Can it really be over?

[strugglingtocope]

I had been with my boyfriend for two years when he suddenly out of the blue broke up with me last thursday.

When we met each other I was still getting over an ex but the connection between us was so strong that we wanted to see where in time we could end up. We took it slow but two weeks after we met he moved away to university about an hour away but I would be staying in our city for medical school. We would just see how things went. The bond between us has been so so strong and although we had a few days 'on a break' this time last yr when he went back to uni, everything just seemed to perfect. We really complement each other and I've never been so happy. He makes me feel like I can do anything and living in different cities it means we can have our own lives as well and see each other maybe 3 times a month. We rarely fight and only want the best for each other.

This summer after he finished his second yr he came back home and managed to get a job in the restaurant that I work in. It meant that our relationship has got very intense over the past couple of months. We have either been working together or spending time together on our days off. His family went away as well so we were house sitting together basically living like we would if we lived together. Then we went on a perfect holiday to the Caribbean for two weeks. Returning his family went away again and we were left house sitting for two weeks. He has seemed just the same as normal. He would be excited about leaving work and asking what we were gonna do later giving no indication that he wasnt happy or needed space. I also have my own house so on the nights we didnt work the same shifts I would stay there and I myself am someone that needs a fair amount of personal space.

Then I went to see my sister for 4 days and every time I spoke to him he sounded upset and said he missed me. I got back and things were normal. His birthday is today so we were planning things to do. On thursday he rang me in the morning to check that we were still going to a restaurant that I had planned to book... he sounded excited. A few hours later he rang excited because the playstation that I was getting him for his birthday had arrived and I told him that I would have to take it away and wrap it but he suddenly went really cold and said no I dont want you to do that. Weird I thought but you know boys and their toys so I said I'd be over in like an hour after doing some stuff at my house. About ten minutes after getting off the phone he rang and sounded really upset and said I just dont want you to come over. Obviously I ignored him and went and he cried the whole time and kept trying to grab hold of me and hold me close or hold my hand. I was an absolute mess.

His reasons were that he had realised that since returning from holiday 2 weeks before he had been thinking about how he didnt want to move back home after uni and knew that I would have to be there for at least 3 yrs after he had finished. He said it was because he didnt want to wait that long and that its not because of me or the relationship but the situation. He also said that it had just got so intense and he felt like he was just too young (22) for the pressure and wanted to focus on his final yr at uni.

Everyone I have spoken too seems as shocked as I was and said we seemed so perfect and on track and that there was no indication on anything being wrong. Ive text him a couple of times just to ask if we can meet before he went back to uni- he said we could be he was struggling too much to do it any time soon and then today when i have really fallen apart because its his birthday so I asked him if we could chat on the phone.... he said it would make him too upset.

I just cant believe that this could be it after two such amazing years together all the way up to thursday. Even on the day he seemed fine. My friends think he sounds confused and think he might change his mind once he goes back to uni on saturday. Im praying thats the case but I was just wondering what other people think? Its just so hard because his main reason is distance which I cant change because Im not going to leave medical school to move to be with him. He has even talked about moving to the next city which is only half and hour away.

 

Advice desperately needed. Sorry its so long

[Calendula]

The first thing I thought was "perhaps he has a medical condition which is associated with mood swings and he didn't take his meds." I also thought, "could he be hiding something by not wanting her to come over?" Neither of these seem to make any sense, however, based on the minimal information you present.

 

Can you describe his recent behavior any better? The kind of emotional response you've portrayed seems a bit extreme for something that just comes out of the blue.

 

If you think back carefully, are there any small indications that might have indicated that something like this could be in the works? Perhaps small hints that he had been dropping which you might have been missing or overlooking because you thought everything was perfect?

 

The other possible explaination (and probably the most likely) would be that reality set in, along with his birthday, and he is confused as to what he really wants out of life and his relationship with you. Stress can do funny things to people's emotions.

[strugglingtocope]

The first thing I thought was "perhaps he has a medical condition which is associated with mood swings and he didn't take his meds." I also thought, "could he be hiding something by not wanting her to come over?" Neither of these seem to make any sense, however, based on the minimal information you present.

 

Can you describe his recent behavior any better? The kind of emotional response you've portrayed seems a bit extreme for something that just comes out of the blue.

 

If you think back carefully, are there any small indications that might have indicated that something like this could be in the works? Perhaps small hints that he had been dropping which you might have been missing or overlooking because you thought everything was perfect?

 

The other possible explaination (and probably the most likely) would be that reality set in, along with his birthday, and he is confused as to what he really wants out of life and his relationship with you. Stress can do funny things to people's emotions.

