emscarborough Posted September 8, 2009 Posted September 8, 2009 My wife and I have been married for thirteen years and have two kids, 8 and 12. Our marriage started when she was 19 and I was 22. Last month she told me she had an affair 10 years ago with a co-worker for just under a month. She also told me that she slept with him three times. I was not an angle either!! My life revolved around the outdoors and not our family at the time but the love was always there! Since those early years I have learned to appreciate her more and our family. Our marriage has gotten better over the years and all of the sudden I find this out. She told me that she did it because he told her the things she needed to here. My problem is that I just can't understand why she entrusted in another man her feelings and not me. I never even knew she was feeling this way. She is the greatest wife and mother in the world and she messed up once in our whole marriage but this is the biggest mess up you could possibly do. We are currently in marriage counseling but it seems to be going no where. Even though the counselor is trying to get me to see all the good things we have, I just can't get it out of my head that she betrayed me and gave herself to someone else. I have lost something and can't get it back. I know no one has the answers I am seeking but can anyone give me words of encouragement? The feelings I have and the mental pictures are in my head! I just want to move on with our lives but if I can't get over this our marriage will fail!!! I'M SCARED!! Can anyone help????
foreal Posted September 8, 2009 Posted September 8, 2009 Even though the counselor is trying to get me to see all the good things we have, I just can't get it out of my head that she betrayed me and gave herself to someone else. Of course you can't get it out of your head- it is waaaaay too soon....Just b/c it happened long ago doesn't make it any less painful. I was pissed when our first MC was trying to get me to see all the good things we have while I was still in the post traumatic period of learning about it. Perhaps a new MC can help? We went to the first one 3 times- each time I left feeling worse than before. We found a new one and after the very first session I knew this one was great b/c I walked away with tangible help....try a new MC, one that specializes in infidelity. Also, great books to read: Intimacy After the Affair and How can I Forgive You?
Devil Inside Posted September 8, 2009 Posted September 8, 2009 Not that I am the best person to be giving advice..but I recently found out about some of my W's As....and I can tell you my emotions are a jumbled mess. Like Foreal said...you have been traumatized...you have had foundational beliefs about your wife and your life pulled out from under you and you don't know which way is up...give it some time.
eeyore1981 Posted September 8, 2009 Posted September 8, 2009 I understand. It's all well and good to believe it will get better, but what do you do in the meantime? Try to find things that will distract you. Read a book, play a video game, work out, go play putt-putt. Anything you can do that requires some focus. Part of what is driving you crazy is you can't stop thinking about it, and thinking about it is agony right now. You need a break from this, even if it is only for a few minutes here and there. The pain you are feeling is overwhelming, you just need to try things that will help you ride it out.
Author emscarborough Posted September 8, 2009 Author Posted September 8, 2009 You know I told my wife the other day that " I want to love her, but I can't because I hate her and I want to hate her, but I can't because I love her". People say you have to get the trust back and the thought of her doing it again, but I don't have that!! All I want is to be able to forgive her and not see him when I put my focus on her. I just don't understand why she would have trusted a complete stranger and not the man she loved and married. I probably will never understand but I wish I could. People always say that this kind of drama will make a marriage stronger but how can it be stronger when you will always have it in the back of your head that she gave something so special to someone else!!!!
eeyore1981 Posted September 9, 2009 Posted September 9, 2009 You know I told my wife the other day that " I want to love her, but I can't because I hate her and I want to hate her, but I can't because I love her". People say you have to get the trust back and the thought of her doing it again, but I don't have that!! All I want is to be able to forgive her and not see him when I put my focus on her. I just don't understand why she would have trusted a complete stranger and not the man she loved and married. I probably will never understand but I wish I could. People always say that this kind of drama will make a marriage stronger but how can it be stronger when you will always have it in the back of your head that she gave something so special to someone else!!!![/QUOTE] BBM IMO, that is all crap. Open communication between a man and a wife is what makes a marriage strong and keeps it strong. A lot of times one of the marriage partners being caught in an affair leads to better communication, at the expense of the BS, but if some people weren't so stubborn and stupid, the communication could be had without an affair at all.
Author emscarborough Posted September 9, 2009 Author Posted September 9, 2009 I wish every day that our open communication would have came first!!
eeyore1981 Posted September 9, 2009 Posted September 9, 2009 I wish every day that our open communication would have came first!! I spent a lot of time over our marriage trying to have open communication, only to be ignored, excuses made, and hubby refusing to budge an inch. It is very difficult for me reading versions of my life from people who are explaining that treatment is what caused them to cheat. I, too, did everything I could think of to work our problems out, including marriage counseling, with no success, and then got cheated on to boot. Sometimes, like right now, I really hate him.
