Long-Term Breakup

[Unistudent]

So first I will give some background and my story.

Dating for 9 years total. She cheated 4 years into the relationship... I fogave her for that but also treated her badly for the first year that we were back together. We were highschool sweethearts.

 

We are currently both in university. She is a graduate student and I am an undergrad student. I have not done very well in school for most of my life. It isn't because I am stupid or anything it is mainly because I just procrastinate everything and consume my time with useless things like videogames. I would like to say that I have been depressed for the past 3 years because of the state of mind that I have been in but I know that depression is a chemical imbalance so I don't really know what has been going on with me.

 

My first year at university I had tons of friends. I went out all of the time I had alot of fun. During second year and the years after that I started losing all of my friends because I never did anything and never called anyone. As of now I just have one friend left in the town that I live... which is really sad I know.

 

For the past three years me and my xgf had been living together... during this time I slowly stopped doing things with her. I really became a hermit and just played games. I tell myself that I did this because I was embarassed about where I was in school and that I didn't want any of her friends to ask me about anything so I just opted to close myself away in the computer room and be with myself. She went out alot of the time by herself with her friends and I just waited up on her to come home. I have done pretty bad in school. I was suspended from classes for one year. I was almost suspended again this year but got out of it. I pull off high 50's and low 60's with not much effort at all so I know that I could be getting 90's if I actually spent my time studying rather then watching TV or playing games.

 

This summer I started to notice that something was up in our relationship. She seemed a little cold to me when I would talk to her or when we would be together. Shortly after this she told me that we needed to break up. I really couldn't believe it. After asking alot of questions about it she told me that she was very unhappy and that she has been for three years and that she had tried to tell me that but I just wouldn't listen. When she broke it off with me it kind of brought me to reality and to the reality of our relationship. I can see now all of the crap that I did. I didn't pick things up alot of the time, I didn't do dishes that much, I only cooked now and then even though I love to cook, and the most horrible thing is that I shut her out.

 

Since then I have cut alot of things out of my life. I no longer play videogames. I have such a strong will to finish school and continue on with my life. The only thing that I am missing is her.

 

I recently told her everything that I was feeling... and how things are different now and how they can be different for both of us. She told me that there is no way that it would be able to continue and that we are done for good.

 

After 9 years this is still so hard for me to believe. A week before we broke up we were camping and hanging out and doing everything else a couple does so I jsut dont understand how this kind of love can just slip away. She told me that she thinks the relationship was dead a year ago and that we just didnt break up then.

 

This hurts so much for me because I know that it is all my fault and that if I could have just had someone tell me "what the hell are you doing" I would have maybe snapped out of it and gotten back on track with my life and relationship.

She says she still loves me... but jsut doesnt want to be my gf anymore.

 

I really do not want to give up. I feel deep down that if she could see the different person that am now that she may learn to love me again the way she used to.

 

Honestly we were bestfriends and a couple. We did so much together and I think that may have been part of the problem.

 

I want her back everyone.

 

Is there any advice anyone can give me?

I know that I need to give her space right now... but I just dont know what else to do.

 

Thanks in advance

[silic0ntoad]

Well, I can say I am sorry for your loss.

 

What I can also say is, good job on self reflection. To be honest, I don't think you should focus on getting her back. 9 Years is a LONG time.

 

It hurts and it sucks, but break off contact with her. As hard as it is, get out there and make new friends. Try to not be at home so much. Move on.

 

There really is no sure fire way to "get her back." I wanted my ex back, of four years. Here I am 3 months later, going on four, and I haven't heard from her at all. You just have to try to move on.

 

-B

[adamt]

I read about this stuff all the time. Boy gets complacent,comfortable and takes things for granted. Woman gets unhappy but keeps things to herself. Things drag on because she doesnt tell him whats up.she loses interenst but can't break up. Boy misses all the warning signs. Eventually the girl breaks up and tells him what she thinks and what the problems were, the boy is left devastated and it gives him a reality check and he desperately wants to fix things and change. Unfortunately it is too late as the girl had emotionally left the relationship a while ago and is already moving on.

 

What happpened to you, has happened to me but not quite as extreme. If she said you should have broken up a year ago there is nothing you can do. She will have moved on. For now you should not contact her, let things settle down and sort yourlife out and see if she misses you.

 

Look to change yourlife so that you be more attractive to girls. take up sports,hobbies,get fit, change your appearance, get a new set of clothes. Find things to focus on in the medium term.