 

 

No he definately doesnt have a medical condition. He doesnt have mood swings I just think the mention of his birthday when he had been thinking that he didnt want to be with me anymore maybe made him feel guilty about me spending so much money on him. If he broke it off before then I wouldnt of spent any money yet.

 

He also wasnt trying to hide anything either. He was upset and I think he just decided that he would have to do it before we went out for a meal with my parents that night. He doesnt like me to see him upset because he knows how much it upsets me and he probably didnt want to see how upset I would get. I guess it was just his way of telling me he wasnt happy without actually saying it.

 

I have gone over and over things in my head but I just cant think of anything. Like I said we have just got back from the most amazing holiday and he said he wished we could just stay there together and not have to go back to normal life. He said that it was after that that he has been thinking about things. But even when we have been back he has just been the same as normal. When I went away to see my sister he called every night after he had been at work and said how much he missed me and how he was going to struggle going back to uni.

 

The last night we worked together was the tuesday and he kept asking over and over what we were going to do after work in a really excited way and whether we could get a film in and some ice-cream and stuff. I left a couple of hours earlier and he gave me his keys so I could go check on his dog and keep him company and then I would drive back to pick him up after.

 

Everything was fine when I went back to get him from work. Drove back to his, snuggled on the sofa under a duvet, we watched tv, had a laugh and a joke and even danced around his kitchen together....nothing seemed wrong at all. We went to bed after a while and we always cuddle before we sleep. Woke up the next day... more cuddles and general just playfulness turning into sex and then we spent the day going and having lunch in a cafe and just spending time together. I took him to work again and he was fine kissed me goodbye and said he loved me.

 

I went to see my parents for the night and as per usual he called me when he was finished to say he was home and that he loved me and would see e tomorrow- the day he finished wth me.

[Calendula]

I'm guessing that this is the longest relationship so far for both of you, and while everything may seem ideal and perfect, it may appear that way only because you have nothing to compare it to.

 

The only thing I can think of is that something else must have happened in his life to cause such an abrupt change or response; something he hasn't told you about. Maybe he got a phone call from a family member or old friend that led up to his reaction. That, or he is just really good at hiding his feelings and what he is thinking, and he has been considering this course of action for some time.

 

If you can get him to talk to you, you might ask him why his decision was so abrupt. You could let him know that you accept his reasons (if you actually do), but that out of respect for you and your two year relationship he should at least give you an explaination as to why his decision was so quick and seemingly final. Have you talked to him since he broke with you?

 

Let him know how you feel (about him, his quick break-up, your future plans with or without him, etc.) - you have nothing to loose if it actually is over for good, and you can at least set your mind at ease and perhaps get some closure. Take some time to really think about it before you talk to him, though - make sure you have your feelings straight. If it really is over, I doubt it has anything to do with something you did/said/etc. Chances are, he is the one with the emotional turmoil or conflict and he has to sort himself out before he can continue in a long term relationship.

[Katherineos123]

Im sorry youre going through this, this is a very strange story...

 

Is there a chance that there may be someone else? I feel like something must have happened the night you were at your parents house for him to react in such a way... It just doesnt make any sense.

[strugglingtocope]

He rang me this morning and we spoke/cried for about an hour. Shamefully it involved alot of me begging him to give it another try.

 

He said that I need to understand that it is his final decision because even if he does come back which he said he might but doubtful he doesnt want me to hang around waiting for him to change his mind in case he doesnt.

 

He said that he feels its the right decision because he would rather go through all this pain now and go back to uni and have the pain of trying to get over me than going back to uni and being distracted all the time by wanting to be with me and giving the relationship time that he doesnt feel he will have available in his final year.

 

I feel maybe the thing that pushed him to finish with me was that he said that he spoke to his dad on the tuesday (his dad lives in aussie) and he said his dad was really upset and said that he thought it was the wrong thing to do. But then on the thursday morning he sent him an email saying that he had thought about it and maybe it was the right decision and maybe he was too young to get tied down and that I wouldnt understand but that if he made his decision he needed to stick to it. I think having someone elses support that it could be the right idea made him think that he wasnt wrong. If that makes sense. Sometimes you just need someone else to tell u that u could be right.

 

He told me that he still loves me and whilst him coming back isnt completely out of the question at the moment he really does believe that it is the right thing for both of us at the moment. He said he definately doesnt want to be with anyone at the moment... no me or anyone else. He desperately wants to make something of himself.... his passion about what he wants to do was a quality that made me really attracted to him.

 

He said spending this summer with me made him feel like I was more like his wife than his girlfriend and he wasnt ready to be that settled yet. He says he loves me so much and hopes that in the future we can maybe spend time together when he comes back in the holidays and that we could still talk to each other sometimes but that I have to not get my hopes up if that does happen. He just knows that we have been everything to each other for two years and that we know each other better than anyone else.