Author emscarborough Posted September 9, 2009 Author Posted September 9, 2009 I felt like my wife could tell me anything back then, especially that she wasn't happy and needed more love. Don't get me wrong I gave her love just not as much as she says she needed. I also said earlier that my priority's back then were in the wrong place but I can't help but think only if she had told me how she was really feeling that I would have changed my whole world for her and our family. You can't go back and change the past but what good is the future if the past is always in it? God this sucks!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Untouchable_Fire Posted September 9, 2009 Posted September 9, 2009 I felt like my wife could tell me anything back then, especially that she wasn't happy and needed more love. Don't get me wrong I gave her love just not as much as she says she needed. I also said earlier that my priority's back then were in the wrong place but I can't help but think only if she had told me how she was really feeling that I would have changed my whole world for her and our family. You can't go back and change the past but what good is the future if the past is always in it? God this sucks!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Why did she tell you 10 years later? Actually... why did she tell you at all?
eeyore1981 Posted September 9, 2009 Posted September 9, 2009 I felt like my wife could tell me anything back then, especially that she wasn't happy and needed more love. Don't get me wrong I gave her love just not as much as she says she needed. I also said earlier that my priority's back then were in the wrong place but I can't help but think only if she had told me how she was really feeling that I would have changed my whole world for her and our family. You can't go back and change the past but what good is the future if the past is always in it? God this sucks!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Did she ever tell you anything? Did she come to you and say, "Hey, look, I'm feeling lonely and neglected. I would like you to spend more time with me and our kids."? If she didn't, then she can hardly cry foul about it now. I'm not trying to stir up more trouble, but why did she tell you about this? I don't condone cheating and I don't condone lying, but after all this time of getting away with it, IMO, it is an act of selfishness to bring this up at this late date. Apparently she needed to relieve guilt she was feeling, and look at the cost it has had on you. You are in MC, and that is great. If I were you, I would address these issues. IMO, there is nothing wrong with trying to work this out and even forgive it, but not at the expense of you shouldering blame that doesn't belong to you. If you were going out 7 days a week, and she was saying nothing about it, that implies she was okay with it. That is on her, not you.
Author emscarborough Posted September 9, 2009 Author Posted September 9, 2009 Why did she tell you 10 years later? Actually... why did she tell you at all? She told me because I always felt she had done something like this and I asked her two or three times through out the years. She said she never told me before because she knew it would hurt me and that she finally confessed because she felt so guilty.
Author emscarborough Posted September 9, 2009 Author Posted September 9, 2009 Did she ever tell you anything? Did she come to you and say, "Hey, look, I'm feeling lonely and neglected. I would like you to spend more time with me and our kids."? Thats the what if. If she had done that I would have changed everything about me. Here I am going along in life thinking everything is great when in reality it wasn't. She did feel guilty because after this happened she went on depression medicine and I asked her what was wrong and her reply was "I don't know I'm just feeling down." God I get so angry knowing that she held in how she was feeling. If only I had a time machine!!!!!!!
Author emscarborough Posted September 9, 2009 Author Posted September 9, 2009 She is soooooo worth forgiving. The greatest wife ever. I just don't know if I as a person can forgive her. I just want this heavy heart to go away!!!!!!!!!!
seibert253 Posted September 9, 2009 Posted September 9, 2009 You're getting it on two fronts here. One, your wife was unfaithful, two, she hid it, (or IMO lied), for 10 years. What was her excuse for hiding this from you, and how did you find out? You have many obsticles to overcome, but they can be. It's early in the game. It's natural to feel anger. Actually it's good. You need to grieve the betrayl. YOU ARE NOT GOING TO FEEL BETTER OVERNITE, AND YOU ARE NOT GOING TO HEAL FROM THIS ANYTIME SOON. But, you will heal, you will get stronger each day, and your marriage will survive, (if you want it to). You've said it yourself, your wife has been a great wife and mother and your marriage was strong before this revelation. How has your wife reacted to all of this? Is she supportive? Does she understand telling you now, is even worse because she hid this (lied) for 10 years? MC is great, but you also need IC to overcome the shock of all this. Remember you will not get over this overnite. It may take years to overcome this. But, you can and will overcome this.
Author emscarborough Posted September 9, 2009 Author Posted September 9, 2009 How has your wife reacted to all of this? Is she supportive? Does she understand telling you now, is even worse because she hid this (lied) for 10 years? She has tried everything. She has given me unbelievable support but no matter what she does it really doesn't help. I think that this makes me so angry because it wasn't like her in the first place.
eeyore1981 Posted September 9, 2009 Posted September 9, 2009 She is soooooo worth forgiving. The greatest wife ever. I just don't know if I as a person can forgive her. I just want this heavy heart to go away!!!!!!!!!! Maybe you can, and maybe you can't, but you have to understand this is new for you. Finding out your wife had an affair is devastating, unless you don't care about her. Everyone keeps telling you to give it time, because it's true, you need to give it some time and let the pain subside a little bit. From what you have said, your wife screwed up big time. However, she also realized her mistake at some point, and seems to have spent all the time since then trying to make amends, regardless of you knowing that's what was going on. When you start to feel a little better, and eventually you will, you may be able to recognize that. You are able to say right now she is the greatest wife ever, and that is with your knowledge of her affair, so maybe you are closer to getting to this point than you realize.
