. Just got another phone call last night from a friend who got engaged. She's been w/ her bf for only TEN MONTHS. *sigh* Someday it will be my turn.......

 

Aww, I'm sorry.

 

Just for your piece of mind though. Before I got engaged a bunch of my friends got engaged after less then a year with their boyfriends. They are both divorced now...(and are only 24)

 

IMO it's worth the wait if it's the right person. So you have to ask yourself: is this guy "the one?" Maybe you can find someone who will propose in less then a year..but what if he isn't the one? What if he is horrible and you end up divorced? Will it have been worth it?

[LDR]

Yes, our situations are different. . . I might want to get married, but not for a long while. I meant that your boyfriend might be waiting to propose until he is more established with his studies and career. Maybe when he is in the US or when he knows where he is going for residency. Med school is full of uncertainties and maybe he just wants to get some things in order regarding his professional future 1st before another big step which would be an engagement.

[Lauriebell82]

Yes, our situations are different. . . I might want to get married, but not for a long while. I meant that your boyfriend might be waiting to propose until he is more established with his studies and career. Maybe when he is in the US or when he knows where he is going for residency. Med school is full of uncertainties and maybe he just wants to get some things in order regarding his professional future 1st before another big step which would be an engagement.

 

Yeah, I think you may have something there.

 

I think Sophie is confused because he HASN'T told her that, only that he doesn't know what he is waiting for.

 

So Sophie, why not asking him if his hesistation is because of med school? Be understanding and tell him you realize that he may be hesistant because of the professional uncertainty. He may not want to ask you to marry him when he can't give you a definitive date/time when he can actually make that happen. I would hate being engaged with no wedding date in sight, maybe he thinks you may feel the same way about it.