 

Id also like to point out that this isnt the longest relationship either of us has been in... both of us have been with other people for 3 yrs before we met and I have been in relationships since I was like 14 this was by far the happiest Ive been. I feel like we actually have a real once of a lifetime connection.

[EricaH329]

Based on his actions and the way he was acting towards you before he broke up with you, it sounds to me like this wasn't planned out very well. Like a rash decision he made.

 

In my experience, that's usually the case when it comes to guys breaking up with girls.

 

Give it some time. NC definitely. Let him miss you and realize what a mistake he made.

[Amy78]

hey there,

 

i would say it sounds like your bf is just not ready for a serious relationship, and i would suggest that you just back off - until and if he decides he's ready.

 

a similar thing happened to me but i am much older. i am 31, my bf of 3 years was 38. we had an amazing relationship, clicked on all levels. supportive, loving, healthy, resolved all conflicts in a respectful way, amazing sex, our famlies loved each other, great intellectual connection, got along well with friends, same values. similar but different enough that we could really learn from each other. i thought he was my soulmate.

 

in march he told me he wanted to get engaged by the end of the summer. i was so excited! then, in august out of the blue (on my birthday), he broke up with me saying that he wasn't ready to get engaged (or married) and that he was never really sure even back in march. then he said that he loves me but isn't sure he's in love with me (he says he doens't have butterflies anymore for me). he said that i have everything he has been looking for in a soulmate and wasn't able to find before, but that he's just not 100% certain that i'm the right person. and because after 3 years, he can't get to 100% then i must not be the right person. i was SHOCKED!!! i just can't believe it. i'm still in shock (it's been a month). i have tried to explain to him that NO one can have 100% certainty, but he says that's what he wants (his parents were each married 3 times and divorced 2 times!! so he went though 4 divorces and 6 steparents).

 

everyone says not to believe that he isn't really in love with me. that he doesn't understand that in a long term relationship butteflies go away (i am his first serious relaitonship - the other girls were only for a few months). but part of me believes it because he said it! anyway regardless of whether he is or not in love with me, he dumped me.

 

im still trying to get over it, and understand what happeend. i guess that he never felt the same way about me that i felt about him. it's hard to believe though beacuse his actions and words for 3 years said something different.

 

his mom is writing me emails saying she really grew to love me over the last 3 years and is so sad about what happeend. all his family and friends are writing the same thing. but at the end of the day, it's his life and his choice. it's just so shocking and hurtful what he said and the way he broke up. i wish he had just come to me calmly and said that he didn't think he wanted to get engaged anymore and then we could have broken up mutually

[Calendula]

I feel maybe the thing that pushed him to finish with me was that he said that he spoke to his dad on the tuesday (his dad lives in aussie) and he said his dad was really upset and said that he thought it was the wrong thing to do. But then on the thursday morning he sent him an email saying that he had thought about it and maybe it was the right decision and maybe he was too young to get tied down and that I wouldnt understand but that if he made his decision he needed to stick to it. I think having someone elses support that it could be the right idea made him think that he wasnt wrong. If that makes sense. Sometimes you just need someone else to tell u that u could be right.

 

He told me that he still loves me and whilst him coming back isnt completely out of the question at the moment he really does believe that it is the right thing for both of us at the moment. He said he definately doesnt want to be with anyone at the moment... no me or anyone else. He desperately wants to make something of himself.... his passion about what he wants to do was a quality that made me really attracted to him.

 

He said spending this summer with me made him feel like I was more like his wife than his girlfriend and he wasnt ready to be that settled yet. He says he loves me so much and hopes that in the future we can maybe spend time together when he comes back in the holidays and that we could still talk to each other sometimes but that I have to not get my hopes up if that does happen. He just knows that we have been everything to each other for two years and that we know each other better than anyone else.

 

Id also like to point out that this isnt the longest relationship either of us has been in... both of us have been with other people for 3 yrs before we met and I have been in relationships since I was like 14 this was by far the happiest Ive been. I feel like we actually have a real once of a lifetime connection.

 

At least you now seem to have some reasons for why your bf

(now ex?) is acting the way he is. The conversation and e-mail with his father would be pretty influential, and I could see how a summer spent so closely together could have scared him some into pulling away from you (sad as it sounds).

 

Even if he did agree to continue your relationship, it won't be the same after this, it won't be as perfect as it was. No matter how much you might like, you can't go back to the way things were before. Ever.