 

Let her see how much you have changed, but dont count on her coming back and do your best to move on. If she does come back you have to be mentaly strong and have your emotions under control.

 

you have dated for a long time from a young age, maybe you have both grown apart. or she has changed and growing up and you are still stuck as if you are 6 years younger

[soheartbroken]

Hey UniStudent.

 

I really identify with all the guilt and regret you are feeling. I'm in the same boat, really beating up on myself for the things I did and didn't do.

 

You have this wonderful opportunity to change though, and it sounds like you are making strides. The best thing you can do is to continue along this path, though I know it will be hard, especially if you cut off contact.

 

Chances are, you would not have "snapped out of it" if not for this breakup. You would have continued in your comfort zone. My GF broke up with me a year ago but soon after gave me another chance, and I still blew it.

[Unistudent]

Thanks for the comments guys.

The rough part for me right now is that I still will be living with her when I go back to school in a few days. I have some appointments to check out some rooms for rent but the town im in has some big holes so I dont know if I will find one right away so that I can distance myself from her.

 

I forgot to mention that I moved some of my stuff back for the school year this past weekend. We did stuff together... we went out for walks and coffee and dinner... she went out and I walked her to her friends place... also picked her up so she wasnt walking alone. She would come into my room (which was the computer room) and cuddle up with me in the morning... its just been so confusing... She would then tell me that its too hard for her to have me there and that I need to move out asap.

 

Im already pretty fit... i mean i have a six pack and i have a good amount of muscle on my body.. i am lean... About 5'11 and 160-170 pounds. I already joined some intramural sports. I have also bought ~400 $ worth of new clothes in the past week... which is big for me. So I guess I am on the right track there right?

 

Yea I was talking to her the other night and I was saying "Why couldnt you have yelled at me about this a year ago and made me see what the hell was going on." and she said she didnt know and that she wish she did. She would try and tlak to me about school n stuff and I would shut her out of it because i just didnt want to think about it... big mistake.

 

Ive been thinking about if we have grown apart or not... I'm not really sure because I dont really know who I am anymore. I mean ive been a shell of what I am and what I could be the past three years... I think I am just comming out of that now. I hope I will be able to see a month or two down the road if we have anything in common and if there is still anything left to rebuild.

 

What does it mean when she tells me that its soo hard to talk to me but some times she just needs to hear my voice?

 

Thanks again for all your comments.. Please keep them comming with more advice and stuff that you guys have learned through your trials in break-ups.

 

I am sorry for all of your losses in love. This is by far the worst feeling I have had in a long time and I understand all of your pain. The past few years have been really rough on me too... so this is just another thing to add to the list. (one of my six month old kittens suffocated on his own blood while in my arms, I had him while I was out of school... it was a b-day present from my X, recently my family cat died and my dog is about to die) And now I have to go back to school. so much stress

 

Take care everyone

[Unistudent]

Oh yea... She has been struggling with money for most of the summer. I have a well paying manual labour job so I bring in a good amount of money during the summer time. I ended up paying all the rent and utilities all summer and have even had to loan her some extra money for rent and odds and ends since then. That basically has ate up all the money from working during the summer ~10 000. I think the total she owes is around 2000 right now... When I was up this weekend I bought her a mirror because she needed it for her room (my dresser had a mirror on it that is now in my 'room') as well.

 

She just found out that the school didnt actually take her student loan money and pay her tuition last year so now she is stuck with quite a bit to pay back there and her salary as a grad student wont cover everything so she is forced to get some more student loan money...

 

How should I go about asking for the money back that she owes? Should i even bother?

I am not rich myself... I havent qualified for a student loan from the gov for a few years now so I have had to get bank loans and am sitting pretty far in the hole.

 

Thanks again

[silic0ntoad]

To be honest, in your situation, this is how I would handle it.

 

1) If you can, maintain seperation in the HH until you can move out. Put a latch on the door that is on the inside so she doesn't have access.

2) Don't buy into her snuggling bullsh*t. it's simply a comfort thing for HER, not you. Banish her memory to just that- a memory.

3) Try to come home as late as you can manage and leave as early as possible. The more time there the harder it will be.

4) Don't ask for your money back. Don't actually bring it up again. Get a new place, pack up, find a new pack of mates, and say good times to the girl you loved. It's the only way.