eeyore1981 Posted September 9, 2009 Posted September 9, 2009 She has tried everything. She has given me unbelievable support but no matter what she does it really doesn't help. I think that this makes me so angry because it wasn't like her in the first place. Being betrayed sux, but it is done and can't be undone. There are no time machines to be had. I suggest you read some other threads in here by BS' whose spouses have not been so forthcoming, have not been trying very hard, and see how they feel. I'm not defending your wife, I'm trying to help you, because you seem to be looking for some way to forgive her. You are taking for granted her support and as you say, "She has tried everything." You think this is hard as it stands, try to imagine how much harder it would be if she wasn't trying, and wasn't being honest, it might change how you are feeling now. I'm telling you this from my personal experience, and this is about a man who wasn't 'the greatest husband ever' even disregarding his affair.
Dexter Morgan Posted September 9, 2009 Posted September 9, 2009 My wife and I have been married for thirteen years and have two kids, 8 and 12. Our marriage started when she was 19 and I was 22. Last month she told me she had an affair 10 years ago with a co-worker for just under a month. its good that she had the tits to tell you this, but why all of a sudden now, 10 years later? why did she feel the need to tell you? She told me that she did it because he told her the things she needed to here. of course he did...thats how guys get married women to have sex with them. he played her. problem is, she was married and shouldn't have been in a position to be played. so what if he told her what she wanted to hear? does she not have any self control? you should have told her, "lots of men that want in your pants will tell you what you think you want to hear" My problem is that I just can't understand why she entrusted in another man her feelings and not me. I never even knew she was feeling this way. She is the greatest wife and mother in the world and she messed up once in our whole marriage if she was a great wife, she wouldn't have slept with another man. if you look at it from the angle that she "messed up just once", then you open to door to let her do it again. and chances are, this guy wasn't the only one, either that or it wasn't the only time 10 years ago. but this is the biggest mess up you could possibly do. We are currently in marriage counseling but it seems to be going no where. Even though the counselor is trying to get me to see all the good things we have, I just can't get it out of my head that she betrayed me and gave herself to someone else. and thats the problem with these cheaters. they put a scar on their betrayed partner for life. not saying that a wound doesn't heal, but a reminder will remain...hence..a scar. what a gift to give a loved one eh? been there and done that my man. the scar will stay if you do. If I would have stayed with my wife, there'd be a huge scar. but after I divorced her, it was the equivalent of plastic surgery to remove the scar. but I know you probably aren't thinking about divorce...just saying, only way to get rid of the pain completely is to get rid of the source of the pain. I have lost something and can't get it back. I know no one has the answers I am seeking but can anyone give me words of encouragement? I can, but its probably what you don't want to hear. But here it goes. Life is FANTASTIC after getting rid of a cheating spouse. Staying with my xwife would have been misery. But now that she is no longer my problem, and is insignificant to me, and I am having a blast dating, its the best!!! Why spend what little time we have on this earth with a cheater and be reminded of it every time we look at their face? again, I know thats not probably something you are wanting to think about, but its my 2 cents. Other than that, if you stay with her, your wife has major amends and ass kissing to do to you....10 years ago or not. The feelings I have and the mental pictures are in my head! I just want to move on with our lives but if I can't get over this our marriage will fail!!! I'M SCARED!! Can anyone help???? sorry, those images will always be there. I still think once in a while about what my x did to me....but difference now is, I can laugh at her stupidity, whereas if I were still with her, it would be painful. so what was your wife's reaction when telling you all this? Did she tell it as if you are to blame? Did she act as if its no big deal? does she act as if you just need to get over it?
Dexter Morgan Posted September 9, 2009 Posted September 9, 2009 You know I told my wife the other day that " I want to love her, but I can't because I hate her and I want to hate her, but I can't because I love her". and her reaction to you saying you want to hate her? I just don't understand why she would have trusted a complete stranger and not the man she loved and married. I probably will never understand but I wish I could. ok, here comes the cold hard truth of it. It wasn't about trusting him. it was about she was attracted to him, he swooned her, and she wanted to f##k him...and she did. If it were just about talking to him and confiding in him, would be different. But the reason she confided in him is she wanted to have sex with him. People always say that this kind of drama will make a marriage stronger I personally think that is bs and said from people that are in denial and want to believe that a cheater is the one for them. Not saying a marriage can't somewhat recover and get back to some normalcy. But stronger? pulease. but how can it be stronger when you will always have it in the back of your head that she gave something so special to someone else!!!! have you considered divorce?
Dexter Morgan Posted September 9, 2009 Posted September 9, 2009 She is soooooo worth forgiving. The greatest wife ever. I'm sorry, but if she were the greatest wife ever, she wouldn't have spread her legs for another man. are you thinking this because you are in desperation? I just don't know if I as a person can forgive her. I just want this heavy heart to go away!!!!!!!!!! also, if she was the greatest wife ever you wouldn't even come close to thinking that you want to hate her as you have stated. you don't want to hate someone that is "soooo worth forgiving" and the "greatest". are you sure you just are trying to justify not cutting the cord?
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