 

If he is as driven and goal oriented as you say, I can't see him changing his mind, so it seems that it may actually be over. I also think it might be quite difficult for you to turn your close relationship with this man into a friendship (seeing each other on holidays, etc) so you might want to be careful with what is left of your heart. You could tell him that if he has decided it is over then it really needs to be completely over (end all contact) so that you can move on with your life and find someone else to be with. Your choice, but don't let his decisions (deciding to end it with you) determine how you live your life. It doesn't sound like you would, since you've already stated that you wouldn't follow him to his univ because you want to finish your program at your school, but I thought I would say it anyway.

[Calendula]

He just knows that we have been everything to each other for two years and that we know each other better than anyone else.

 

Id also like to point out that this isnt the longest relationship either of us has been in... both of us have been with other people for 3 yrs before we met and I have been in relationships since I was like 14 this was by far the happiest Ive been. I feel like we actually have a real once of a lifetime connection.

 

hey there,

 

a similar thing happened to me but i am much older. i am 31, my bf of 3 years was 38. we had an amazing relationship, clicked on all levels. supportive, loving, healthy, resolved all conflicts in a respectful way, amazing sex, our famlies loved each other, great intellectual connection, got along well with friends, same values. similar but different enough that we could really learn from each other. i thought he was my soulmate.

 

then he said that he loves me but isn't sure he's in love with me (he says he doens't have butterflies anymore for me). he said that i have everything he has been looking for in a soulmate and wasn't able to find before, but that he's just not 100% certain that i'm the right person. and because after 3 years, he can't get to 100% then i must not be the right person.... but he says that's what he wants (his parents were each married 3 times and divorced 2 times!! so he went though 4 divorces and 6 steparents).

 

What is it about relationships lasting for two to three years (or 4 yrs) and then ending? This has happened to me too - three years of a perfect relationship followed by one year of separation (I moved away to graduate school) and then an end (I ended it though - I wanted something different from my life that he could no longer give me - I changed).

 

A friend of mine has a theory that it has to do with human biological instincts - three to four years is long enough to get the offspring of a relationship into an age where they could survive with less dependence on the parents. And then off to procreate somewhere else. I wonder ...

[seoa]

...I could see how a summer spent so closely together could have scared him some into pulling away from you (sad as it sounds).

 

Even if he did agree to continue your relationship, it won't be the same after this, it won't be as perfect as it was.

 

Agree. Too much, too soon. I can see how it scared him. And now it's out there...

 

...it sounds to me like this wasn't planned out very well. Like a rash decision he made.

 

Give it some time. NC definitely. Let him miss you and realize what a mistake he made.

 

Agree - this is probably your only option at this point...

 

 

@Amy - you probably ought to start your own thread - and read all the other threads on 'commitment phobia'... sounds like classic CP to me...

if it does to you too, pick up the Steven Carter book(s)... and rant along with the rest of us...

[strugglingtocope]

Just a bit of a confusing update.... we were meant to meet up on Friday before he went back to uni on the saturday so I waited for him to contact me about a time and a place...... still nothing late on thursday night so I text him asking if he had thought about a place to meet the following day.

 

Didnt hear anything back until really early on friday morning to say that he had had a massive panic attack on the thursday and didnt think it would be a good idea to meet up yet as he was really fragile and had decided not to go back to uni until tuesday when he has to enrol and will text me to meet up before then and not to contact him at all which is fine by me.

 

It just confuses me that he seems to be having such a hard time of it. Why leave me if its causing this much stress.

 

Feeling even more confused than before. Just want to shake some sense into him

[mickleb]

It's definitely a commitment phobia thing in both cases.

 

Amy - seoa is right: your guy is the CLASSIC commitment phobe.

 

Struggling - your guy cannot commit, maybe because he is too young but, perhaps, because he will also develop into a long-term commitment phobe. Yours was a long-distance relationship, which was a way for him to avoid thinking about the reality of a commited relationship. He said the thing about you being like his wife, too.

 

Trouble is my poor things, this does not help ONE BIT with how absolutely devasting their behaviour is.

 

I really feel for you both. My bf (of only 14 months - so not so bad) just did the same thing to me (but said it was because he needed to get his finances together - just some excuse for the same thing).We were so solid (apart from one small row about a month before) then BOOM! A bombshell.

 

The reason for all the confusing signals (them being vut up whilst they do this) is because, rationally, they KNOW what they're doing is nuts. They know they've found the best they're likely to find but they're so terrified of something (missing out, sometimes the thought of us doing the same to them, etc.) that they run, screaming.

 

It's the most shocking thing I've experienced. It takes a lot to get your head and heart around. It's been 6 weeks for me and I struggle, daily.

 

Read the stuff around about it, it will help to rationalise it and post here. There are LOADS of us in the same boat. It is very scary.

 

Love and massive hugs to you both. You deserve better treatment. You will get that one day. xxxxx