[NopeNah]

To be honest, in your situation, this is how I would handle it.

 

1) If you can, maintain seperation in the HH until you can move out. Put a latch on the door that is on the inside so she doesn't have access.

2) Don't buy into her snuggling bullsh*t. it's simply a comfort thing for HER, not you. Banish her memory to just that- a memory.

3) Try to come home as late as you can manage and leave as early as possible. The more time there the harder it will be.

4) Don't ask for your money back. Don't actually bring it up again. Get a new place, pack up, find a new pack of mates, and say good times to the girl you loved. It's the only way.

This is also how I'd handle it. It's tougher when you're stuck living together. Try to get out asap. Chin up and good luck!

[hellothar]

I don't agree with the above posters. It sounds like she is confused about what she should do. If you have made the changes that were needed to continue the relationship, there would be no reason for her not to have some want to regain what you had (because it doesn't seem like she has let go). She wouldn't need that comfort if she didn't have some feelings towards you or if she didn't miss you.

 

I agree with you that you shouldn't give up on her or this, sure things may not work out but she is obviously teetering. Seems to me like she is scared that if she does resume the relationship that you may become the person you were during the relationship. I might just be an optimist, but I don't belive things are written in stone yet. Seems like she does still want to be with you, but she is scared to get hurt again. You're going places together, having dinner together, cuddling together... there obviously is still some hope.

 

If it were me, I would not give up... not after 9 years.. what's another month or two? With the signs she is throwing off I would be caught up in the "what might have been?". Because what I read out of what you have wrote is more her being scared of the past rather than her not wanting you. I think she just needs to see that this person you are now, is not going to revert into the videogame addict you once were.

[Unistudent]

I'm so confused as to what I should do.

 

I am back in our place now... she is actually in the next room. I have been looking for places to live and she is also pushing for places for me to move to. I just found out today that she wont be able to get any finiancial assistance from the gov because of some asset she has in her name for a friend. I also found out that the person that is supposed to be moving in my place is not making it clear that they are really moving in on october 1st.

 

Heres some more info I forgot to add to my first post. The weekend before she broke it off with me we sat down and I bought her tickets to a pretty expensive show for her b-day... I just asked her last night if she was still expecting to go with me to the show or if she wanted me to find someone else to take and

she said "If you meet someone you want to go with take them but you know I would love to go"

I said "Well then I am taking you"

then she said "Well its not for awhile so if you change your mind let me know and I wont be offended"

I then said "Well really I got the tickets for us for your bday. I should honor that shouldnt I?"

she then said "No it doesnt matter"

I said "Does to me... I know how much you love this show"

she then said "Thanks cant wait"

 

I am actually trying to act like im not really interested in her. She just asked me a second ago "What are you doing in there...?"

I wish that I could just wipe her memory from my mind... but I can't and that sucks so much.

 

So just to catch interested people up. I am currently looking for a place to move to. I looked at one today and the room was too small for all my stuff (47" LCD+desk and bed and other stuff). I am looking at a bachelor and a one bedroom tomorrow... kinda bummed about the first place being a dud though.

I just need to get out and give her some space to breath. Let me experience a bit on my own.

 

I really like how there are two different views on this break... thank you for both of them. I will be taking measures from both to hopefully get myself healthy and then maybe after that look into getting back with my sweetheart.

 

thanks again

[Unistudent]

Ok now I am really really confused...

 

My ex is having a rough time with money right now... She is most likely going to have to move out of this place now... but she is considering getting someone that she doesnt even know to move in with her.. and its a guy... I told her that I wasnt comfortable with that at all and she said Well I might have to do it...

I kinda think she wants me to stay but doesn't want to ask me. I mean I am a safe bet because I have lived with her for a long time now... but if we arnt together I dont know how that would work.. and now I kind of want to get out there and see what else there is. I just want to add that I am a very trusting person when it comes to relationships and that this one has been the only one ive been in since I was 16 and now I am 25. This girl has been all of my firsts... I do mean all... and I have never strayed even when I could have a milli times.

What should I do if she asks me to stay around?

 

I on the other hand went out looking at places today and didnt like the 1 bdrooms but found a sweet house that will have quite a few people living in it... so it will be easy to make some new friends that way at least. The house has also been newly renovated... so thats my number one choice now. Tonight I am going to see another place... also just renting a room so there will be other people in it...

 

Thanks for the feedback again