layercakegal Posted September 8, 2009 Posted September 8, 2009 Hi all, I don't know if im in the right or wrong Me and my boyfriend have been together for over 2 years, and have had a lot of ups and downs along the way, and he is my first boyfriend. He cheated on me over a year ago, and although i am sort of past it, the aftermath i have found really hard, i.e learning to trust him again, coping with what happened, etc etc. I lived away at uni when we met, and so it was a long distance relationship for most of our time together. After he cheated on me he made the effort to come down every week to see me on his 2 days off, spending nearly 2 hours on a train, and £50 on the ticket, and took me out for dinner when he was there etc. Now i have moved back home, as i have finished uni, and its all very weird and im not very happy I feel so unwanted and unappreciated, like he really doesnt care about me, like the passion has gone, and like he wouldn't care if we broke up Im pretty sure hes the one i want to be with, i love him so much, and it would kill me if it ended, but he just never tells me how he feels about me or shows affection When i tell him this he says he does try to, that hes very shy and doesnt talk about his feelings, and that he does feel things for me. He works full time, usually 12 noon -10pm (in a restaurant) and spends his 2 days off with me, sometimes meets me for breakfast before he starts work, and sometimes comes and sleeps over at mine after work, with a taxi costing £10 to get here. He's always very busy, and i am unemployed and hes the central thing in my life and i feel like everything revolves around him My mum says when i get a job i will be too busy to focus on him all the time and it will be better? Should i accept this or should i fight for more? Whenever i bring it up and he says he tries and i feel bad His family arent very open with each other, like never talk about feelings, whereas i was brought up to be very open and honest. I just dont know what to do, i analyse things a lot and dont know whether i should just be happy with what i have.
Girlygal Posted September 8, 2009 Posted September 8, 2009 its your first BF, move on your young this isnt your life partner he is just a guy. The first guy. Fresh from uni and young, go have fun, date other boys, maybe a girl, whatever. But if the relationship is a strain on both of you cut the ties and MOVE ON!
Author layercakegal Posted September 8, 2009 Author Posted September 8, 2009 But its been 2 years and i feel like i'll never find anyone else like him hes perfect in so many ways
TaraMaiden Posted September 8, 2009 Posted September 8, 2009 And imperfect in so many others..... Whilst you simply cannot seek every quality in a single individual, being with them should make you feel happy, comfortable and fulfilled. Sharing time with them should 'nourish' you and help you grow with one another. if he's not cutting it for you, then I really think it's not an unreasonable conclusion to think that he's not going to change in any big way, any time soon. he might be your first love, but trust me on this one.... many people on this forum are going through great heartbreak with their 3rd....? 4th....? maybe even higher. Don't pin your hopes on him, relax, enjoy your youth and understand that if in these early stages he's not doing it for you - then he's NOT the one....
Author layercakegal Posted September 8, 2009 Author Posted September 8, 2009 Being with him does make me feel happy and fulfilled, but then i have this side of the relationship too that makes me the opposite Its not my first heartbreak, that was reserved for when i wanted someone who didnt want me back.....but then again maybe thats what this is? My first heartbreak was unrequited love with my friend, which only went away when my current boyfriend popped into my life and made everything better What the hell is going on
Lauriebell82 Posted September 8, 2009 Posted September 8, 2009 But its been 2 years and i feel like i'll never find anyone else like him hes perfect in so many ways He cheated on you and you think he's perfect? I would be trying to find someone who is NOT like him if I were you. That being said, he does sound like he is trying to repair the damage he has done. He spends his free time with you and came to see you at college. It sounds to me like you aren't past his cheating therefore cannot even trust that he is trying to prove to you that he won't do it again. He put you in this position though by being unfaithful. He did give you an answer to your concerns, he said he's trying. If you can't trust him and feel miserable then leave the relationship. It does sounds like he is trying to repair his damage though...
Author layercakegal Posted September 8, 2009 Author Posted September 8, 2009 I know, he has put a lot of effort in since he cheated, before he would only come down to visit me every 6 weeks or so, and then he began coming down religiously everytime he had time off and so i feel bad for always going 'well why dont you do this?' and therefore worry if im being ungrateful for what is good with us. I do have trust issues now, and i am trying so so hard to get past it and trust him again. Im trying to have faith that one day it will be amazing again, if i could just let things go and not analyse and stress about everything. I love him so much, i feel pathetic
Lauriebell82 Posted September 8, 2009 Posted September 8, 2009 I know, he has put a lot of effort in since he cheated, before he would only come down to visit me every 6 weeks or so, and then he began coming down religiously everytime he had time off and so i feel bad for always going 'well why dont you do this?' and therefore worry if im being ungrateful for what is good with us. I do have trust issues now, and i am trying so so hard to get past it and trust him again. Im trying to have faith that one day it will be amazing again, if i could just let things go and not analyse and stress about everything. I love him so much, i feel pathetic You are not pathetic, you are struggling to trust someone who betrayed you..totally understandable. What I was trying to say is that you need to give the guy a break. Why not have a talk with him and tell him everything you told us. That you want to trust him again, that you feel bad for doubting him, and are trying to regain your trust. Unfortunately this is what happens when someone takes back a partner who has cheated. That's why I would never do it.
carhill Posted September 8, 2009 Posted September 8, 2009 My read is he cheated and your emotional styles are essentially incompatible. Next
Author layercakegal Posted September 8, 2009 Author Posted September 8, 2009 Yeah i can see why people wouldnt, i had just never experienced this before and i guess i thought everything could be ok again Ill talk to him and tell him what ive said on here, though i feel his answer will be 'i dont know what more to do' as it always seems to be. I didnt even know emotional styles existed until now lol, but yeah i guess we are not matched in that area What happened to meeting a lovely guy and falling in love? Wow im 21 and already screwed up......this cant be good lol
Lauriebell82 Posted September 8, 2009 Posted September 8, 2009 What happened to meeting a lovely guy and falling in love? Wow im 21 and already screwed up......this cant be good lol No, more like you are 21 and inexperienced with healthy relationships. That doesn't mean you are screwed up. Listen to his response "I don't know what more to do." Think about that. What more DO you want him to do? I don't often defend cheaters but you need to cut this guy some slack here. If you can't trust him get out of the relationship.
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